How to get over the end of my affair

[drmcdreamy]

Trying to keep it short:

• Married a long time; had never been with anyone besides my wife
  
• Home relationship good, but of course has its dings like any relationship this old (> 20 years)
  
• Had a good friend at work for years; she went through divorce (abusive husband); we talked a lot about each of our relationships; realized that we had both been attracted to each other emotionally and physically for a long time
  
• One thing led to the next; fell "in love", decided to have a "summer fling" last summer - get it "out of our systems"? provide something we both wanted and/or needed (excitement/love/passion/friendship/confidence/pride for me? love/safety/ability to trust a man again for her?)
  
• Said that at the end of the summer we'd end it because we should both move on and return our relationship to a "normal" friendship, but of course with some really great, special, secret memories. Neither of us wanted my family to be torn apart; she needed/deserved more than a MM could provide
  
• She called an end to the affair last fall when she started dating someone else; physical ended immediately
  

Here's the kicker: she seems willing and able to return to a friendship like we had before. I'm having a ton of trouble with it, especially since we see each other at work. I really miss her - the way we had each other emotionally last summer (I'm actually o.k. about the end of the physical). Sometimes I want to do everything I can to get every second with her I can; other times I think I can't bear to ever see or talk to her again. Again, my relationship at home seems not horrible (if anything, I think I've been able to be more loving and attentive, even while the affair was going on. I'm trying to make it up to my wife for my transgression, even though she doesn't know about it. I'm trying to give and get those things on my list above at home, and it is going much better). But I can't deny that I'm still in love with the OW too. It hurts to be around her and not be able to talk like we were. It hurts to see her with her new guy. But it hurts when we avoid each other too. It all hurts.

 

I'm guessing 99% of you will say that I should do everything I can to have as little contact as possible, forever, because that's the only way I'll really move on from the emotional affair. But why is it she doesn't have this problem? Am I being a jerk if I can't uphold my promise to not let last summer destroy the true friendship we had in the first place? Why can't I return to the way we were before last summer? Why can't I just be happy with the memories of what we had and be happy for the "normal" friendship we're "supposed" to have from here out (like she is).

 

What do I do? What's wrong with me?

[Devil Inside]

Well you called it: end all contact with her, especially if you want to stay married. She is not hurting like you because she moved on to a new guy.

 

If you want to heal and really be present in your marriage then no contact is the only way to go.

[ScarLettIsle]

i'm in the same boat with u - but i want to know why mine couldn't be "friends" again - thats the way we started - thats how i ended up attracted to him - he went NC on me... losing my "friend" hurts like HELL...

and making me start to hate him i think

[GrayClouds]

i suggest focusing on the spouse you lied and cheated on and every time you feel a bit of pain think how they would feel if they knew what you were up to.

[becky2009]

I am in a similiar situation, but we agreed that we would not consider quiting our jobs rights now, I coluld not handle "breaking up" and never seeing my best friend again all at once.

I think you are in love with her and thats why you are having problems moving on, but it also sounds like you still love your wife, I would agree with the other post...try to focus on your wife

Also throw yourself into your work, stay as busy as possible, give it a little time and consider the problems you would face if things had continued.

Be thankful it ended without things blowing up!

Good Luck

[greenparrot]

let the affair go period. she obviously doesnt love you, she has someone else.

next focus on your wife, if you cant then dont hurt her more and let her go as well.

 

sorry, this makes me a little angry as I was cheated on.

[CaliGuy]

Trying to keep it short:

• Married a long time; had never been with anyone besides my wife
  
• Home relationship good, but of course has its dings like any relationship this old (> 20 years)
  
• Had a good friend at work for years; she went through divorce (abusive husband); we talked a lot about each of our relationships; realized that we had both been attracted to each other emotionally and physically for a long time
  
• One thing led to the next; fell "in love", decided to have a "summer fling" last summer - get it "out of our systems"? provide something we both wanted and/or needed (excitement/love/passion/friendship/confidence/pride for me? love/safety/ability to trust a man again for her?)
  
