ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Okay I just received an email from my xOM saying that I am his best friend WTF!!! What does he mean...seriously? I am not answering his email:mad: Has anyone here ever heard this line too? Geesh
Owl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 He's saying that he's looking for a way to continue the affair with you...and by continuing contact, he IS doing so. Why are you even receiving emails from him? Why isn't he blocked, why are you reading them when you get them? NC means NO contact...not even passive contact such as reading what he's sent to you.
Owl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 This is a perfect example of why you need to tell your husband (so that he can help you stay focused on fixing the marriage and enforcing NC) and why NC needed to be established in the first place. A year after the affair, and there is STILL contact. QED
2sure Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I have received that same email from I dont know how many of the married men I used to be involved with. "You're my best friend. You really know me and cared about me anyway. You were the one good part of my life. " And I dont doubt a word of it except for the fact that they never noticed that none of the sentiments were reciprocated on my part. They believed it just because when the affair ends...they miss having their selfish compartment filled.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Why dont this man tell your husband that I would love to see his reaction!? Also why havent you blocked him from contacting you, why cant YOU be more proactive about rebuilding your marriage! First step cutoff all form of communications from him.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Why are you even receiving emails from him? Why isn't he blocked, why are you reading them when you get them? NC means NO contact...not even passive contact such as reading what he's sent to you. I have begun NC with xOM although I have not sent a NC email to him. Should I even do that? xOM should get the message with me just not responding right? I haven't told my husband about the affair and my therapist is really against me telling him. I just don't really see the point in it. My marriage is doing great right now, my husband has ceased all contact with his female friends and we are moving on nicely.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Why dont this man tell your husband that I would love to see his reaction!? Also why havent you blocked him from contacting you, why cant YOU be more proactive about rebuilding your marriage! First step cutoff all form of communications from him. If he tells my husband he tells my husband and that's that. I will take all responsibility for what has happened and face the consequences. I have not blocked him from contacting me but I will do that. I just recently started NC but did not send xOM an email to notify him of that. I think complete silence should show him that.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 If he tells my husband he tells my husband and that's that. I will take all responsibility for what has happened and face the consequences. I have not blocked him from contacting me but I will do that. I just recently started NC but did not send xOM an email to notify him of that. I think complete silence should show him that. So you would be a coward and put your head in the sand, only to have the OM come and expose the affair to your husband instead of you dealing with your problems you ignore them! THAT'S MORE HURTFUL THAN YOU CHEATING! it isnt coming from you. Some things you cannot sweep under the rug and pretend like it didnt happen!
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 haven't told my husband about the affair and my therapist is really against me telling him. That's because she probably isn't a marriage counsellor. Most therapists who aren't specialized in MC will recommend this to their clients since her 'best interest' is for you, not for your marriage and what your husband feels/thinks. If there's a chance the exOM is going to tell your husband, then it's time for you to come clean to your H. Better him hearing it from you. The A is over? If so, then cut thet OM OUT of your life completely and that means blocking his email address.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 If there's a chance the exOM is going to tell your husband, then it's time for you to come clean to your H. Better him hearing it from you. xOM has a LONG-term girlfriend that he would never risk losing so I am sure he will not tell my husband. I personally believe some things are better off not known. I would've rather have not known about my husbands affair but that is me.
Devil Inside Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 LD don't answer the email...you know that. He doesn't need a NC email...just do it, he'll get the hint. As for why he wrote that...he is withdrawing from you and needs to see if you are still around. He is pinging you. Also, in an A, even though it is a very dysfunctional relationship, many people do develop friendships. My xOW was a friend as well as a lover. However, I know the unfriendliest thing I could ever do is contact her. Reopen all her wounds and mine to fulfill a selfish urge to hear from her. As for not telling your husband, I think that is an individual choice. Contrary to what most people say here most therapist, marriage, family, individual, whatever would say to not tell unless there is a risk the other person will tell them, you had unprotected sex and caught something, or you cannot move on because of the guilt. I know this because I am a therapist. Good luck hun..and block away.
