konasexone Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 26 years ago ,on a warm summer night I was hitchhicking and this little girl picked me up. We ended up going for coffee and fell in love that night. A few weeks into dating she tells me the family secret. She had been sexually abused at the hands of her brother. By spring time, her folks kick her out of the house and give her an ultimatum, him or us. We were 20, I was in college, so we shacked up. Four years later we married without her family at the wedding. Eight years into the marriage (a difficult one but workable) we have our first child. We have our second four years later. She gets a boob job which she says she has no regrets BTW. In 99 the family (hers) starts communicating with her and eventually gets back in. I'm suffering through most of this marriage with anxiety and depression. I get treated, get off of treatment, I'm irritable and fussy quite often.I always complained about her appearance when I was sick. I couldn't care less now that I am well. I only get treated succesfully after hospitalization two years ago. Now her family are a bunch of drinking swearing , porn pigs. I have issues with them (we are always at their functions way too often). My wife had promised they would never interfere in our marriage, but that was a lie. Four years ago she had a major health crisis. She needed a pacemaker. I was sick too at the time and was not emotionally there as I should of been. She never forgave me for that. She's had problems since but I was there 100% for her. Lately, I did the wash, cleaned the house, got supper ready for her, riubbed her back at night to make up for the past when I was sick. I even did her hair color for her every month. Four months ago I told her I would love her forever. She wouldn't reply. She said she didn't know what the future held. She told me that was a silly thing to say. She's been threatening to leave for a while and now she pulled it off. I'm devastated. She's been gone two weeks. Three weeks ago we were having sex, going for walks, ATVing together, talking. She was on vacation but always at her folks in the morning instead of curling up with me in bed. I made an issue of it and that was the last straw. For two days after that she sulked, but still wanted to go for a walk with me at night. On the second day while out for coffee in the truck, I told her I loved her and she started crying. She told me she had tried but couldn't go on. I moved out with the trailer for four days then came back. She left with the kids to her best friend. She's turned into a stranger, she puts on a real happy face with me on the phone to let me know she's happier now. My ten year old tells me she's not always that chipper. She seems real worried. Who knows. I keep telling her I love and miss her. She tells me she's moved on, not to worry about her, that she doesn't love me and had often wished me dead. Nice girl. She lies to me and wishes me dead and I still love her. I'm going to have to take out a mortgage on my paid house to get her off my back. Cancer would be fun right now.The whole thing is my fault, at least that's how I feel. I've been there for the incest, the childbirth and raising of the kids (I watched them all summer since they were small, I'm a teacher), I was there when she had eye surgery in Toronto (Islept in the car in winter to be close to her), I was there for both heart surgeries (pacemaker and subsequent problems). Now I'm trash to the road. I got treated in hospital for my anxiety disorder and she says I have a disease. I miss her and I still love her but she's turned into a stone. I've never hit her or cheated on her. She says I'm an excellent dad, you can't get better, that I was 110% in the last year, but that her feelings for me are gone. She's 47, we've been married nearly 22 years, together 26. What happened? How could I have let that family of hers do this? Will she ever wake up, will I. She's spoken with a therapist and she said that my wife had decided long ago and that councelling was to late for her. She was past the point. I pray and have faith that it isn't. She would from time to time tell me she loved me (not often) why? She told me two years ago after threatening to leave that there would always be a little place for me in her heart. What did I do? Everything is always my fault. She never admits guilt. She goes back to a family, a brother who abused her and a mother who told her that "if you didn't say anything , you must of liked it".
LisaUk Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Hi I'm sorry to hear your pain. Why is she saying she has left? B/c you weren't there for the recovery after the pace maker, but you were unwell with anxiety problems? It's a bit unclear in your post. The best advice is to pull a 180. Check tessagains thread, Hopes and Dreams just posted it there! Keep posting, we're all in this together.
Author konasexone Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 She says she's been out of love with me for some time, has tried working it out but its no use, she's scared beyond the point of no return. I've never hit her, cheated on her. I was just depressed and looked disappointed, and she assumed it was all her fault. I was friggin ill. She just doesn't buy it or care anymore. She wants to be alone and away from me.
Dack Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 There is nothing I can say to this except that I feel your pain. I know that it is great -- Here's a hug --
2sunny Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 has she done any counseling to address the abuse in her childhood? if not, it could be that the reappearance of her family has brought up a lot of old feelings that she never worked through. in any case, you need to allow her time to address the issues she's having and stay on track for the ones you have. stay healthy - let her address what's bothering her... i'd be willing to bet she's transferring the memories of her younger years into your relationship. good luck, this has got to be tough.
Author konasexone Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 She attended a few talk sessions but never completed her book work. I don't think she even started. She dropped out way too early. Intamacy has always been strange with me and her.
Gunny376 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Most of us don't get from birth to the other side of the grave without being un-scathed. That's just a fact! We're going to hit a few bumps in the road along the way. We're got to get scared, bruised and damaged. They don't always shows up physically. Your DW is damaged goods,............................... Long before she ever meet you. Her demons are more than your love for her can conquer alone! The only solution is for her to overcome her issues and problems ~ and she is un-willing to do accept the help that she needs to do so. The only choice you have is to go on with Life? Without her! And make the best possible life you can for you and yours!
Author konasexone Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 My psychologist told me that she sounds very confused. He says there's a strong chance she won't be back. He says she has problems she needs to work out by herself. He says she likely won't be any happier without me. I'm sure of that everytime I hear her voice and her fake happy tone. I always hang up by telling her I miss her and love her. God be with her. I know I wasn't perfect, but in the end I loved her unconditionally. If she lost both arms and legs I'd carry her in my arms. She on the other hand has wished me dead. I don't get it. She always looks for someone to take the lead. She'd let me wear the pants then accuses me of being controlling. Her parents were very controlling and still are. I guess when she met me she was looking for a replacement.
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