Nedved Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 If you feel your ready to date again then go for it but i don't think you are from what you've told us so don't put yourself under preasure to meet somebody else. Your still very hurt. This healing process is gonna take time and your still in the early stages. By all means meet people and weigh up your options but lets be honest here your still heart broken over your ex so until you move on from where you are now i suggest you take it easy regarding dating until your ready.
Author Exit Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Yeah I'm not really looking for anyone it was just a local website that was advertised on TV while I was watching a show on Friday night, so I signed up. I had a dream about her last night.
georgia girl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Exit and gypsi, Keep up the no contact. It does get you away from that heart-wrenching pain. It also gets better. I think you'll find that some days, it's as bad as it ever was. But on other days, it doesn't sting so bad. Eventually, no contact provides you the distance that you need. It makes you strong and really helps give you a new perspective. It will happen.
Nedved Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Yeah I'm not really looking for anyone it was just a local website that was advertised on TV while I was watching a show on Friday night, so I signed up. I had a dream about her last night. I know how you feel. The dreams can be cruel and i've been dreaming of my ex a lot lately. Unfortunatley its one thing we can't control.
t0ri Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I know how you feel, Exit! You're being very hard on yourself, and I know how that goes. I, too, blame myself for the majority of why my ex and I did not work out, but I know that's irrational to think it was all my fault. My ex definitely let our relationship fall apart and had many attributing issues to our relationship's failure - and yours did to. You can replay over and over again what you could've, would've, should have, didn't, shouldn't have done, etc. during the relationship, but it changes nothing. I've finally realized there's no point in beating myself up about all of my faults throughout my relationship with my ex... the only thing to do with those is learn from it. Those thoughts are quite difficult to avoid though, and they are tortorous I'm STILL dealing with them and I've been broken up with my ex for good for almost 4 months now, and have been NC since then except the ONE time he text me 2 1/2 weeks ago. But I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! Everyone heals at their own pace, but I'm right there with you... feeling kind of behind in the healing process. It's easy to sit back and think about all the things you did wrong during during the relationship once it's over, and I think that's just part of acceptance and healing. All we can do is look at our past relationship mistakes as mistakes, not regrets, and learn from them. But stick to NC, I'd suggest
Author Exit Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 I'm just having a hard time reconciling those two different ideas (A) knowing that I did wrong and (B) not contacting her. I'd have a much easier time not contacting her if I had nothing to say, or if I felt like I did nothing wrong, if I could manage to have the usual "Her loss" attitude most guys have. But it's not her loss, she had a lot to gain by leaving me behind, but now I have changed and if I'm not there to try to convince her, what else would ever change her mind? I stand behind NC 110% if you were a great partner, if you did nothing wrong, and if the heartless ex just walked away from you. But I don't fall under that category. I did a lot wrong. I've done a lot of growing up since then and things would be so much better between us if she would just let me back in. I know she wasn't perfect and I know it takes two people to fail. The reason I didn't start improving myself until AFTER the breakup was because she never told me what she was unhappy about. I could have started making these changes a long time ago if I had a partner who cared enough to bring out the best in me. But instead she thought the best action she could take would be to try to stand by me in the shape I was currently in, which lasted for a while but eventually lead to the split. Going NC gives her the satisfaction of saying I'm the one who gave up. If I go for a long period of time without talking to her, she'll be able to justify her feelings of "he was just chasing me for the wrong reasons, he probably found someone else now and obviously didn't mean any of what he said". So I like proving her wrong. 2 months, 3 months, 4 months, I was still there telling her that I know I messed up.
Author Exit Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 It's becoming pretty apparent that I haven't healed because I don't want to. I don't want to get over her, I want her back.
delajoonal Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Exit... have you read any posts under Separation and Divorce..? i think tHERE you will find you are not alone, also learn some NC techniques, good books, websites, but most of all, just people like you and me..hurting so badly because the love of our life has walked out on us (mine H left after 14 years)...i still have NO answers to my questions, its been 6 months... BUT..i can say this, if NOT for LS and Separation and Divorce forum..i am not sure what i would have done...commited myself to the nearest 51/50??? anyway, check it out..i think you will find alot of what you are looking for..other than your X
Author Exit Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 I check the threads in there sometimes and I see people dealing with much worse situations than I am. Scary that marriages can fall apart just as easily as young relationships.
