2sunny Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 hi all, i rarely find a man i am interested in dating. this new guy seems great, hard worker, busy with outside activities, wants to see me without infringing on my own busy schedule. i've corresponded by email, text, phone and then we met last week. we had a great time. something just seems to be lingering in my gut though. my gut says he's married. i don't date married men. i'm on the west coast, he arrived here from Chicago 9 months ago for work. at the time it was to be temporary - but soon became apparent that he would stay indefinitely. he lives from a hotel (for now). his ex wife and kids are in Chicago - he says... and sees the teenage kids once a month. in my opinion - how can he parent once a month - and he says he talks with them on the phone once a week. our email and text and phone correspondence seems to only be mid to late evening. he said he's in New York right now to help his parents for two weeks. this may or may not be true as well. i am really wondering if i should even take a risk and see him again, or if i just follow my gut and cut off the correspondence. here is the response i got after i sent a message stating that i thought he may be married and asking for an honest answer: To answer your question, no, I am not married. Earlier this year, someone asked me the same question. At that time I was really suprised, but I realize now why you would think that. I travel a lot, and I am not yet settled here. So, it could be a logical conclusion. If you are not comfortable with my answer, I understand - it is way to early to assume you can go off anything more than a gut feel. again, it's raining here - which sucks, because it is such a great city to walk in. So much to see, and people watching is unparalleled. Anyway, if you don't feel comfortable with this, I understand. I enjoyed our date. Let me know either way. what do you all think? any objective perspective is appreciated.
norajane Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Ask to see his divorce papers. That should settle it for sure.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I thought in most states, divorce papers were public record? Like if you know what county his "ex" is in - contact the court clerk and find out if there's a way to see them.
Author 2sunny Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 i don't yet know his last name. all of our correspondence hasn't really given me any clue as to his last name. his email address doesn't give me anything to work with either as it refers to the sport he loves. just more reason to believe that this is a second or third choice email address that he's using. he was gone to New York last weekend and now gone again for two more weeks after only being here for two days. i don't know why but something doesn't add up. would a 50 year old man put an important, demanding job on hold to go take care of his parents for two weeks - or is it possible he's on vacation or helping his wife get his kids back to school in new york? i'm confused... something doesn't add up.
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 If your instincts and his words don't match up, let him go. If he is being honest, there's something within you that doubts him and that needs working on. If he's lying, then you have to ask yourself why he would lie. What does he have to gain? Compare that answer to what you observe in his behaviors. Personally, if he was a she and I was in your shoes, I'd continue pursuing other potentials and enjoy her company as my schedule allowed and see if my instincts were on or I needed a tuneup. I don't mind dating without sex so YMMV. Time reveals all truths FWIW, taking 'time off' to care for my mother is likely what killed my marriage and damaged my business. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Some things in life take priority, even if only equal priority. If it were a reason for any behavior or action, I'd be straight-up about it with you. Kinda coincidental that I'm 50, too
Art_Critic Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Ask to see his divorce papers. That should settle it for sure. Even better.. go online and look for his divorce case in the county records.. just saw this.. oh.. i don't yet know his last name.
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Is the no last name thing normal now in the dating world? Even back in the dark ages of online correspondence, my wife and I knew each others names prior to our first lunch date. That in itself seems kinda fishy to me.
Vet Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 What's the harm in a date if you're interested in him? If you like him, give him the benefit of the doubt. To quote the venerable Carl Sagan: “I try not to think with my gut. Really, it’s okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.”
Teslacoil Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 What's the harm in a date if you're interested in him? If you like him, give him the benefit of the doubt. To quote the venerable Carl Sagan: “I try not to think with my gut. Really, it’s okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.” I agree. If you're so early in the relationship you don't even know his last name, give him the benefit of the doubt. You already know he's got a lot of baggage though. At least he's been upfront about that.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 i don't yet know his last name. all of our correspondence hasn't really given me any clue as to his last name. his email address doesn't give me anything to work with either as it refers to the sport he loves. just more reason to believe that this is a second or third choice email address that he's using. Hrm. That is really odd. My regular correspondence email addresses have my first and last name attached to them. Meaning it shows the email is from "First Last" and my email address. The only email address I don't have my full name on? The one I use for deliberate anonymity when I feel nervous about somebody knowing my full name (not like in his case where I have something to hide - more like I have somebody to hide from). I usually use it for sites like forums and whatnot. Is the no last name thing normal now in the dating world? Even back in the dark ages of online correspondence, my wife and I knew each others names prior to our first lunch date. That in itself seems kinda fishy to me. I wondered about this myself. I would think for the bare minimum of safety's sake, I'd like to know somebody's full name before meeting some stranger.
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I could fathom a circumstance where a woman might wish some anonymity, but, generally, men are out there in business and their personal lives. They are their name, their legacy, their progeny. That's why it doesn't make sense to me. In fact, the more I think about it, his answers to your inquiry about his relationship status were too smooth and polished. IMO, this is an inquiry best done face-to-face or over the phone to gauge an immediate response. Regardless, my instinct now is to make use of his 'understanding' and let him go...
New Again Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I had the same reaction as Carhill - you don't even know his last name? Weird... The situation can definitely be interpreted as shady, but ya never know. Find out his last name (seems like a reasonable thing to want to know), and do as others suggested and check online to see if he really is divorced. I've actually done that myself, it's not too hard to find those records if they exist. Good luck!
