tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I've been dating this girl for about 4 months now. Not long at all, but she really likes me, thinks this is definitely headed for a relationship. Sends me message, texts with hugs and kisses, says how much she misses me. Basically she's into me. I'm not really feeling it anymore. She's a sweet, caring, cute, awesome girl, but that spark is just not there......the infamous chemistry. I know that she's had her heart broken before. She was cheated on last year. I would never do that to her and have not. But I will end up hurting her by breaking things off, which breaks my heart! I hate hurting this girl because she's just a very sweet girl.........but if I'm not into it then she deserves better anyway. Any suggestions from the girls out there? Or guys that have been in the same situation? Methods? What to say and not say?
lucy9216 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 It is probably her getting too close too fast what has caused this, and that is sad because from what you say I am sure she is a really sweet girl. Methods on how to break things off? I would say just be honest with her sooner than later. Just tell her what you posted here, that you really feel she is sweet and caring all of the good things you just said about her, but the romantic chemistry for you just isn't there. Don't make anything up, just be honest. Good luck and I really hope this is something you will not regret doing
fabulousgal Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Just do it, don't over think it. Be honest that you don't feel a spark. Don't leave any room for hope. Be polite and honest. You can sit there and tell her 10,000 nice things about her but I wouldn't. Keep the compliments to select minimum because while you may say them to absolve guilt she will either read too much into it, or become angry at "why" then. Don't try to be her buddy for awhile either. Remember, she was ok without you before she'll be ok now. The best thing you can do is cut her loose so she can get over it and find someone else. The worst thing you can do is try to absolve guilty feelings by hugging her and acting all upset etc. But be nice .
Sam Spade Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 This is not the answer to what you're asking, but that's what i mean: you're an idiot to break up with a sweet girl like the one you describe ! Unless you really, really don't like her or aren't attracted to her (in which case this begs the question how come you could date her for 4 months?), dumping her would be a pretty boneheaded move, IMO. You'll be quickly reminded of that once you step back into the snake pit that is the dating scene . I take the time to write all this because I had similar concerns/experiences with my gf of now 9 months, and I'm glad I didn't succumb since I'm happier and happier with her every given day. In fact, I'm giddy . If you do do decide to go through with this, there is no substitute to simply saying "I'm not feeling it, I'm sorry".
lucy9216 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Ya know I did not even think of that you are right fabulusgal, she will ask why you would leave if she is so great. But yes, be nice if she gets angry and yells at you because she just might do this, let her get her anger out, she will feel better. Then move on, she will be okay.
Cora Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Be honest with her and the sooner the better. Yes, she may be hurt at first, but she will respect you so much more for your honesty believe me. I had a guy lead me on once. He had no real feeling for me whatsoever. The chemistry just wasn't there for him, but he kept telling me what a great girl I was etc. It hurt me so much when I finally found out he wasn't into me. Then there was another guy who I went on a few dates with and he told me upfront that he just wasn't feeling it with me. That hurt too, but guess who I respected more? Yeah, the guy who was upfront with me. You sound like a really decent guy. I commend you for not wanting to break her heart. It's gonna hurt her, but the best way is honesty.
tkgirl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 This is not the answer to what you're asking, but that's what i mean: you're an idiot to break up with a sweet girl like the one you describe ! Unless you really, really don't like her or aren't attracted to her (in which case this begs the question how come you could date her for 4 months?), dumping her would be a pretty boneheaded move, IMO. You'll be quickly reminded of that once you step back into the snake pit that is the dating scene . I take the time to write all this because I had similar concerns/experiences with my gf of now 9 months, and I'm glad I didn't succumb since I'm happier and happier with her every given day. In fact, I'm giddy . If you do do decide to go through with this, there is no substitute to simply saying "I'm not feeling it, I'm sorry". yea, I guess I'm curious too as to "why"? To me 4 months is a long enough time to know whether you have "chemistry" or not. Is it something else... like you feel you have to end it now or before you know you're going to be married with 10 kids? Maybe she just needs to know you want to take it slower? Or if you are determined to break it off, really think about if that's what you want... because once you end it there really is no going back. I've been that girl... the guy told me I was all these great things and then basically dumped me, even used the "chemistry" line which... actually pissed me off even more! How do you feel so close to someone, even sleep with them (me, or maybe you too?) and then say there isn't any chemistry. Thing is, with me this guy came back around and said how he missed me etc. but I couldn't get over the "chemistry" thing he said before... and I could no longer feel the same way about him. So... think about, know for sure it's what you want and then just end it... no explanation needed. I guess I wish that's what this guy would have done with me... maybe I'm still sort of angry about it? but I wish you luck none the less!
pandagirl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Yes, maybe this guy will regret it, but that is neither here or there. I have often times been That Girl. The "you're perfect, beautiful, I'm attracted to you, smart, funny, BUT..." Then followed up by, "I think there is something from with ME..." The truth is, for whatever reason -- the timing is off, the guy is immature, there is no chemistry -- it's just working out for him. Just be honest. There's no way to prevent hurt feelings... it's unfortunately part of the dating game.
