jumi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Im one week into a ten week separation from my SO who is studying abroad. anyway, we've been together for 15 months, he is an amazing guy and probably much more than i deserve (or ever thought i could have). i've always trusted him, and i also firmly believe that allowing each other room for other friendships is healthy. he tends to be the guy to have mostly girl friends, he's just very sweet and friendly. this doesnt bother me, i know he loves me. i've been doing pretty good with him being away until i went on facebook this morning and saw a post from another girl. this girl he somehow ran into accidentally on facebook and she lives in the uk, (im in the US, he is abroad in Ireland right now). they've become friends messaging each other, for probably a year now, and this hasnt bothered me really all that much because I trust his love in me. but now I am kind of on-edge because now he is maybe less than 3 or so hours away from her while I am across an ocean right now. and she posted on his wall, asking how his flight was, called him "hun" and signed it wiht a kiss "x". she's gorgeous, and interesting. but my SO has been open about the messages he sends he, he's told me about her, just conversation, so he's not hiding anything. but after reading that post i couldnt stop crying this morning, it just tore me up inside and i fell apart completely. i think that's just her personality maybe, and he didn't reply to her affectionately, just sweet like he always is. but i know he admires her and finds her cute, but i am also confident that he loves me. im just so afraid of losing him. i only want him to be happy and make him happy, so how do i tell him that this girl is tearing me apart without hurting him and making it seem like i dont trust him? i just can't handle all this
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 The chatting is one thing. But should I ever see a girl calling my boo boo hun and signing notes with kisses, houston we'd have a problem, and he knows that. It isn't about him cheating or not, it's about I should never have to be subjected to seeing something that would hurt me like that. I also don't allow other men to do the same to me, EVEN if it's "just how they are" I don't allow them to speak to me or make comments in a flirty manner that would hurt my bf; he doesn't even look at my pages really but I still KNOW "ok this would hurt him." Just tell him how it makes you feel; you don't have to yell or be accusatory just be honest with what it causes you to feel and how you would like him to behave. We have a ground rule between us that neither of us ever physically spends time with the opposite sex alone. You just need to do the same, and you will both feel better. He'll know he isn't hurting you and you won't wake up one morning to find what you did and be hurt.
Author jumi Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 thank you so much, and you're right. i really just wasn't sure how to react. i was staring at my monitor for 10 solid minutes this morning, just going back and forth between emailing him or waiting. i chose to wait to clear my head. im waiting to hear from him right now.
Author jumi Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 ps. do you think there is anything i could say to that girl? i can msg her on facebook. i dont intend to be nasty or anything, she's a good person from what i know. i just think that maybe if she is aware of how she is inadvertantly hurting me, she might stop
Bearandsue Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Well my bear knows i am a jealous person and so is he......I have seen girls leave cute little comments on his facebook and I have came straight out and said hey "whats up with that". Talk to him about it. Communication is key to any relationship..LDR or not. Don't hold it all in. By the way welcome to our LDR family!
TMichaels Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Jumi, Just so you know, calling people "hun" seems to be rather popular in the UK in casual conversation and doesn't necessarily mean there's any close emotional or other attachment there. If you want affirmation, hang out for a while in some of the UK chat rooms and you'll see what I mean. As odd as it sounds, signing messages with "XOXO" or the equivalent also doesn't seem to be that unusual in that part of the world. I've had people I've barely spoken to leave messages with that "sign-off" just to indicate that they wished me well. So, what I am trying to say is (to coin a UK phrase) "before you get your knickers in a twist" about this girl, her message is probably is much less damning than you think. I would, however, as others have suggested, mention to your b/f that it made you uncomfortable. But, I don't think I would make *him* uncomfortable by contacting the girl and giving her a piece of your mind as she's likely to mention it to him which makes you look like a very clingy, jealous g/f instead of being secure in your relationship and trusting him. HTH Best, TMichaels
Mrs_AJ Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Hiya Jumi, It is true that in the UK you'll have complete strangers calling you darling and hun. We don't place much attachment to it. My SO was surprised that I called other ppl hun. I told him I call you baby but I call all my girlfriends hun, darling, sweetheart etc. Worry if I call someone else baby! With regards to contacting the girl - cringe, cringe. I'm sorry Jumi but I'd find that really uncomfortable. It's bout you and your boyfriend - always. You're team A. Place little importance on others who may/may not interfere with your relationship. If you guys are good then all is well. Just tell your boyfriend in a mature way how you feel about the girl leaving him such messages. He may see it from your perspective and be understanding and appreciate that you told him, or he may think that you're blowing things out of proportion. If it made you cry it's worth talking about it. Wish you the best, Sally
