loveslife Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I hear people on here saying they have trouble with the people they want to be with - of course, it's a dating advice site. When people suggest the OP consider the types they're interested in, the OP will often say, hey, I have to be attracted to her/him. But lately I've been noticing, within myself, a difference in what and who I'm attracted to. And I think it has to do with changes in myself and what I want. I think to a large degree we DO control who we're attracted to by what is important to us. And I think sometimes our "attraction" or lack thereof has to do with external influences like family, friends, society. Who we're supposed to want due to an image that we have. Thoughts?
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I agree in that yes, you can change who you are attracted to. What I think is important, is being 100% clear on who you are so that it's easy for you to pick out "yes" and "no" on whether or not you're attracted to somebody. IOW, have a strong sense of yourself in relation to the world so you know for sure what you're looking for. But yes - this can shift as we age and change.
Author loveslife Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I tried to change the subject to "I think we DO control...." instead of CAN control, but it seems to have only changed the subject within the message... Oh well, this is probably similar to the theory that we have the relationship we want but maybe it's a different part of the whole thing, the part that leads us to the relationship. Right now, I'm looking for a man who is honourable and kind and smart and fun. I think these are things I've always wanted but now I really understand the difference. Hopefully.
Author loveslife Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I agree in that yes, you can change who you are attracted to. What I think is important, is being 100% clear on who you are so that it's easy for you to pick out "yes" and "no" on whether or not you're attracted to somebody. IOW, have a strong sense of yourself in relation to the world so you know for sure what you're looking for. But yes - this can shift as we age and change. Yes, totally, I think it is that sense of self that guides us to who we really want to be with. Without that, we end up with someone who is not right for us, who doesn't value us.
Trialbyfire Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Yup. Eject negative influences and embrace positive influences. Also, if a guy shows he's not all in...walk.
tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 To some extent I agree, but I have recently found myself in a situation where I wish I was attracted to someone. I do want a loving relationship with someone that I am eventually going to marry. I have recently come across a girl that has a lot of the things I look for in a possible mate, but I have a hard time feeling attracted to her. It has nothing to do with me wanting to play around or being scared of any kind of commitment........its simply who she is as a person, her demeanor, her actions/behaviors just invokes an emotion out of me that is an attraction killer. It really does suck. If I was sexually attracted to this person, she'd be PERFECT in my eyes, but I am not, and sexual attractiveness is something no one should compromise on.
Author loveslife Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Yup. Eject negative influences and embrace positive influences. Also, if a guy shows he's not all in...walk. Exactly!
Author loveslife Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 To some extent I agree, but I have recently found myself in a situation where I wish I was attracted to someone. I do want a loving relationship with someone that I am eventually going to marry. I have recently come across a girl that has a lot of the things I look for in a possible mate, but I have a hard time feeling attracted to her. It has nothing to do with me wanting to play around or being scared of any kind of commitment........its simply who she is as a person, her demeanor, her actions/behaviors just invokes an emotion out of me that is an attraction killer. It really does suck. If I was sexually attracted to this person, she'd be PERFECT in my eyes, but I am not, and sexual attractiveness is something no one should compromise on. Tomtom26, I was following your thread. It's totally not for me to say but the impression I get is that you're worried about how she'll come across to others, that she isn't who you see yourself with out in the world. I think you see her as someone who comes across as too innocent or childlike and you worry how others will perceive you being with her. She's not your ideal of the woman by your side. My feeling is, if you were so sure she wasn't right for you and you were not attracted it wouldn't be this torturous for you to break up with her. I think that a lot of time our sexual attraction has to do with what we think we're supposed to want. In my experience, the person we're with becomes our type not the other way around. But in this instant everything world nobody takes their time getting to know one another. I'm not trying to judge you. This is the impression I get but I recognize that I could be 100% wrong.
tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Tomtom26, I was following your thread. It's totally not for me to say but the impression I get is that you're worried about how she'll come across to others, that she isn't who you see yourself with out in the world. I think you see her as someone who comes across as too innocent or childlike and you worry how others will perceive you being with her. She's not your ideal of the woman by your side. My feeling is, if you were so sure she wasn't right for you and you were not attracted it wouldn't be this torturous for you to break up with her. I think that a lot of time our sexual attraction has to do with what we think we're supposed to want. In my experience, the person we're with becomes our type not the other way around. But in this instant everything world nobody takes their time getting to know one another. I'm not trying to judge you. This is the impression I get but I recognize that I could be 100% wrong. You definitely make a good point! Impression by others definitely do matter, not that I'm saying my current predicament is based on that. The problem is that my friends and family like her. She is just fine around them, but when we are alone, she's just way to child-like for me to find her attractive as a woman. For instance, one night we were sitting my car after dinner, opened up the moonroof and just reclined in our seats talking and enjoying the the stary night. Well I lean over to kiss her and the middle console digs into my side and it kinda hurts. She then starts tapping the middle console in a baby voice "don't hurt tom". I was like, wtf? I mean, we are having a very intimate moment and its like she goes from that to acting like a little kid. And this is more often than not.......always with her baby/kid voice. It feels weird.......if it was every once in a while, it would be endearing, but its ALL the time. I can't handle that, it totally kills attraction for me! This isn't it all, but one of a few examples
Author loveslife Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 You definitely make a good point! Impression by others definitely do matter, not that I'm saying my current predicament is based on that. The problem is that my friends and family like her. She is just fine around them, but when we are alone, she's just way to child-like for me to find her attractive as a woman. For instance, one night we were sitting my car after dinner, opened up the moonroof and just reclined in our seats talking and enjoying the the stary night. Well I lean over to kiss her and the middle console digs into my side and it kinda hurts. She then starts tapping the middle console in a baby voice "don't hurt tom". I was like, wtf? I mean, we are having a very intimate moment and its like she goes from that to acting like a little kid. And this is more often than not.......always with her baby/kid voice. It feels weird.......if it was every once in a while, it would be endearing, but its ALL the time. I can't handle that, it totally kills attraction for me! This isn't it all, but one of a few examples That makes sense. I wonder if there's anything you can say to her?
