lucy9216 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Well, I don't understand how some people are able to do this? I was out with someone I know really well last weekend, had some to drink and yes we did sleep together. I was thinking I am an adult, it has been a while and I have needs too. I don't have strong intentions with having a relationship with this person due to the fact that I am not completely over my ex and that is when the next morning it hit me, I cried for almost 2 days because of this. I was so sad that I was with someone else other than my ex and that is who I wanted to be with, just writting this makes me a little teary. I don't know how some people have the ability to seperate themselves when sleeping with another person that they are not in a relationhip with, because this is the first time I have done something like this and I am an emotional wreck. It has made trying to get over my ex an even more difficult accomplishment, I am making myself go in circles! I don't know what I am looking for posting this here, I guess I need to vent and to know that everything is going to be okay. I have a difficult time talking to the people close to me, they know something is wrong but all I say is that I am okay. But really I am not okay, I just want my ex to realize that he screwed up and come home, and be a daddy to our kids again but he wont, accepting this and moving on is the most difficult thing I have ever done. Getting out of bed and being with my kids is the hardest task everyday but I do it because I love my kids and I don't want them to see that their mom is a mess, so I gather all of the strength I can everyday to stick to our routine and not bring my kids down with me. I can't even close to anyone, I have met a couple guys that have potential but the minute I feel as though there is a possiblity I quickly distance myself from them because I feel guilty as if I am cheating on my ex and all I do is compare them to him. And almost everyone I know is trying to set me up with one of their friends or coworkers ugghhhh...... I don't want anyone else. Anyway, I just need to vent somewhere Thank you for listenning to my rantings. Things have to get better, I just hope sonner than later.
Ronni_W Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Hugs, lucy. Everything IS going to be okay; things WILL get better. Sending Strength, Wisdom and Guidance.
fabulousgal Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Yeah they will get better. Perhaps you should not get physical for awhile. Sucks but doing it too soon after a breakup can work against you, despite what some people say. You kinda move your emotions to another person becuase you haven't had time to heal, and they aren't your ex and aren't going to act/react like your ex would. Hell I remember once I made out w a guy after I broke up w my bf and got mad he didn't cuddle with me the next morning. Then I realized we weren't even dating, we just got drunk and made out. But I still felt like I was instantly trying to replace my ex and the intimacy we shared, which is really not healthy or possible.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Yeah they will get better. Perhaps you should not get physical for awhile. Sucks but doing it too soon after a breakup can work against you, despite what some people say. You kinda move your emotions to another person becuase you haven't had time to heal, and they aren't your ex and aren't going to act/react like your ex would. Hell I remember once I made out w a guy after I broke up w my bf and got mad he didn't cuddle with me the next morning. Then I realized we weren't even dating, we just got drunk and made out. But I still felt like I was instantly trying to replace my ex and the intimacy we shared, which is really not healthy or possible. Thank you fabulousgal I don't feel so crazy for doing the same thing now, the next morning with this guy I was cuddling with him as well and I didn't realize until later that it was because I was imagining my ex. That is when reality sunk in and my depression hit me again. I agree, it is not healthy for me to be physical with anyone for a while. yeah it sucks but all it is going to do is make things worse for me and I need to heal. Thank you for the support all, I need it ((HUGS)) to you guys.
stepka Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Hey Lucy, sending you cyber hugs. Yah, the thing that sucks is that your sex drive comes back with power right when you need to NOT be doing it--I've had the same thing, but decided that my vibrator really is more satisfying than empty sex. When you can stop comparing other men to your ex, you'll know you're ready to date again. Hang in there.
Author lucy9216 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Thank you stepka, I am just having one of those really bad days just struggling to get through it but I will. Thank you for the support and I definatley need to get a vibrator
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Lucy - I know it feels like you're in the deep end right now, with no end in sight. But one day you will wake up, and things will just be BETTER. That's what happened with my ex and I finally realized how perfect it was that we split. Everything happens for a reason. Hang in there. I totally understand where you're coming from. Songs reminded me of him, I found "meaning" in everything that somehow it would just fix itself. It never did, and I'm REALLY glad now that it didn't. But in the meantime - tell people to back off because you're definitely not ready to date or sleep with anyone. Just be with Lucy for right now - remembering who that is outside of your ex. You'll gain a healthier appreciation for how dumb he was to walk away. I AM BLUEBERRY PANCAKES! (obscure reference if you haven't read the post on Shadowplay's thread)
Author lucy9216 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Soulsearch: Thank you, and I do have somedays where I get my moments of clarity when I think of everything he did when he left me, all of the lies, secrets, false hope, straight up head games he played with me and I think this is for the best. But I do have to see him everyweekend when exchanging the kids, and I feel like I go backwards when I see him and I think of all of the good times and I just want it back. Ya know I want my family back and I want him to want his family back. I just don't understand it all, but I am looking forward to the day when this will no longer bother me. I have to add I am really not looking forward to the day when he brings his new girlfriend to our kids school activities or shows etc. I hope I will be okay by then.
