Is this really it?

[oldes21]

Where to start... Ever since i was a baby i never had many friends and the friends i had didnt seem to care and i would end up hurting them in some way. so i chose not to have friends years went by. then in 2005 i watched my grandfather die in front of me due to lung cancer. i dove into a deep depression, i refused to get out of bed i ate very little and did not shower for months. my parents loved me and sent me to a wilderness therapy program, which i was there for 4 months. i learned alot and i was better for time. in 2006 i was slipping again. but i also met someone who astounded me. Kelley Crowe.

She was the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring, loving, amazing person i had ever met. a few months later my grades continued to fall and i was moved to a special education school in boulder, co. i hated and. i got worse. my father called an army recruiter and got me to talk to him. i remember thinking "this might be what god wanted me to do" so i joined the army.

i shipped to Fort Knox, KY on Jan 25, 2007 where i was in OSUT for 4-5 months, I graduated in the Honor Platoon and developed a sense of brotherhood but again it was shortlived we all split up to our seperate duty stations. i went to Fort Hood, TX. I remember how much fun i had do our training mission, firing the tank rounds downrange. driving over trees. it was euphoric. then one night my roommate invited me to a beer pong tournament. later that night the M.P.s showed up for a domestic violence call. i was 17 and extremely intoxicated so my unit called my sergeant he was not pleased and told me to be at the company HQ at 7am on saturday. i knew i was in big trouble so i remember telling my roommate "watch me get out of this"

i locked myself in the bathroom and waited and told my roommate to call the cops. they came eventually and everyone was yelling trying to get into the steel door. i started having an anxiety attack and began cutting myself with the knife i had brought in. 30 min later they broke and and took me to the hospital. i was then admitted to a civilian mental health hospital where i made no coping skills but was prescribed Xanax. a few weeks later i went to my friends but before i left i took my xanax like i was supposed to 2 times a day. well we got drunk and high. i was trashed i managed to stumble back to my barracks and layed down in my bed. i remember tossing and turning not being able to sleep and i was getting more upset.

so i called the cops again. and began cutting. this time i was admitted to the military mental health. i spent a few weeks there and got alot better. i was released a little after my 18th birthday. the 2 rear duty sergeants picked me up since my unit went to NTC training in California. the sergeants never liked me once im not sure why but they took me back to my barracks and told me to take everything out of the room piece by piece to check for wepaons and hazards i began doing it. then they began harrassing me. telling me i was a ****up, i was worthless, ill never make it anywhere. they hit me deep and hard. i grabbed my empty everclear bottle i had and shattered it and held it to my neck. i told them to **** off and they began to call the M.P.s i was cornered and adrenaline was pumping i had no where to go. so i gripped the bottle tighter. and they continued to harrass me saying i won't do it im too much of a pussy i couldnt do anything. i drove the bottle deep into my neck. i remember feeling a warm sticky wetness all over my shoulder and arm and looked to see blood pouring out. i slowly went to the floor and remember one of the sergeants freaking out saying "son of a bitch" and got behind me and came to the floor. then the other sergeant finished his call telling what had happened and tore one of my shirts and pressed it to my neck. it felt like i was being choked. and i began squirming irradically. the medics eventually came and all i remember about the ride to the ER was saying "i just wanted to see my mother". (genetic mother) over and over.

i then remember waking up in critical care with an unbelieveable amount of pain i could not move at all. well my mother came a few weeks later i finally met her and ended up coming to live with her for 5 months until i got into a fight with her husband. i was homeless so i fell back to saying i was suicidal. and went to the Oklahoma City Crisis Center. while i was there my adopted father told me of a brother and sister i never knew i had. so i went to live with them in Tulsa, OK for 4 months i worked a little and got into a fight with my brother. i left the house and was homesless for 4 more months. Eventually i got accepted into the Job Corps program. so i went there i got out in 4 months with my CNA Certification in Record Time. I remember the whole time i was there i was thinking about Kelley.

