Woggle Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 If she really is not doing it for you then do what you must but remember that women like her are hard to find. I would not be surprised to find you bending over backwards for some woman that treats you like garbage in a few years.
HeadlessZebra Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 If she really is not doing it for you then do what you must but remember that women like her are hard to find. I would not be surprised to find you bending over backwards for some woman that treats you like garbage in a few years. Tha's not fair to the OP. Are you saying the only standard people should have for a partner is that they be sweet and nice? The guy just isn't attracted to her personality! If I dated every "sweet and nice" guy who came my way, I'd be dating some Down Syndrome people... some doddering 80-year-olds... etc. Sweetness, attractiveness, etc. are important, but there are other intangibles that can totally turn you off to a person. You can't force attraction... you can learn to tolerate the lack of it, out of desperation, but I think the OP is young enough that he doesn't have to go that route yet. How about him bending over backwards in a few years for a girl who is sweet, nice, pretty, smart and DOES turn him on? I'm pretty sure they DO exist. It's crazy to me... here on LS everyone always seems to be telling the men to settle for "good enough", insinuating they're unlikely to find better (and think of what that does to the girl he's with... she's stuck with some guy who only stays with her because he thinks he can't do better), but in the same breath they're are always telling the women here to run for the hills at the first sign of incompatibility, like, he has dirt under one fingernail - because "they can find better".
Woggle Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I am normally hard on women but I am starting to notice that men are just as bad at being attracted to people that treat them like garbage. If this woman cheated on him and berated him in public all the time he would probably be all over her.
HeadlessZebra Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I am normally hard on women but I am starting to notice that men are just as bad at being attracted to people that treat them like garbage. If this woman cheated on him and berated him in public all the time he would probably be all over her. I wholeheartedly disagree! I disagree in general with people who go off on that tangent. It's not about being treated like garbage. You can be nice and still be stimulating/exciting. There IS no "Jerks vs. Nice Guys/Girls" dichotomy, except for a small masochistic subsection of the population. I've been on and off on LS for years and I know your experience previous to your wife has colored your view of women and people in general, but it doesn't apply to everyone, Woggle.
bac Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Anyway, back to my original problem. So she is kinda going to be blindsided by this. Is there a way to ease into it. Should I have give her some indiators before?? I am not an expert. I can tell you what things worked somehow in my experiences. First, it is probably good to prepare a person. Probably the shorter the better. Let them know that something is going wrong in your relationship. For example, neglect them, be unavailable for a short time without any good reason. So, your girl will start thinking on her own that smth is going wrong with the relationship. It is the most painful stage when a person is thinking about a possibility of a break-up but he/ or she still has a hope. Second, when she/or he already knows that smth is very wrong and experiences all the suffering of uncertainty, she/ or he will want to get the answers. So, to stop the suffering you have to tell her everything up-front and do not leave any false hope. For example, say that you are not ready for a serious relationship and want to play the field. Or whatever your reason is. At the moment, it is not going to be easy for both. But in a long-term perspective it is the best. It is very sad that people break up sometimes but it is a reality of life. The most important thing for her is to get the information that there is no hope for your relationship. When she believes it, and she is a normal emotionally balanced person, she will start focusing on finding another man instead wasting her time on suffering. All my advice is intended for a person who does really want to break up. As for you, I don't know for sure about that, because you definitely have some feelings for her calling her sweet and cute. Perhaps, you may try a temporary separation to check your feelings and intentions. And see where it will go.
