Trying to Push Away Much Younger Ex

[JimmyB26]

Okay, I'm a new poster so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

 

I'm recently divorced, and I'm also a graduate student, and while I was separated, I started seeing one of my former students from last fall. She was 21, I was turning 29 at the time. She fell in love with me, but I was dealing with the dead weight of a cheating wife handcuffed to my ankle.

 

Two days before the judge unlocked the handcuff (the divorce came through), the new girlfriend ditched me--this was late April She had been on spring break in March and had realized that if she stayed with me, we'd be engaged in a couple years and she wanted to see what else was out there. Totally realistic for her age.

 

Anyway, within a week of the breakup in April, I was in full-on No Contact. If she got in touch, I would respond about 24 - 36 hours later and she would try to immediately get in touch again. She begged and pleaded, and I finally called after a couple weeks, but she said that the "avoiding her" had pushed her away even more and helped her get over me. She was already interested in a long distance connection who is now her new boyfriend.

 

I somehow wound up in the awkward zone between ex and friend, and she moved on with this guy. But in between his trips to her or her trips to him, there have been spaces of weeks where she's texting me constantly. Just before both of us left to see other people for the Fourth of July, she texted me at 11:30 PM to come by and hug me before she left, which I let her do. She sent me a bikini shot, kissy-face while she was with him, and later denied it having any intended underhanded meaning when I called her out on it.

 

She got back into town after July 4th and the texts persisted, asking me how my trip was. By the end of the week she was saying she needed to see me soon, felt deprived, so we went out the following Sunday and walked through the city to get some lunch (for 5 hours). The time together complicated things for her as her next trip approached and she pushed me away and avoided me again, finally admitting how much it complicated things, but still showed up outside my doorstep the night before she left--unfortunately I wasn't home and she called me the next day to tell me she'd been there while I was on public transit and didn't have cell reception.

 

I swore I would not let her pull me back in, and she knew I was seeing someone over the weekend, a new prospect, so when she breezed back and texted me immediately on Monday, I just didn't make her a priority, focused on my life. By Thursday she was in a panic that I was avoiding her, and it pissed me off because I was just trying to keep myself busy. We got together that Saturday and I told her that I was moving on with my life and this is what it looked like. I wasn't going to be an emotional surrogate for her LDR.

 

Then I hit her with this - I'm almost 30, I've been married, and I knew that if I got involved intimately with another woman she would not appreciate me having an intimate friendship with a 21/22 year old ex girlfriend who I was sleeping with while still married. It would just be unnecessary. She said that those other women would just be jealous and indicative of a lack of trust in my relationship with them. She wanted to be my "support system" and to just see what happened down the line as far as getting back together, that she would never cheat on a boyfriend, etc. But she wouldn't beg me to be her friend.

 

We parted okay, and a week and a half later was her birthday. At about 1 AM on the morning of her birthday I start getting drunk texts, this was after mentioning earlier in the day that I had four dates that week. She told me she missed me, was so happy I was in her life, etc.

 

We went out just two days ago, this Tuesday, for her birthday, and I hit it out of the park. But before the night ended, I reminded her once again that I already felt in dating these other women that as an adult and mature man, they just would not appreciate me hanging out with an ex if I got committed. I wanted to hit her with the double whammy of "this is the kind of magical, great time that these other women will have with me" and the message that "eventually you're going to lose me...and for good". She said her whole reply all over again, and again, after that, said she wouldn't beg me to be her friend (which is what she essentially did).

 

I dropped her off, and she texted me about twenty minutes later, thanking me for everything, telling me how amazing I am, how special I am to her, how much I mean to her, how happy she is that I'm in her life. More of the "please don't leave me", I'm thinking...

 

So we've got one more event, the gift that I gave her while we were together for her birthday. She wants to take me to this concert on Monday. One more great memory I can give her.

 

Then I was going to just disappear. And tell her that if I'm just someone she dated and it didn't work out (which is how I'm described to her new bf), and she doesn't normally go back to her past (which she's told me, though she's told me I'd be the exception), that I need to really move on and not to get in touch with me.

 

With the way this girl is clinging to me, would No Contact really be an effective method?

[2sure]

An effective method for what?

You are clinging to each other...I dont see where your actions indicate that you do not want to continue seeing her.

 

It sounds as though you are trying to get through to her that once you are gone - she will miss you. Is this in an effort to get her back? Either way, it doesnt matter because so far you are not gone.

 

So, yes - if you dont want to date her anymore, or keep around an old gf that will hinder your future relationships...tell her: That was nice, I'm interested in finding a life partner, I have enough friends, Good luck. And stop taking drunken text messages.

 

She is cheating on her bf. Given your past experience you might want to ask yourself what it is in your life that is causing a repeat performance.

[Devil Inside]

First ask yourself...why do you continue to spend time with her. I would assume it's because you still want to be with her. It does not sound like she is offering that right now. Sounds like she want to have you around as an emotional crutch.

