Phateless Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Yes, that does make sense, and I think this is aligned with my point about taking your best guess on previous experience. You had a relationship breakdown, you learn and try not to choose those same things, and find the reason why you chose those things. The problem is, even then, because it's a two way partnership, you can't control the other person or what is going to influence them over the duration. So even though you took your best shot, a couple of years down the line you may have found that things have changed. This is why I debate the word "want". It's more like "you are with a partner you have chosen based upon a number of factors". I get that. I think what I'm trying to say is that we are all attracted to archetypes, whether we like it or not. While we don't intentionally repeat our mistakes, we do go for the same type of person over and over because they have common traits that draw us in. Often the same common traits that draw us in are precisely the traits that end up causing us so much heartache. The trick is to learn to give reason higher priority than emotion. If we all knew how to do that, this board would not exist.
Author paddington bear Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I get that. I think what I'm trying to say is that we are all attracted to archetypes, whether we like it or not. While we don't intentionally repeat our mistakes, we do go for the same type of person over and over because they have common traits that draw us in. Often the same common traits that draw us in are precisely the traits that end up causing us so much heartache. The trick is to learn to give reason higher priority than emotion. If we all knew how to do that, this board would not exist. I agree with this except the reason over emotion...I dunno, I've found that I've thought myself into circles through 'reasoning' and end up well, basically totally confused and ultimately I've thought myself into a corner and done nothing because I've spent too long cogitating the pros and cons and what if's. But then I've found emotions really are, well, emotions. Say you're in a job. One day you don't get enough sleep, you arrive to work grumpy, you find your colleagues annoying and you think your job is boring and everything seems to go wrong. Your emotions, ON THAT DAY, tell you that you hate your stupid, stinking job. However, on another day, you go to the same job, same colleagues, same everything and ON THAT DAY, you might love your job, simply because you're in a different mood. So, I don't think you can be guided by emotions either. Situations can seem totally different depending on what mood we're in. Which leads to the question 'what should we be guided by?'...ahhm...ok, so I don't really have an answer to that, only to say, perhaps gut instinct on what is happening right now rather than thinking of what could happen in the future, or what has happened in the past.
Phateless Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Makes sense. To oversimplify and reference the original concept, I think we all steer ourselves toward the situations we are in, even if we don't want to be there. Does that help mediate between wanting and not wanting to be there? Whether we want to be here or not, we put ourselves here for various reasons - overcoming the past, familiarity and this being all we know, or maybe we're well adjusted and guided ourselves straight into a good situation? But my point about archetypes stands tall and true.
Author paddington bear Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I think we all steer ourselves toward the situations we are in, even if we don't want to be there. But my point about archetypes stands tall and true. Agreed! I think I've just had a hard time getting my head around, well what you've just said, steering ourselves towards the situations we're in. And I suppose it's always easier to blame other people and outside circumstances instead of looking at what we ourselves did or said. Guess I'm kind of hoping by thinking 'I've got what I want right now' whether it's good or bad, that I realise I've to take more responsibility in what kind of relationships I draw towards me. And that if I'm in a bad relationship, by thinking in this 'I brought this person/situation into my life' way, it might make me actually stop and think when things are not so good and to do something about it, again, to take responsibility for the way things are, so that I might get what I want ie a better relationship, maybe with the same person, or with a new person and so on... And...I'm sure your archetype point always stands tall and true
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