BTLC23 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I went out with this girl for three years for a while she was absolutely in love with me, then when i was going through a hard time in my life i started talking to her like I would a therapist talking about my problems and such. After two years she moved upstate and it was a LDR but we saw each other every weekend. I became very insecure and not attractive like i used to be. She was pulling away only wanting to see me one day a weekend. Then she saw pics of me and a friend with two girls, she broke up with me. She refused to talk to me on the phone, but we talked every day through text. Unfortunately I kept doing the same thing and worse which drove her away further. She finally broke up with me three weeks later. She said she doesnt have the same feelings etc. I pushed her so far that she claims it was all the bad stuff in the relationship which i know is not true. So she broke up with me through text, which sucked bc i believe that she couldnt of in person. Why did she stop talking to me on the phone was she mad at me or just detaching herself further. My question is after a month or so of no contact can i talk to her and try and reattract her like i did initially i am changing and becoming better thats why i was going to therapy.
Sevenscars Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Stay in No Contact until she contacts you, that's when she will be ready. If you contact her any earlier than when she wants to speak with you, it will make you look weak. Just live your life, change, and become better. If she doesn't want back, you will have changed for the better and most likely will have met a new, better girl. If she does want you back, that's all good but by that time you may not even want her back. Most people find that once the attraction is gone in a relationship, it never comes back. That does not mean a relationship will not work again, as attraction is only part of a relationship. But do you really want to be with someone who does not find you attractive? It's good you are changing and becoming better. It's hard, but it is worth it! Just live your life for yourself, stay NC and show this girl you have the strength to stay away and not be so needy. Everything always works out eventually.
Author BTLC23 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I used to tell her that she was the only one for me the person i have etc. I was paranoid and thought i had no one else that loved me. She said month before the breakup that i put too much pressure on her etc.
Sevenscars Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I have had relationships in which I thought that way. I started living only for the other person, and not for myself. It made me become weak and needy, and the relationship was always on the verge of utter collapse. Just remember to look out for #1...that is you. Someone whom you are in a relationship with does not complete you; they compliment you.
Author BTLC23 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 What I don't get is why she didnt want to talk to me on the phone. Im sure she was mad about the picture we talked a lot through email and she was really mad about it but i felt it was the straw that broke the camels back not a real big cause. Was she mad and need time before she could here my voice or did she use it as an excuse to distance herself from me emotionally so she could finally break up with me? I bought one of those ex back guides and it says after time you have to start over like you did when you first went out its a LDR, so i figure we could talk on the phone, aim, xbox etc after a month of two of no contact
Sevenscars Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I can not say for sure, as I do not know your whole situation, but based on experience (my own and others), I would think that her getting that mad over the picture is simply an excuse to lash out at a deeper problem. She didn't talk to you on the phone because she does not really care to. It would only be an annoyance to her, because she would figure that you would start asking questions about the relationship, and then go into a therapist-patient role again. A woman wants a strong, self-assured man; she does not want to play therapy. Your problems are your own, and while she can listen to them and help you out, every time you talk about your problems with her you are withdrawing from her emotional bank account. Just like a real bank account, there is only so much there to take out until it is empty. At the end of the day, you are really the only one who can solve your life situations anyway. So take this time apart to improve yourself and your life; this will fill the empty void that another person can not replace. And again, do not contact her unless she contacts you first! If you don't like this idea, then go ahead and contact her and see how she reacts... it's only for the best that you stay far, far away! Disappear, pretend you went into the Witness Protection Program! This will only serve to make her miss you, wonder about you, and want to find out what you are up to and how you are doing! Any contact with her and that disappears... I hope it works out for you.
Author BTLC23 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ao8_xYNrEavc7m37s6TXdH3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090719075711AAnwd4o 2 weeks no contact tommorrow im still friends with her on facebook but dont talk to her and in xbox live i want to show her i have changed but i guess the best way to do that is show her i dont need her but not contacting her
CaliGuy Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 My question is after a month or so of no contact can i talk to her and try and reattract her like i did initially i am changing and becoming better thats why i was going to therapy. Nah. You're going to do a lot more harm than good. You need to go NC and STAY NC. If her heart changes, it will be on it's own. The more you try and insert yourself into her life (and convince her to come back) the more she is going to resent you and pull away. Changes of heart come with a LONG time away from each other -- with little to no communication -- IF EVER. You know people hate the saying "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they are yours. If not, they were never meant to be." But it's absolutely true. You don't have to do anything but stay away from them.
Author BTLC23 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 I'm back its been about 4 months of no contact. I am doing a lot better but i still have my doubts. I got some good advice on here but i need more. At this point I am a lot more confident and back to how I used to be for the most part. I tried to contact her about a month ago with "Aim" meaning to go on aim no response next day i said "hi" no response so I stopped with that. This was a LDR, about 2 hours away. Should i apologize at this point and try to talk to her again or just continue no contact. I know most of you will say no contact but I want to reconcile and how can i do that without talking to her. What if she wants me to put the effort in to get her back? I was acting extremely needy in the weeks before the breakup. She seemed angry at me, maybe because she was mad at the way i was acting. Has no contact ever made the ex come back. I gave her all my power at the end is no contact getting my power back so one day if/when we do talk there will be more of a balance.
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I started living only for the other person, and not for myself. It made me become weak and needy, and the relationship was always on the verge of utter collapse. Exactly what happed to me... Totally emasculating.
