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Is it possible for the one who broke up, to feel heartbroken? (If they really loved u


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Posted

I dated my college sweet heart for 3 years. We were our first. I know she loved me very much, but it just didnt work out (+ we were going long distance to different countries). Even though she reacted angry at the mutual break up, she recently rejected my advances 1 month later (at friendship, or maybe a relationship), and is currently dating another guy.

 

Is it possible that she's feeling heartbroken too? I know she loved me very me very much.

 

**It was a mutual breakup. But the fact that she was trying to move on after 4 weeks, made it seemed like it was her choice. especially since i was longing for her.

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Posted

***Note: When we msn-ed after 1 month, she said the nastiest things I ever heard. She's a girl that doesnt show anger (very closed) unless she cares for people, and she was furious. She told me she had another man, she was doing great, moved on in 5 minutes. And kept typing and typing... (she ignores you if she's really over you. or doesnt show anger.).

 

 

***Note 2: When I texted her to tell her i wanted to say goodbye to her before she moved away. She texted me that she wasn't ready to speak to me...."not ready...not nearly ready".

I took this as a sign that she wasnt truly over me like she said.

 

I dont know. I atleast want to think that she is also grieving me, as I am her.

Posted

Bolso, it sounds as if she's doing what she has to do to get over you and move forward.

If you were her "first", how do you know that she "ignores people if she's really over them"? Aren't you the first one that she's having to get over...so how do you know what her pattern is, about that?

 

Possibly you are reading signs that aren't really there...or misinterpreting her words and actions. You're skewing things so that they fit with your want/need for her to be grieving you, perhaps?

 

Even if it was a mutual break-up, it sounds as if you have some catching up to do as far as moving forward. I think you are likely thinking about her more than she is about you. She's dating someone else, and she's probably spending a lot of time thinking about him. So "mutual grieving" (if there is such a thing) sounds highly unlikely.

 

Have you considered going 'no contact'?

Posted

Oh no, this is nasty I've had this...

 

Can you describe the breakup? Give some reasons? If she's reacted angrily to the mutual breakup it doesn't sound too mutual?

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Posted

Well.

We broke up about 2-3 times during the 3 years. And even though she puts a very strong front, she was devastated.

 

Basically, we both knew we were heading long distance (im going to Europe for 2 years and She's going to the US for graduate studies), it put a strain in the last 2-3 months. She still showed me she loved me very much (doing incredible things, sacrificing a lot for me).

---------

but about 2-3 months ago, we just started to grow apart. We fought a lot and it got tiring. Basically early july, we had 2-3 days where every time we saw eachother, we'd fight. We were unhappy. After 1 fight during 1 of her parties, we spoke on the phone (right after the fight) and both said it was "time to end it".

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Posted

this time we separated and didnt talk for a good 3 weeks.

Her dating another guy, with only 3-4 weeks before she left (especially her 32 year old boss/friend) was shocking, to me and all of her friends. Because she's not the type of girl to do that......at all. (insanely conservative with men).

 

She put up a front of "not being" hurt again. But when we chatted on MSN, she was angrier than i had ever seen her. Said typically mean things women say "I got over you in minutes. I found a better man, yada yada". And she's not an emotional type, in that sense. (she bottles it if she doesnt care about you).

 

She kept telling me that she HAD to move on. (basically 1- we werent working, and 2- we were going very LD).

Then after she told me that she didnt want me to contact her for awhile. I texted her, (1 week later), which sparked a text conversation of over 9 long messages from her. It really seemed like she was hurt, as she was saying :

"I will contact you. But not now. Im not ready, not nearly ready".

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Posted

Her dad emailed me to tell me that I meant the world to her.

 

So I know she loved me very much. I spoke to a psychologist friend of mine (mother's friend), and she knew her well. After telling her that she never completely "cut me off" 100% like this, she told me a few things.

1- Her completely surprising act to suddenly date her Boss (who was also dumped after 4 years on the same day we broke up), was probably an act of desperation. And it is probably helping her get her mind off of me a lot.

2- Since she figures that we wont work, (too many differences, and LD), she doesnt want to complicate her life, and respect her new BF. Especially with her moving away, and dealing with a lot of things now.

3- We were closer than any 2 couples she had seen because for 3 years, we were eachother's main friends....both of us were isolated and alone in university. Also grew up alone (only children 1 parent).

So her sudden reaction to cut me off, is to make it easier on the both of us. But she probably still has feelings, so wants to surpress them as much as she can.

 

 

I know this sounds like "this is what i want to hear". But i truly believe it in my heart. I understand that she's distracted and hasnt had a chance to mourn much. But the things we did for eachother were beyond "relationship", we were the best friends we had ever had. (stuff that even pessimists (parents, etc) have said "if you 2 dont become life long intimate friends, i dont know who will".

Posted

There may be one of a couple of things going on here. Sometimes when a mutual breakup is agreed, one side may not see it as particularly mutual but feel aggrieved that you weren't prepared to fight a bit harder for it. The second thing is that sometimes when people breakup, in order to survive, a coping mechanism is to simply blame it on the other person and criticise their flaws and forget about them in order to move on.

 

The problem is firstly you ARE broken up, and she doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't have to have any further friendship. I don't think you've quite grasped this yet. You are NOT her boyfriend anymore, so why does she have to talk to you about whether she's hurt or not? There's no reason to drag this out. Secondly she is being incredibly hurtful to you by saying these things, which is out of order. You cannot put up with this as it will just drag you down. I suggest you go non contact and move your life on, perhaps when you've both moved on and enough distance has gone between you then you may be able to have a friendship.

 

It really is time you concentrated on YOU and moved on. How she copes with the breakup is her business, and not for you to question. You need to focus on moving your own life on as what is happening with her is neither here nor there. I know this may sound harsh, but if you keep expecting her to take some of your pain away you're looking in the wrong place. It's hard after having someone there for so long, but you are going to have to find a friend, cry a bit, and put yourself back together piece by piece without her in your life. And yes, I know that's tough, I've been there too, and the reason I'm giving you this advice is because I know that if you keep talking to her it's just going to make it worse.

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