i firmly believe i had fallen in love with her. so when i left i came straight back to Louisville, CO to live near her. over time i became her best friend. but i still loved her, she didnt feel the same about me though. eventually i started having panic attacks after i lost the job i had. she was always there for me. everytime. i never felt so cared for. but she had a horrible boyfriend who made her cry. it filled me with rage and hate. and i started having anxiety attacks for her to spend more time with me thinking i was losing her. Everytime i saw i couldnt help but smile. then one night i couldnt take it. she had just gotten her wisdom teeth pulled and i was spending the whole day with her to try and comfort her. we went to her aunts house. and then Curtis came. he started kissing her on the cheek and head. and rubbing on her then he got under the same blanket. i was infuriated.

i remembered complaining about having hip pains. so i exaggerated it and told her i was going to the ER it was hurting too bad. which i did. i was given Oxycodones. weeks later. she was still with curtis even though he was making her cry and stress. i flipped out big time. i started overdosing on Oxycodones. i remember telling her my location if she would come alone. well she brought curtis. i was so hurt i finished the oxycodones and ran. i eventually got my phone in the hospital and apologized for hurting her the way i did. i never felt so bad and stupid. i was an idiot. and all she told me was i need to get help. i felt like she was getting rid of me so i did the only thing i could think of. i agreed to get help. and i thought about everything and figured out the causes of anxiety.

i learned copings skills and was released. she was mad i was released so soon. but i was doing better. until the night of August 4, 09'. i felt like when we were hanging out and she dropped me off a little bit later she didnt want to be around me. so i told her i need her to come talk to me. and when she said she couldnt i started having a panic attack.. eventually it turned into depression. i knew she wasnt going to come and she started hurting me. so i did the only thing i knew to do. retaliate. and i ruined the friendship with the most amazing girl i had ever met. its the 5th now and still no text. i went to my parents house and stole dad's sidearm. the only reason im not dead yet, is because im hoping. praying she might text or call. but i doubt she will... God I loved her...

First love and the only love

.I've always tried to do things for other people. and all i ever wanted was a little bit of love back. kelley was giving me that. Until i ruined things with the constant anxiety attacks and depression i didnt see what i was doing to her. The honest truth was ive always hated being a guy... everything about it. i always would dream about waking up and miraculously changing but only fairy tales. until i met her. she was really the only one that ever made my heart feel the way it did. but now shes rejected me the same horrible way everyone i know has. slowly pushing me away and not saying anything. Ive Been getting counseling and help since i was 7 and its just getting worse. i wake up in nightmares of Graphic, morbid dreams filled with death. all i think about is all the ways i can die. but if i tell people the way i feel i will be institutionalized and thats a no-go. the sick irony is i have never not once been able to picture or imagine myself growing old... getting married.. raising kids... nothing. and its becoming more and more true... i dont know why im posting this. it might be for sympathy. it might be my final cry for help. but this cant keep going on.

[laRubiaBonita]

no- this can't keep going on. and yes- if you need help check your self into a hospital where, if nothing else, they can keep you alive.

 

just because you have made some mistakes thay do not define you- i would hope you have learned from them.

 

leave the past in the past- you cannot change those things but you can use them to propel you forward... unless you want to go back to how you were.

 

have you thought about this- why would someone want to get close to a person that may not be around?

 

why would someone want to to put themselves in a position to be blamed for your problems? you had issues before, it's not her.

[akazid]

I'll just share what I see from my persepctive and what I'd do. My advice may be totally off and poor but it may be good to see a different persective.

 

Here's some things I've noticed:

1.) When you say you're going to do something you're bound to carry out your work. It looks like you do this a lot in emotional / stressfull situations. I see you as someone who has a ton of guts.

2.) You have gone through a ton of things and have a lot of stories and experiences to tell.

3.) I've never experienced that "sense of brotherhood" but the experience, based on how you described it, sounds amazing. What I've learned in my life is that it is 80% hard work and 20% play.

4.) DO NOT prove to others what you are capable of by carrying out deeds that hurt YOU. Stay away from such people or just smile and say "OK". These people are a parasite in your life. Leave it at that, your personal health and sanity is more important to YOU than to THEM.

 

Here's a quote a find useful. Read it a few times.

 

"To hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart - that's true strength."

 

Hold it together, move forward, and don't look back at the past as laRubiaBonita said. Use the past to learn what you WANT and do NOT want. Develop what you want in the future.