onthebrinkofitall Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Hello all. I'm new here and I'm desperate for help, advice, anything you've got. I'm 25 years old and my husband [29] and I have been married for 3 months. We've known each other for 7 years and it has been an on again/off again relationship the entire time we've known each other. I moved out of state for a few years and had 3 children with another man. The father of my children and I split, I moved back to my home state, and got back together with my now husband. At the end of May, right after we were married, my husband was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I actually encouraged him to go seek help because I knew he wasn't going to get better on his own. He began taking medication a couple months ago and sees his therapist on a regular basis. A few days ago, he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. He didn't actually say he wanted a divorce but that he wanted to split apart. He then left for work. I spent all day crying and trying to figure out what I could do to make our marriage work. He spoke with his therapist the next day and she has suggested this: we each get our own places. I am not to know where he lives and he is to block my number so I cannot call him. She doesn't want him to file for a divorce or legal separation because she feels that he is not mentally capable of making such decisions. I've tried to be very supportive of him, learning about bipolar disorder as much as I can, and watching for his "triggers." Apparently, the reason she suggested this is because my husband feels that I influence him too much and when things go badly in his life, he blames me for his problems. She wants him to take ownership of his life, work on getting on the right dosage and combo of meds, and figure out what he wants. While I love my husband more than anyone can imagine, this wasn't what I had in mind when I said my vows. My children are very young and they will no doubt be affected by this. I don't know what to tell him. I'm not even sure what to do myself. I'm very hurt and confused. My husband keeps telling me this isn't about our marriage and that I've done nothing wrong. He says he's sick and needs to get better on his own. I thought marriage was supposed to be through sickness and health.. is that just me? Any thoughts, comments, advice.. anything would be appreciated. I'm so confused and I feel helpless in this situation. I want to save my marriage but I don't know if I'm prepared to be apart from my husband for 6 months to 3 years [what the therapist said] with no contact at all. Please help.
ralph1319 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 well i do agree with your husband getting help to better himself and from what you wrote it seems to me it isnt your fault none of whats going on is.But right now this is what he wants and although hard and painful you might just have to support him. although being apart with no contact is kinda weird to me i think the therapist is wrong for even putting such things in his head up to 3 years is she or he nuts..how can you put a timeline on such a thing try to convience him to get a 2nd opinion.it just seems very strange to have someone have no contact unless something else is going on.i hope you the best...
Author onthebrinkofitall Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I appreciate your feedback. I have spoken with a friend about this matter and she agreed that the therapist must be a wack job to suggest something like this. I'm very supportive of my husband getting better. I always have been. But this "solution" just seems like the first step to a divorce. I suggested getting a second opinion but he just brushes it off, saying that I'm just mad because the therapist suggested something that isn't good for ME. I don't know how to get him to listen to me..
tojaz Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm curious, was this a couples counselling session where you heard the therapist say this or was that just him relaying the story. A good therapist would not suggest anything so drastic, but if it was IC for him, they would probably be supportive if thats what he said he really wants to do. He maybe hiding behind the therapist to do something he dosen't have the courage to admit to wanting. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 People suffering with bi-polar are notouris for not taking their meds. As soon as they start to feel better, they stop the Lithium and the whole cycle starts over. I cannot believe any therapist would suggest this and in any case what does his PSYCHIATRIST say? After all, this is a medical condition, the therapist is not really qualified to make such calls. IMO
Author onthebrinkofitall Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 It was not couples counseling. He came home and told me this was what she suggested. I actually thought he was lying because it was so absurd to me, so I called the therapist myself, wanting to come in for marriage counseling. She told me she didn't feel it was appropriate to have marital counseling right now and offered for me to see her associate. I have mixed feelings about this as well. You saying something about him hiding behind the therapist sounds very possible. I never thought about that but it does kinda sound like something he would do, well.. something I think he would do now. I'm curious, was this a couples counselling session where you heard the therapist say this or was that just him relaying the story. A good therapist would not suggest anything so drastic, but if it was IC for him, they would probably be supportive if thats what he said he really wants to do. He maybe hiding behind the therapist to do something he dosen't have the courage to admit to wanting. TOJAZ
Author onthebrinkofitall Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 He's not taking Lithium right now.. he's on Tripetol [sp?]. He's just starting meds, still trying to find the right kind and dosage. He definitely takes them though.. I see him do that with my own eyes. He spoke with his psychiatrist and, allegedly, all the psych. told him was that he definitely needed a higher dose of meds. His psychiatrist seems very uninvolved, as he has only met with him twice. He sees the therapist on a more regular basis. And actually, I checked out the therapists credentials after what she said and found out she is a social worker, which makes me feel even more shaky about the situation. I've tried looking this type of separation up on the internet with Google and my search turned up nothing like this situation, even with separations in bipolar marriages. Does it sound like he's lying to me? Am I just being a fool about things? I don't want to file for a divorce but separation just isn't an option for me. Still very confused. People suffering with bi-polar are notouris for not taking their meds. As soon as they start to feel better, they stop the Lithium and the whole cycle starts over. I cannot believe any therapist would suggest this and in any case what does his PSYCHIATRIST say? After all, this is a medical condition, the therapist is not really qualified to make such calls. IMO
LisaUk Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 A therapist and certainly a social worker is not really qualified to suggest a course of action like she has, ie: move out learn to take care of himself. I think you need to get in touch with whoever deals with this kind of thing in the US. In the UK it would be a charity like MIND or his Psychiatrist. I'm sorry I don't know who you could contact in the US for advice other than his Psychairist or is it Adult Services? Basically anyone who is medically knowledgable about mental health. Get some profssional advice on this one, the thearpists "advice" smells fishy to me. (I have a batch degree in Psych by the way, this suggestion he moves out sounds odd to me).
