Exit Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I'm starting to feel like I am not doing very good at healing. This week will be 4 months. Time has flown by, still feels like I just lost her. I think for only a 1.5 year relationship, I should be pretty well healed by now. August 19th last year was the vacation we took together and I'm tempted to contact her on the 19th and try to remind her of the good times, but I know I shouldn't. I've done every trick in the book. I've hung out with friends, I got a new job, found a "fling" to give some of my attention to, been working out, eating healthy, but it isn't doing it for me. It still hurts like day 1. I've only stuck with NC recently (we were writing back and forth on Myspace discussing what had happened between us for a while). Strangely since going NC it has intensified my painful thoughts about the new guy she's with. I don't know jack about him but can't help wondering how much money he makes, how he treats her, etc. Aside from an amazing girl coming into my life and having a total change of heart and realizing my ex isn't worth it, I don't forsee anything ending my pain. I messed up so bad and I want another chance more than anything. Do I accept being one of those people who walk around missing someone forever, hoping for that chance that never comes, find out one day that she's getting married?? My thoughts are obsessive, literally all day long. I'm split between maintaining NC or asking her for one more "closure" conversation because I still have so many questions. What more can I do? I haven't allowed myself to lay in bed and be a mope. I did everything that people said would help, and it hasn't done much....
trueblue72ny Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 my opinion is to just keep going nc. if she contacts you that is one thing. but contacting her isnt going to make you feel any better. she is still with another guy. you guys were chatting on myspace, if she wants to contact you badly enough than she will. otherwise unfortunately i would say leave it alone while you still have feelings for her.
Nedved Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Even though its been 4 months since you broke up it might as well have been 4 days because unfortunatley while maintaining contact with your ex via myspace and going over and over where it all went wrong you have'nt allowed yourself time to heal and move on and thats the reason why working out, eating healthy etc has'nt worked or really helped you. It will get better but its gonna take time. Your only in the early stages of NC even though you've been broken up 4 months. The break up and healing process only started when you broke contact with her. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your hurt and even though you broke up 4 months ago its not that long ago. You just mainatained contact with her while you were in a huge amount of pain and it left you back at square one again. Don't focus on the fact your broken up 4 months. focus on the day you broke contact with her and thats the day you began healing. It will get better trust me.
Devil Inside Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 It will get better. You can't really say you've had four months because any contact keeps the wound open, especially if she is dating...geeze man quit torturing yourself. Trust one day you will realize she hasn't even crossed your mind all day, or week. You will always have fond memories, but what is done, is done...focus on your new girl, and most importantly yourself. Good luck..hang in there.
Crow9726 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 My ex live-in GF/fiance left exactly one year, 3 days and 19 hours ago as I type this. I still feel it...with every breath I take...with every beat of my heart. It was amicable yet so very painful. We were also together as a couple for just a year and a half...but it hurts so much more than my 26 year marriage dissolving did. She is still the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night...I still dream of her...and thoughts of her are the first things that fill my head when I wake up. I feel I will never heal...that nobody out there even wants to get to know me as a person. I never envisioned my life to be what it has become. Lonely and barren and bereft of any affection/affirmation/acceptance. It sucks to be me.
Author Exit Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I figured most people would blame it on the limited contact we had. I dunno, still not sure how I feel about that. I kept telling her we could stop talking, or she could block me on myspace, but she kept leaving the lines of communication open. Eventually I was the one who said it needed to stop, she wasn't respecting me or her new BF by still talking to me online, and I told her I would never settle for just being her friend, and since then it's been NC. My wounds were also ripped open again the other night, after a bad day I decided to take my car for a drive purposely to clear my mind, and who did I end up driving past, her, on her cell phone, probably talking to him. Not sure how I feel about NC, yes I want to stop suffering, but I also don't want to give up on her. And saying that I'll eventually get to the point where I don't think about her for entire days or weeks sounds great and terrible all at once.
NopeNah Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 It IS the contact, Exit. As hard as it is, you will never get over her while remaining in any contact at all. You have to cut all ties NOW! You're not "giving up on her"...she gave up on you, long ago! That's her loss! Now it's all about you and the quicker you ACCEPT that, the better off you'll be!