bentnotbroken Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 LD don't answer the email...you know that. He doesn't need a NC email...just do it, he'll get the hint. As for why he wrote that...he is withdrawing from you and needs to see if you are still around. He is pinging you. Also, in an A, even though it is a very dysfunctional relationship, many people do develop friendships. My xOW was a friend as well as a lover. However, I know the unfriendliest thing I could ever do is contact her. Reopen all her wounds and mine to fulfill a selfish urge to hear from her. As for not telling your husband, I think that is an individual choice. Contrary to what most people say here most therapist, marriage, family, individual, whatever would say to not tell unless there is a risk the other person will tell them, you had unprotected sex and caught something, or you cannot move on because of the guilt. I know this because I am a therapist. Good luck hun..and block away. Contrary to what you believe, most good therapist don't encourage people to lie in order to heal it is counter productive. Nothing is healed by lying, only covered up until someone or something uncovers it. You aren't the only therapist on here.
Devil Inside Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Contrary to what you believe, most good therapist don't encourage people to lie in order to heal it is counter productive. Nothing is healed by lying, only covered up until someone or something uncovers it. You aren't the only therapist on here. I may not be the only one, but I have definitely done my research in this area, been to many trainings, and talk to colleagues about this. I agree that many would say to tell, but the majority of those therapists are usually counselors that practice from a spiritual or religious base and are thus seeing things from a moral paradigm as well. Again, not against telling, but I think it is different for each person, and in some situations it is better not to tell.
jj33 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Yes and what it means is I want you to be my little buddy my pal who I know loves me more than life itself because really many As are NOT about the sex, they are about the validation. Dont fall for it. Keep NC. Otherwise you are stuck with this painful reminder of the fact that he is STILL in your life and you still arent geting what you want from the relationship.
silktricks Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Again, not against telling, but I think it is different for each person, and in some situations it is better not to tell. I'm not a therapist (thank, God!!) but I do agree with this.
lkjh Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I have begun NC with xOM although I have not sent a NC email to him. Should I even do that? xOM should get the message with me just not responding right? I haven't told my husband about the affair and my therapist is really against me telling him. I just don't really see the point in it. My marriage is doing great right now, my husband has ceased all contact with his female friends and we are moving on nicely. Your therapist is only looking out for your own personal short term happiness. Not your long term happiness or your marriage. If you don't love or respect your husband enough to tell him then maybe you should consider divorce. I know everyone wants the easy way out, but the right thing to do is rarely easy. Everyone knows and says that honesty is very important in a relationship but nobody wants to practice that when it doesn't benefit them directly. Not telling is purely selfish and it will come back to haunt you in the future.
lkjh Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Everyone on here has pretty much told you that you need to confess and they are right. You need to listen.
Angel1111 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I have begun NC with xOM although I have not sent a NC email to him. Should I even do that? xOM should get the message with me just not responding right? I haven't told my husband about the affair and my therapist is really against me telling him. I just don't really see the point in it. My marriage is doing great right now, my husband has ceased all contact with his female friends and we are moving on nicely. I agree with your therapist. If you're over the affair and it means nothing to you, then telling your husband will simply destroy your marriage and cause a LOT of unnecessary pain. Lots of people on this site constantly say that - to tell the spouse - it is such a mistake most of the time. I wouldn't worry about whether xOM is blocked or not - his emails mean nothing to you so just ignore them. And, yes, btw I believe what xOM is saying about friendship becuase a lot of people feel that way in affairs. They often feel a deep friendship for the other person. He may be a cad and may be looking for a way to re-ignite the affair but I also believe that he thinks it was probably the only happiness he had. Whatever his reasons are, you know where you stand and there's no reason to encourage him by starting up conversations with him.
