bguilliams100 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I've been dating a girl I've know casually for a few years. We played V-ball together and she showed interest in me but I always kind of shied away from dating her because she seemed like a party girl. Drinking a lot, flirting a lot, etc. As the years past she continued to show interest in me and I finally agreed to give it a shot. From the get go I explained to her that I was not looking for a girl who goes out drinking and partying all the time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy drinking casually with friends but I have no interest in going bar hopping or feel the need to go out for drinks once a week or so. She consistently seems to need to have that "social" experience where she goes out and drinks with whomever. I think she enjoys drinking and the environment. We had a large fight recently because she planned an after work social. She invited me, which is great but I didn't really want to go so I told her no thanks. I was a little unhappy that I was forced to either go drinking with people I don't know and have nothing in common with or to have her go out with a group of guys I've never met. She said she would leave by 6 and would call me on the way home so we could get together. By 7:15 with no word I was getting a little irritated. I called her and she did not answer the phone. I ended up going to the bar where she was and she was pretty drunk and was hanging out with about 4 guys from work. Nothing seemed to be inappropriate I looked for weird body language or looks from any of the guys. I had a few beers with her and her coworkers and we left. I expressed my displeasure that she was late leaving, drunk, and didn't answer her phone or communicate with me where she was or what was going on. She laughed at and told me to grow up. This made me very angry. I guess my question is do I continue dating someone who wants or needs to go out drinking a couple of times a month or more, with or without me when it is something that really bothers me? I think part of the reason it bothers me is in her past she was definitely a party girl and drank heavily and made some inappropriate choices sexually in my opinion. I think she has changed a bit but I feel like her being in these situations and environments is only asking for more of the same behavior. It causes me a lot of anxiety when she is out drinking with other men because I feel she may exhibit the same behavior. I'm not going to tell her to stop going out like this because if it's something she enjoys I don't want her to resent me. I just don't know if I can continue a relationship with this type of behavior. Are we just too different and need to go our separate ways? Other than this issue the relationship is great. I do trust her in many ways, just not when alcohol and strange men are involved. This is a new relationship so the trust levels are low as we've not had the time to build that trust. I just feel behavior like this is not trust building behavior which I feel is what we need to be doing at this point in the relationship if we want it to be successful and long term. I have talked to her about this and explained how it makes me feel and she has no intentions of changing this behavior. She says that's who she is and it's my problem if it bothers me and I need to get over it. Not sure what to do. I think my gut is telling me this is not going to work.
confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 honestly, like you said, it's only a couple times a month, which would equal to maybe once a week, which i think is pretty okay. she shouldn't have not answered your calls, and told you to grow up, but i think you might be a little restricing. she invites you out, but you don't want to go out, but not only that, you don't want her to go out either. you knew she partied and drank before you guys dated, so did you think it was going to change after you got in the picture? my ex was like that, i only went out once 2 weeks to party, and he wouldn't go with me but he didn't like that i went, and we would have a huge fight every time i came home, and for me, i gave up, and resorted to only partying on birthdays and special occasions, but then again, we're no longer together and i never loved clubbing, its just a good way to bond with friends. lol. did you give her guy friends a true try first? i see that you mentioned that they were strange, lol. if she was hanging around strange and random guys, yes, that's a problem, but if she was just hanging out with co workers, then you have to trust her, unless she was exhibiting behaviour that you do not like in front of guys like flirting, grinding, etc. but it's up to you, no one is wrong, but maybe you guys are at different stages of your life, you're ready to settle down, and she still likes to party, and you have to see if you're able to live with that, or just cut your losses and move on (easier said then done, i know)
fabulousgal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You seem like you judge her. If that's the case, you should do her a favor at break it off. It was rude of her to blow you off, drinking is no excuse. But she's not some disturbed soul because she likes to be social, plan events and they involve drinking. How old is she? Most girls who go out drink etc don't really feel the need to slow down until they get to about 27+. This is not fact based of course I am just thinking about how my friends who drink have changed over the years.
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