Devil Inside Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 It IS the contact, Exit. As hard as it is, you will never get over her while remaining in any contact at all. You have to cut all ties NOW! You're not "giving up on her"...she gave up on you, long ago! That's her loss! Now it's all about you and the quicker you ACCEPT that, the better off you'll be! Agreed, you're holding on to something that isn't there. Look bro, we've all been there. I know we say these things like they're easy to do...they're not. However, I know you can do it.
gypsi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 oh my word what did we all do to deserve feeling like this (i know i deserve it) and people wonder why some people consider suicide living in limbo like this is something i wont wish upon my worst enemy, i lie in bed everynight struggeling to accept that this is what i have become...wish i was back where i was one year again. Do you think people are meant to learn and suffer like this to learn life lessons or pay for karma from past lives?
Author Exit Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 oh my word what did we all do to deserve feeling like this (i know i deserve it) That's the key to my suffering, knowing that I deserved to lose her. Never before has a girl left me and I've actually looked in the mirror and realized it was my fault, every time in the past I've been able to be confident and say "her loss". But that's not the case this time, I do blame myself for so much of what happened. Not only would I like forgiveness from her, but I don't know how to forgive myself. Hindsight is 20/20 and it kills me to realize all the times where I could have done simple little things to let her know that I cared but I didn't. I'm sure life is trying to teach me a lesson, but it may have gone a little too far this time, what's the point in a life lesson when you no longer care to live very much.
NopeNah Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 oh my word what did we all do to deserve feeling like this (i know i deserve it) Do you think people are meant to learn and suffer like this to learn life lessons or pay for karma from past lives? You DO NOT "deserve it", NO one does... It's just part of life. This isn't and I'm fairly certain won't be my last heartbreak in life. There's also plenty of things out there more important than a person that you meet "accidently" throughout life. I learned that lesson the hard way when my father,whom i had nearly zero contact with in the last 5 years,had a massive heart attack and passed away a month after my breakup.. My thoughts of my ex shrank to ZERO! Did I attend my fathers funeral, NO..that's another story all together.. What I'm saying is...don't let someone who you have zero control over control you and how youre living your lifegv! It's ridiculous!! Lifes too short to set and moap...get out and live your life for the only person that matters...YOURSELF!
Author Exit Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Well again that's my problem, I'm NOT sitting and moping, but it still doesn't help. It feels like such a joke to go out to dinner with another girl, or hang out with friends, when I know that's not what I want to do be doing.
Devil Inside Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Well again that's my problem, I'm NOT sitting and moping, but it still doesn't help. It feels like such a joke to go out to dinner with another girl, or hang out with friends, when I know that's not what I want to do be doing. You are feeling depressed..makes sense it is a depressing situation. However, you may have to force yourself to go do things. "Fake it till you make it." This will make you feel better in time. Remember, true NC doesn't start until all contact is over...which for you was not so long ago...it's gonna take some time.
gypsi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Hey exit Wow its so scary you and me are in the exact same situation...i know i was the reason she left i wish i could turn back time and do those stupid things i did, i have a way of pushing the people love me the most away. If she just left me without a reason i wont also not give a **** because it would be her loss! But i dont have that peace of mind, i dont like myself anymore even if i am currently doing everything possible to improve who i am i still feel like such a horrible person. Hurting her bothers me more than her leaving me. I dont sit around an moap about it at all, but its constantly in the back of my mind memories play over and over i keep on seeing her cry in my head....She was the sweets most beautiful person i have EVER met she had such a great heart and soul she never deserved to be hurt like i hurt her. I cant live with that unless someone has been in this situation they have no idea what it feels like. The worst part is knowing i will never have her back in my life again.
gypsi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 oh and i have begun strict no contact i am on day 33 today and for some odd reason the last 2 days i have been right back to how i felt the day she left me. Lost my appetite, cried myself to sleep, basically i started hating myself again. I think its because i finally realized she is not coming back, she doesent bother texting me anymore or anything. Im sure she's relieved to be rid of me. Besides why whould she ever want to take me back again after all this emotional hell she would be to scared id go back to my old ways. Now its just me, myself and I (and the lovely depression)for a long long time. Goodluck exit im sharing your pain buddy
Author Exit Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Yeah, I feel like a horrible person. It's hard to like myself when I know that I caused this pain in my life, not her. Just today at work I was locking the door to another part of the building and as I was standing there I caught myself thinking to myself "you're a good person, you're a good person", I literally have to try to convince myself. It doesn't help that she has LET me take all the blame, and not once in these 4 months has she ever said any part of it was her fault and that we could both take the blame for it. If I make it through this, I will have learned a lot, I'll know how to deal with pain and heartbreak and loss, but right now that's a big "if". It could also just crush me completely and leave me totally broken. For now I guess I'll continue faking it and act like I give a damn about my life when I really don't right now.