westrock Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 It's crazy to me... here on LS everyone always seems to be telling the men to settle for "good enough", insinuating they're unlikely to find better (and think of what that does to the girl he's with... she's stuck with some guy who only stays with her because he thinks he can't do better), but in the same breath they're are always telling the women here to run for the hills at the first sign of incompatibility, like, he has dirt under one fingernail - because "they can find better". People often take the approach to hold out for "the one" on that basis that if we perceive someone to be less than 100% we should move on. The challenge is that we cannot always figure out if someone is 100% perfect for us. I think the rationale of the "good enough" concept is that it tries to counter the effects of rejecting people for perceived flaws we identify in a potential mate which in the big picture are actually insignficant ("dirt under one fingernail"). The challenge is to be able to determine which qualities/flaws are significant which are insignificant. For example who is a better match: Person A who is a hot looking person but who is dishonest, or person-B who is average looking but is honest? Some people want person-A, some people want person-B. Some people want neither. Some people might think going for person-A is settling for "good enough" because they are choosing someone who is not honest. Other people might think going for person-B is settling for "good enough" because the person is only "average looking". Which person is the best choice? The answer depends on what is important to you. As people mature, they likely realize that looks, although important, are not as significant as having honesty and as such person-B is probably the better choice in the long run. By advising someone to "settle for good enough" it is essentially to get people to overlook perceived flaws by suggesting they ingore the insignificant qualities and focus more on the significant qualities a person has. If done properly, someone who decides to settle for "good enough" may find themselves actually with their "perfect match" in the long run. I think what Chrome Barracuda and Woogle are trying to say is that the OP is rejecting this woman based on flaws that in the long run are insignificant or just perceived flaws and he is ignoring the positive qualities he's described about her. Whether they are insigficant or not depends on the OP's own values and his sense of maturity, desires, and confidence in his abililites.
HeadlessZebra Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I think what Chrome Barracuda and Woogle are trying to say is that the OP is rejecting this woman based on flaws that in the long run are insignificant or just perceived flaws and he is ignoring the positive qualities he's described about her. Whether they are insigficant or not depends on the OP's own values and his sense of maturity, desires, and confidence in his abililites. Right, I get that, but see, I don't think the flaws OP finds in his girl ARE insignificant. He's clearly stated her personality annoys him and turns him off, and that he dislikes spending time with her. Those are NOT minor flaws that you can just overlook. You can't help when someone just rubs you the wrong way...
Author tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Tha's not fair to the OP. Are you saying the only standard people should have for a partner is that they be sweet and nice? The guy just isn't attracted to her personality! If I dated every "sweet and nice" guy who came my way, I'd be dating some Down Syndrome people... some doddering 80-year-olds... etc. Sweetness, attractiveness, etc. are important, but there are other intangibles that can totally turn you off to a person. You can't force attraction... you can learn to tolerate the lack of it, out of desperation, but I think the OP is young enough that he doesn't have to go that route yet. How about him bending over backwards in a few years for a girl who is sweet, nice, pretty, smart and DOES turn him on? I'm pretty sure they DO exist. It's crazy to me... here on LS everyone always seems to be telling the men to settle for "good enough", insinuating they're unlikely to find better (and think of what that does to the girl he's with... she's stuck with some guy who only stays with her because he thinks he can't do better), but in the same breath they're are always telling the women here to run for the hills at the first sign of incompatibility, like, he has dirt under one fingernail - because "they can find better". Thank you for understanding. That's what I've been trying to say. Not everyone that is sweet, nice, cute and caring of the opposite sex is a good match for everyone.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I think what Chrome Barracuda and Woogle are trying to say is that the OP is rejecting this woman based on flaws that in the long run are insignificant or just perceived flaws and he is ignoring the positive qualities he's described about her. Whether they are insigficant or not depends on the OP's own values and his sense of maturity, desires, and confidence in his abililites. Well people break up with people all the time because of flaws. I am not looking for the PERFECT person. I have my flaws and I realize that, and the person I end up with will have their share as well. My only problem is that the combination of her flaws and her overall demeanor causes me to not be attracted to her, and attraction is not a choice. You either are or you are not. If I am not attracted to her, what would you suggest I do?
