xOM just told me I was his best friend

[taylor]

I have begun NC with xOM although I have not sent a NC email to him. Should I even do that? xOM should get the message with me just not responding right?

 

He dumped you, told you you deserved better, and went back to his wife.

 

Why would you need to send him a NC letter? Send him NOTHING. That tells him you have moved on..and he should to.

 

This man is wishy-washy. He's unhappy in his marriage but doesn't want to leave it either. He e-mailed you because he's vascillating again...maybe had a little fight with his wife...and he's contemplating a possible affair? You interested?

 

If not, stay NC. No e-mail necessary. Block, block, block.

[lkjh]

So, if this is what guys say when they want to get in a girl's pants

 

what does a guy say when he really does love you, has never felt that way before, and considers the woman his best friend?

 

My H said all those things to me, got in my pants, AND married me. Go figure.

 

 

 

 

 

The act hurts the marriage, the lying hurts the marriage, and the confession also hurts the marriage. It's hurt upon hurt upon hurt.

 

Actually, I had a spiritual leader tell me to keep my EA under wraps. She said if the EA is over (it was) that there was no reason to hurt my husband any further by confessing it. She told me I should bear the guilt on my own, ask God for forgiveness, and work furiously to repair my marriage.

 

I didn't listen to her. Husband already had suspicions and the minute he questioned me I dumped it all on him. Got rid of my guilt but nearly killed him.

 

It's been 1.5 years now. Sometimes I question whether it was the right thing to do. Husband says it was.

 

Most marital recovery programs will also tell you it's best to tell because trust needs to be restored in a marriage and trust is built on openess and honesty. Can't rebuild trust while hiding a secret.

 

The only way you will know if the guy actually cares about you is to make him show it. Your husband married you so obviously he loves you. The op has some 21 year old guy that has a long term gf, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he is just trying to get some. Also, he was the one that cut this off. If he truly loved her and considered her his best friend he would not have ended it.

 

The not tell method is just a cowards way out. They are telling someone that cheated on their husband to now cheat them out of the rest of their life. You did the right thing by confessing, and your husband is proof of that

[lkjh]

So, basically, what you're saying is that all men are liars and nothing they say can be believed because it's all about sex. Interesting....

 

You like using the words 'cop out' because you have an attitude about this whole topic and refuse to look at things from all perspectives. And, contrary to popular belief, cheating is not what hurt her marriage. Unless the person is a serial cheater (which applies only in a few cases) then there were problems that drove her over the edge in the first place. I'm not supporting cheating it's just that I always love how the spouse who was cheated on suddenly becomes a saint and has no responsibility for the marriage falling apart. But, believe me, when someone is willing to cheat, they bascially have stopped caring completely about the marriage and are willing to risk losing it. Something drove them to that point, whether you choose to admit that or not. That's not to say the choice to cheat was ok, I'm just saying that when people no longer care, all bets are off. That's just human nature.

 

I recommended that she not tell her husband because that's what I would want my spouse to do for me. If my marriage was rocking along pretty well and he had an affair a few years back during a bad phase of our marriage, I would not want to know about it. Call it what you want but I don't think relationships are all about the 'tell all' when it has to be weighed against causing irreparable pain and damage. Sometimes, the kindness is in keeping your guilt to yourself and leaving the other person in peace.

 

Nobody said that the bs has no responsibility for the marriage problems but only one party is to blame for the cheating. Cheating is a character flaw not a symptom. There are hundreds of ways of dealing with problems and cheating is never one of them.

 

Don't try to make me out to be close minded because I think she should tell. People who say never confess just think about themselves and not confessing is a cop out. Not telling is the cowards way out, plain and simple.

 

To the OP,

if you really don't care about your husband enough to confess then you should divorce him. You have made a fool out of him and you continue disrespecting him. Also, you can not complain anymore about him having female friends considering what you have done and what you refuse to do.

[fooled once]

I never understand why someone wants to send an email saying don't email me

 

That is just silly.

 

If the original poster REALLY was NC, then the xOP's email would have been blocked.

 

I am on the fence about telling a spouse. As a spouse, damn right I would want to know if my husband was boinking someone else. If I was a cheater, of COURSE I wouldn't want to tell.

 

If the original poster is TRULY serious about not having contact, then there wouldn't even be a question of 'should I send a closure email' and the email would have been blocked.

 

In this case, I don't think the poster is serious and I DO think the husband should be told because maybe that would be what was needed in order to stop this affair.

 

And I hate seeing posts where the betrayed spouse is blamed for the other spouse cheating Seriously? That is the biggest joke.