gypsi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 everytime i look in the mirror i say that to myself aswell! I have to convince myself that i am a good person i have been asking my friends and family if they believe i am a good person??? Atleast they say i am. I know i had to learn this lesson but its absolutely crushed me to pieces for 6 months now i dont know what happiness feels like anymore. She made sure to let me know how i crushed her, il never forget those words "i will lose a part of my soul if i take you back". Hearing things like that from someone you love so much absolutely throws your mental health off balance, its like something in my brain died. The only thing keeping me from suicide is the fact that i believe you will be damned for eternity and i would never put my family thru so much torture. But i am torturing them now i am always down and aggitated and venting or just locked up in my room alone. Maybe we can help each other thru this EXIT, right now i feel like i wont ever be happy or love myself ever again very hard to live with that. We must have some good in us if we are suffering so much now, it means we have a conscious and also that we are willing to fix those flaws that we have that we might have never seen if they didnt dump us. Thats the only reasonable reason i can think of. What also hurt me the most was her last message to me, she said it was only sex never love after she told me thousands of times im the love of her life. I think I hurt her so much she would say anything to get rid of me.
Miguelrg Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 this is the first reply to a post i've made in a few months, i went off loveshack for a while as i constantly searched for false hope in these situations, its been 3 months solid nc for me and after all the pain i feel so much better now, i have no desire to contact even though i am still wholeheartedly in love with her, i pray every night for here, i'm still not healed and its been 6 months since break up, the first 3 months post break up were hard because i was still in contact! i am a firm believer in NC, for the reasons of healing, it helps a lot! sorry if i'm babbling on about nothing! stay strong exit you really need to do it for yourself, cut her out
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I'm starting to feel like I am not doing very good at healing. This week will be 4 months. Time has flown by, still feels like I just lost her. I think for only a 1.5 year relationship, I should be pretty well healed by now. August 19th last year was the vacation we took together and I'm tempted to contact her on the 19th and try to remind her of the good times, but I know I shouldn't. I've done every trick in the book. I've hung out with friends, I got a new job, found a "fling" to give some of my attention to, been working out, eating healthy, but it isn't doing it for me. It still hurts like day 1. I've only stuck with NC recently (we were writing back and forth on Myspace discussing what had happened between us for a while). Strangely since going NC it has intensified my painful thoughts about the new guy she's with. I don't know jack about him but can't help wondering how much money he makes, how he treats her, etc. Aside from an amazing girl coming into my life and having a total change of heart and realizing my ex isn't worth it, I don't forsee anything ending my pain. I messed up so bad and I want another chance more than anything. Do I accept being one of those people who walk around missing someone forever, hoping for that chance that never comes, find out one day that she's getting married?? My thoughts are obsessive, literally all day long. I'm split between maintaining NC or asking her for one more "closure" conversation because I still have so many questions. What more can I do? I haven't allowed myself to lay in bed and be a mope. I did everything that people said would help, and it hasn't done much.... Don't worry about how much time it's taking. My last ex I knew him for a year, we split in June, and I hadn't moved on until December. I DID move on though. Some days were better than others, I guess what helped me was accepting he wasn't right for me. If anything is hindering you? I think it's that you don't see that. You keep mentioning how you're what your ex would want now but she isn't there to see it; that is not going to help any. How do you know that what you changed about yourself is what your ex would want anyway? Maybe you just like you now more. Why did she end things with you? EDIT: Don't answer that, am reading everything now
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Okay nvm, I still don't know why you two broke up or why the entire thing is your fault. Tell me if you don't mind.
