Prober1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 12 Glimpse into my nightmare: Urgent feedback needed regarding this e-mail exchange. Tell me what you think of this e-mail exchange and how you think I should proceed; [COLOR=#22229c]http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299200[/COLOR] = Background info if you care to read the backstory My first email As I think you may know, I have developed a couple of friendships with two of the guys from the marriage ministry at church (Daffy, Micky). xxxx was the guy I was talking to after the wedding. I'm not sure how aware you are about the three couples that make up the ministry, but they have all experienced crises in their marriages and feel a conviction to reach out to others in similar situations. I have known for a few weeks that team recently went through a training in Nashville to start a program called Dynamic Marriage at church. They were going to do a Sunday School class of the program I am finishing up with Goofy (Marriage 911) but it is my understanding that the Dynamic course has had a lot of success in churches. Eric thinks the class will probably start sometime in the middle of September and will be on Wednesday evenings for 2 1/2 hours for a period of eight weeks. >From reading about the program, there will be alot of "homework assignments" outside of the group so it is fairly intensive material. This course is appropriate for couples at various stages in their marriage-pre-marriages, stagnant marriages, marriages with conflict etc. but was not specifically designed for couples who are not currently living together. The institute that developed the Dynamic Marriage course also developed a workshop called New Beginnings that was specifically designed for separated couples. This workshop is conducted over the course of three days. There is going to be a New Beginnings workshop in Nashville from 9/11-9/13. I do understand when you tell me there are things that only you can work on just as there have been things that only I could work on within myself. Also, I do believe that re-establishing good communication is very important for us. It is my desire to demonstrate the care and respect to you that you need and deserve. I hope that you will know that is not coming from a place of any desire on my part to convince or influence. I have prayed and pondered over this for a while now and know I can only tell you about these things-the rest is not within my control. here is a link to the site. More info is contained under the programs section. her response to 1st e-mail: I think we both still have more personal growth to make in ourselves before we can consider anything else. I know this maybe hard for you to understand but it is where I am at. I don't have all the answers you want and for now I think it is best we try talking as friends again like we discussed before. My 2nd e-mail : It is not my desire to start a disagreement or anything of that sort. I think I may have misunderstood the purpose of trying to learn to communicate in a healthy manner through our Wednesday night telephone calls. I understand that any hope for us will involve developing good communication, I guess I did not realize it was with the understanding that we may be sliding into the friendship role for each other. We should be friends, that is very important in marriage, but I don’t know how I feel about approaching things from the standpoint of lets be friends and lets see if there is still anything beyond that… I can only approach things based upon what you have told me during our time apart. You said previously that you do not love me differently. I do not know if that has changed. You said previously that you thought the problem is my anger, not our marriage. I do not know if you feel differently about that now. A lot has changed in the last several months. We are completely independent from each other. I don’t think this time apart is about seeing what lives we can build for ourselves and deciding if we are happier with each other than apart. That is not what this is about for me… If you are happy with your life now or think that there may be someone else out there for you or think you will be happier not being in a committed relationship with me, then I will accept that., but I will need to know that. I am still committed to you and am committed to our marriage- you know that- but you also know that we cannot rebuild unless we both agree to do that. I do not know if that is what you because some of the things that have happened. I do not know how to interpret you not wearing your ring. Originally you told me you were cleaning it but it appears to have turned into something more. I feel kicked in the stomach each time I look at your hand and have to wonder what that represents to you and what you want that to convey to me. I know it is your choice but if it is because you feel emotionally divorced from me or want to be single…then please tell me that so I know where we stand with one another. Again, communication is very important to me but if these calls are about you figuring out what you feel about me than that is not fair to me. Please tell me if I am wrong with these thoughts but I don’t know what other conclusion to come to. Again I did not wish to stop talking to you to hurt you (she is pissed about NC), and this is was never about me trying to convey to you that I don’t want to talk to you if we don’t talk about the things that I want to talk about, I was attempting to give you space that you are asking for but it is not fair to me to try and keep a part of me as your friend and ask me to leave the rest behind. I don’t know if that is what is going on and won’t know unless you tell me. Is there anything you would see as being beneficial beyond talking on the phone once per week? her response to second e-mail: As I stated I don't have the answers you are looking for and trying to push me to do so will not help things out. I recognize you maybe growing impatient but at this time I feel more change is necessary in us both. Again I have told you that I am not ready to discuss these things with you and yet here is another attempt for you to do so. I know you are trying to help but If Im not ready it's not helping. I reallize this requires patience on your part and but it is up to you to decide whether or not you are willing to be patient.
hopesndreams Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You have done and said everything you can for months now. Don't be just friends with her. It's all she wants from you, just the friendship aspect, as in, she has someone else for all the other stuff. She is deceiving you and keeping you on a string. She won't come out and say there is someone else, ever. One day, out of the blue, there he is! And, it just happened. Yeah, right. She is a complete control freak. She will do what she wants, when she wants, and has no care in the world for what you want. Sorry you are going through this. You need to put an end to your suffering. You have done all you can.
Nomad1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Prober1 - It is clear from your exchange that: 1) You want to deal with the issues and you are being patient with her 2) You want her to know that you are willing to be patient, but you wish to know if you have a common goal (a perfectly legitimate expectation) 3) She wants to maintain the status quo, to allow her time to test whatever waters she has dipped into 4) She is being unfair to you Abort! This will not go anywhere. She is controlling you. Free yourself It is mind boggling how selfish she is! She could have said that she just wants to bring it to an end. Sorry man. I would have divorced her when she walked. Regain your sense of worth! Stop wasting your time. Good luck Nomad1
LisaUk Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 It sounds like she is still angry about the behaviour that led to the seperation and also now the NC b/c she feels that represents the previous behaviour? I'm not saying she is being fair though! You clearly want to do whatever is necesary to work on your marriage, but you can't do that with someone who won't do the same. How do you feel about backing off for a while and continuing with the Wed night phone calls? Are you certain that their is no OM? Sometimes when their is an OM involved they can start cake eating. That is to say, they are testing out the new life with OM but keeping you on the hook as back up. I'm not sure that is what is happening here, maybe she is truely p****d at what led to the seperation?
TrustInYourself Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Easy enough. One simple statement will let you know if she is committed or not. I'm done, I want a divorce. Be ready for the answer you desire.
Author Prober1 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Easy enough. One simple statement will let you know if she is committed or not. I'm done, I want a divorce. Be ready for the answer you desire. I took your advice and did a variation of that statement while insisting on a final meeting to discuss the issue and told her that it would never have to be discussed again- She called, can't imagine herself with anyone else and would love for things to work out for us. She wants to keep it slow and steady but that is the most progress I have made in four months. Thx Trust in Yourself!
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