 

IF there are problems in the marriage - both parties need to OWN their issues and either WORK on them or end the marriage. Just because there are problems doesn't mean one gets to cheat. You can be married to the worst spouse in the world, but the answer isn't an affair. The answer is counseling and/or a divorce.

[jwi71]

It may be possible to get over the affair without telling but it will not be possible to repair the marriage unless the OP tells her husband. I have been in her position and it was only through full disclosure that my husband and I were able to look at the problems we had and deal with them. Otherwise all the problems that orginally led to the affair are still there like a ticking time bomb.

 

You beat me to it Annie.

 

I for one, and I suppose most who read my posts know what Im about to say...er type, you should tell.

 

Because NOT telling leaves the wound. It replaces true remorse, true forgiveness, true intimacy with a lie. How can you possibly be close with this wall between you - and make no mistake its a wall. That little secret will ALWAYS be there...always in the way...always in the back of your mind. Very much like how you feel with HIS affairs...and the lack of forgiveness.

 

Now...I know you say things are great. But I m willing to bet that its overcompensation because of the A and will end - just a matter of time. And then what? Back to the same lack of forgiveness? The same marital discord?

 

Maybe your M should continue. I suppose, in my view, when each cheats on the other the fabric of a M is well in tatters. And w/o each partner openly and honestly communicating, talking, healing, forgiving...its a sham. Why stay? Old patterns are being repeated. Its the same ol' **** so to speak.

 

I would tell. Sit your H down in MC and confess. And if the M ends...so be it (In my eyes, its not sounding very healthy to me). And if, in the absence of the wall, you guys draw closer instead of continuing to lie and cheat...well awesome. A marriage with open honesty and NO secrets.

 

My two cents if its even worth that.

[Angel1111]

Nobody said that the bs has no responsibility for the marriage problems but only one party is to blame for the cheating. Cheating is a character flaw not a symptom. There are hundreds of ways of dealing with problems and cheating is never one of them.

 

Don't try to make me out to be close minded because I think she should tell. People who say never confess just think about themselves and not confessing is a cop out. Not telling is the cowards way out, plain and simple.

 

To the OP,

if you really don't care about your husband enough to confess then you should divorce him. You have made a fool out of him and you continue disrespecting him. Also, you can not complain anymore about him having female friends considering what you have done and what you refuse to do.

 

You can call it whatever you want - but when people feel backed into a corner, i.e, trapped, they typically don't make rational decisions. Also, to be isolated and betrayed in a marriage is a very lonely and confusing feeling. Marriage is a very tangled web so I try not to make judgements about people and their behavior in these situations because of the intensity of that web. This is why cheating happens so often. I call it human nature, whether we like that aspect of our natures or not.

 

I wouldn't cheat because I know the damage it can do. But if a person has never cheated and is naive enough, or other factors come into play, they may not understand what a drastic mistake it is until they've done it; or they may simply not care in that particular moment because they've been pushed too far.

 

And, btw, you're painting a picture of her husband like he's a saint. She said that he cheated numerous times before she did. He was begging for what he got as far as I'm concerned. He doesn't even know the meaning of respect, nor does he deserve it in return. If they're managing to piece it all together at this point, good for them. Leave the past in the past.

[lkjh]

You can call it whatever you want - but when people feel backed into a corner, i.e, trapped, they typically don't make rational decisions. Also, to be isolated and betrayed in a marriage is a very lonely and confusing feeling. Marriage is a very tangled web so I try not to make judgements about people and their behavior in these situations because of the intensity of that web. This is why cheating happens so often. I call it human nature, whether we like that aspect of our natures or not.

 

I wouldn't cheat because I know the damage it can do. But if a person has never cheated and is naive enough, or other factors come into play, they may not understand what a drastic mistake it is until they've done it; or they may simply not care in that particular moment because they've been pushed too far.

 

And, btw, you're painting a picture of her husband like he's a saint. She said that he cheated numerous times before she did. He was begging for what he got as far as I'm concerned. He doesn't even know the meaning of respect, nor does he deserve it in return. If they're managing to piece it all together at this point, good for them. Leave the past in the past.

 

 

What a load of crap, nobody cornered her into cheating and I never said her husband was a saint. I said two people can cause marriage problems but only one person is responsible for the cheating.

 

If a persons marriage is that bad then they should divorce not screw someone else. There is no excuse for cheating.

 

If someone thinks the way you describe then nobody should marry them. Marriage is meant to last forever, and in the span of 30+ years there will be bad years but it is up to us to work through those years. We can not simply cheat whenever there are bad times. If someone has a bad year and cheats then they are not the type of person that you can rely on.

 

We need to work through the bad times to get to the good ones. Nobody ever said life is easy.

[lkjh]

we need to stop blaming other people for our actions