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 If I am not attracted to her, what would you suggest I do? You received some good advice on that subject in Post #22
Teslacoil Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Well people break up with people all the time because of flaws. I am not looking for the PERFECT person. I have my flaws and I realize that, and the person I end up with will have their share as well. My only problem is that the combination of her flaws and her overall demeanor causes me to not be attracted to her, and attraction is not a choice. You either are or you are not. If I am not attracted to her, what would you suggest I do? Just sit her down, tell her she's a great girl, but you just don't feel that you two have a huge *spark* between each other. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her that you don't really feel that you two have a lot of chemistry. Break up on good terms. Don't jerk her around and manipulate her. Don't draw this out for weeks. People on here keep telling you "there's nothing wrong with her, why are you leaving her, etc"... That's the wrong attitude. There is something "wrong" with EVERYONE. You end up in relationships with people who match up with what's RIGHT and also what's WRONG. Just because this girl doesn't have some huge flaw doesn't mean that he should stay with her. Honestly it just sounds like she's really not really your "type". There's nothing wrong with that.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I would add too that you will need to mention that in addition to missing the 'spark' you simply don't have the feelings for her that are necessary to have a relationship. Make it clear that you realize that it is one-sided, and that you apologize for any hurt you may have caused. Regardless of what you say or do, she is going to feel you led her on, so you have a bit of an uphill battle. Just make it a clean break. Don't offer 'friends' or anything like that. That will hurt her ultimately worse than if you just made your apologies and walked away. Do not: * tell her 'you aren't ready for a relationship' (you might meet someone in a week that you do want to date, and that will make you look like a liar) * mention any of her faults (that adds insult to injury, just take the blame) * tell her how wonderful, sweet, nice, etc. she is (that will not make her feel better - only worse) * tell her that some man would be lucky to have her (she doesn't want any other man right now, and the suggestion will piss her off) * offer 'friends' or a 'shoulder to lean on' (this will simply open the door for her to have an excuse to try to 'win you back'
Teslacoil Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 * tell her how wonderful, sweet, nice, etc. she is (that will not make her feel better - only worse) * tell her that some man would be lucky to have her (she doesn't want any other man right now, and the suggestion will piss her off) Really? Even if those things are true you think they'd be bad to say? I doubt they would lessen the blow in the short term, but in the long term she might feel better about herself.
HeadlessZebra Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Really? Even if those things are true you think they'd be bad to say? I doubt they would lessen the blow in the short term, but in the long term she might feel better about herself. No, I agree with LB. All those things sound like hurtful, empty flattery and only confuse a woman when her man is dumping her. All OP has to tell homegirl is, "Listen, I don't want to hurt you and never did. You're a great, attractive gal and there's nothing wrong with you. I just don't feel a connection and we need to break it off. I'm sorry. I wish you nothing but the best." Like ripping off a band-aid.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Really? Even if those things are true you think they'd be bad to say? I doubt they would lessen the blow in the short term, but in the long term she might feel better about herself. They are bad to say. Trust me. I was on the receiving end of them not too long ago. I'm reminded of a few lines from a Smiths song: "If you're so funny Then why are you on your own tonight? And if you're so clever Then why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining Then why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very good-looking Why do you sleep alone tonight? I know ... 'Cause tonight is just like any other night All you can think when someone is dumping you with flattery is... "If I'm so great then why are you dumping me?" Trust me. Don't flatter or tell her that she'll find someone else easier, or that she deserves better or any of that stuff. My FWB very recently did the 'drop off the face of the earth' thing - literally just stopped talking to me, calling me, emailing me - just cut me off cold and didn't look back and that hurt less than the guy who was telling me that I was so great, and would find someone soon, etc. I'm not suggesting you cut her off like that, but do make it a clean break and make it all about you, not her. It will be easier that way and she won't be left questioning why you left if she was so 'great'.
BCCA Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 They are bad to say. Trust me. I was on the receiving end of them not too long ago. I'm reminded of a few lines from a Smiths song: All you can think when someone is dumping you with flattery is... "If I'm so great then why are you dumping me?" Trust me. Don't flatter or tell her that she'll find someone else easier, or that she deserves better or any of that stuff. My FWB very recently did the 'drop off the face of the earth' thing - literally just stopped talking to me, calling me, emailing me - just cut me off cold and didn't look back and that hurt less than the guy who was telling me that I was so great, and would find someone soon, etc. I'm not suggesting you cut her off like that, but do make it a clean break and make it all about you, not her. It will be easier that way and she won't be left questioning why you left if she was so 'great'. I completely agree, those things really arent about making HER feel better if you think about it. They are about making YOU feel less guilty. How much sense does it make to tell someone how great they are when you are dumping them? Or say theyll make someone really happy someday, its just not going to be you? What you have to say is the truth, youre just not feeling the right vibe, and its time to go. Anything said to 'soften the blow' is actually going to make it much worse. You cant soften it, its like nicely telling someone their mom just died. Now matter how you put it, theyre going to be crushed. You just have to accept reality, and deal with it.
