Ilovecake Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I don't know how to handle this. Since we broke up I've had severe anxiety attacks so in order not to run into him I've been avoiding going to places I love and seeing certain friends because there is a chance of me running into him. Now he has this new girlfriend who first of all is 16 years younger than me and secondly I'm pretty sure he was perusing when we were still living together. I'm so scared that if I see them together I won't be able to handle it. How can I get over that fear and start living my old life again? How was it the first time you guys saw your ex with a new partner? How did you react?
LostInLimbo Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I don't know how to handle this. Since we broke up I've had severe anxiety attacks so in order not to run into him I've been avoiding going to places I love and seeing certain friends because there is a chance of me running into him. Now he has this new girlfriend who first of all is 16 years younger than me and secondly I'm pretty sure he was perusing when we were still living together. I'm so scared that if I see them together I won't be able to handle it. How can I get over that fear and start living my old life again? How was it the first time you guys saw your ex with a new partner? How did you react? Hi ILC, we have all been through that and still go through it after breakups, some handle it differently, the way I handled it was I would stay away from any places we had in common, friends to, as they talk to much, sometimes not on purpose, lol, but I stayed away from any association with my ex, as to heal, your true friends will understand. Nobody is saying ignorn them, its almost like you have to ween them out, what I did, was the first thing mentioned to them Don't mention (him/her) to me, you will soon learn who your friends are, the ones who did, I seperated myself from them, unless of course I anted my ex to know something... Let me tell you this, no matter how hard you try, you will rarely be able to evade things or seeing your ex, if you see them, my suggestion would be, say Hi, thats it, and appear like your not hurting, that will only boost his or her ego. If you don't want them back and you wanna let go as well take time to heal...then go NC, if thats hard (will be) then go LC as I did... Good Luck, you have alot good advice here, as I still ask for it... LiL
silic0ntoad Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 While it hurts, every time an ex has left me for someone else, they usually aren't as physically good looking as I am. And I know myself, so I usually do actually laugh inside. I try to find humor in it; it's how I deal. Normally, I look away and keep walking. They left me, so I don't give them any attention at all. Just keep about your business and ignore them.
Author Ilovecake Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Hi ILC, we have all been through that and still go through it after breakups, some handle it differently, the way I handled it was I would stay away from any places we had in common, friends to, as they talk to much, sometimes not on purpose, lol, but I stayed away from any association with my ex, as to heal, your true friends will understand. Nobody is saying ignorn them, its almost like you have to ween them out, what I did, was the first thing mentioned to them Don't mention (him/her) to me, you will soon learn who your friends are, the ones who did, I seperated myself from them, unless of course I anted my ex to know something... Let me tell you this, no matter how hard you try, you will rarely be able to evade things or seeing your ex, if you see them, my suggestion would be, say Hi, thats it, and appear like your not hurting, that will only boost his or her ego. If you don't want them back and you wanna let go as well take time to heal...then go NC, if thats hard (will be) then go LC as I did... Good Luck, you have alot good advice here, as I still ask for it... LiL I have absolutely zero contact with my ex at this point, besides running across his posts on a website forum we met on, however I have him blocked so that I do not read anything he writes, it just shows his name when he posts. My biggest problem is that we ran in the same social circles mostly going to see live music and it's been almost 9 months since we broke up. Obviously we made contact a few times during those 9 months but I always put a stop to it because it hurt me to see or talk to him. I really don't have the desire to see him at this point but I really miss seeing these bands and I miss my acquaintances from those clubs. I have been avoiding going to shows for 9 months because he might be there with her. Just recently I started going to these clubs once in a while but mostly to see bands I know he probably wouldn’t so I haven’t run into him yet. However because that chance is there I feel like I’m going to throw up before entering the club. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I get so angry that he’s living our old life with someone else like nothing ever happened. I wish I was stronger and did not care if he’s there with her. [/FONT][/sIZE]
Author Ilovecake Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 While it hurts, every time an ex has left me for someone else, they usually aren't as physically good looking as I am. And I know myself, so I usually do actually laugh inside. I try to find humor in it; it's how I deal. Normally, I look away and keep walking. They left me, so I don't give them any attention at all. Just keep about your business and ignore them. That's actually a very good attitude. I know for a fact that I'm better looking than her. She's very plain and has a double chin, I saw pictures. The only thing she has going for her is youth and a high tolerance for alcohol. Speaking of laughing. I saw a recent picture of my ex and he looks awful, he's gotten really fat.
JLT123 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I have no idea who the person my ex is now seeing, but I would guess to assume the guy is more than likely a gomer. Knowing her, she went for a guy not as attractive and with less in common just so she can have a little lap dog she can control.
Author Ilovecake Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 You guys are actually making me feel better about this. Thank you.
