how to respond with wit and still seem sweet?

[confusedcookie]

so i'm trying the online dating thing, yay yay, lol

 

anythings, i'm talking to this guy through email and he said something that irked me.

 

he goes,"i'm busy this weekend, but i have some free time next week, and i'd like to continue our conversation over coffee face to face"

 

am i over analyzing things, or what irks me is the fact that he never asked:

 

a) if i had free time next week, he did, but he never asked if i did

b) if i wanted to meet face to face, maybe i wasn't comfortable until meeting later on

c) if i wanted to grab coffee, maybe i wanted drinks instead

 

so i do want to meet this guy, but what would be a good response? should i address this issue? i kinda wanted to make sort of like a joke, but this get my point across? should i postpone the meeting till next next week, when "i'm free"?

 

i know what bothers me now, he never asked me in question form if i wanted to go out, he just made a statement and assumed that i was free next week to meet him for coffee

[Starshine Black]

Tell him he's a pretentious dolt.

 

 

...Because he is.

[Trimmer]

Wow, maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I don't read a bit of arrogance or pretensiousness in what he said. I could imagine saying something like that myself...

 

If I said it, it would translate as:

 

I'm interested in you and I'd like to meet you in person (a compliment, no?)

 

I'm interested enough that I would suggest this weekend, if I weren't already tied up

 

So I will make some time next week...

 

and that's an opening statment in an attempt to start a discussion. All of the following:

 

a) if i had free time next week, he did, but he never asked if i did

b) if i wanted to meet face to face, maybe i wasn't comfortable until meeting later on

c) if i wanted to grab coffee, maybe i wanted drinks instead

...are fair game for discussion, and that's where you respond, charmingly suggesting whatever works for you.

 

So I know it wasn't stated as an explicit question, but you two are already talking to each other, you say yourself that you are interested in meeting him, and the point of the online thing is to explore possible connections, progressing to in-person meetings, so that's an implicit part of the process, no?

 

Of course, nobody can tell you how you "should feel," but can't you read his words as a compliment? I'm interested in you, and would like to meet you soon. I think the questions are implicit, but obvious. It's not like he booked a table on a particular night and just said: "be there." His statement begs a response; it asks the question: what do you think of that idea? It's an invitation to a discussion.

 

It's such a fine line... We guys hear that women want us to take the initiative, that confidence is attractive. I just don't see his statement as arrogant or offensive. I see it as confident and complimentary. But again, I'm a guy... I'll be interested to hear other opinions, and it will help me when I'm in the position of suggesting getting together.

[confusedcookie]

it's funny why i got this weird vibe from the post, so i looked through my other emails with other guys, and all of them stated a questions, like, "hey, if you're not busy this weekend, would you like to grab a drink?"

 

i think that because i've only known him through emails and maybe only a handful, so we're still on pretty new ground, and therefore, he shouldn't have assumed anything, he should have made it more of an invitation rather than being too assertive i think.

 

like the way he said that he was busy this weekend, well, he really didn't need to tell me that, he could have just said, are you busy during the week? wanna grab a coffee?

 

i think that depending on the degree of how well you know the person, your invitation would range from formal to informal right?

 

strangers: would you... (i expected this)

friends: you wanna... /let's...

close bf/gf/spouse: let's... / we're going (i kinda got this)

 

he gave me the impression that he was mr. i'm too good for you, and i'm super busy, but i can take out some time for you next time for coffee. also, because i didn't put up a picture, so maybe he was thinking i was super ugly or something, so he said something about, "don't worry about sending me a picture first"

 

like the whole general impression i got was that he seemed arrogant

 

but then again, i'm a girl, and maybe i'm over thinking it right =)

[redhighheels]

The bit about his busy schedule is a bit arrogant. Apparently, you're a lucky gal that he can squeeze you in next week. Meh.

 

The coffee part didn't help either. He could have said "coffee or maybe drinks", so having done my share of online dating, this is the part where my cheapness radar goes off. But maybe he's just nervous and deserves the benefit of the doubt. You can suggest drinks and see how he reacts.

