Author Nuala83 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I had another long talk with the ex last night (he called me begging to hear what he had to say). He talked a lot about making things right and earning trust and how he'll wait till the end of time for me yada yada yada....but something isn't right. He's being deceitful I know he is. My instinct is screaming at me to back the hell away from him! There's so much more to this that I know about. I'm sure of it.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Well whadya know, my instincts were right! He made a big deal of telling me he was gonna delete all the pics of him and his "friend". He said he was gonna do it today and I should check if I didn't believe him. So I did. He did indeed delete all photos of her on the networking sites that he knows I know about. Thing is, I just reactivated my facebook for the first time in 2 months. Now I'd already deleted him as a friend so I wouldn't be tempted to check his page so I couldn't view that but I was able to search for him and what did I find? A pic of him in her flat! Not a good start. Then I checked his friends list and surprise surprise, she's still there. Can't say I'm not a little crushed but I was better prepared this time. He doesn't know any of this. I don't see any point in telling him. I guess he doesn't truly want me back, he just doesn't want me gone for good and he's sensing that's where I'm headed. He's right!
wow123 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I recently went through something very similar. After dumping me she came back looking to reconcile. I pretended that I didn't know she had dated someone else as I thought they had broken up since she came back. Well, through networking sites and pictures I came to find that they were still together and the reconciliation process broke down. Not only are they heartless enough to do this but dumb enough to post evidence on the internet.
wanjirum Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Hi everyone thank you so much for the insight, I think I will send her a text just to be polite. Nuala I am shocked though, but I guess it goes to show his motives are not pure. However did you verify the photo you found of him and her are not in tagged photos, which might have been added by someone else hence he can't delete them, if they aren't on his own album. But I have to say one thing I have always learnt is following your inner voice, is something doesn't smell right then it is right to be weary. But do not give him the power in your life again to bring out such strong emotions whether it is love or anger now. We the (dumpees) have devoted too much time and energy and I now consciously ensure that I do not devote anymore time to him and his 'affairs'. I would suggest call divert would be the way to go. Perhaps he is looking for self validation or some form of 'absolution' ... who knows and once he gets it, he will be out the door just like the last time. I listen to this song when I need that bit of a reassurance that I am doing the right thing : http://www.metacafe.com/watch/sy-23635952/chantay_savage_i_will_survive_official_music_video/ Hope it all works out. If he is sincere then he should know pressing delete is not the best way, to say the least for him to express his love and win you back. Perhaps you should do some investigative work from mutual friends and ensure you do not reveal anything to them. Just to try and figure out where his bearings are ??? * (Hope this helps, stay strong ....)
Author Nuala83 Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Thanks for all the great advice/replies. Here's an update on my situation: A few days ago I ran into my ex when I was walking around the city. I just happened to be stuffing my face with a bar of chocolate at the time so it was kind of embarassing but when I saw him I just froze and changed direction to avoid him. Unfortunately we had made eye contact at the exact same time and he tried to approach me. I quickened my pace, turned a corner (thinking I'd got rid of him) and went into a shop. No sooner had I heaved a sigh of relief though than he appeared right in front of my face (he'd snuck in the side entrance). He grabbed my arm and said "Nuala please we have to talk" I said I wasn't interested and I had to go but he stood in front of me. I said we had nothing to discuss and he said "Please I want to undo all the bad things I've done, I need you to know how sorry I am". I took his hand off my arm, told him I didn't want to see him and walked out of the shop. When I left I immediately walked down a side alley away from the crowd and watched as he left the shop, looked around for me, then left. It felt terrible. I felt dreadfull for days afterwards but then yesterday I recieved a letter from him. I opened it up and I was stunned to find a 6 page apology letter! In it he expresssed how sorry he was, how stupid he had been and how he wishes he could turn back time and take away the hurt he caused me. He told me everything he had been up to in the past 6 months. He told me that he'd taken up smoking again, he'd started drinking way too much and he'd been out partying most nights. He told me that the girl he was seen with was a friend and nothing more. He told me that when he had wanted to go out clubbing every night, she always wanted to go with him and he wanted someone to party with. He told me that he'd only recently realised what a mess he'd made of things and how he and this girl had nothing else in common apart from liking to drink and go out. He told me that he'd deleted all the pics of her, told her he didn't want to see her again and even made his facebook page public so he could prove to me he had nothing to hide. He also admitted to me that a few weeks ago she'd kissed him in a bar and he'd kissed her back. He told me he expected nothing from me but he wanted me to know that he desperately wanted me back and would do whatever he could to make it happen. There was more to the letter than that but like I said it was 6 pages. After reading the letter over ad over again I decided to call him and I couldn't believe it, he actually cried on the phone! He asked me if I would come out and meet him and I agreed. We went to a quiet part of town and sat on a bench and talked for AGES. I told him how much all the things he said and did hurt me. He said he never knew he was capable of being so cruel and if I let him he would prove that he could make it up to me. I said I didn't think we could go back to how we were. He paused at that moment and said "We can, I know we can. We had so many good times together and we can have more". The whole meetup was very emotional and draining. I decided I should go and although he kept trying to persuade me to stay I left anyways and he walked me back (I hadn't asked him to but he insisted). When I said goodbye to him he tried to hug me but I flinched. I didn't want him to touch me. All this has come as a big surprise. I don't know what to do now!!!