Author Exit Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Okay nvm, I still don't know why you two broke up or why the entire thing is your fault. Tell me if you don't mind. We were together a year and a half. About 5 months in, I quit my job as a mechanic because I was miserable doing it. Little did I know, quitting that job would be the biggest mistake ever. I spent the next year at home unemployed, thanks in part to the economy, and mainly my desire to have some time off. But it created many problems for us. We spent so much time at home because of my social anxiety and never wanting to go out much. When we first got together, I told her I didn't go out much, and she told me she was fine with it. But now I know that played a part in our break up. That's one thing I DO blame her for, if she had just told me that she wanted to make more effort to go out, I would have done it. But she didn't tell me she was unhappy until she left. We argued a lot, I had a bad temper and was always irritable because of my family hounding me to get back to finding a job. I had money saved up in the bank but towards the end of our relationship it was starting to run out and caused even more stress because I could hardly afford to spend anything. I was needy and would get upset if she came over after school and fell asleep all night. I simply wanted her to compromise, maybe nap for an hour and then spend some time with me, instead of making me pick her up and bring her here just to sleep for 3 hours, but now I see how rude I was about it. Here I was without a job and she was going to school to secure her future as a dental hygienist, I should have let her sleep if she was tired. She's very close with her family and many weekends she would have to do things with them and again I'd be needy, I didn't want to go with because of my anxiety I didn't want to be around her family, and I'd get mad if she chose to see them over me. I don't blame myself 100%. She could have communicated better. Clearly if she had told me what she wanted to change, I would have done it, because now that she's gone, I am making the changes anyway to try to prove it to her. But for the most part I feel it was my fault. It was the combination of her stressful year at school, me being out of work and constantly arguing with my family, probably having low self esteem not making any money, and just being a bum. In one of our post-breakup letters she says I never even called her beautiful or anything like that, and I realize she's kind of right. I forgot to take time during the day to just look her in the eyes and tell her how much she meant to me. (Then again, I make myself feel better by realizing she never made it a point to make me feel extremely appreciated either!). She wants people to jump through hoops for her without having to return the favor. She tells me she didn't feel appreciated and I think she's nuts. I did so much for her. Even while being unemployed, we took a weekend vacation where I paid for everything. She drives an old BMW and I had to keep it running for her so many times, buying $200 parts, repairing it myself, etc. I gave her so much even during a time when I should have been really careful with my money. One day when she was sick I showed up at her door and surprised her with a bunch of medicine and other stuff, and she even said to me "I can't imagine I would do the same for you if you were sick", so to turn around and she she was the one not being appreciated is strange. On the other hand, I was the one always begging her to leave her cellphone ringer on at night in case of an emergency, and she would still never do it. I wasn't worth it to her to press a little button on the side of her phone to make sure her ringer was on. Obviously I'm confused. There are many not-so-good things about her, but I was still the worse person in the relationship, and maybe if I had been strong enough to deal with some of my stuff, she would have worked on hers. Neither of us were perfect, but I can't let go because I know we didn't try everything, not even close. We hardly tried at all. There was hardly any communication about what was wrong until after the fact. I just regret that we didn't try.
Author Exit Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Just tonight I went to Friday's for dinner with my friend. We were seated in the outdoor dining area, and as we sat there in the beautiful weather with the music playing, I practically wanted to cry, because I was sitting there with the wrong person, asking myself why I couldn't have overcome my anxiety and my tendency to stay home all the time a little bit earlier, when it mattered. But then I try to remind myself that all she had to do was ask. Early in our relationship she told me she was fine staying home a lot, but all she would have needed to do was sit down with me and say "I know I said I'd be happy at home, but it's starting to be a bit too much for me, I wish we could go out more" and I would have started trying. She's the type of person who feels like she shouldn't have to ask for what she wants, that if you have to ask for something before someone does it for you, it doesn't mean very much. Yes, after a year and a half of mostly staying at home, I probably should have been able to figure it out on my own, I should have taken her out a little more often. But I was stuck in a rut, and she should have just told me. So this is the kind of stuff that I mean, "Going out with friends" is supposed to be part of healing, but all I do is sit there and realize I'm going out to dinner in public and not feeling too stressed out about it, which would have made my (ex)gf so happy. Why did I need to lose her before becoming the person I needed to be? What a crappy way to learn a lesson. I can't deny right now I really feel like next week on the 19th I'm going to write to her on the anniversary of our vacation. While we were on vacation, away from all the stress of home, I actually did manage to go out to eat with her multiple times, and I was in such a better mood the entire time, and I made it a point to ask her "don't you think I'm doing a lot better while we're away from home? and don't you think once we get through school and once I find a job, it'll all smooth out?", and we both agreed, we needed to make it through the rough patch and then it would all be better. But she bailed before we ever made it that far.