Trimmer Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Lucy - I haven't read any of your other posts, I don't think. Just to get up to speed, can I ask about how long it's been since things started coming apart? And were you married, and are you going through (or finished with) a divorce? That aside, I'm really proud of your comment that you are being there for your kids. Your recognition of the importance of continuing to be a solid, stable presence in their lives is a great thing, on which people sometimes lose focus. Your ability to think about that shows emotional maturity, and your ability to actually do it, in spite of your other stresses, shows great strength. When I was going through my separation/divorce (wife decided to leave, two kids, 6 & 8 at the time) my kids were kind of an anchor for me. When I say that, I'm very careful to make the distinction that I didn't call on them to comfort or care for me in any way - I think it's bad to reverse roles like that on kids, especially when everyone's under stress - but that I had an absolute, solid conviction that things had to be stable and healthy for the kids. And so I knew I had to do it, and therefore, I just knew that I could. I owed it to them not to allow any other choice. So in that way, my kids were a kind of an anchor for me during that time. In spite of all my confusion, anguish, pain, I had one constant, a mandate, a focus that I could be sure of, that was solid and large and bright, even when everything else was blurry and swirling and stormy. And that was just enough to keep me going, as I gradually healed and emerged from that storm - and I did. So in spite of this sounding like I'm just talking "all about me" (and I am good at it, you have to admit... ) I'm relating this because it sounds like we have some parallel experience, and I want to tell you that yes, you have to do it, but therefore you can do it, and it does get better. Now, I don't mean to make it sound like it's only about the kids - your healing and moving forward into your new life is clearly central here, but I just wanted to give you some support and encouragement and to point out that that routine, that focus, that dedication can be the very thing that is your lifeline through all this turbulence, as it was in my case.
Trimmer Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Thank you, and I do have somedays where I get my moments of clarity when I think of everything he did when he left me, all of the lies, secrets, false hope, straight up head games he played with me and I think this is for the best. Those moments of clarity are part of your healing and processing. For me, they kind of surprised me, and they were at first fleeting and far between - truly just "moments". But over time, they started coming more often, and lasting longer, and the calm that came with them was very welcome. And things gradually came together - even now I still miss what we had, but I'm now looking forward in my life, so while the loss is still there and real, it no longer dominates my view of my life. But I do have to see him every weekend when exchanging the kids, and I feel like I go backwards when I see him and I think of all of the good times and I just want it back. Here's some advice that I give in this situation - it's not a silver bullet that will immediately solve all your problems, but it is a technique, a perspective, that I used to help handle those interactions and make them a little easier (reverse the male/female roles in my description as appropriate): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1579906
Author lucy9216 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Trimmer- It has been 4 months since he left me, we were engaged. He actually purposed to me one month before he left me so I really did not see this comming at all. We have 1 child together that is 3 but I also have another child that is 9 from my previous marriage, he was very abusive to me and my daughter so that marriage was very easy to walk out on. My ex-fiance took in my oldest daughter as his own since she was 3 (we were together for 6 years) The way he was there for her and he didn't need to be still makes me see him as her dad too. So I will often say we have two kids together. He really played with my emotions alot the last 4 months, it was he wants to work things out, then he doesent, oh wait he does, then now he doesent and now he calls me a bitch for wanting to work things out and I need to leave him alone. I have left him alone, but I don't think it was fair for him to lead me on in the way that he did want to work things out with me. It made my healing process that much more difficult, once I felt like okay I am doing good I am making progress he would turn to me and say that he misses me and can't stand the thought of me being with someone else but he needs more time. Then he turns around and says no I don't want to be with you ever again. I could go on and on about everything, I am not saying that I was perfect I made my own mistakes too, but nothing worthy breaking up our family over. Thank you for your responses, I read them all and the link to your previous post regarding your ex partner as a business partner and thank you I will do this. He wants to stop and have coffee with me in the morning and I was allowing this but I have stopped. He would call and say he wants to drop off our daughter early but he wants to stay at my place and hang out with her here, I used to allow this but last sunday he asked and I told him no. My kids have been my anchor just in the effect as you mention for yourself. They are what keeps me going, eventhough somedays I just don't want too, I know I have too. If I feel sad I lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes and let it out, wash off my face and get back to my day. It is definatley hard, but I am getting better at it. My kids mean the world to me they always have. Actually my ex told me that I didn't save enough time or love for him that I cared too much for our kids. He also said during our break up that I should be happy now because it will just be me and my girls and he feels that this is what I always wanted. This is not true and I told him this, he must have a hard time remembering everything I did do for him, which was alot I truly loved him and did my best to show him that. These comments are very selfish of him to say! I know for a fact that if one day he shows up and says he is sorry that he is wrong and he wants to work things out, I couldn't do it. Only because I could never trust him again and I couldn't live like that, in fear of him leaving me again and trying to spy on him to see if he is talking to other girls behind my back again, this would not be healthy for me and I know that but either way, it is still hard to accept that this has all happened. Again, thank you. You provided alot of good feedback for me, it is really good advice and I really need that right now
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