Do looks matter?

[Mrs_AJ]

Hi guys,

 

So I've been thinking about something for a long time and it's about to face me soon and I don't know what to think. I'm sure I can't be the only one who has thought about this, right?

 

I got to know my SO 11 months ago. He's all the way in the States and little me in UK. I'm seeing him in 8 days time which is great. We've never met before in person. So I'm really really looking foward to it.

 

We have a lot in common, but we're different in character which seems to fit somehow. We laugh a lot, we've had arguments ( well really me arguing with him) and we've talked a lot about a future together. It's going well.

 

On top of everything else I would need to consider (him or me moving, work, parents consent, etc etc) there's this one nagging thing that doesn't seem to leave me - looks.

 

You see I started having feelings for him before I saw his pic. We were talking on the phone, chatting etc. I just felt a stong pull towards him. Then I saw his pic and thought - ok, nice, cute. I thought he looked nice.

 

I've then seen other pics of him and seen him on webcam and felt that sometimes I am attracted to him and find him good looking at times, at other times not as much. I went to the length of showing my close friends a pic of him and just see what they think. I mean I don't even really care what they think, it's just that I didn't sometimes know what I thought. I'm just worried that when we meet I may not find him as attractive as I would have wanted to. I'm not even sure what my type is. I mean does it matter? Do looks matter? I mean I'm considering a future with him, i.e.marriage, kids, a life together. So how much should looks matter in all that? Or is it attraction?

 

He always tells me I'm beautiful, and that he's very attracted to me. I wish I could always feel the same towards him. I want to feel towards him what he feels for me.

 

Do you guys think I'll know for sure once Ive met him in person?

 

What attracts you to your SO? Is it looks, personality, both?

 

I feel so shallow I'd hate to even consider breaking this up due to looks or attraction...eugh.

 

Thanks for reading. Any advice?

[Thaddeus]

Of course looks matter. They're not the be-all and end-all, and looks do fade over time, but having preferences in what you look for in a partner relating to looks, body type and all the rest doesn't make you shallow at all.

 

First things first, though. Meet the fellow. Spend some time with him. Maybe you'll be massively attracted to him in person, maybe not. But if you can, set aside your predispositions for a bit and just see how it goes.

 

Good luck!

[2sure]

Looks do matter. But what is attractive to one person may not be to another, so someone doesnt need to be traditionally good looking to be found perfectly hot by someone else.

 

Chemistry, the stuff required for love and passion...is a physical thing and you dont know if its really there until you meet in person. Although the chemistry is a physical thing...its made up of more than what somewhat looks like, what they smell like, etc. When there is chemistry that has also been created by seeing someone inside - like their humor, their values, etc, ....you know how you can meet someone average looking, nondescript and hardly notice them...and then you get to know them more and suddenly realize that the way he gets a dimple on just one side when he smiles, drives you crazy, and then he is hot.

 

So, when you know someone and have feelings for them...there is a better chance for some chemistry to work its magic. But beware, its either there or it isnt. Be prepared for that too.

[Bayern]

I think that is for you to decide. Looks matter to a degree, of course.

[Els]

I think what you're having is simple pre-meeting jitters. I'm sure all of us have asked ourselves before the first meeting, 'What if I'm not attracted to him in person?'. It would be unrealistic not to.

 

I think you should just not worry about it, stop with the picture analysing, and just meet him and SEE how you feel towards him.

[KikiW]

I was worried about the same thing. My SO isn't normally the kind of guy I swoon over (good looking, but not my usual "type"), but meeting him for the first time took care of all that. There was electricity, and we couldn't stop touching each other.

 

And he's everything I ever wanted in a man. He's patient without being a pushover, devoted without being a puppy, smart without being a know-it-all, driven to improve our lives without leaving me behind, and on a never-ending quest to make sure I am completely, totally and 150% satisfied in bed.

 

How could I not be in love?

[Eve]

Yes looks matter. I have had a difficult time recently explaining to my Hubby that I have gone off him since he cut all his gorgeous hair off and allowed himself to go grey.

 

I felt guilty for a while for feeling this way but dont anymore.

 

Attraction is vital.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Mrs_AJ]

hey guys,

 

thanks a bunch for your replies.

 

Thaddeus - you're absolutely right. Ive been looking forward to spend time with him in person for 11 months and this is what I want to concentrate on.

