Drew2073 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 As previously posted, I had been emailing back and forth with a woman in Texas. I finally told her I thought she was intelligent, kind and attractive and would she agree to us slowly getting to know each other and moving towards a possible relationship. She responded by saying she was "incredibly flattered by my interest" by she is too focused on finding a post-Army career and getting over a past break-up to date anyone. I said I understood, but then I thought: is she saying "no" and letting me down easy, or is she saying "not now but try back in a few months?" I asked her "if things were (for lack of a better term) "normal," would she have agreed immediately? She said "I'm just not interested." Ok. Fine. I accepted that. I asked if we could still be friends? No response. Next day I asked if I did anything to offend her, and apologized if I did. No response. I waited a few more days and she answered "I don't think we should email any more. Please stop." All I did was ask her if she would be willing to slowly start a relationship, and when I received an ambiguous answer I wanted clarity. Was that so wrong that now she won't even talk to me or accept whatever apology I try to give?
Thaddeus Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 She assumed that you'd take the hint, or that you could read her mind, but she didn't want to come right out and tell you that she's not interested in a relationship. It was not "try back in a few months," it was code for "buzz off." Then you made two critical errors: You asked her if you could still be friends. You apologized even though you had nothing to apologize for. Never, ever, do either of these. Both come off as weak (sorry, but it's true) and women don't respect weakness. I'm not suggesting you are weak - not at all - but I am suggesting that this is how she interpreted it and, as such, any respect she had for you just plummeted.
Vet Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 As previously posted, I had been emailing back and forth with a woman in Texas. I finally told her I thought she was intelligent, kind and attractive and would she agree to us slowly getting to know each other and moving towards a possible relationship. She responded by saying she was "incredibly flattered by my interest" by she is too focused on finding a post-Army career and getting over a past break-up to date anyone. I said I understood, but then I thought: is she saying "no" and letting me down easy, or is she saying "not now but try back in a few months?" I asked her "if things were (for lack of a better term) "normal," would she have agreed immediately? She said "I'm just not interested." Ok. Fine. I accepted that. I asked if we could still be friends? No response. Next day I asked if I did anything to offend her, and apologized if I did. No response. I waited a few more days and she answered "I don't think we should email any more. Please stop." All I did was ask her if she would be willing to slowly start a relationship, and when I received an ambiguous answer I wanted clarity. Was that so wrong that now she won't even talk to me or accept whatever apology I try to give? Wow, you came off as desperate and descended into creepy. You should have stopped talking to her after the first response she gave.
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 She responded by saying she was "incredibly flattered by my interest" by she is too focused on finding a post-Army career and getting over a past break-up to date anyone. All I did was ask her if she would be willing to slowly start a relationship, and when I received an ambiguous answer I wanted clarity. Was that so wrong that now she won't even talk to me or accept whatever apology I try to give? Once she informed you of her career plans and the fact that she is still getting over a break up, you should have left it at that. You probably came across as too pushy, and she has probably got the idea you are not respecting her current decision. All you can do at this point is apologize(if possible), and tell her you respect her decision. Its up to her if she wants to remain friends.
Author Drew2073 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Wow, you came off as desperate and descended into creepy. You should have stopped talking to her after the first response she gave. Like I said, it was vague. I had no way of knowing based on that response whether she was saying "Not now maybe later" or just "No." I had to clarify. She said not interested. I told her I accepted that, and asked if we could stay *platonic* friends. I got no response at all which left me thinking "WTF?" What I'm getting here is that I should have interpreted "Not now maybe later" as "No" and given up on a potential future opportunity, and after taking a vague answer as a firm "No" I should have said "OK, despite our previous rapport that's all I was interested in, certainly not trying to remain friends like a decent person. See ya!" ???
Author Drew2073 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Once she informed you of her career plans and the fact that she is still getting over a break up, you should have left it at that. You probably came across as too pushy, and she has probably got the idea you are not respecting her current decision. All you can do at this point is apologize(if possible), and tell her you respect her decision. Its up to her if she wants to remain friends. I *did* tell her that I respected her decision, but I wasn't sure at first what exactly that decision was!