wanjirum Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hi Nuala, Reading your post has reaffirmed my hope for second chances. I think he has proved that he wants things to be different this time round. I hope his enthusiasm wasn't motivated by the challenge of getting you back, or self validation or absolution. Otherwise this would lead to an unfortunate sequence of events if you do get back together. My advice for you would be to meditate. Do whatever that helps you reach inner peace and listen ti your inner core. Lock yourself from the outside world, and seriously weigh out the situation in your mind and your emotions. Eveyone is human and makes mistakes. The only thing I would caution you on is: if you decide to give this a second try around. Be sure that this time round he is aware that things cannot go back to normal. It would have to be a fresh start in which the lessons learnt from your previous relationship together are implemented into this new relationship, so that the same old mistakes do not reoccur. In closing, I know he hurt you, but in your hearts of hearts, if you do feel he is being sincere, but apply caution. No relationship, nor marriage is a bed of roses. I blame society and the fairytale illusion it depicts of a union of two individuals. Like anything in life it takes hard work from both parties and commitment !!! There are good times and bad times. However it is how we work through these hard times that determine how successful the relationship is. He hurt you yes, but do you love him enough to forgive him. True love is unconditional !!! Hope this helps. Keep as posted !!! In my case I am back to NC, broke it after he started contacting me, but I am back to NC, since I am going home in two weeks. But I do plan on texting his mum.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Hi Nuala, Reading your post has reaffirmed my hope for second chances. I hope his enthusiasm wasn't motivated by the challenge of getting you back, or self validation or absolution. Otherwise this would lead to an unfortunate sequence of events if you do get back together. No relationship, nor marriage is a bed of roses. I blame society and the fairytale illusion it depicts of a union of two individuals. Like anything in life it takes hard work from both parties and commitment !!! There are good times and bad times. However it is how we work through these hard times that determine how successful the relationship is. I really hope that he doesn't just want me back because he sees it as a challenge and you're right, if that turns out to be the case, things will unravel very quickly. You're right though about no relationship being perfect. No person is perfect and I feel like I have no place to judge other people by their mistakes when I've made so many of my own. I'm not even sure at this point if I want reconciliation but I am willing for us to start talking and see how things go. It'll be hard work but since he's had the b*lls to apologise and admit his mistakes, I'm gonna put in my share of effort too. I am holding back a bit at the moment but that's only natural. Early days yet, very early days. I'm glad this has reaffirmed your hopes for a second chance. 6 months ago I never imagined myself being in this position. I was beginning to think that was it, all hope was lost...but it just goes to show you never know what's around the corner. Sorry you have to go back to NC again and good luck with your situation!
wanjirum Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I would stick with what you are doing right now, applying caution. You can test the waters but don't jump in. I am not one for games though, but at times I learnt you have to love selfishly to protect yourself. Hope it works out. Sounds like he is really serious !!! I hope it works out for the best also . At least you are coming back on the forum to motivate us 'we of little hope' .
wanjirum Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hi Nuala, Please tell me what you think .... Well I made a big mistake (I think), so after a week and a half of NC, which I went back into confused after he reinstated communication. Anyway yesterday I caved into the pressure also under the idea if he begun contact perhaps we should try out being friends and see how that goes for a while. Perhaps the re-establishment of our friendship will pave the way for our relationship ???? So I called and we had a short conversation, because he was having dinner with a relative who was flying out. But in the beginning he did mention I have been lost .... don't want to highlight this too much, but at least he realised. Perhaps he misses me ???? Then we went on chatting and he kept asking me when I am going home and he wants me to bring him something from duty free. I know I am barely scratching the surface here ... but why keep asking is it because he misses me and want to see me. Or perhaps he just wants me to bring his item from duty free. Anyway the other annoying thing is, he never called me back and it is so aggravating. Is he not maintaining contact because he can't be asked or is he just so caught up in work ??? What should I do from here?