Nedved Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I think your being extremely hard on yourself here exit. Your still in the early stages of NC. Its very normal to sit in a restaurant and bar with friends and start getting feelings of anxiety and longings that your ex was there but the fact you've made the effort to come out of the house is a start. I'm broken up 3 months this weeks and have been NC from more or less the start and i still get those feelings but with its far less frequent now and it dose get better. Your blaming yourself for a lot here exit and like any of us who have been dumped we build them up in our heads to be this perfect little angel and a lot of the time the memories and thoughts of them are completely crowded by sentiment and their never as perfect as we make them out to be. You've already said she dose'nt take any share of the blame for the break up? what dose that tell you about her? From what you told us to be honest you certaintly contributed in a big way to her leaving you but i'm sure it was'nt all your fault. She's willing to let you accept everything was your fault while she go's out enjoying herself and your still going over what went wrong. I don't think you should write this letter next week. Will she write you a letter? No she won't so whats the the point? the best thing you can do is not write this letter because don't worry she'l remember herself that it was one year ago you went on a nice holiday together and by the sounds of it had a great time so let her take a couple of heavy breaths and realise your gone for a change. By writing this letter its like a last act of desperation to make her think about the good old days and think about you and it could drive her futher away. believe me she has'nt forgotten about your good side ans she never will but you just gotta leave her be for now as hard as it is. Maybe she will some back and prob she won't but at least you'l recover in time either way whatever happens. I know how your feeling man. I'm in the same situation but what can we do? I have'nt spoken to my ex but i'm dreaming about her and its not easy. We just have to get on with it and we will.
mendsley Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Hey all, I am in the exact position as Exit and Gypsi. I was married ten years until I was traded in for another model. I have been a very strong person and when something like this happens it brings you to your knees with the other person standing over you looking at you react with no regard of your feelings. This happened almost one year ago and I have heard all the same things, no contact or limited contact because of childeren, exercise, go out with friends, plan activities and stay positive. I am sure everyone reacts a little different in this situation but, I do believe it has to do with the frame of mind you are in. Example, when this first went down I cried, begged, pleaded, manipulated and put guilt trips so I can have what my mind thought I needed. Then after a few months I started to feel better, not thinking as much about her, sleeping better with no dreams of her with other men, and then my outlook was bright. Well, I went down to pick up my son for the summer and she asked if we all could go out and have fun...as a family(freakin joke). My dumb a$$ aggred and we had fun. When I got back it started all over again, I can't keep her out of my mind I want to call, write or whatever I can to talk with her so I can feel that exceptance. Like I said this has been almost a year since my wife left me and I am on a roller coaster from hell, because of MY actions I have been knocked back down and struggling to get back up top. What people, here, Devil Inside for example, is telling you is correct. I have felt what you are feeling, and I am currently feeling the same way, so I do know. I have also felt the feeling of getting over the feeling and it is hard, it will not just happen you do have to work at it and most of all give yourself patience. You will find the one thing that hepls more than anything and mine happends to be the gym and not talking to her, when I work out it really does help restrain the pain and not talking to her allows me to keep my mind clear, but when I go a few days without working out I can feel it creeping back up and when I talk to her my mind goes wild with images of what she is doing that I am not a part of.
Author Exit Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Wow, puts things in perspective to hear from someone who lost a ten year marriage. I shouldn't be complaining so much. That's the other thing I try to remind myself about this girl, even if we hadn't broken up recently, I don't think she'd ever be the type to stick around for a lifetime. She would have broken my heart eventually and I'm glad it was only after a year and a half. I've been dieting really strict and yeah working out is one of the best cures. I try to do that every day. I joined some dating site tonight and it helps just to realize how many single people are out there, I'm sure I'll find someone.
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