JohnP82 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 You definitely make a good point! Impression by others definitely do matter, not that I'm saying my current predicament is based on that. The problem is that my friends and family like her. She is just fine around them, but when we are alone, she's just way to child-like for me to find her attractive as a woman. For instance, one night we were sitting my car after dinner, opened up the moonroof and just reclined in our seats talking and enjoying the the stary night. Well I lean over to kiss her and the middle console digs into my side and it kinda hurts. She then starts tapping the middle console in a baby voice "don't hurt tom". I was like, wtf? I mean, we are having a very intimate moment and its like she goes from that to acting like a little kid. And this is more often than not.......always with her baby/kid voice. It feels weird.......if it was every once in a while, it would be endearing, but its ALL the time. I can't handle that, it totally kills attraction for me! This isn't it all, but one of a few examples Tom have you told her that this annoys you? If she is so great I would think that you may try to explain to her what's bothering you and see if that helps/changes things.
tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 That makes sense. I wonder if there's anything you can say to her? Tom have you told her that this annoys you? If she is so great I would think that you may try to explain to her what's bothering you and see if that helps/changes things. I have thought about talking to her about, BUT.... She isn't doing this for me, this is who she is. Do I really want to be with someone and ask them to change their personality? If she smoked or drank too much, yes.....those you can talk about and some compromises could be made. But I would never ask and would hate if she is forcing herself to be someone she is not because of me. That's extremely unfair to her too.
BCCA Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I hear people on here saying they have trouble with the people they want to be with - of course, it's a dating advice site. When people suggest the OP consider the types they're interested in, the OP will often say, hey, I have to be attracted to her/him. But lately I've been noticing, within myself, a difference in what and who I'm attracted to. And I think it has to do with changes in myself and what I want. I think to a large degree we DO control who we're attracted to by what is important to us. And I think sometimes our "attraction" or lack thereof has to do with external influences like family, friends, society. Who we're supposed to want due to an image that we have. Thoughts? I dont think you can control what you find attractive, looks wise, per say. But you can control what you do and how you act once you are attracted. I've met girls who were interested in me in the past, but they just didnt do it for me. They werent ugly or mutant like, but their look just wasnt attractive to me, and I'm sure women have felt the same way about me. Its like, you can see that they are attractive to someone, but its just not you. After the initial attraction is when all your choices kick in. If their personality is off, or they arent respectful or nice, or they are otherwise not compatible, most people dont do the right thing - which is walk away. And sometimes they seem to have everything, but youre still just not feeling it. Better to walk than feel like you settled. My feeling is, if you were so sure she wasn't right for you and you were not attracted it wouldn't be this torturous for you to break up with her I tend to disagree. I think men are leery of leaving women and being alone naturally. Thats why women end most relationships. Also, he might not be 100% sure she isnt right, but chances are, if you arent 100% sure she is, shes probably not.
Sam Spade Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 great thread, and I 100% agree. You can choose what to be attracted to, including sexually. Of course some minimum primal treshold needs to be met, but that's not that hard. My gf is hot, I mean HOT. But, it took me months to realize it, just because she deviates from my prior "type", and from the uniform barbie-like media template (I'm not big on ****ting on the media, but there is particular stereotype that's peddled over and over again). Anyway, after I managed to de-clutter my perception, I basically was stunned. As for the other aspects of attraction, the key is expectations management. As somebody already mentioned here, often times the barrier to attraction is not any real major problem, but rather a deep convictions/assumptions about who do we feel supposed to be with/what's expected of us. That is silly, and here is where being self-aware enough comes into play. here's a controversial agrument: I would argue that the weaker person one is, with weaker identity and boundaries, the more important it is for them to be with someone who is "just so" or "just right" for us. Conversely, the stronger you are, the easier time you should have relating to someone deviating from your template, and have fun in the process. Anyway, adjusting/tweaking (not to be confused with 'lowering') expectations is much easier road to happiness than an ongoing (and often futile) search for something "just so". Back to my experience - I always assumed that I'd end up with someone with a PhD (since that's all that I've been doing and is kinda expected). Then, i realised that it means nothing for the quality of the relationship, not to mention that my silly gf demonstrates emotional intelligence that is way beyond what my jaded highly educated exgf and female friends have demonstrated .