 

Truth is, until you two actually meet, you won't know for sure if he's arrogant or not. All this back and forth online messaging can be interpreted in so many ways, I wouldn't even waste my time thinking about it. After the meet, well that's another story.

[Hkizzle]

Lol, you're reading way too much into it. What's the big deal?

 

1) if you don't have free time, tell him

2) He wants to meet face to face, what's wrong? If you don't want it, tell him

3) Coffee is a nice way of saying, no alcohol involved. Some girls don't want alcohol. If you want drinks............tell him.

 

What would you rather he say?

 

"i'm busy this weekend, but i have some free time next week, do you have time next week? Plus I'd like to continue our conversation over coffee or alcohol face to face, unless you're not comfortable in which case we'll continue to chat here"

 

Then you'll say he's long winded and annoying.........

[utterer of lies]

i know what bothers me now, he never asked me in question form if i wanted to go out, he just made a statement and assumed that i was free next week to meet him for coffee

 

Yeah, how dare he, given that you met on a dating site and you continue to answer his emails...

[Hkizzle]

What I find weird is. Women are really bad at spotting if a guy is indeed a jerk or not, but very some are very picky about mannerisms, and wording of sentences. I'm not saying it's just you cookies, there's a lot of women that do that.

[confusedcookie]

hhaha thanks guys, then maybe i was just being paranoid =)

 

i think its because we are corresponding solely through email so it's the only thing i have to judge him are his mannerisms and words. if it was in person, that aspect wouldn't be as important because there are so many more things to care and the overall general impression...

 

also, i didn't get a particularly good vibe on another person, and i went out with him, and it turned out to be the date from hell, utter hell, so i guess you could say i'm more cautious now lol

[Island Girl]

I don't get that impression of him at all.

 

I took that he was a MAN, being assertive, and taking change not stating he is available anytime YOU are. And maybe he isn't.

 

If I were you, I'd respond in kind and say "Wednesday evening would work out great for cocktails. Are you available then?"

 

But then again I am assertive myself and I don't read into or over think things like this because I know it really is not that big of a deal.

[Intergalactic]

i didn't think what he said was bad at all. he just seemed like he was letting you know he was interested in you and when he had free time, and being a bit more forward than "um hey.... would you maybe like to grab a drink if you're free sometime?". i actually thought his message was pretty sexy, in that he was making a point of saying he wanted to meet you face to face because he obviously liked the way the conversation was going between you two. he obviously knows what he wants and is going for it, what's wrong with that? i think you may be assuming too much, i don't think he was trying to be arrogant or assuming you had nothing better to do than meet him.

[leap83]

I don't think what he said was arrogant.

 

"i'm busy this weekend, but i have some free time next week, and i'd like to continue our conversation over coffee face to face"

 

I think "I'd like to" are the key words in this sentence. He didn't say "I think we should" or anything similar to that. So, he's fairly confident that you'll say "yes" (some guys are confident like that and that might be a good thing - you won't have to worry about insecurities and stuff).

 

I did the online dating thing too. The guy I went out with asked me out almost the same way as this guy and he turned out to be the most incredible human being I have met. I'm not saying this guy will turn out to be that... But yeah. Haha.

 

What website are you using (if you don't mind me asking)?

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow this one is simple - just write back, very sweetly - wow I would love to but unfortunately I'm booked solid next week.

 

Trust me next time he'll ask your availability first!

[2sure]

I like a man that just puts it out there. He didnt say - Tuesday, 2:00 , be There!! He left it open for you to make an offer. Seems polite.

 

I also like that he took the initiative to say yes, I like you enough and feel comfortable enough at this point to continue this conversation face to face. He is saying OK, lets stop wasting both of our time on line exchanging more communication and find out if there is any chemistry. And the best , quickest, and least uncomfortable way to do that is over a quick cup of coffee..not a date.

 

He is a grown man. This is how its done.

[carhill]

OP, just go have coffee with him. An hour of your time. You've probably already spent more time than that just analyzing this. IslandGirl is spot-on, IMO.