Beeotch Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 My ex just announced on Facebook his new relationship status...but fortunately I really do not see him when I am out and about anyway so I doubt I will be seeing them together.... If I do...I do not know how I would react. I would ignore them perhaps but feel like shyt. Well now anyway that it is fresh, perhaps 3 months from now I won't care. Maybe you could perhaps avoid places you know he frequents and go to new places and find new hang out spots or be brave and go to the places you love with friends (not alone because if you do see him then you will probably feel A LOT worst while with friends you may not even notice him or they can cheer u up if you do see him and this girl)..chances are hight to that he might not be there the same times that you are. But start getting out and doing stuff. This fear cannot cripple you forever. It is unfair that these people have moved on and seem happy and care free while we still care...but we have to kind of fight that feeling of unfairness by forcing ourselves to go out and enjoy life too. It will be hard and sometimes will feel fake BUT eventually little by little it will become real and you will get to a place where if you see them you will not be crushed.
Author Ilovecake Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Sorry to read about your new facebook discovery, that's how I found out as well. For me I think the division of social activities and friends has been the hardest part of the breakup. I think once I get over that hump I'll be on my way to a full recovery.
Taucher Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 First, my situation with this. My ex and I dont have mutual friends. Her friends became my friends and my friends became her friends. After the split, the split up of friends was easy. We have NO mutual friends. So, I deleted my ex and ALL her friends from Facebook. That way I dont ever see any status updates or pictures or anything. Thats good. However, my ex lives on the same street as me and bumping into each other is inevitable. We live in a distinct part of London that is almost a little town in its own right. I am not looking forward to bumping into her. Now, Ilovecake, I think that maybe you are worrying about this too much. I'm not saying that seeing them will not be horrible, it will. But you are building this up in your mind which will probably make it worse when (if?) you do bump into them. You could try and avoid them all you like and one day see them. On the other hand, you may bump into them while trying to avoid them. In this case, not only will you see them anyway, but you will be annoyed with yourself, saying "I tried my hardest NOT to see them, but I do anyway!". It will make it worse. Also, your ex might have the same idea as you. He may be avoiding the areas where he may see you. As a result, you may see him in an area or new bar or somewhere that is completely different to where you used to hang out. Once you see him once, the second time will be easier, third time easier again and so on. If you never see them then you wont heal as quickly. If you change your life to avoid seeing them, ditto. Try not to stress, you cant live like this. Do your thing, go to YOUR places, the places that mean alot to you and if you see him, LET HIM see you living your life. You cant control him. You can control yourself. Good luck. T
Taucher Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 It is unfair that these people have moved on and seem happy and care free while we still care...but we have to kind of fight that feeling of unfairness by forcing ourselves to go out and enjoy life too. The best way to fight this is to 'seem' happy yourself also. If they seem happy, there is no guarantee that they ARE happy. Also, you dont know how other people are feeling. A few years ago, my friend was dumped by his GF of 3 years. A few of us went to a bar and my friend was telling me how much he misses her blah blah, and who walked in? His ex. She saw us all, turned around and left with her friends. Two hours later, he got a text from his ex basically saying "Well, YOU looked happy. Glad you moved on so quickly while I am still coming to terms with what happened to us". SHE HAD NO IDEA. He was miserable. And she also seemed to forget that what he was doing, going to a bar with friend, was EXACTLY what she was doing. T
NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I agree with Silic on that. Whenever I have seen my exes with other guys they are of how should I put this? "lower" status then myself and I actually chuckle to myself. If i were to see them I don't ignore them and if they approach me I talk to them and their new play toy just like regular conversation. Its pretty amusing though because usually when I see my exes with their new guy they are always talking to and focusing on ME more then they are to their new fling. Its like they don't even know he's there. I always get a kick out of it.
silic0ntoad Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I agree with Silic on that. Whenever I have seen my exes with other guys they are of how should I put this? "lower" status then myself and I actually chuckle to myself. If i were to see them I don't ignore them and if they approach me I talk to them and their new play toy just like regular conversation. Its pretty amusing though because usually when I see my exes with their new guy they are always talking to and focusing on ME more then they are to their new fling. Its like they don't even know he's there. I always get a kick out of it. I know, it's ridiculous. It seems as if they are almost ashamed of them. Which is funny. Whenever I find someone new after an Ex, I make it a point to NOT ignore them around my Ex. In general, though, whenever a girl and I break up, I usually don't end up seeing them for a while, as odd as that sounds. They seem to always come sniffing around a few months/year later, when I am already nose deep into someone else.
NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I know, it's ridiculous. It seems as if they are almost ashamed of them. Which is funny. Whenever I find someone new after an Ex, I make it a point to NOT ignore them around my Ex. In general, though, whenever a girl and I break up, I usually don't end up seeing them for a while, as odd as that sounds. They seem to always come sniffing around a few months/year later, when I am already nose deep into someone else. Thats exactly what happens to me too. Usually a month or month and a half later they come back around pretending like nothing happened and wanting to hook up again whether i'm with someone or not. Amazing how history repeats itself all the time.
Beeotch Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 The best way to fight this is to 'seem' happy yourself also. If they seem happy, there is no guarantee that they ARE happy. Also, you dont know how other people are feeling. A few years ago, my friend was dumped by his GF of 3 years. A few of us went to a bar and my friend was telling me how much he misses her blah blah, and who walked in? His ex. She saw us all, turned around and left with her friends. Two hours later, he got a text from his ex basically saying "Well, YOU looked happy. Glad you moved on so quickly while I am still coming to terms with what happened to us". SHE HAD NO IDEA. He was miserable. And she also seemed to forget that what he was doing, going to a bar with friend, was EXACTLY what she was doing. T That is very true. I think I said it in one thread before: That if my ex were to be looking at my life from the outside (I am going on all these trips with friends, I always have new pics up on Facebook, I flirt with other men, I have been out with other men, I don't talk to him etc) and he would perhaps have NO CLUE that I write on here or feel like shyt today or talk to my bestfriend about him. So I do consider that one cannot always know how someone really feels unless they say it. Even with his new found "relationship"....I am taking it as it is, he could very well have moved on and is happy but I also realize that being in a new relationship doesn't necessarily mean it is genuine and that you are happy and all that.... But I can't sit around thinking oh it is fake and all this...I am gonna take it for what it appears to be and DO ME If he is dying inside or using this new girl or whatever the case is..that is on him. I can't be concerned with it. I just have to genuinely let go all the resentment and move forward with me.
Author Ilovecake Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 They seem to always come sniffing around a few months/year later, when I am already nose deep into someone else. That's sort of how I saw the new relationship facebook status as well as knowing that he's going to be certain places I want to go. He comes sniffing around a lot and makes sure I find out what he's doing. He's a really sick person and it seems important for him that I know how well he's doing even though he's the one who dumped me and isn't really doing all that well. He always loved torturing me with things he knew were upsetting to me when we were together. He's a sick person and I think I have managed in the last week or so to block him from any internet connection he might have with me. The last contact I had with him was him sending me a message asking if "I'm over it yet so that maybe we could start trying to be friends, because that would make him more comfortable and he's over all the petty stuff now." His exact selfish words. I told him getting dumped on my birthday out of the blue was not petty for me and just started blocking his email address and whatever else I could. It's like he's completely blind to the fact that people have feelings and he hurt me. I should just get over it when HE'S GOOD AND READY. My solace is that he's treating his new girlfriend the same way. I no longer have to deal with his psychosis. :mad:
silic0ntoad Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 To be honest, alot of Ex's will make sure you know these things to cover up how they truly feel inside. Alot of them do it to cover up their feelings of guilt. When Tra and I broke up about two months ago, and I saw her (The last time I saw her before NC) it went down like this: I started NC. She texts me 6 days into it giving me s h i t about finalizing some stuff (seperating our cell phones, and getting the rest of my stuff.) without telling her. In anger, I drove to her house, and unleashed hell on her. Told her I didn't owe her anything, and this is what she gets from this point forward. When I asked her about us, and why she did this, all she did was say nothing has gotten better for her, and she kept wretching, like she was going to be sick. That's guilt. She can't cover it up. I know her to well. She deserves to feel that guilt. Some can cover it up, some can't. We spoke a few more times during the week before I went back to NC. Of course I got updates from people who saw her out with a chubby, dorky looking dude. But if that's what she wants, she can have that. Like I said, they usually never end up being remotely near you in appearance/emotional balance.
ScarLettIsle Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 when in doubt this is what FINE AZZ paid escorts are about.. lol not to make light of the situation... but since u were the one left with the emotions as he moved on or had been moving on while with - the role u play unfortunately means giving up some of the things that were routine when u were together - i know i know - she shouldn't have to - however it will cause her more pain - so until u are OVER him and the situation avoid those places - this is a chance u get to seek out new things - people forget we are always changing and evolving just because its not the same or what ur used to doesn't mean it can't be to ur benefit in the long run...
moo Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I love cake, I am concerned about these severe anxiety attacks that you said you are having. ARe you in therapy, on medication or both?
Author Ilovecake Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I love cake, I am concerned about these severe anxiety attacks that you said you are having. ARe you in therapy, on medication or both? Yes I've had panic attacks since I was a teen. Always associated with relationship issues. I'm being treated and mostly doing fine, there are however still situations that just make me way to nervous to function. This being one of them. Thank you for your concern.
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