 

I would just tell her, "hey I can't be friends with you right now." Not because it would seem weird to other women you date, but because you are setting this limit for yourself. Wish her well and move on. Trust me, the longer you keep up this weird game with her, the higher the potential you get hurt, and the longer you remain unemotional available for another relationship.

 

Good luck.

[JimmyB26]

I do want her back, yes. Bottom line.

 

As I pull away, with her being so clingy, into this one last huge No Contact, is this the most effective strategy to get her to reconsider her decision?

[Devil Inside]

I do want her back, yes. Bottom line.

 

As I pull away, with her being so clingy, into this one last huge No Contact, is this the most effective strategy to get her to reconsider her decision?

 

 

OK. If you want her back...then yes NC is the most effective "strategy." However, do you really want to be in a relationship with some girl you have to manipulate to get back?

[CaliGuy]

No offense, but she's "acting" 21 and you're playing head games with her. You're getting this reaction from her because you are using jealousy to taunt her.

 

Not good for either one of you.

[JimmyB26]

So the concert that I'd given her tickets for for her birthday was last night. I went with her, along with her sister and her cousin, both of whom I knew. This was her FAVORITE artist, and she'd been waiting for this for a long time.

 

Anyway, I was ON. All night I happen to be getting calls and texts from other women. My ex knows I have five dates this week, starting tonight, in addition to the other dates I had over the last couple weeks. The ex is actually friends with four of the friends of one of the women I've been seeing over facebook, so my ex announced that she even intends to do a little investigating.

 

Anyway, I was a gentleman, I was suave, funny, laidback, just really great. The whole time we're there, sitting on the lawn, my ex is touching me when she talks, she's telling me about things we'll get around to doing, etc, we get some pictures together. She's having a great time, and knows that I made it possible, not the LDR boyfriend who'd left the day before. As we're leaving the grounds, she whispers to me that it was the best gift she'd gotten. As I was pushing her away a little with the mentions of dating other women, with the texting and calling other women, she was trying quietly to pull me back in.

 

We had to head to her mom's place to get her car, so her sister drove her, and we had all done a little drinking, so the mood was light, I was cracking jokes and busting on her, making her older sister laugh out loud, and both her sister and I taunted her tag-team style. It was great.

 

The ride back to the city was in her car, windows down, music blasting, trading the audio jack between our iPods as we played our favorite songs. We hugged when she dropped me off, at least a few seconds, and then I got out and she waited while I went through both sets of doors into my building. I got thank you texts again this morning.

 

I showed her exactly what the other women I was seeing would be getting. It was a thing of beauty, a perfect, perfect night.

 

The boyfriend comes back this weekend once more, and she knows how I'll be spending my time. This concert was the LAST event binding us together in any way, shape or form.

 

I feel like this would be the perfect opportunity for full-on NC. Let her relish in these recent nights with me and really experience life without me around, have her really experience the loss she's been fearing, and miss my presence in her life and the attention I've given her.

 

At this point, when she's obviously wondering, doubting her choices, confused as to why she left, would NC hurt more than it would help?

 

There's a movie called the Tao Of Steve, in which his approach to women is "Be Desireless, Be Excellent, And Be Gone", which is basically what I pulled off. Beautifully.

 

What do the women on here think? No Contact immediately and dramatically, or just slowly drift farther and farther away until No Contact?

[gd26]

Considering that you are a good deal older than her, why can't you just be an adult and gentleman and treat this girl with more decency and respect? You are acting at the same level of immaturity that she is in... and considering that you are approaching your thirties, I would expect that you should have moved past this stage by now. Stop playing these foolish mind games and trying to manipulate her. You are only causing both yourself and her a great deal of hurt and drama. Stop stringing her along and just let her back to her boyfriend. You know full well that she isn't ultimately going to be the right woman for you, so let her move on and you move on as well... without prolonging the pain. You should have more class and maturity than this.

[JimmyB26]

I appreciate the lecture, but just like the scorpion says to the dying frog, "It's in my nature."

 

We all play games, so get down off the high horse and offer some constructive advice as a woman.

 

All I'm asking is whether or not the women in this forum think at this point that strict No Contact would be undoing all the work that I've done to show her what a mistake it was to walk away from me...or if something like Limited Contact would be more effective.

 

I figured that the next time she saw me pulling away and positively freaked out, I'd say something like:

 

"I need to devote my limited time and attention to women who want to make me a priority in their lives, and eventually just one. Since you've indicated that 'we dated and it didn't work out' and you 'don't revisit the past' I've moved on. I can't guarantee that I'll give you another shot, but it's going to take some serious action on your part to indicate that you want to make me a priority. You've got a lot of thinking to do before the next time we talk, so I'm going to let you go."