SierraRose Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 IMO, I would respond. "My husband and I love each other very much and are committed to our marriage. We are still married and plan to remain that way. DO NOT contact me again. You are not welcomed in our life." Then block him.
lkjh Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I agree with your therapist. If you're over the affair and it means nothing to you, then telling your husband will simply destroy your marriage and cause a LOT of unnecessary pain. Lots of people on this site constantly say that - to tell the spouse - it is such a mistake most of the time. I wouldn't worry about whether xOM is blocked or not - his emails mean nothing to you so just ignore them. And, yes, btw I believe what xOM is saying about friendship becuase a lot of people feel that way in affairs. They often feel a deep friendship for the other person. He may be a cad and may be looking for a way to re-ignite the affair but I also believe that he thinks it was probably the only happiness he had. Whatever his reasons are, you know where you stand and there's no reason to encourage him by starting up conversations with him. That would be nice if we live in a fairytale but in real life peoples emotions get the best of people. If she doesn't go NC she won't get over this. Women always believe the craziest things, this guy does not actually think she is his best friend, he is horny and trying to open up talks. It's pretty common for guys to say things like you "I love you", "I have never felt this way", "You are the best thing to ever happen to me", "you are my best friend" just to get in girls pants. Unfortunately women always believe this stuff and then they are shocked when they get burned. Also, lying to her husband some more under the excuse that it will hurt the marriage is a cop out, the cheating is what hurt the marriage. I love how cheaters always claim that honesty is harmful to a marriage, its the act that causes damage. The lying is a characteristic of cheaters and until they can undo their own personal deceitful characteristics they won't change.
Angel1111 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 That would be nice if we live in a fairytale but in real life peoples emotions get the best of people. If she doesn't go NC she won't get over this. Women always believe the craziest things, this guy does not actually think she is his best friend, he is horny and trying to open up talks. It's pretty common for guys to say things like you "I love you", "I have never felt this way", "You are the best thing to ever happen to me", "you are my best friend" just to get in girls pants. Unfortunately women always believe this stuff and then they are shocked when they get burned. Also, lying to her husband some more under the excuse that it will hurt the marriage is a cop out, the cheating is what hurt the marriage. I love how cheaters always claim that honesty is harmful to a marriage, its the act that causes damage. The lying is a characteristic of cheaters and until they can undo their own personal deceitful characteristics they won't change. So, basically, what you're saying is that all men are liars and nothing they say can be believed because it's all about sex. Interesting.... You like using the words 'cop out' because you have an attitude about this whole topic and refuse to look at things from all perspectives. And, contrary to popular belief, cheating is not what hurt her marriage. Unless the person is a serial cheater (which applies only in a few cases) then there were problems that drove her over the edge in the first place. I'm not supporting cheating it's just that I always love how the spouse who was cheated on suddenly becomes a saint and has no responsibility for the marriage falling apart. But, believe me, when someone is willing to cheat, they bascially have stopped caring completely about the marriage and are willing to risk losing it. Something drove them to that point, whether you choose to admit that or not. That's not to say the choice to cheat was ok, I'm just saying that when people no longer care, all bets are off. That's just human nature. I recommended that she not tell her husband because that's what I would want my spouse to do for me. If my marriage was rocking along pretty well and he had an affair a few years back during a bad phase of our marriage, I would not want to know about it. Call it what you want but I don't think relationships are all about the 'tell all' when it has to be weighed against causing irreparable pain and damage. Sometimes, the kindness is in keeping your guilt to yourself and leaving the other person in peace.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I recommended that she not tell her husband because that's what I would want my spouse to do for me. If my marriage was rocking along pretty well and he had an affair a few years back during a bad phase of our marriage, I would not want to know about it. Call it what you want but I don't think relationships are all about the 'tell all' when it has to be weighed against causing irreparable pain and damage. Sometimes, the kindness is in keeping your guilt to yourself and leaving the other person in peace. Angel1111 you took the words right out of my mouth. I also believe what you say that some things are better left unsaid. It is usually a BS that is always suggesting to tell the truth about the affair. I myself am also a BS and a WS so I understand it from both angles and let me tell you I would rather have not known about my husbands escapades. He was very sloppy with covering up and I discovered everyone of them. Have I forgiven my husband... probably not. Was it his affairs that led me into my own...somewhat but not completely. My husband had been emotionally unavailable to me for 5 years before my affair began and he also basically left most of the parenting up to me and didn't help out with the kids at all. Did I cry out for him to wake up and that our marriage needed help...yes I did many times. My husband chose not change up until my affair and me telling him I was not in love with him anymore. He is a completely different person now. Our marriage is in healing and I feel exposing my affair would just set things back and would not be helpful to my husband or our marriage. I know many on this board totally disagree with me, but these are MY views.