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I'm back its been about 4 months of no contact. I am doing a lot better but i still have my doubts. I got some good advice on here but i need more. At this point I am a lot more confident and back to how I used to be for the most part. I tried to contact her about a month ago with "Aim" meaning to go on aim no response next day i said "hi" no response so I stopped with that. This was a LDR, about 2 hours away. Should i apologize at this point and try to talk to her again or just continue no contact. Apologize for what? IMing her? No... I know most of you will say no contact but I want to reconcile and how can i do that without talking to her. What if she wants me to put the effort in to get her back? Sounds like your AIM was an effort, yes? If she wants to talk/reconcile, she knows how to reach you... I was acting extremely needy in the weeks before the breakup. She seemed angry at me, maybe because she was mad at the way i was acting. Then why look that way again? Has no contact ever made the ex come back. I gave her all my power at the end is no contact getting my power back so one day if/when we do talk there will be more of a balance. NC is for you, not the relationship.
Oh Moe Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I started living only for the other person, and not for myself. It made me become weak and needy, and the relationship was always on the verge of utter collapse. Just remember to look out for #1...that is you. Someone whom you are in a relationship with does not complete you; they compliment you. I think this may have been me but explain. We had 6 kids between us, I was mom and dad the Ex. worked way more hours then me. I cooked everyday(at least twice sometimes three), but I love to cook, I took kids to sporting events, I love sports. I took kids to the park always I love kids. I also cooked seperatly for the Ex. and I because of her hours. Is this being needy because I loved doing these things, I've always been involved with the sports, love to cook and loved to take care of the Ex. Now she took very good care of me also!!!LOL
Author BTLC23 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 I just want to show her that Im back to normal. i guess some of it is to see if takes an interest but also I don't want her to remember me that way. It's not up to me I guess. I know there are feelings there but just anger and resentment for me "ruining" the relationship. I have to move them i just cant stop thinking about this stuff its in my head 24/7 its terrible.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 But what if they left because they felt neglected towards the end of the relationship and left because of it, my ex left for that reason, and if there was ever a GLIMMER of hope of trying to put it right (if he would ever let us try) then how can we do that if we have NC, he will just think that he was right and that I didn't care because I've gone NC. Nah. You're going to do a lot more harm than good. You need to go NC and STAY NC. If her heart changes, it will be on it's own. The more you try and insert yourself into her life (and convince her to come back) the more she is going to resent you and pull away. Changes of heart come with a LONG time away from each other -- with little to no communication -- IF EVER. You know people hate the saying "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they are yours. If not, they were never meant to be." But it's absolutely true. You don't have to do anything but stay away from them.
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 But what if they left because they felt neglected towards the end of the relationship and left because of it, my ex left for that reason, and if there was ever a GLIMMER of hope of trying to put it right (if he would ever let us try) then how can we do that if we have NC, he will just think that he was right and that I didn't care because I've gone NC. Heaven, from what you have written in all of your posts, you have made it abundantly clear to him what your feelings and desires are now, yes?
Author BTLC23 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 But what if they left because they felt neglected towards the end of the relationship and left because of it, my ex left for that reason, and if there was ever a GLIMMER of hope of trying to put it right (if he would ever let us try) then how can we do that if we have NC, he will just think that he was right and that I didn't care because I've gone NC. I feel the same way the months before I would even try to please my ex sexually we wud just sit around and do nothin so many things
bluestraps Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Begging wont work. You have to be confident and just state your case . Remind them of all the great things you had togther. Thats all you can do. If you want something go for it . Im going to contact my ex and just give it a shot. I dont like wating around with no contact especialy since its not working . If she says no then leave it alone. Wait see if they change their mind
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Well if there are communication problems it can be an uphill battle.
melja Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Forget about what everyone else says and suggests. You know this girl. You love her, you have to do what your heart tells you to. I have had NC with most of my exes and a lot of them have come back. But this works better with guys, as girls have softer hearts and are more willing to forgive. Keeping her as a friend on FB was a great idea. Now you can use that to say hi. Just send her one message in a friendly tone and see how she responds. If she deletes you, you know not to contact her again. Just contact her once per week to start with and allow things to build naturally and see how she is feeling. If you get a bad response, just let it go, but if she left you on her page it indicates she still wants you in her life, trust me when an ex dumps you on FB, you know they don't want to stay in touch. She would miss you unless she stopped loving you. I have only stopped loving 2 exes, one because he was not conservative and we had too many arguments about lifestyle, the other because he wasn't who I thought he was when I met him. From what you wrote it sounds like she may still love you, but needs you to be the man and get your life on track. Good luck.
Author BTLC23 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 melja it has been 5 months since I have talked to her on the phone and 4 months NC basically i wished her happy birthday in july and she wished me happy birthday in september. Since then I texted her twice with no response just "hi" or "aim". Two days ago I called her with no answer I didn't leave a voicemail. I am in a much better place now because of NC I am back to my old self again, the man and I have my life back on track. This was our first relationship so we didn't know how to handle the issues properly. I did a lot of damage, I sabotaged myself basically. She would say your acting needy and i would be like yea and would go on the internet and look up issues i thought i had, I told her that she was more of a mother to me than my girlfriend. This all was not true I just was in a really bad fog. I don't know what to say first.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I haven't said I want him back and I haven't pressured him in any way, but he does know I have found the break up really hard, and I did say a month ago I needed some space cos he was still the centre of my life and my feelings for him were still deep. So I guess so. I can't let go Heaven, from what you have written in all of your posts, you have made it abundantly clear to him what your feelings and desires are now, yes?
mmk1 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 If you have told him how you feel and what you want from the relationship, then there is no need to contact him anymore as there is nothing to say. It is up to him. In the meantime, do what's best for you and move on like you will never hear from him again, as you may not. If he does contact you, reply only to the extent that you confirm that what you want is what he wants. If he does not, end the contact and tell him to not call again until/unless he wants what you want, but let him know you will be moving on and not waiting for him. This is really all you can do!
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