Lucky_One Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Is this the same girl that just two weeks ago you said that you thought might be IT? If so, then it has been a mostly "off" 4 months, with her being gone for so much of it, with not much actual dating except for the last month. If you really don't feel any chemistry with her, then just tell her gently that you are sorry, that's she's great, but she's just not great for you. It hasn't been all that long for her to really get her heart broken.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 So to answer a few questions: 1) I guess I have to reclarify. We met 4 months ago. The first couple of weeks was nothing special, just a few messages here and there. Then after her finals she went on a 4-5 week trip. We definitely stayed in touch and talked every other day or so, but no face to face interaction. So we really dated about 3 month, the middle month+ she wasn't even here. She came back to the US in early July, and we've been hanging out about twice a week for the last month. 2) The things that bother me.......she has a very kid like innocent attitude, and she's like this almost all the time. I feel like I'm dating a girl and not a woman. This is a big problem for me, I almost can't bring myself to be intimate with her, when she is that way. 3) Her and I also see some things differently. For intance, she doesn't drink much alcohol. Maybe a glass a wine here and there, but she has zero desire to go out and have a good time and have a few drinks. It's not that I'm a big drinker either. I drink maybe one-two nights a week, and maybe a 2 beers or so. I feel judged for even doing that and it sucks when we go out and everybody is drinking and she is kinda anti-social that way. These are just a few examples. None of these take away from the fact that she's a sweet, caring, beautiful girl.....but I just feel that the passion and heat isn't there and that we see some things differently that are kinda dealbreakers for me.......
bac Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Do you like to have sex with her or smth is missing there?
thegoodlife Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Honesty, and the sooner the better. Let her be with someone who will feel that chemistry with her, and you can find someone else you find it with. It will suck at first but in the end, it's a win-win.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Do you like to have sex with her or smth is missing there? We got close.....things were a bit weird for me. Even in that moment her demeanor was not igniting any flames in me. Of course as a guy, sex is always nice, but being so unsure about things and questioning the relationship, I decided I didn't want to sleep with her knowing that we could breakup. That's f'd up in my book. I'm not that kind of guy So to answer you question: Everytime I see I don't say "Man, I want her right now".........but if things get started and the little general wakes up, sure, I could enjoy my time with her.
tkgirl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 We got close.....things were a bit weird for me. Even in that moment her demeanor was not igniting any flames in me. Of course as a guy, sex is always nice, but being so unsure about things and questioning the relationship, I decided I didn't want to sleep with her knowing that we could breakup. That's f'd up in my book. I'm not that kind of guy So to answer you question: Everytime I see I don't say "Man, I want her right now".........but if things get started and the little general wakes up, sure, I could enjoy my time with her. You sound like a very decent guy.. and she is a sweet girl.. but just not the girl for you! and that's ok. Also it sounds like you are in a very different place right now.. also very ok. So again, my advice is just be as honest and direct with her as possible.. don't try to sugarcoat it or feel like you have to give her some kind of excuse as to why you are breaking up with her, because really.. no excuse will make any real sense to her anyways. Like I said in my earlier post... I've been in her shoes and it's no fun, but I'd much rather have a straight forward "we're just not it for each other" than any kind of lame excuse that doesn't makes sense and then you decide you want me back and.. oh wait, this is about you! Anyho... good luck and let us know how it goes!
redant Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Do it as soon as possible. Let her kno you don't want a relationship with her because she's just hoping you do and I'm sure the sex makes her think even more that you are into her. I hope you tell her soon for her sake.
