I'm going out of my mind

[LuckyCharm]

My Husband and I have been married for over 2 years and have a baby girl.

I know my Husband loves me very much but I think it's one of those marriages that when the woman is not so happy and the Husband finds out he's all like "I don't understand we had the perfect marriage.."

 

Since I've known him he's always been in debt, he'll take loan after loan...

I taught him alot about the value of money and see he's changed a bit but till now I'm still afraid to get a credit card out of fear he'll get us in debt again (we have our debt in another country).

 

Just a bit of backround:

2 months before we got married I decided to check his icq history thinking I don't have the right to invade into his privacy but if something is going on between him and his ex I have the right to know before I marry him..(reason i had a feeling is because when I asked him about this topic related to his ex he was always changing the story on me).

Well, I found out he had phone sex with her just a week after we became a couple and that he asked her what she's doing tomorrow cause he wants to take her to the beach to have sex.

It was never clear to me if he did have sex with her but on the history message the next day between them he said "You were amazing yesterday."

I confronted him about it and he said he didn't meet with her in the end they just ended up having pone sex.

There was also some messaged between them when we were almost 6 months together and her telling him she's horny and needs a guy and him replying how badly he wants to have sex with her but he can't cause he has a gf (ummm yeah me:mad: ).

I confronted him about that too and he told me a little bit more than what I even asked feeling he needs to confess everything before we marry but he still said that while he was with me he didn't go and sleep with his ex.

 

I forgave him and we married 2 months later and trouble still keeps following...

We didn't have much money for a honeymoon and were just talking about where we'd like to go and all the sudden he asked me if his beast friend can come along I said no...

Even after we got married he got us into so much debt the bank canceled our credit card, he took out more loans even when I said no I felt pressured to sign for a loan cause he would just get mad.

It got to really worse points where we didn't have enough money to eat and he'd be running to his mom and dad for money.

 

He says he now looks back and regrets all those loans he took yet he keeps asking me if we can take out another loan for him to go study!

I told him no, and that for once in his life he's gonna have to save up for something.

I have suggested having separate bank accounts but he gets so mad just hearing it.

Plus he's not working, he's home with the baby. he got his green card last month but is so picky about finding a job, he says he's only gonna work in photography. and it's not the first time he's been picky about working, he'd rather play video games...Now, I understand and encourage him to get his dream job as a photographer but till then we needs to find any work he can to support his family...it's really been affecting the baby, she misses me so much sometimes she only wants me to hold her and comfort her.

So being a stay at home mom is not an option for me till my Husband gets his act together.

 

I have thought of leaving him so many times, I do love him but it just doesn't feel right. I keep on thinking about what I found on his Icq history and maybe he was telling me the truth but it still bothers me till this day (and yes I know it's my own fault for marrying in this situation but we can't turn time back).

On top of that I think I still might have feelings for an ex of mine...we haven't talked in years and last time I saw him (in 2004) I didn't see him in the attractive way I used to see him but lately I have been thinking of him alot and I found out he has facebook, i wasn't looking for him i saw him on my brothers friend's page..I do wonder how he's doing but adding him just doesn't seem like a good idea cause I don't want to open a door I won't be able to close, no matter how bad things are I won't cheat on my Husband.

 

Any suggestions what I can do to improve my marriage and forget about the ex?

[mark982]

your husbands going to have to start being a man,instead of a little kid. by you bending down,every time he throws a fit about money your enabling him to keep it up.your going to have to det a date for him to look/get a job! not many of us on here have our "dream job",but we do what we do to make the ends meet.and for gods sake seperate your accts no matter how much he whines.christ he's going to put you in the poor house.not sure about the ex though,that's something that you gotta figure out,but i do think that your husbands actions are driving you to think about him.

[Liquid9898]

It seems like you've married a immature, jobless, cheating man. A husband can't get much worse than that, can it?

 

Are you making sure he is not cheating on you while you're gone all day long at work? Are you sure he is not inviting ex-girlfriends, random girls from internet or supermaket to your house while you're at work?