stillafool Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 When I did I complain about sex with her or complaining about it? Obviously if there is no chemistry and lack of attractiveness, the sex isn't going to be that great. And yes, I do get bored with her and I find myself not looking forward to hanging out with her. It sucks. I wish it were different, but I can't control those feelings. And I am not dragging this out. I decided today that the relationship had to end. This is why I am here to get advice and inputs on how to best go about it so I minimize the pain and confusion for her. I am going to be guilty either way, but maybe one method over another can help her cope with things better, I don't know! Either way, I am not playing her, I'm not trying to get into her pants just to get laid, I do see the good things in her, but I also realize that it doesn't work and I shouldn't waste my time or hers. It's not fair for anybody. I've given the relationship a chance, and have tried to really get to know her and what she is all about. But right now I'm not dragging things out. I decided today that the relationship has to end and am seeking advice on how to best go about it so I don't further hurt her. I'm here askign Look, you can't help it you don't have that "chemistry" with her. You don't feel the passion and it's okay to break up. I respect you for not sleeping with her and then dropping her especially since she is such a nice girl. IMO that is what dating is for. I know when I was single I dated plenty of "nice" guys hoping some sort of passion would creep in and when it didn't I moved on. Passion can't be bought or sold. It either is or isn't there.
tkgirl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I've been very intrigued by this whole thread... and am wondering if tomtom26 has broken up with her yet.. I mean, it's friday night.. maybe he's out with her now? I'm dying to know! oh wow..... it is friday night.. what the heck am I doing?
Author tomtom26 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 I did it tonight. It had to wait this long cuz she had to leave for a biz trip this past week and I wanted to wait to do it in person. She was devastated, confused, hurt............I feel like the biggest piece of **** in the world. Hurting her is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She did not deserve to feel this way. She is a great and nice girl, I feel EXTREMELY bad. Two emotions I'm feeling right now: 1) Absolute pain and guilt for having done this to her 2) Wondering if I did the right thing Anybody been through something like this before and can relate to these feelings? What do I do now as far as she is concerned? I'm not gonna contact her or ask if she's ok, cuz I want her to move on and be happy, but what if she keeps texting me?
redhighheels Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Having been on the receiving end in a similar situation, your post really made me sad. There's nothing you can do, except leave her alone. If you did offer her closure, don't pick up if/when she calls and don't answer her texts. Of course, there's no such thing as closure...My ex did a good job at not initiating any form of contact, and at not responding to my sporadic attempts of contact. I got the point, I've moved on. Looking back, it was painful as hell, but at least he had the decency to leave me alone. I feel for the girl. So very sad.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Having been on the receiving end in a similar situation, your post really made me sad. There's nothing you can do, except leave her alone. If you did offer her closure, don't pick up if/when she calls and don't answer her texts. Of course, there's no such thing as closure...My ex did a good job at not initiating any form of contact, and at not responding to my sporadic attempts of contact. I got the point, I've moved on. Looking back, it was painful as hell, but at least he had the decency to leave me alone. I feel for the girl. So very sad. I've been on the receiving end of these too, actually twice. One time I was numb for a whole year, the other it took me only a month or so to get over it. Hurt like hell nonetheless. This is why it feels so bad for me right now because I know exactly what she's going through. I just can't remember what I would have wanted. The initial period after getting dumped was just a haze for me I can't remember any details of how I felt or what I wanted.........I was just in sheer pain. It is very sad.....and I am the one who is hurting her.....even sadder
tkgirl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I did it tonight. It had to wait this long cuz she had to leave for a biz trip this past week and I wanted to wait to do it in person. She was devastated, confused, hurt............I feel like the biggest piece of **** in the world. Hurting her is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She did not deserve to feel this way. She is a great and nice girl, I feel EXTREMELY bad. Two emotions I'm feeling right now: 1) Absolute pain and guilt for having done this to her 2) Wondering if I did the right thing Anybody been through something like this before and can relate to these feelings? What do I do now as far as she is concerned? I'm not gonna contact her or ask if she's ok, cuz I want her to move on and be happy, but what if she keeps