RichGuyy Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Of course as a guy, sex is always nice, but being so unsure about things and questioning the relationship, I decided I didn't want to sleep with her knowing that we could breakup. That's f'd up in my book. I'm not that kind of guy Are you the type of guy who would quit his job BEFORE securing a newer, better paying one? Are you the type of guy who would sell his house BEFORE securing a newer, bigger house? Are you the type of guy who would sell his car BEFORE securing a newer, faster one? (And do not kid yourself about being a "honorable" man -- virtually all women do this type of calculus in their hearts)
tkgirl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Are you the type of guy who would quit his job BEFORE securing a newer, better paying one? Are you the type of guy who would sell his house BEFORE securing a newer, bigger house? Are you the type of guy who would sell his car BEFORE securing a newer, faster one? (And do not kid yourself about being a "honorable" man -- virtually all women do this type of calculus in their hearts) ok... whoa! Not ALL women do this... not at all. These things you talk about are just that... THINGS. Not a human being with actual feelings. hmmm... Rich Guyy... name makes sense now... as in superficial, shallow... MAN! I'm in a mood tonight! ok so... back to the OP. I read your other post about her being "too nice" during sex. You could give it more time and see if things change, but it really sounds like she is not the girl for you. You want a woman...
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 ok... whoa! Not ALL women do this... not at all. These things you talk about are just that... THINGS. Not a human being with actual feelings. hmmm... Rich Guyy... name makes sense now... as in superficial, shallow... MAN! I'm in a mood tonight! ok so... back to the OP. I read your other post about her being "too nice" during sex. You could give it more time and see if things change, but it really sounds like she is not the girl for you. You want a woman... IT's sad... Because this girl can grow up into a beautiful Woman! But this dumb guy who's dating her isnt giving her a chance. He's saying that she's too nice in bed? WTF, if he wants nasty to the bar or something or get a hooker! or matter of fact. Teach her some good stuff in the sack. IT's not everyday you meet a good woman who loves a man alot and trusts him. He has a gift and as usual guys like him, just throw it away for dumb pieces of ass that walk around, and then when they realize that the good one's have moved on and they're still stuck in those ruts. they regret it then. But hey... it's his life.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 IT's sad... Because this girl can grow up into a beautiful Woman! But this dumb guy who's dating her isnt giving her a chance. He's saying that she's too nice in bed? WTF, if he wants nasty to the bar or something or get a hooker! or matter of fact. Teach her some good stuff in the sack. IT's not everyday you meet a good woman who loves a man alot and trusts him. He has a gift and as usual guys like him, just throw it away for dumb pieces of ass that walk around, and then when they realize that the good one's have moved on and they're still stuck in those ruts. they regret it then. But hey... it's his life. Haha, ok well since you know me so well, I guess you already know that I'm 26, have only had three girlfriends in my life. I've only slept with 2 girls, both in the confines of a loving relationship. I've never deceived any girls, nor did I ever go after the easy ass in a one-night stand of way. I have yet to sleep with this girl and easily could have, but CHOSE not to! So I have no idea what you're talking about. So any girl that is nice and sweet and cute I have to have chemistry with? I have to be sexually attracted to them? Or do these things not matter at all in the long term viability of a relationship?? Anyway, back to my original problem. So she is kinda going to be blindsided by this. Is there a way to ease into it. Should I have give her some indiators before??
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 So any girl that is nice and sweet and cute I have to have chemistry with? I have to be sexually attracted to them? Or do these things not matter at all in the long term viability of a relationship?? Anyway, back to my original problem. So she is kinda going to be blindsided by this. Is there a way to ease into it. Should I have give her some indicators before?? One would assume you were sexually attracted since you pursued her for dating and a potential intimate relationship. If you wanted her as a friend, you would have joined a bowling league together. IMO, you need to hold her hand, look in her eyes and speak your heart. Accept the results. Learn. Grow. Good luck
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Haha, ok well since you know me so well, I guess you already know that I'm 26, have only had three girlfriends in my life. I've only slept with 2 girls, both in the confines of a loving relationship. I've never deceived any girls, nor did I ever go after the easy ass in a one-night stand of way. I have yet to sleep with this girl and easily could have, but CHOSE not to! So I have no idea what you're talking about. So any girl that is nice and sweet and cute I have to have chemistry with? I have to be sexually attracted to them? Or do these things not matter at all in the long term viability of a relationship?? Anyway, back to my original problem. So she is kinda going to be blindsided by this. Is there a way to ease into it. Should I have give her some indiators before?? LOL. you havent even slept with her yet and yet your complaining about it! good lord. Of all the stupidest things. If your not feeling her, then why remain in a relationship with her? why jerk her around? why dont you end it now, quick and clean before she gets even more emotionally invested in you. What's there to figure out. I'm 28. we're only 2 years apart! Chemistry is important but it's not the end all be all of the relationship. You can meet an amazing woman and have great chemistry but she may end up treating you like crap and betraying you. When you said she's to nice, that's a keyword it usually means boring. She doesnt excite you or stimulate you mentally or in alot of ways. If you wanna put other things in your relationship that is gonna make you feel content when you receive them, then by all means, let her go... Give her the speech, it's not you, it's me. Be honest.