[Narf]

No offense... but it sounds all like one big game.. You are playing it and so is she...But really she has the power. She has a new b/f and she has you entertaining her while he is gone. It seems extremely silly to me.

 

Wouldnt she already know what it is like to be with you? All these "perfect" nights, are a waste on her. She is using you and by the sounds of things you are enjoying it.

 

Rubbing others in her face only creates jealousy and curiosity... not love or the desire for anything deeper with you.

 

My advice would be stop with the games already. If you want to date, date!

Focus on you and your life not her. Stop doing things to get a reaction... 21 year olds might enjoy it for a while but she will grow up soon and see it all as one big massive mind game.

 

Your words are already not real... Say what you mean and mean what you say

[Narf]

Sorry ill answer your question too... IF you tell her you wont be talking to her for a while then NC is the way to go... If you want to keep her around longer and continue the mind games, dont say anything to her, wait till she gets in contact (prob when he b/f has left again), be short and polite, but dont invite her anywhere, dont make it personal at all, wait till she brings up the relationship etc. Then discuss it, but be HONEST! Stop trying to create feelings through drama

[JimmyB26]

I'm actually beginning to think that I'm kept separate from the new guy as a means of self-preservation for her. The more attractive I become WHILE she's with this new guy, as a result of all the new things in my life and all the women I'm seeing and fun I'm having, the more difficult it is for her to maintain focus on him wholly. So every time she has a great time with me and is about to see him again, she has to pull back, refocus, shake it off, and return her attention to him. In fact the MORE fun she has with me, and the MORE attractive I become, the MORE she has to retreat from the situation. That's something that I'm just realizing.

 

If I was an obese, ugly dude who she was really just friends with, she could handle communicating with me while he was around. But because she's still attracted to me physically and attached to me emotionally, and considers me more than a friend, she has to maintain that dissociative distance whenever he's around. She wants to be dedicated to him totally, but because I'm changing and she's now confronted with doubts about the breakup, I'm like a dirty little secret that she has to conceal until the time is right. For her, to cheat and give into her attraction would be wrong.

 

She's told me flat out in my presence, "I've never cheated on a boyfriend." As if tempted.

 

And you know what? I realize she's got major growing up to do, and that this relationship is not going to last the way she's maintaining it. So I'd much rather continue to be the one she sees as the future Mr. Right, rather than Mr. Right Now, since the reason she broke up with me was because she figured we'd be engaged in a couple years and she just wasn't ready. Ultimately she may lose me forever to another woman, and she may see me come close a few times, and she'd have to prove herself to me for me to ever really consider her again given my options. So maybe, for right now, the backburner is really not the worst place to be, because I can sure enjoy myself.

 

The backburner is not the worst place to be, guys. If she's already got you in the bullpen warming up the arm, she's beginning to consider it. If she's considering it, then she's not sold on the new guy. And it means that when push comes to shove, and the relationship nose dives, you know exactly where she'll come running. It's the closest to being a sure thing as anyone is going to get in my situation.

 

The last thing I'll mention in that in my particular case, I have PERMANENTLY associated myself in her mind with her favorite musician. By getting her those tickets, by taking her to that concert, I have ensured that whenever she hears a song by the artist, she will be forced to remember that night, and that concert, and me, for making it possible. Now that I think about it, it was a rather brilliant tactic.

[alexxx]

 

Associating her favorite musician with you does not make much sense to me.

 

You are right in that she probably enjoyed the night. But, who wouldn't? You put her on a pedestal, like a perfect human being. I am not saying that you could have done anything to get her back. However, if you want to heal (and this should be your primary goal), taking her to the concert or doing anything together was a terible mistake. Don't forget, girls like a challenge, but, in this case, she won you over completely.

[deux ex machina]

I appreciate the lecture, but just like the scorpion says to the dying frog, "It's in my nature."

 

We all play games, so get down off the high horse and offer some constructive advice as a woman.

 

All I'm asking is whether or not the women in this forum think at this point that strict No Contact would be undoing all the work that I've done to show her what a mistake it was to walk away from me...or if something like Limited Contact would be more effective.

 

I figured that the next time she saw me pulling away and positively freaked out, I'd say something like:

 

"I need to devote my limited time and attention to women who want to make me a priority in their lives, and eventually just one. Since you've indicated that 'we dated and it didn't work out' and you 'don't revisit the past' I've moved on. I can't guarantee that I'll give you another shot, but it's going to take some serious action on your part to indicate that you want to make me a priority. You've got a lot of thinking to do before the next time we talk, so I'm going to let you go."

 

No Contact.

 

Limited Contact would not be effective at all. If you want results, that is.

 

 

However, gotta say it: this won't end well.

[LovesHangover]

You need to stop playing games. Be a mature adult who is honest about how you feel and powerfully deal with what is. If she just wants to be just friends and you want more, go NC and do not play anymore games.Do you want to play games your entire life? Please grow up and deal with this aa an adult!