texting me? yes, of course I've been on both ends of this and I'm not sure what is worse... ah heck, we all know it's being the "dumpee"! Seriously though, it is also very hard to hurt someone you care about. But you did the right thing.. you realized she's not the girl for you and you respected her enough to let her know instead of dragging it out, or dating someone else behind her back and then "letting" her find out. Or the worst is when someone just disappears without any explanation. She will be okay... it may take a while but she will get over you. I think it's best if you refrain from contacting her now.. and don't offer the "friend" thing. If she does contact you, then listen to what she has to say and then try to let her down easy.. again. Breaking up is no fun... but you both will be better off in the long run. You weren't right for each other...now you can both find someone who is.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 yes, of course I've been on both ends of this and I'm not sure what is worse... ah heck, we all know it's being the "dumpee"! Seriously though, it is also very hard to hurt someone you care about. But you did the right thing.. you realized she's not the girl for you and you respected her enough to let her know instead of dragging it out, or dating someone else behind her back and then "letting" her find out. Or the worst is when someone just disappears without any explanation. She will be okay... it may take a while but she will get over you. I think it's best if you refrain from contacting her now.. and don't offer the "friend" thing. If she does contact you, then listen to what she has to say and then try to let her down easy.. again. Breaking up is no fun... but you both will be better off in the long run. You weren't right for each other...now you can both find someone who is. Wow, I never thought it would be this bad. I hear her crying in my head sometimes and its rough, but she has it 100x worse so I really shouldn't be saying much. But I never knew I would feel so empty inside...........
tkgirl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Wow, I never thought it would be this bad. I hear her crying in my head sometimes and its rough, but she has it 100x worse so I really shouldn't be saying much. But I never knew I would feel so empty inside........... awwww... you're going to make me cry! maybe I shouldn't say this but... do you think you may have made a mistake? Like the fact that you feel sooooo bad is because you really do have deep feelings for her and you just got scared? It's just a thought because... well, I had that happen to me. A guy broke up with me only to come back later... 6 months later! said how sorry he was etc... Long story short I didn't work out the second time either... but that didn't keep him from popping in and out of my life a few more times. It was very painful for me because I knew we had something good.. but for some reason he... just... couldn't... go there. Anyways... if you are sure you did the right thing, that she isn't the girl for you... then feel good knowing that you let her go to find someone who does want to be with her. And so will you... it will get better, I promise!
Author tomtom26 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 awwww... you're going to make me cry! maybe I shouldn't say this but... do you think you may have made a mistake? Like the fact that you feel sooooo bad is because you really do have deep feelings for her and you just got scared? It's just a thought because... well, I had that happen to me. A guy broke up with me only to come back later... 6 months later! said how sorry he was etc... Long story short I didn't work out the second time either... but that didn't keep him from popping in and out of my life a few more times. It was very painful for me because I knew we had something good.. but for some reason he... just... couldn't... go there. Anyways... if you are sure you did the right thing, that she isn't the girl for you... then feel good knowing that you let her go to find someone who does want to be with her. And so will you... it will get better, I promise! I've thought about that TK. I've wondering if I've made a mistake, but I remind myself that there is a reason why I did this. She is a sweet girl and deserves that absolute best, but I am trying to live in the comfort that I did not come to this decision lightly, that I seeked outside counsel and thought about it long and hard. Either way, I think I need this time to figure out myself. Even if I wanted to go back and I made a mistake, I am weary of doing so right now. What if I'm making that decision because I just want to make her feel better, maybe I feel guilty and alone now too and I want to fix that..........and what if we are back and I feel "not right" again in a few weeks. Whatever happens, I need to wait out this period and get my head right........and make sure I don't lead her on or give her any false hope. I honestly care about her more right now than I do myself. I don't want her to hurt anymore, but I know she has to.......its part of the healing process and I can't help her with that and I shouldn't even try. Being the dumpee is hard, but I think its a bad assumption to think that dumpers are always happy and not hurt when they bring pain to others.
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