Author tomtom26 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 LOL. you havent even slept with her yet and yet your complaining about it! good lord. Of all the stupidest things. If your not feeling her, then why remain in a relationship with her? why jerk her around? why dont you end it now, quick and clean before she gets even more emotionally invested in you. What's there to figure out. I'm 28. we're only 2 years apart! Chemistry is important but it's not the end all be all of the relationship. You can meet an amazing woman and have great chemistry but she may end up treating you like crap and betraying you. When you said she's to nice, that's a keyword it usually means boring. She doesnt excite you or stimulate you mentally or in alot of ways. If you wanna put other things in your relationship that is gonna make you feel content when you receive them, then by all means, let her go... Give her the speech, it's not you, it's me. Be honest. When I did I complain about sex with her or complaining about it? Obviously if there is no chemistry and lack of attractiveness, the sex isn't going to be that great. And yes, I do get bored with her and I find myself not looking forward to hanging out with her. It sucks. I wish it were different, but I can't control those feelings. And I am not dragging this out. I decided today that the relationship had to end. This is why I am here to get advice and inputs on how to best go about it so I minimize the pain and confusion for her. I am going to be guilty either way, but maybe one method over another can help her cope with things better, I don't know! Either way, I am not playing her, I'm not trying to get into her pants just to get laid, I do see the good things in her, but I also realize that it doesn't work and I shouldn't waste my time or hers. It's not fair for anybody. I've given the relationship a chance, and have tried to really get to know her and what she is all about. But right now I'm not dragging things out. I decided today that the relationship has to end and am seeking advice on how to best go about it so I don't further hurt her. I'm here askign
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 When I did I complain about sex with her or complaining about it? Obviously if there is no chemistry and lack of attractiveness, the sex isn't going to be that great. And yes, I do get bored with her and I find myself not looking forward to hanging out with her. It sucks. I wish it were different, but I can't control those feelings. And I am not dragging this out. I decided today that the relationship had to end. This is why I am here to get advice and inputs on how to best go about it so I minimize the pain and confusion for her. I am going to be guilty either way, but maybe one method over another can help her cope with things better, I don't know! Either way, I am not playing her, I'm not trying to get into her pants just to get laid, I do see the good things in her, but I also realize that it doesn't work and I shouldn't waste my time or hers. It's not fair for anybody. I've given the relationship a chance, and have tried to really get to know her and what she is all about. But right now I'm not dragging things out. I decided today that the relationship has to end and am seeking advice on how to best go about it so I don't further hurt her. I'm here askign LOL you mean there's no chemistry on your end!!! she has no problem. maybe these is one of those cases where people gets their wires crossed. who knows. Just sit her down and tell her the damn truth. be a man about yours. I'd have to ask you from jump if you didnt have chemistry why did you get into a relationship with her in the first place. I suspect you knew what you was getting into from jump and now that her feelings are overwhelmingly greater you cant keep up, you wanna bounce? I'm just hypothesizing. Who knows, what's going on but remember what i said about chemistry it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes chemistry is not felt at first but it damn sure can be cultivated and created. It takes time though. And truthfully for some reason I dont think your giving her a fair chance at all. But if you want to leave based on shallowness. then just be truthful and set her free. let the next man do right by her. She'll be hurt but hopefully wont hold it against other men she may meet in the future.
tkgirl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Haha, ok well since you know me so well, I guess you already know that I'm 26, have only had three girlfriends in my life. I've only slept with 2 girls, both in the confines of a loving relationship. I've never deceived any girls, nor did I ever go after the easy ass in a one-night stand of way. I have yet to sleep with this girl and easily could have, but CHOSE not to! So I have no idea what you're talking about. So any girl that is nice and sweet and cute I have to have chemistry with? I have to be sexually attracted to them? Or do these things not matter at all in the long term viability of a relationship?? Anyway, back to my original problem. So she is kinda going to be blindsided by this. Is there a way to ease into it. Should I have give her some indiators before?? wait... I thought you did sleep with her by what you said in another post... that she was saying things like "my dear, my darling..." during that time. What time did you mean then exactly? ok, whatever.. Whether you had actual intercourse or not... you don't really feel that sexual chemistry with her and that's a completely legit reason to want to end things. Heck... it doesn't even really matter what the reason is... you are just not feeling it with this girl... don't beat yourself up over it. I say just sit down, have an honest talk with her face to face and then end it. She may say she wants to know why, but try to refrain from saying things like "there's no chemistry" because that will just F with her head and wonder what the heck you guys did have then. Chemistry can mean so many different things to different people... and yea, to me it's over-rated....
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