2sure Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I understand not sharing too much info when dating people met on line. BUT I felt that it was more important for me, as a woman alone to have more information than I would give a guy. Sorry. When I was going to meet a guy face to face for the first time, I would ask him in advance if he would be ok showing me his drivers license. Most of them thought it was funny but understood. I dont know, made me feel better. The fact is, he doesnt have a place of his own - even in his hometown?
Author 2sunny Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Hrm. That is really odd. My regular correspondence email addresses have my first and last name attached to them. Meaning it shows the email is from "First Last" and my email address. The only email address I don't have my full name on? The one I use for deliberate anonymity when I feel nervous about somebody knowing my full name (not like in his case where I have something to hide - more like I have somebody to hide from). I usually use it for sites like forums and whatnot. I wondered about this myself. I would think for the bare minimum of safety's sake, I'd like to know somebody's full name before meeting some stranger. it seems odd to me too! where the name would normally be next to the email address it only shows two INITIALS - no name... the first initial does correspond with his first name. hence - only the initials = my reluctance in thinking he's forthcoming with info i could potentially work from. dead end unless i specifically ask while he's in new york for the next week. also makes me think it's an auxiliary email account... making it more secret - i hate that, usually an indication of hiding behavior... something stills seems "off"
stepka Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I had a similar situation where my gut told me that he was married so I asked him and he totally denied it. Sure enough, it turned out that he was. By that time, after 8 dates or so, I had developed some feelings so it hurt to cut it off, though it would have been worse if I'd slept with him. It's probably better to let it go now while you're still unscathed.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 2sunny, why not meet him somewhere neutral for the first time, then ask him his full name, while on the date. It's a no lose proposition, in that you get the opportunity to watch his face and read his body language, when you're asking the question AND you also get his real name to do some homework, previous to going on any second date.
Author 2sunny Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 2sunny, why not meet him somewhere neutral for the first time, then ask him his full name, while on the date. It's a no lose proposition, in that you get the opportunity to watch his face and read his body language, when you're asking the question AND you also get his real name to do some homework, previous to going on any second date. i have had the first date already - this is what prompted me to have this suspicion... even before and during the date - it didn't occur to me to ask his full name... or even where his ex lives in Chicago where they lived while they were married. only odd circumstances and after the fact did i add two and two - and something doesn't add up - i just can't tell what it is - yet... dang it! i can always tell... if it's true that he's married - he's slippery - i'll give him that one. he out and out stated he's divorced. he also gave a much younger age on his profile then stated to me that he lied about the age. hmmmm
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 i have had the first date already - this is what prompted me to have this suspicion... even before and during the date - it didn't occur to me to ask his full name... or even where his ex lives in Chicago where they lived while they were married. only odd circumstances and after the fact did i add two and two - and something doesn't add up - i just can't tell what it is - yet... dang it! i can always tell... if it's true that he's married - he's slippery - i'll give him that one. he out and out stated he's divorced. he also gave a much younger age on his profile then stated to me that he lied about the age. hmmmmIf you've already been out with him, I would ask for his full name, etc. If he's reluctant to give information to you, your gut instinct is the one to follow.
dreamergrl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I say follow your gut feeling. If you plan on going forward, ask yourself what you need to get past this feeling, and make sure you get it, because if you don't you'll have this in the back of your mind for a long time.
alphamale Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 To answer your question, no, I am not married. Earlier this year, someone asked me the same question. At that time I was really suprised, but I realize now why you would think that. I travel a lot, and I am not yet settled here. So, it could be a logical conclusion. If you are not comfortable with my answer, I understand - it is way to early to assume you can go off anything more than a gut feel. again, it's raining here - which sucks, because it is such a great city to walk in. So much to see, and people watching is unparalleled. Anyway, if you don't feel comfortable with this, I understand. I enjoyed our date. Let me know either way. what do you all think? any objective perspective is appreciated. he's totally married
Author 2sunny Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 he's totally married ahahahaha, alpha - so funny - why do you say this?
alphamale Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 ahahahaha, alpha - so funny - why do you say this? because if he was not married he would have just said "i'm not married" and not gone into any explanation...
Author 2sunny Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 because if he was not married he would have just said "i'm not married" and not gone into any explanation... that's what i thought you would say... i love a man's perspective. it was all the fluff around something that should be a simple answer that made it look odd... like he may not have really wanted to have to answer the question - so let's just use lots more words because of the discomfort level.
Author 2sunny Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 and now this email after asking him what he's in new york for... i knew he said he would see his parents... and work. he also said he may have to go overseas for work straight from new york - but wasn't sure... hmmmm evasive and ever changing schedule - how convenient... and the "for both of us?" what? one + two parents equals ALL of us... or three of us - but not both of us... his email - just now: I have a lot of work here. I probably put in 11 hours today. I had dinner with my parents (they live in NYC, that is probably what I was in the process of telling you. They have lived in NYC since 94. They are getting old, so I don't know how much longer they will stay here. It's great to see them - I try and go back every other month. The fact that I had to work out here was a welcome suprise (for both of us). Having a good weekend?
dreamergrl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Sunny, let's say he wasn't married... would you be comfortable with all his traveling?
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