New Again Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 As previously posted, I had been emailing back and forth with a woman in Texas. I finally told her I thought she was intelligent, kind and attractive and would she agree to us slowly getting to know each other and moving towards a possible relationship. She responded by saying she was "incredibly flattered by my interest" by she is too focused on finding a post-Army career and getting over a past break-up to date anyone. I said I understood, but then I thought: is she saying "no" and letting me down easy, or is she saying "not now but try back in a few months?" I asked her "if things were (for lack of a better term) "normal," would she have agreed immediately? She said "I'm just not interested." Ok. Fine. I accepted that. I asked if we could still be friends? No response. Next day I asked if I did anything to offend her, and apologized if I did. No response. I waited a few more days and she answered "I don't think we should email any more. Please stop." All I did was ask her if she would be willing to slowly start a relationship, and when I received an ambiguous answer I wanted clarity. Was that so wrong that now she won't even talk to me or accept whatever apology I try to give? I *did* tell her that I respected her decision, but I wasn't sure at first what exactly that decision was! Well...sure, she could've been more blunt, but to be honest, most people aren't. You have to learn to read between the lines. In this case, I think it was pretty clear she was telling you "no," and this is why: You expressed your interest and intent - she KNEW what you wanted from her. So she gave you excuses (reasons? maybe, but probably not) as to why she didn't want to go down that road with you. Maybe in this case what she DIDN'T say is what makes it so obvious she wasn't interested. She knew what you wanted, but she didn't respond with: "I just got out of a relationship, I'm looking for a job, etc., so let's take it slow" or some variation. Had she been interested she would have responded with some alternative. Think of it like this: It's the same thing as dating. You ask a girl out, suggest a time. That doesn't work for her. If she's interested, she'll respond with a "that doesn't work, but I'm available on this day instead."
boogieboy Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Like I said, it was vague. I had no way of knowing based on that response whether she was saying "Not now maybe later" or just "No." I had to clarify. She said not interested. I told her I accepted that, and asked if we could stay *platonic* friends. I got no response at all which left me thinking "WTF?" What I'm getting here is that I should have interpreted "Not now maybe later" as "No" and given up on a potential future opportunity, and after taking a vague answer as a firm "No" I should have said "OK, despite our previous rapport that's all I was interested in, certainly not trying to remain friends like a decent person. See ya!" ??? It will ALWAYS be vague. It will ALWAYS be some sort of answer that give you hope, they suck for doing that, but you have to deal with it. Alot of women feel too guilty to say "Im not interested" up front. Basically, if you ask to get together, and theres an excuse why they cant, then you never talk to them again. Thats it. Anything that isnt a Yes, is to be interpreted as a no. Ill make you a chart of subtle "No's". Im not ready to be in a relationship right now. Im getting over a past relationship. Its too far for me I have to focus on my career. I have other plans I need time to think Maybe in the future we can see call me in two weeks You know shes on a dating site, so anything she says that isnt yes is a lie.
Mary3 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 You sound like a " Dig in the heels til they bleed kind of guy " No Means NO. Maybe means NO. Yes means NO.
BCCA Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Anything that isnt a Yes, is to be interpreted as a no. THIS! Also, keep in mind that even if you get a 'yes' it could still be BS. If she says anything but yes, its completely 100% NO. I was unsure myself long ago, but Ive learned this time and time again. If its not yes/sure/etc, she is not interested at all. Women are vague. They dont want to look bad NOW, so theyll gladly take giving you hope to get away, knowing the whole time its always going to be a no. Im not ready to be in a relationship right now. Im getting over a past relationship. Its too far for me I have to focus on my career. I have other plans I need time to think Maybe in the future we can see call me in two weeks All great examples. Also, anything regarding family problems, sick animals, work being busy...basically, like New Again said, if they actually have things going on, they offer alternatives. If they dont do that, you can bet that its all crap. Women expect guys to get this by now, hence their vagueness.
pam55555 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 She responded by saying she was "incredibly flattered by my interest" by she is too focused on finding a post-Army career and getting over a past break-up to date anyone. I said I understood, but then I thought: is she saying "no" and letting me down easy, or is she saying "not now but try back in a few months?" "incredibly flattered" = just not that into you, and perhaps even a little weirded out Seriously, if she was game for it but wanted to try later, she would say so; maybe an open invite for some time in the future for something as simple as coffee, at the very least. From what you relay of her reply, it reminds me of the turn-down messages I give to guys I am not interested in (ooh, the Army! I'll have to remember that one). She said "I'm just not interested."So she DID tell you flat out. What is your question here exactly?! You're creeping her out!
boogieboy Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 What is your question here exactly?! You're creeping her out! He said he needed clarification. She said "im not ready to be in a relationship right now" And he took that to mean she thought he should try again in the future, but she really just meant "No".
dreamergrl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 She gave you answer, she did it in a nice way, hoping you'd get the hint. You didn't, you read into it too much, and you kept on with the contact. Walk away now.... save some dignity.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 She gave you answer, she did it in a nice way, hoping you'd get the hint. You didn't, you read into it too much, and you kept on with the contact. Walk away now.... save some dignity.I agree with this. No one wants to deliberately hurt anyone else's feelings, especially if you have rapport. So now, she's given you a straight answer, after being pressed for it. Try not to take it so hard, in that it's better to know quickly, than for her to string you along. It's time to keep fishing.
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