 

2sure - I like your chemistry theory. It is true. I mean Ive felt chemistry with this one really ackward kinda of guy in the past and even I didn't know how that happened. I think the scary thing is if there were to be no chemistry at all....but what are the chances of that, right? I mean Im already attracted to him now...but maybe Im just scared that I won't feel that "swept of my feet" kinda feeling. Actually I'm just gonna calm down on hoping for that. =)

 

Bayern - true. I dont know why I even asked my friends, but dont girls do that anyway?

 

Elswyth - Oh my!! Im really having the pre-meeting jitters. He just sat his final exam tday and called me from the runway. He's flying home first to pick up some stuff and sort things out. And I think I actually went quiet on him. I havent done that before, there was like this ackward silence. Like excitement mixed with nerves. Have u experienced that too?

 

KiKiW - you made me laugh. It's like you're describing my SO. I feel like he's all those things...without the bed bit. The bed bit we'll find out later. I mean as in post-marriage for me...

 

Eve - my sister in law said this to me too. Attraction is vital! She told me that when she have days in which she is ready to kill my brother off (I know - scary!) that attractive thing pulls her back. Kinda strange relationship they have maybe...

 

Guys I really want to know - what was it like? The first meeting between you and your SO? I mean for you guys who met your SO online?

 

Please share!!!!!!

 

And also, am I meant to plan what we'll be doing each day? We'll be in London, so just go with the flow or plan something for each day in case it gets ackward? He'll be here for 2 weeks. Woopwoop!

 

Thanks for sharing and reading,

 

Sally

[hoping2heal]

Well, I was instantly attracted to my current partner but, in the past there have been people I've cared about that I wasn't physically attracted to in the slightest; BUT that changed when their personality took a strong hold. Then I began to think they were attractive physically. So I don't know, I guess as long as what I needed to stimulate me mentally was there, bad hygiene aside I could become attracted to that person and their quirks made me attracted all the more.

[Els]

Elswyth - Oh my!! Im really having the pre-meeting jitters. He just sat his final exam tday and called me from the runway. He's flying home first to pick up some stuff and sort things out. And I think I actually went quiet on him. I havent done that before, there was like this ackward silence. Like excitement mixed with nerves. Have u experienced that too?

 

 

Definitely! Not only the first time, in fact.

 

Hope you two have a great time!

[Thornton]

On top of everything else I would need to consider (him or me moving, work, parents consent, etc etc) there's this one nagging thing that doesn't seem to leave me - looks.

All that other stuff is waay down the line, you shouldn't worry about it right now. It's probably easier solved than you imagine - the world is a pretty small place nowadays and moving isn't such a big deal. Put that on the back burner until you establish whether or not you and he actually want to take it to that level.

 

You see I started having feelings for him before I saw his pic. We were talking on the phone, chatting etc. I just felt a stong pull towards him. Then I saw his pic and thought - ok, nice, cute. I thought he looked nice.

 

I've then seen other pics of him and seen him on webcam and felt that sometimes I am attracted to him and find him good looking at times, at other times not as much. I went to the length of showing my close friends a pic of him and just see what they think. I mean I don't even really care what they think, it's just that I didn't sometimes know what I thought. I'm just worried that when we meet I may not find him as attractive as I would have wanted to. I'm not even sure what my type is. I mean does it matter? Do looks matter? I mean I'm considering a future with him, i.e.marriage, kids, a life together. So how much should looks matter in all that? Or is it attraction?

It's good that your relationship has a strong basis in friendship and good communication - those things outlast looks by a long way! Imo getting along with each other is far more important than finding each other attractive - obviously there has to be a certain level of attraction, but beyond that personality is the main thing. I think you need to take the stress off yourself - assume that you'll meet and have a great time as friends, and if anything develops beyond that it's a bonus. You already care about him and you desperately want to find him attractive - as long as he's not totally repulsive I think that personal connection will be enough to carry you through.

 

 

Do you guys think I'll know for sure once Ive met him in person?

Yes, I think you should reserve judgement until you meet him in person and spend some time with him. A lot of people look different in real life than they do in photos or on webcam. I met my bf online, and (same as you) I liked him a lot before I saw his photo. He sent me a few photos from when he was a bit heavier and his haircut wasn't great, and the webcam made him look seriously bad - the light in his room sort of highlighted all his features the wrong way. My friend saw his photos and said she didn't fancy him at all, then after she finally met him she had the hots for him

 

When I met him in person I was pleasantly surprised, and there were some things I hadn't anticipated, such as how muscular he actually was - that just didn't come across on webcam at all because he was always wearing a baggy sweater, I didn't realise until I hugged him how fit he was, or how nice he smelled. Plus people grow on you after you spend some time with them too.