 

If he's a dolt, enjoy the latte and move on to the next one. Might want to stick to decaf if there are a lot of them

[Thaddeus]

I took that he was a MAN, being assertive, and taking change (I'm assuming that IG means "taking charge") not stating he is available anytime YOU are.

I like a man that just puts it out there... He is a grown man. This is how its done.

IG and 2sure have it spot-on.

 

There's no hidden meaning, there's no assumption being made, it's not arrogant or disrespectful. He said exactly what he means: "i'd like to continue our conversation over coffee face to face."

 

But if you're going to constantly second-guess him every time he says something and analyze his words for hidden meanings, well, maybe you aren't ready to date.

 

Just sayin...

[curiousnycgirl]

He is a grown man. This is how its done.

 

Actually I don't agree with this - especially when meeting online. Many people are very cautious when meeting online, due to the few psycho stories out there. Personally I believe in meeting in real time as quickly as possible - but not everyone shares this opinion.

 

I think this guy could have handled the invitation a little more respectfully and delicately - but I also believe we are making a mountain out of a molehill on this one.

[monkey00]

It sounds to me like he's taking an assertive stance. Although I have to admit it does sound a little inconsiderate that he said that bluntly straight up with no hinting of it prior.

 

Although it appears assertive, he's taking a passive role by opening his week to you without specifying which day. So essentially the ball is in your court because you would be saying what day to meet up.

[Trimmer]

It sounds to me like he's taking an assertive stance. Although I have to admit it does sound a little inconsiderate that he said that bluntly straight up with no hinting of it prior.

I don't know - this is a dating site. Why are we here? Is that a secret that we have to bring up carefully?

 

Although it appears assertive, he's taking a passive role by opening his week to you without specifying which day. So essentially the ball is in your court because you would be saying what day to meet up.

So which is it, is he "taking an assertive stance," or is he "taking a passive role?" I don't think you can characterize it as all one or the other; that's why I find it a good balance of assertive but not arrogant... He's putting a solid proposal out there, but it includes flexibility, and puts the flexibility in her court; that makes it contain the implicit question: what do you think?

 

Again, I think it's an invitation to a discussion of what could come next.

 

And the comment about coffee seeming cheap - that's just a minefield for a guy, because "drinks" could be seen as moving too fast or arrogant itself.

 

He's trying to have a discussion. Engage him in that discussion and tell him how you feel and what does and does not work for you.

 

I think this guy could have handled the invitation a little more respectfully and delicately...

Where is there a lack of respect here? I think that's a little over the top. Direct, yes. Assertive, yes. And if those characteristics don't work for you, I understand, and you are certainly entitled to move on. But disrespectful? I just don't see it.

 

Wow this one is simple - just write back, very sweetly - wow I would love to but unfortunately I'm booked solid next week.

 

Trust me next time he'll ask your availability first!

Please - none of this "play a communication game to manipulate him to act differently" stuff... Decide whether it works for you or not and move forward accordingly - as yourself, not a character acting a part.

 

Right now, you've got a guy who tells you clearly how he feels, takes the initiative to make a suggestion what you could do together, but also engages you in a dicsussion and specifically leaves you the flexibility to talk about what works for you. Uhhhh.... what about that do you want to change?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Don't have so many expectations on how it's going to look. Remember - FLEXIBLE. That was just his opening. You could respond back by letting him know when YOUR free time is. If you're not comfortable meeting in person, yet, then say so. About the drinks v coffee thing...um, really unimportant. A guy could ask me to meet him over wheatgrass juice and I don't care. What's important is the CONVERSATION and the CONNECTION - not what's in the glass in front of you.

[New Again]

In general my response to this is the exact same as Trimmer's. In fact, when I read the OP I kinda thought huh? What's the problem?

 

But, the more I think about it, the more I think your interpretation of that message might have something to do with a general feeling you got about him from other emails or something? That, combined with your experience with how other guys asked you out online.