Author Nuala83 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Hi Nuala, Please tell me what you think .... Well I made a big mistake (I think), so after a week and a half of NC, which I went back into confused after he reinstated communication. Anyway yesterday I caved into the pressure also under the idea if he begun contact perhaps we should try out being friends and see how that goes for a while. Perhaps the re-establishment of our friendship will pave the way for our relationship ???? I feel weird when people ask me for advice because I can barely sort out my own situation First of all with the duty free item, it sounds like he just wants you to bring him something from duty free. I can't be sure on that but unless you pick up any signs of strong regard on his part, there probably aren't any....just now anyways. When he reinstigated contact, how was it? Did he seem eager to talk to you? Are you happy to have a friendship with him if that's all on offer? Is he with someone else? Someone told me (on another site) that being friends with a dumper when there's someone else in the picture can actually encourage their relationship to blossom and I thought that was absurd but now I realise it makes perfect sense! When someone's in a new relationship it seems perfect but as time goes on and differences become apparant, they have to make the decision wether to carry on with the relationship or 'jump ship'. Now if someone else is in the picture (an ex) acting as a friend, it makes it easier for the new relationship to flourish because they have moral support (from the ex) and a shiny new girlfriend (for other things!). They get the best of both worlds. I do believe it's possible for people to restart a friendship after a breakup and eventually get back together but if it can cause a lot of pain which is probably why it's so rare. I have another question to ask. If the relationship's long distance, even if you were to get back together, how would you be able to make it work?
wanjirum Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hi Nuala, I understand where you are coming from, I shouldn't scrape for breadcrumbs when it might just be as simple as it seems. In reference to the question yes he is with someone right now, but he has left her on several occasions sighting reasons he is tired with it and also when he has found someone new (who coincidentally also flew out to further her studies). I understand what you mean by the best of both worlds. What is confusing me right now is, when he did reinstate contact he was insinuating and at times outright saying he misses me, furthermore he was also making all these sexual innuendos. However when it became apparent I was not due home for a while, the frequency of the calls have gone back to zero. She is the direct opposite of me (which I find interesting, I read in a sight usually a rebound is the direct opposite on you, and your ex is concentrating on the differences whilst the situation seems rosy. However after some time, they begin missing you and see the differences and find them unattractive. This is when he established contact three months ago sadly again our distance would prove to be an impairment. However right now I am unsure about where things lie with them, but I do believe he has been spending less time with her. In reference to our distance I would still love to work on it, regardless of the distance things were pretty good until Jan. What do you think I should do when I go home ??? Secondly do you think there might be hope ????
Author Nuala83 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Update I'm just back from spending a lovely day with my ex. We didn't do anything particularly special, we just met up, had a bite to eat and caught up with each other. He'd been asking me for days when we could meet up and after a lot of thought I finally agreed to today. I didn't mention the relationship once because I didn't want to make the meeting something it wasn't. It was just a chance for us to get to know each other again. He wanted me to stay and he told me on a couple of occasions how sorry he was for everything that had happened. I'm feeling remarkably calm about things as they stand right now. Now that I know I can live without him (even if it is tough) I don't think I'll be too crushed if he decides he doesn't want me back OR if I decide I don't want him back. Also knowing that he still feels something for me makes me boosts my ego a little bit, which is always nice. Either way I'm gonna be ok Wanjirum, it's really hard for me to say wether there's any hope or not because I don't know you or him for that matter. I like to think that if there was once a strong, commited, happy relationship there then there should be a chance for reconciliation. But I know from first hand that distance is a major factor in keeping people apart (and I was only 1 hour apart from my ex) and he's with someone else so that complicates things further. People do get back together regardless of rebounds but it sounds to me like distance is your biggest hurdle and I don't know what you can do about that.
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