Dmoney28 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Hey exit, once again, i want to let you know you are not alone in this. I'm in the same boat as you. I look back at the relationship, and i screwed up...bad. If i knew then, what i know now....i could have made her happy. But i wasnt mature enough. It took her leaving for me to be a better person ( over the course of a year). And as the months past by...the memories of her fade and fade and fade. But the scariest thing is i dont want the memories to fade. In a sick way i make myself remember. Remember all the good time. Make myself remember when i went to her place to take care of her when she was sick....make myself remember the times we lied in bed all sunday morning playing scrabble.......make myself remember the times we cooked diner together.....but in a wierd way i learned how to think of these memories without the pain...makes me smile when i think of them. But i know inside my heart, we will never be. I just got back from a date with this girl i have been seeing for about month. It was fun...she was nice.....i like her....but i fear i'm, not over ex 100%. I just dont feel that spark. Oh well...Exit, take it from me, the pain does get less over the months. Trust me. It still sucks, and i still think about her. Its just something we have to cope with...carry for a little while longer, till its all gone. And i know you dont want to forget her. Its like a catch 22....to forget her is to get over her....but you dont want to forget her...so you cant get over her. After a while that nagging voice in the pit of your heart will grow ever more silent.
Author Exit Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Last night was awful. Thought about her through the entire night. Woke up with this sense of urgency like I need to do something to get her back. Feel sick to my stomach that I am still losing the love of my life. All week I ate healthy, all week I tried to get excited about the fact that soon I'll be in better shape and I'll create some happiness for myself, but I do not want to let her go.
Author Exit Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Still don't feel an ounce better. A lot of good things happened with our relationship in August 2007 and 2008, so I'm sitting here wishing this month could mean something again...
kizik Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Exit, hi. It's hard to know what to tell you. As you know, this kind of thing is like a forest on the way to grandmother's house - you have to go through it to get to the other side. You know this already. I'm going to tell you things that are probably cliched. But you need to hear them again. Last night was awful. Thought about her through the entire night. 1) You need to learn how to block thoughts. You are not allowed to do what you did last night. You are NOT ALLOWED. Your mental, spiritual, and emotional safety REQUIRE you to block thoughts. The next time you think of her, a memory of her, something the two of you did together, you need to BLOCK. How? you ask. Ah, thanks for asking. First, you need to find your HAPPY PLACE. Your happy place is a memory in which you were totally blissful, WITHOUT HER. Most likely it will be something you did before you ever met her. For me, my happy place is a memory of playing frisbee with a buddy on a Costa Rican beach at sunset. NOW: think of your happy place. And use it to BLOCK every time thoughts of her invade. All week I ate healthy, all week I tried to get excited about the fact that soon I'll be in better shape and I'll create some happiness for myself, but I do not want to let her go. 2) Awesome. In order for one to recover, he must find a PROJECT. Right now, your project seems to be health and exercise. This is excellent, because it releases endorphins as well as making you feel better and more attractive. PLUS, it makes you more attractive to others. Win-win-win. Still don't feel an ounce better. A lot of good things happened with our relationship in August 2007 and 2008, so I'm sitting here wishing this month could mean something again... 3) BLOCK. Block your wishes and what-ifs and memories. You are NOT ALLOWED to think that way. I truly hope you have read this post, because I employed these simple techniques about 18 months ago during/after my breakup, and because of cognitive thought control and projects, I am ALIVE and MUCH HAPPIER. -Josh
Confused_Chump Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Exit, it's tough trying to get over someone when you know it's mainly your fault that you lost the one that you loved so dearly. I am going through a similar situation right now. I didn't realize how important she was to me until it was too late. I've felt the pain, the regrets and the anger that one places upon themselves for mishandling a relationship. At first, I remained in contact with her (similar to what you've been doing) because I felt it was the best thing to do. However, like many of the members here would say, this only slows down your healing process. I finally got to a point where I grew weary of the pain I was feeling. So I had one final talk with her for closure and we parted amicably. In doing so, I started NC and during this time frame I looked to books on break ups for guidance on how to find light within this darkness. Since you've already exhausted many of the recommendations that members have given you on how to heal, why not check to see if any books would be of help to you. From what I've read, you were able to grow a lot because of this separation. Doing so is a great way to prepare yourself for being the best partner that you can be for your future relationships. Don't dwell on this lost anymore and do your best not to hope for a second chance. If it was meant to be, the chance will come. But don't live your life holding onto this chance. Just concentrate on yourself becoming whole again and let life run its course. You've had great memories with your ex and I am guessing you don't want to forget about them because you seem to have no hard feelings towards her. But there is no way for you to look back at them without being sad at this point in time. So forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, learn from them and let your heart heal. Only then will you be able to look back at those memories with the smiles that they deserve. Hang in there Exit, you'll be able to make it.
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