• Said that at the end of the summer we'd end it because we should both move on and return our relationship to a "normal" friendship, but of course with some really great, special, secret memories. Neither of us wanted my family to be torn apart; she needed/deserved more than a MM could provide
  
• She called an end to the affair last fall when she started dating someone else; physical ended immediately
  

Here's the kicker: she seems willing and able to return to a friendship like we had before. I'm having a ton of trouble with it, especially since we see each other at work. I really miss her - the way we had each other emotionally last summer (I'm actually o.k. about the end of the physical). Sometimes I want to do everything I can to get every second with her I can; other times I think I can't bear to ever see or talk to her again. Again, my relationship at home seems not horrible (if anything, I think I've been able to be more loving and attentive, even while the affair was going on. I'm trying to make it up to my wife for my transgression, even though she doesn't know about it. I'm trying to give and get those things on my list above at home, and it is going much better). But I can't deny that I'm still in love with the OW too. It hurts to be around her and not be able to talk like we were. It hurts to see her with her new guy. But it hurts when we avoid each other too. It all hurts.

 

I'm guessing 99% of you will say that I should do everything I can to have as little contact as possible, forever, because that's the only way I'll really move on from the emotional affair. But why is it she doesn't have this problem? Am I being a jerk if I can't uphold my promise to not let last summer destroy the true friendship we had in the first place? Why can't I return to the way we were before last summer? Why can't I just be happy with the memories of what we had and be happy for the "normal" friendship we're "supposed" to have from here out (like she is).

 

What do I do? What's wrong with me?

 

Wow, you really broke all the rules.

 

You had an affair and you did it, no less, with a co-worker. What you're experiencing now is the fruit of your (and her) bad decision. Honestly, you are being unfair to your wife. I mean, did you really mean those marriage vows (for better or for worse?!).

 

You went down a road that almost everyone will tell you not to go down. You need to speak to a counselor to decide what you should do. We can all give you advice but honestly, you can't expect things to go back to the way they were.

 

The dynamics have changed and it'll never go back to the way it was.

[2sunny]

love/safety/ability to trust a man again for her

 

 

you are both fooling yourselves with this thought process. if you are honest - you will know that she couldn't begin to trust you, love you or feel safe with you. you made vows with another woman, you aren't available to her so it was all a delusion. she knows that. she decided to quit fooling herself and get an available man.

 

 

she needed/deserved more than a MM could provide

 

well then - she took action on this - and her actions say more than her words. she wanted and deserved more... can't blame a gal - you are unavailable.

 

move forward with your wife. tell her the truth, that's a good place to start the healing... how can she fix something if you don't tell her something has been wrong enough for you to engage in an affair? would you want to know the truth if you were in your wife's position? have an idea that you need to work on things? that's a good place to start - honesty.

 

second thing... quit the job. make money somewhere else. being around her continues to be a reminder of what you can't have. not fair to anyone... especially your wife. she thinks you are only going to work everyday...

[drmcdreamy]

i'm in the same boat with u - but i want to know why mine couldn't be "friends" again - thats the way we started - thats how i ended up attracted to him - he went NC on me... losing my "friend" hurts like HELL...

and making me start to hate him i think

 

All I can say is that maybe he feels like I do - he still wants to be WAY more than "just friends" with you, and he had to face the same decision I am - will it hurt less to be "just friends" and have to live with that, or will it hurt less to have no contact and hopefully you'll be entirely out of his mind someday. Either way, trust me that he's hurting and he misses you and he's just trying to preserve his sanity.

 

To summarize everything I said - the only way I'm not going to feel pain is if I could clone myself so that one of me could be with the OW. Since that can't happen, I'm faced with a choice of imperfect options, and am struggling to figure out which is the least painful of my choices. Please don't be had at him. I'm sorry you're hurting too, and I'll be sorry if I can't be a friend to my OW too and she ends up hurting also.

[drmcdreamy]

i suggest focusing on the spouse you lied and cheated on and every time you feel a bit of pain think how they would feel if they knew what you were up to.

 

That's very resonable advice. Indirectly, your comment (and some others) lead to the question (that I've been having) about whether it's possible to be in love with two different people at the same time, or if falling in love with the OW somehow means I don't love my wife. Some would say "If you truly loved your wife, it would've been impossible to fall in love with someone else." Others would say that it's only natural to fall in love (but of course, I shouldn't have acted on those feelings). I think your idea is to remember the one I love (and what I did to her) in the hopes that it'll make me stop thinking of the other one I love.

 

Please know that I don't take lightly what I did (before, during, or after). I am not perfect and am just trying to make it through the stormy seas of life the best I can.

 

Thanks to all the advice so far. Keep it coming!