[Vet]

You need to take some ownership of this situation, not only for yourself, but most importantly for your child. You need to face the facts: your husband is bad with money, and on top of that, is not bringing in any of his own. Right now he is a drain on you, and he isn't taking care of the baby if she only wants you. Normally, babies form attachments that go beyond maternal instincts, so if he's at home all day long with her and he can't calm her down without you, it sounds like he's neglecting her. Do you know how she's taken care of when you're gone? Is she laid in a crib and left alone? Does he interact with her or is he playing video games all day?

 

He sounds like he is very immature, so you're going to have to make it real for him. He's going to have to get ultimatums from you. First, no more loans, period. You aren't going to sign for anymore, and if he takes out any without you, you're leaving. That's non-negotiable. Also, he's not going to spend any money on anything that hasn't been discussed and agreed upon by both of you beforehand. You didn't say if this was a problem, but from my experience, it usually is. He's not just bad with taking out loans, right?

 

Second, he gets a job within the week, any job. If he doesn't, you're filing divorce papers (and follow through, it can be used as a tool to show him that you're serious). A McJob, car wash, construction, anything that brings money in. Dream jobs are great, but they're a luxury you can afford to seek and hold out for when you're single and childless. He's neither. If he wants to work in photography, he's going to have to work at it (it is a ridiculously competitive field). Everyone wants to be a photographer; the ones that make it are the ones that are always taking pictures, refining their craft, building their portfolio, sending their stuff off to be published in photo journals, getting gigs, etc. You don't just walk into a job as a photographer. If it's something he actually has the drive to do, then it's one of those things that you can do in your off-time very easily while holding another job. That's actually how most professional photographers that haven't "made it" work. They have weekend gigs for weddings and other events. He must bring in some money in the meantime however. You're going to have to realize that you aren't going to get to stay home with the baby either. That's another luxury you cannot afford right now. You're going to have to find a place for her to go during the day, whether that be childcare or a relative.

 

Third, if he even chats with any women online, you're gone. He needs to know that you aren't going to work all day for your family to have him sit at home cheating on you emotionally or physically (phone sex or otherwise). You should express to him that he shouldn't even have any time to do this, as he should be working his ass off for his family to get you guys out of this.

 

The blame in this situation is shared between you both. He's taking advantage of you, but you're also letting it happen. Stand up for yourself and your baby, because she deserves more. Stick to your guns, and don't let him take an inch. As to the ex you've been thinking about, you've got the right attitude--don't add him on any social networking sites or contact him. It will only bring trouble and additional pressure. You've got the upper hand in this situation by having the moral ground. Once you cheat (or even the appearance of impropriety), you've lost your position. Don't worry about it; you'll forget about the ex once the problems at home are resolved.

 

Bottom line: STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. He is a parasite on you right now, so cutting him out won't be financially difficult. He needs to know that he's dispensable if he doesn't shape up. This is the only way you're going to fix your marriage.

[LuckyCharm]

Thanks for the replies guys!

The only time he plays video game is when the baby is sleeping.

He does take care of her pretty well, he makes sure she eats healthy, naps, and plays with her. she's just very attached to me cause she misses me so much.

 

I'm pretty sure he's not inviting women over to the house, we're in a different country and he's cut off contact with the ex he had phone sex with.

I do check the history box every now and then but I find nothing...but he does know how to erase the history...so I have gone so far as even checking one of his email and never find any letters from girls or online dating sites, I even checked his facebook inbox with messages from girls but it was only your usual "hi whats up.." and mentioned that he's married and has a baby.

 

he is looking for jobs but mostly photography. he did work as a photographer back in his country and he is very good and trying to build up his portfolio but I did ask him to find any job he can find right now.

 

As for the ex, I do get tempted to send him a message just to ask how he's doing but I remember calling him years ago and suggested we'd keep in touch but he never did so I do fear of getting rejected (not in any romantic way) that he might not even reply to a simple message. plus like I said I don't want to open a door I cannot close...it's just getting harder cause I think about him every day more and more

[asireen]

Marrying this guy was a mistake. You had all the signs, but went ahead anyway. Now you have a child together. Suck it up and try to stay together for the sake of the child. When the child is 18, you can go your way.

[LuckyCharm]

That's what I'm doing, trying to make it work.

He just went job hunting today and maybe 3 hours later he got a call from Picture People in the mall for a job interview so I hope things are looking up.