Sam Spade Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I dont think you can control what you find attractive, looks wise, per say. But you can control what you do and how you act once you are attracted. I've met girls who were interested in me in the past, but they just didnt do it for me. They werent ugly or mutant like, but their look just wasnt attractive to me, and I'm sure women have felt the same way about me. Its like, you can see that they are attractive to someone, but its just not you. After the initial attraction is when all your choices kick in. If their personality is off, or they arent respectful or nice, or they are otherwise not compatible, most people dont do the right thing - which is walk away. And sometimes they seem to have everything, but youre still just not feeling it. Better to walk than feel like you settled. Um, yes and no. There is important distinction to be made between staying in a relationship in which you are actually unhappy with something - something particulat that you can name and feel that it is not possible to change, and just feeling a vague feeling of something being off. In the latter case, the problem is likely to be internal rather to have anything to do with the other person. I tend to disagree. I think men are leery of leaving women and being alone naturally. Thats why women end most relationships. Also, he might not be 100% sure she isnt right, but chances are, if you arent 100% sure she is, shes probably not. Again, yes and no, and it depends on how people process their feelings. Someone overanalytical (like me), will list all the pros and cons, and if it computes in the black, then everything is okay. The rest is just a leap of faith and natural risk. Others rely exclusively on "feeling it", which is fine, but again, there is a big risk of own internal issues interfering with the outcome, rather than something being deal-break-ish with the other person.
Sam Spade Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 You definitely make a good point! Impression by others definitely do matter, not that I'm saying my current predicament is based on that. The problem is that my friends and family like her. She is just fine around them, but when we are alone, she's just way to child-like for me to find her attractive as a woman. For instance, one night we were sitting my car after dinner, opened up the moonroof and just reclined in our seats talking and enjoying the the stary night. Well I lean over to kiss her and the middle console digs into my side and it kinda hurts. She then starts tapping the middle console in a baby voice "don't hurt tom". I was like, wtf? I mean, we are having a very intimate moment and its like she goes from that to acting like a little kid. And this is more often than not.......always with her baby/kid voice. It feels weird.......if it was every once in a while, it would be endearing, but its ALL the time. I can't handle that, it totally kills attraction for me! This isn't it all, but one of a few examples well, if you're not attreacted to her, then there is pretty much nothing you can do. If you were, I can see how the childish behavior is annoying, but it isn't necessarily a dealbreaker, depending on how deep it runs. it's a crapshoot, but you can engage her in mature activities and conversations and see how she responds. If she has no interest whtatsoever in relating to such things, then yes, bad prospects. But if she respects your interests and makes at least marginal effort to participate, than that's really sweet. Also, imagine how great she'll be with the kids
Author loveslife Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 great thread, and I 100% agree. You can choose what to be attracted to, including sexually. Of course some minimum primal treshold needs to be met, but that's not that hard. My gf is hot, I mean HOT. But, it took me months to realize it, just because she deviates from my prior "type", and from the uniform barbie-like media template (I'm not big on ****ting on the media, but there is particular stereotype that's peddled over and over again). Anyway, after I managed to de-clutter my perception, I basically was stunned. As for the other aspects of attraction, the key is expectations management. As somebody already mentioned here, often times the barrier to attraction is not any real major problem, but rather a deep convictions/assumptions about who do we feel supposed to be with/what's expected of us. That is silly, and here is where being self-aware enough comes into play. here's a controversial agrument: I would argue that the weaker person one is, with weaker identity and boundaries, the more important it is for them to be with someone who is "just so" or "just right" for us. Conversely, the stronger you are, the easier time you should have relating to someone deviating from your template, and have fun in the process. Anyway, adjusting/tweaking (not to be confused with 'lowering') expectations is much easier road to happiness than an ongoing (and often futile) search for something "just so". Back to my experience - I always assumed that I'd end up with someone with a PhD (since that's all that I've been doing and is kinda expected). Then, i realised that it means nothing for the quality of the relationship, not to mention that my silly gf demonstrates emotional intelligence that is way beyond what my jaded highly educated exgf and female friends have demonstrated . Sam Spade, I think this is such an awesome post and just what I was trying to get at with my original message. Thanks for putting it so well.
stepka Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I was not initially attracted to my ex-husband, and we were friends for 7 years before we started to date. I still wasn't completely in or sure I was attracted when we married, but everything else was so perfect that I decided that I'd be stupid to not go for it and it was a good marriage overall, but I somehow never lost the feeling that something was missing. When he asked for a divorce a few months ago, I was afraid I might have hurt him with my huge sigh of relief because now i can hopefully find "the one" and I hope I'll never feel I have to settle again. It really never was a question of attractiveness though--he was attractive enough, but something was just missing. It turned out that he was gay, and everyone thinks I'm hurting, but I'm to the point where I'm blessing him for setting me free. Oh, and Sam Spade, I'm glad you found your gf. She sounds like she's just right for you, and you sound like you're wise enough to appreciate her, and I hope I can do as well for myself.
Recommended Posts