 

So overall, based solely on the OP....I don't get why you're so offended that a guy let you know he's interested and asked you out. In fact, I kinda like that he wasn't a weenie about it!

 

Good luck whatever you decide. If you end up meeting him I'd be interested if you still think he's an arrogant butthole.

Wow, maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I don't read a bit of arrogance or pretensiousness in what he said. I could imagine saying something like that myself...

 

If I said it, it would translate as:

 

I'm interested in you and I'd like to meet you in person (a compliment, no?)

 

I'm interested enough that I would suggest this weekend, if I weren't already tied up

 

So I will make some time next week...

 

and that's an opening statment in an attempt to start a discussion. All of the following:

 

 

...are fair game for discussion, and that's where you respond, charmingly suggesting whatever works for you.

 

So I know it wasn't stated as an explicit question, but you two are already talking to each other, you say yourself that you are interested in meeting him, and the point of the online thing is to explore possible connections, progressing to in-person meetings, so that's an implicit part of the process, no?

 

Of course, nobody can tell you how you "should feel," but can't you read his words as a compliment? I'm interested in you, and would like to meet you soon. I think the questions are implicit, but obvious. It's not like he booked a table on a particular night and just said: "be there." His statement begs a response; it asks the question: what do you think of that idea? It's an invitation to a discussion.

 

It's such a fine line... We guys hear that women want us to take the initiative, that confidence is attractive. I just don't see his statement as arrogant or offensive. I see it as confident and complimentary. But again, I'm a guy... I'll be interested to hear other opinions, and it will help me when I'm in the position of suggesting getting together.

[hitzpink]

Man, this poor guy, getting put through the wringer for merely suggesting you two meet up for coffee next week! He wasn't being rude or arrogant, he was telling you he's interested in seeing you in person & suggesting a casual date! Would you rather go back & forth in 14 different emails discussing when each of you is free, what exactly you want to do, etc? He was just taking initiative. As for why he said coffee instead of cocktails, well maybe he doesn't drink, or even if he does a lot of people are wary about drinking on the first date. I dont see what the big deal is here! And I don't think you should respond with wit... if you want to meet up with him next week say "That sounds great, coffee on Tuesday works for me!" or if you'd rather do something besides get coffee, say "Next week is great, would you like to go for drinks on Wednesday?"

 

I'm honestly shocked that some people think he needed to be more "delicate" or "respectful"! What is disrespectful about telling her he'd like to meet up for coffee sometime?!

[confusedcookie]

haha, alrighty o's

 

it's true, with the combined of all the emails, there is something i don't like but can't pinpoint. it could be the fact that i don't have my picture up so he seems to give me the vibe that he thinks he's "better" than me, therefore he has the upperhand, but yes, i'll go out for coffee and see what happens.

 

ahaha, i'll keep you guys posted =)

[crew]

he said "I'd like to" the question is implied. He didn't say "we are having coffee".

[Thornton]

 

anythings, i'm talking to this guy through email and he said something that irked me.

 

he goes,"i'm busy this weekend, but i have some free time next week, and i'd like to continue our conversation over coffee face to face"

 

am i over analyzing things, or what irks me is the fact that he never asked:

 

a) if i had free time next week, he did, but he never asked if i did

b) if i wanted to meet face to face, maybe i wasn't comfortable until meeting later on

c) if i wanted to grab coffee, maybe i wanted drinks instead

 

 

You're over-analysing way too much - I don't actually see what's wrong with what he said. Someone says to you "I'm kinda busy this weekend but I'd really like to continue this over coffee next week", and you say "Yeah that would be great", or "Sorry, I can't make it next week, can we make it next weekend instead?", or "How about we meet for cocktails instead?" But if I said that to someone, I wouldn't expect them to respond with "OMG you're so rude for saying you'd like to see me, you didn't even consider whether I want to see you". The guy made a suggestion - if you don't want to go along with his suggestion, just say so! Maybe there's something about this guy that bothers you a bit, so you're looking for excuses to pull him apart - whatever is tripping your radar, it shouldn't be this perfectly innocent statement that he'd like to see you.