Angel1111 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Angel1111 you took the words right out of my mouth. I also believe what you say that some things are better left unsaid. It is usually a BS that is always suggesting to tell the truth about the affair. I myself am also a BS and a WS so I understand it from both angles and let me tell you I would rather have not known about my husbands escapades. He was very sloppy with covering up and I discovered everyone of them. Have I forgiven my husband... probably not. Was it his affairs that led me into my own...somewhat but not completely. My husband had been emotionally unavailable to me for 5 years before my affair began and he also basically left most of the parenting up to me and didn't help out with the kids at all. Did I cry out for him to wake up and that our marriage needed help...yes I did many times. My husband chose not change up until my affair and me telling him I was not in love with him anymore. He is a completely different person now. Our marriage is in healing and I feel exposing my affair would just set things back and would not be helpful to my husband or our marriage. I know many on this board totally disagree with me, but these are MY views. Exactly. Just do what you think is right because it's your life, not theirs. You have to live with the results, not them. Years ago, I went against my better judgement and listened to what others thought. I'm still paying for that mistake. Granted, it wasn't about a relationship but the point is, I'm still living with the results, and they've gone their merry way. As you may have noticed, any comment about an affair and not telling the spouse will cause the original topic of your thread to be completely lost. It becomes all about the 'big secret' and the moral code about telling. Never fails.
taylor Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Women always believe the craziest things, this guy does not actually think she is his best friend, he is horny and trying to open up talks. It's pretty common for guys to say things like you "I love you", "I have never felt this way", "You are the best thing to ever happen to me", "you are my best friend" just to get in girls pants. Unfortunately women always believe this stuff and then they are shocked when they get burned. So, if this is what guys say when they want to get in a girl's pants what does a guy say when he really does love you, has never felt that way before, and considers the woman his best friend? My H said all those things to me, got in my pants, AND married me. Go figure. I love how cheaters always claim that honesty is harmful to a marriage, its the act that causes damage. The act hurts the marriage, the lying hurts the marriage, and the confession also hurts the marriage. It's hurt upon hurt upon hurt. Actually, I had a spiritual leader tell me to keep my EA under wraps. She said if the EA is over (it was) that there was no reason to hurt my husband any further by confessing it. She told me I should bear the guilt on my own, ask God for forgiveness, and work furiously to repair my marriage. I didn't listen to her. Husband already had suspicions and the minute he questioned me I dumped it all on him. Got rid of my guilt but nearly killed him. It's been 1.5 years now. Sometimes I question whether it was the right thing to do. Husband says it was. Most marital recovery programs will also tell you it's best to tell because trust needs to be restored in a marriage and trust is built on openess and honesty. Can't rebuild trust while hiding a secret.
anne1707 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I agree with your therapist. If you're over the affair and it means nothing to you, then telling your husband will simply destroy your marriage and cause a LOT of unnecessary pain. Lots of people on this site constantly say that - to tell the spouse - it is such a mistake most of the time. It may be possible to get over the affair without telling but it will not be possible to repair the marriage unless the OP tells her husband. I have been in her position and it was only through full disclosure that my husband and I were able to look at the problems we had and deal with them. Otherwise all the problems that orginally led to the affair are still there like a ticking time bomb.
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