 

What attracts you to your SO? Is it looks, personality, both?

Primarily personality - I was crazy about his personality long before I ever saw his face, and I'll still like his personality long after his looks have vanished with age. He looks attractive enough - I guess if he wasn't such a wonderful guy then I'd probably consider dating someone better looking, but the fact is that I won't find someone who I get along with better than him, so I'm willing to compromise on looks.

[Peanut9330]

Well looks matter to an extent, but I have to say that I dated guys before that weren’t my type but like most people say once I got to know them I started to feel an attraction towards them.

[Trialbyfire]

We have a lot in common, but we're different in character which seems to fit somehow. We laugh a lot, we've had arguments ( well really me arguing with him) and we've talked a lot about a future together. It's going well.

Since you're going to meet him in a little while, I would focus on these elements. WHEN you meet him, the sexual attraction will or won't be present.

[KikiW]

Guys I really want to know - what was it like? The first meeting between you and your SO? I mean for you guys who met your SO online?

 

Please share!!!!!!

 

 

YAY I GET TO SHARE!

 

I was absolutely terrified. I was the one who made the first move... flew to see him. Got a room at a hotel/casino about 30 minutes from where he lives, so if things didn't go well I could stay in the room and he could go home. I also told him I wanted to get to the hotel myself and have some time to freshen up before meeting him in the lounge (public place! and I didn't give him my room number until after we met face to face.)

 

I was so nervous I was shaking. Found out later he had taken an anti-anxiety pill and was on his 3rd drink by the time I made it to the lounge. Went right up to him, smiled... he got up from his barstool and I kissed him. He still talks about how that completely threw off his cool.

 

I will admit, I quickly scanned him... basic jeans, so-so "any guy" shirt, a little bit of a belly, thinner hair than I assumed through the pics, larger nose than I could tell from the pics, rough workman's hands... And any time my mind started to criticize, I sharply reminded myself why I had fallen for him. Not because he doesn't look like Brad Pitt (or insert hot guy name here). It's because of how he respects me, how hard he works to communicate and how he encourages me to communicate when I start to shut down (a trait I am still struggling to completely overcome). I look at his hands and think how wonderful it is that he is handy and not afraid of physical work. I look at his belly and then look at my own - can't judge there! I look at his hair or his nose, or an old acne scar and I think how it gives him character. I look into his eyes and I see how much he loves me.

 

It took more than a half hour for me to stop shaking (as well as a large dirty martini!), but the whole time I wanted to touch him. We held hands, or I put my hand on his forearm.

 

And yes, we made it back to my room that night and it was fantastic. The whole weekend was unforgettable. Feeling his hand at the small of my back while guiding me through the dining room. The look on his face when I made reservations at the japanese restaurant (it was apparently quite a surprise to him that I would take care of the reservations myself and not make him do it).

 

Bah, I could go on, but then I would just be mired in the memory and bore the hell out of everyone, LOL.

 

Short story is, yes, nervous is normal. And kiss him when you see him, it will make him lose his cool.

[Thornton]

Haha, nice story KikiW I met my bf online and we had an LDR for a while, so our first meeting was when I flew out to visit him. The airport security insisted on putting my laptop through the scanner and sending it on the conveyor belt to the exit, so I ran like hell through the airport because I was worried someone would snatch my laptop at the other end - I ran straight past my bf, who recognised me and started running after me! I grabbed my laptop when it emerged at the other end of the conveyor belt, at roughly the same time that my bf caught up with me, so I was all flustered and hot when he surprised me from behind. I thought he'd be waiting outside the airport, so turning around to see him behind me was a huge shock and I wasn't prepared for it. He then proceeded to place a styrofoam cup of coffee in my other hand - very thoughtful of him to buy it for me, but I now had two hands full and he had grabbed my suitcase, so there wasn't much hugging going on! We did an awkward sort of hug with no hands, and then I followed him outside to the car. I had such great plans of composing myself and walking out into the arrivals hall to meet him with a smile and a kiss, and it just didn't happen that way at all! After such a shaky start we were both nervous, and it took us a few hours to pull it together and actually have a kiss

[Mrs_AJ]

Hey guys, thanks for all your replies.

 

H2H - I agree. I've never really had any serious long term relationship, maybe more flings. There was this one guy that I would have found totally unattractive that I then happened to start liking because of his personality. But thing is- when things got sour I just didn't see how I had fancied him in the first place. Did that happen to you or would you still look at them the same way, even if things turned out to go badly? But then I suppose there could be a really good looking guy you like, instantly, do to looks....but then become uglified due to his personality. I've seen those too.