AnnPod Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 For your own sake, stop going crazy. It means nothing, you know that by yourself, and there is no reason to cry over sth like that. I mean why are you so dramatic anyway? 10 weeks of being apart, I have not seen my boyfriend for almost 2 months, and it's gonna be like this until we have figured out something. And there are a lot of people here who have to deal with situations like mine or worse. I know what you are describing though, it feels really very uncomfortable. But just think, with this kind of jealousy you are creating a very very unfomfortable situation for you boyfriend as well. And you should never try to prevent him from meeting other people, separations are hard to take, and friends (no matter if male or female) make it easier. This lack of trust is your problem, and not something going wrong in your relationship as you describe it. So you have to work on it yourself to deal with it. There are a lot of nice girls in the world who live closer to him than the girl who wrote on his wall, and you can not go crazy for each and everyone. I know this sounds tough, but I can tell from my own experience that the only way to deal with those feelings is act like a grown-up and stop the drama. Oh and one practical advice: Why don't you just tell your friend to hide his facebook wall, because this bothers you (and do the same)? No posts from mystery girls, so no one has a reason to freak out
Author jumi Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Please don't get me wrong; I didn't freak out, it was the straw that broke the camel's back after other stress and anxiety had been building. I don't know if any of you felt this way but it seems that the first week away can be the hardest, just sorting out your emotions and everything. I'm not a jealous girl either, neither is he... this is not about jealousy but about my (irrational) insecurities and somewhat low self-esteem. I mean, I have respect for myself, but even a year gone by with this relationship I still find it amazing that a guy like him loves me (before him I never understood what any guy could see in me.. I know, really horrible thought for my self esteem. I just didn't think of myself as boyfriend material). So really, I just don't want to lose him, Ive never loved anyone more than him. I hope this isn't making any of you cringe, I feel like I gave everyone the wrong impression of me. But anyway, I did email him that her post made me uncomfortable and he said the best thing he could which was reassuring how much he loves me and that he'd never mean to hurt me. No, I never talked to the girl either. Glad I didn't. So thank you for the reassuring posts; I'm not sure why I reacted the way I did.
espearite Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 So thank you for the reassuring posts; I'm not sure why I reacted the way I did. To me, you had every right to be upset and concerned. You can't see what he's doing over there, trustworthy guy or not. News flash: You can never trust a man enough.
TMichaels Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 News flash: You can never trust a man enough. Wow! That's a rather sweeping statement isn't it? What ever makes you believe that's true? Best, TMichaels
Lovin a scrapper Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 To me, you had every right to be upset and concerned. You can't see what he's doing over there, trustworthy guy or not. News flash: You can never trust a man enough. Thanks for lumping of us all together because of the actions of others. Much appreciated. Best of luck with your relationship with that kind of thinking.
espearite Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Thanks for lumping of us all together because of the actions of others. Much appreciated. Best of luck with your relationship with that kind of thinking. The only man you can completely trust is God.
TMichaels Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 The only man you can completely trust is God. Geez. Hope you're not planning on having a family. News Flash: That immaculate conception thing has already been done. As LAS said, best of luck to you... TMichaels
SuburbanOblivion Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I fully admit to being a bit jealous, and whenever someone has left a message on SO's FB or whatever that makes me uncomfortable I make a point of replying to the thread as well. Never be rude or anything, just making yourself part of the conversation is enough to remind the person there is a girlfriend in the picture. It sounds like you handled it very well. I have in the past sometimes gotten upset with SO in those situations, and it's not fair to him, so I try to remember that. You can't control what other people say to you, you can only be held accountable for your own behavior and whether you initiate or encourage those comments, and *generally* the SO has done nothing wrong. Doesn't make it any easier not to see red when you see those types of things though. :/ Kudos to you on great communication with your man
Author jumi Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I fully admit to being a bit jealous, and whenever someone has left a message on SO's FB or whatever that makes me uncomfortable I make a point of replying to the thread as well. Never be rude or anything, just making yourself part of the conversation is enough to remind the person there is a girlfriend in the picture. It sounds like you handled it very well. I have in the past sometimes gotten upset with SO in those situations, and it's not fair to him, so I try to remember that. You can't control what other people say to you, you can only be held accountable for your own behavior and whether you initiate or encourage those comments, and *generally* the SO has done nothing wrong. Doesn't make it any easier not to see red when you see those types of things though. :/ Kudos to you on great communication with your man thanks, nice to hear that, sometimes you can't tell what is right and wrong (well I guess that is all in perspective anyway). im happy with the way it went; what help was the fact that he has been open to me about the fact that he is pen pals with this girl, so he is not afraid to tell me... ie. he trusts the strength of our relationship... but it was still startling to see that especially in the sting of having recently been separated. (SuburbanOblivion) I noticed your SO is also in Ireland... mine too ... studying abroad?
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