ryepatch Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 hey, i totally understand your desire and commitment to be with him through sickness and health, and it's really unfortunate a "professional" has backed him up on what he thinks he wants. i'm in a similar situation, although worse because A) my wife and I aren't in contact and B) she hasn't been diagnosed bipolar, although her father was bipolar and all the symptoms add up. she had several sudden-onset depressive episodes over the last year with no explanation, and then left suddenly and has been acting manic all summer. our therapist (who she won't see anymore) thinks she may be bipolar and will crash at some point, so he thinks i should try to stay in contact with her even if she won't. I'm sticking to our vows, even if she won't. It's hard, because most people would suggest No Contact in my situation, but I want to try to monitor how she's doing as much as I can, even though she insists she doesn't need help. I think you should try to stay in some contact with him, let him know you're there if he needs you, but don't let him walk all over you. Call it a separation, but if my experience is any guide, even if he agrees to separation terms now, he'll change them when his mood changes, and he might not tell you. For example, my wife said she has no interest in being with other people and doesn't want a divorce, but i have no idea if that's still true. We agreed to notify each other if we were going to be out of town or before we did things like change our car insurance policy, but she hasn't lived up to that. When it's a matter of mood, you just can't expect people to live up to commitments they've made. It's hellish. But it doesn't make me love her any less, or want to take care of her any less, or want to be with her whenever she comes down from whatever cloud she's on. . . I'd say try your best to get him to see a therapist TOGETHER, tell him you don't think you should make a major marital decision on the advice of somebody who won't even talk to you. Those decisions should be made between couples or in couples counseling, not in individual counseling.
Author onthebrinkofitall Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Thanks to everyone for the advice, suggestions, etc. I keep trying to get him to either seek a second opinion or for us to go to marital counseling but he just tells me the problem is with him, not our marriage. When I tell him that I want to go through this with him and help him, he says he doesn't want me around to blame things on if they go badly. I guess we just have different ideas on what marriage are. I'm trying to be strong but it feels like he beats down any other suggestions I have. He thinks that because this advice came from a "professional", it must be right.. he actually likes the idea.. for now. Ryepatch, how long has it been since you've had contact with your wife? Is this something you guys go through regularly? That's something I'm scared of. If I allow this separation and wait for him, he'll continue to do this throughout our marriage and that doesn't seem like a very fulfilling life to me. Like your wife, I know my husband will change his mind about the NC as well.. but this therapist has basically convinced him that all his thoughts are "invalid" because he's bipolar. He feels like his emotions aren't real and doesn't know who he really is. He's been telling me that he doesn't even know if he made the right decision marrying me. It hurts to hear these things but when I tell him his feelings are still real or that his thoughts are valid.. he gets angry with me for continuing to allow him to "live a lie." I guess all I can do is go through with the separation and see what happens from there.. I refuse to file for divorce. It just hurts. Thanks to all, again.
ryepatch Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 previous to may 31, my wife and i had never spoken less than twice a day, or spent more than a couple days apart, in ten years. it's been six weeks since i've seen her or even spoken on the phone. since then i've gotten two brief emails and two voicemails, all curt and to the point about how she has stuff she wants to mail me. in june, we started off exchanging emails once a day, she said that was a good amount of contact. then seeing each other twice a week for a couple hours. at the end of june we hung out for eight hours one day, not talking the whole time (we went to a booksigning event). then i dropped her off and made the mistake of trying to finish the conversation we were having by walking her to her door. she got enraged and told me in an email i'll talk to in eleven days. she kept changing the date on me. now, she's back in town and presumably back at work, and there's been no contact. see if there's a bipolar support group in your area (www.dbsalliance.org or www.nami.org). people can be really helpful at these meetings. there are some groups specifically for family and friends (mostly spouses and parents) of the mentally ill. try to strike some compromise with him, or tell him you just won't agree to it unless you can talk to his therapist. get your own therapist, get their "professional" opinion. don't let him go completely NC on you. maybe there's a way to get a common friend who'll keep you both informed about each other (i wish this was true in my case). until my wife left, i still had some influence. now, i have none, and she won't even admit she needs to see a therapist individually. but when she left, she said she didn't want to take it out on me and blame me and emotionally abuse me anymore. now she's doing exactly that, but from a distance. i can't take much more of this. maybe a few weeks. Thanks to everyone for the advice, suggestions, etc. I keep trying to get him to either seek a second opinion or for us to go to marital counseling but he just tells me the problem is with him, not our marriage. When I tell him that I want to go through this with him and help him, he says he doesn't want me around to blame things on if they go badly. I guess we just have different ideas on what marriage are. I'm trying to be strong but it feels like he beats down any other suggestions I have. He thinks that because this advice came from a "professional", it must be right.. he actually likes the idea.. for now. Ryepatch, how long has it been since you've had contact with your wife? Is this something you guys go through regularly? That's something I'm scared of. If I allow this separation and wait for him, he'll continue to do this throughout our marriage and that doesn't seem like a very fulfilling life to me. Like your wife, I know my husband will change his mind about the NC as well.. but this therapist has basically convinced him that all his thoughts are "invalid" because he's bipolar. He feels like his emotions aren't real and doesn't know who he really is. He's been telling me that he doesn't even know if he made the right decision marrying me. It hurts to hear these things but when I tell him his feelings are still real or that his thoughts are valid.. he gets angry with me for continuing to allow him to "live a lie." I guess all I can do is go through with the separation and see what happens from there.. I refuse to file for divorce. It just hurts. Thanks to all, again.
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