 

Elswyth - thanks a bunch hun. From hat I have understood both you and your guy are medic students - so are we!! Sucks sometimes due to stres and pressure of exams. I used to be really needy at first wanting to speak to him alot and not taking into account his scheduele. But then my own exams came along and I realised how stress of studies can overtake a lot of things.

 

Thornton - thank you so much for your reply. It really brightened my day.Is it just me or do girls tend to worry about all that stuff that REALLY should be way down the line? I just can't help it sometimes. Maybe also due to the fact that I;'ll be graduating next year and this is usually the time ppl start thinking about where to live, work etc. With us it's a little tricky due to career training being in two parts of the world, UK and the US. But Im sure you;'re right in the sense that the world is a small place and things can be managed.

I do care about him a lot and he is a close friend too. So yes, I've actually stopped stressing about it. And I love the way you describe those little things you couldn't notice on the webcam like the way he smells or what hugging him actually feels like. Explore your sense hey ! That must have taken you to a whole new level. Also it's interesting how your friend find him hot once she met him. I suppose pics and webcams can never capture someone exactly as they are, meaning things like the way he walks, his posture, how tall he is, the way he feels etc. GOSH!! I'm sooo excited now!

And the way you ran past him - hahaha - classic! It's sounds like a romantic comedy!

Peanut9330 - agree. That's happened to me in the past too. I think I just want to feel attracted to him the way he feels towards me. He's an average good looker I would say and that's obviously by my scale. I never found him not to be, but I guess I wanted that "Ahhh" feeling. Maybe I will find it to be so when we meet.

 

Trialbyfire - Will do so. I'll concentrate on why we're so great together. I can't wait to see him!

 

KikiW _ wooow. How did you do that? I don't know if I can muster up the courage to kiss him - I think I'd be too nervous to do so. How did you even steady yourself when walking up to him? I mean I take it you were very nervous since you were shaking...

 

7 days to go. Woopwooop!

 

Hugs all around,

S

[KikiW]

KikiW _ wooow. How did you do that? I don't know if I can muster up the courage to kiss him - I think I'd be too nervous to do so. How did you even steady yourself when walking up to him? I mean I take it you were very nervous since you were shaking...

 

I do not do this kind of thing. EVER. I am in the process of leaving a 15 year relationship (with a very nice man, we are extremely amicable, just not meant to be married - PS: HE was the one who said I should kiss him when I first see him LOL), and I do not fly 1200 miles to meet up with some guy I met through World of Warcraft haha. So I knew that if I was willing to do this, it HAD to be something special.

 

And trust me, there was a moment when i was reaching for the door handle that I paused and was like "OMG what am I doing?" and a second later I'm like "you're meeting a wonderful person, so stop being a p*ssy about it!".

 

I walked into the lounge and saw him sitting at the opposite side of the bar. Walked in and didn't let myself stop until I was right there in front of him and couldn't run away. I could see the recognition cross his face and he got up rather quickly... he went for a hug and I just went for the kiss.

 

It was not the most romantic kiss ever, I will admit, but it disarmed him. I was glad I did, because looking back on it, he was trying so hard to "be cool"... he took off his glasses, he kind of had this side-lean going when I walked in. At the time I thought "how can he possibly be this calm??? I am shaking like a leaf!!!" and he later admitted the drinks and anti-anxiety pill HAHA. He also later admitted that because he wasn't wearing his glasses he panicked when I first came up to him because for a moment he thought how bad it would look if I walked in while he was talking to this smokin' hot woman who just came up to him at the bar.

 

Smooth talker

 

I thought about it this way... he and I had had some pretty hot and heavy discussions before we met face to face. I thought how awkward it would be to walk up and shake hands when we'd discussed some pretty intimate details.

 

If you're not comfortable with a full on lip-kiss, at least give him one on the cheek?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

When studying relationships or potential relationships, you could graph physical attractiveness combined with how well two people know one another, and as two people become more familiar with one another, "looks" matter less and less on a steady progression.

[Tayla]

When studying relationships or potential relationships, you could graph physical attractiveness combined with how well two people know one another, and as two people become more familiar with one another, "looks" matter less and less on a steady progression.

 

Thank you for posting that! How true it is. So sometimes it that charm, the little quirks that make them unique that can be appealing. So if that is looks then so be it. Not a great fan of Trophies, so looks aren't really the deal maker or breaker UNLESS they cant see past their nose.