ab30 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 We really need some advice on this. As usual it's so difficult to explain any given relationship, person or situation on 'text'. There are so many levels to everything and no 2 people or situation are the same. I hope you'll trust me in what I say here as this comes from several weeks of discussions between friends. My friend recently broke up with his partner after 3 years. The first week or so he was ok, keeping busy, going out and doing the things he felt he'd been restricted in doing before. Then the dust settled and as he put it 'reality' kicked in. He's quite miserable behind closed doors but still puts on a very false 'i'm fine, i made the right choice'. He's still be in contact with his ex and got very angry when they didn't reply to just 1 message. He told me he's in a 'bad place' now and is generally having a hard time. Basically, he's far unhappier now then he ever thought he was before. They both met up recently but sadly it ended in a row (jealousy over a friend being in contact with the ex started it) and from what we heard he was sobbing his eyes out when they argued. He doesn't cry, in fact, I've never seen him cry! But again, he won't let himself see that his highly charged emotional response to that row shows how much he is still in love with them. In everyone's opinion he's in denial over his ex. He knows he could get them back and very easily sort out the small issues they had but for some reason he's fighting with himself and won't make that move. He's punishing himself and doing all he can to avoid facing up to the truth. The whole way he's acting and things he's been doing are a direct result of him missing his ex and trying to fill the void left - it was far greater then he ever expected. We hate seeing him like this and it's so frustrating that everyone else but him can see what the problem is. How do we try to communicate this to him? What is the best way to guide him in the right direction to understand his own emotions? We don't want to see him throw this relationship away and leave a trail of distruction behind. Thanks
GrayClouds Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 ok first of all we know its you. second your "friend's" issue is not about getting back with his ex or not. it is about what is the underlining reason he would throw away a good relationship, if it was actually a good one or if it was not, why is he having such a hard time letting go of a bad one. this is where you can help your "friend". encourage him to put his energy into solving this issue and he will be better in the future no matter if he is with or without his ex. i wish your "friend" well
Author ab30 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Sorry to say but this is a genuine case of a friend rather then myself. We're not sure why he ended it to be honest. From what he says it was because his partner had stopped living their own life away from the relationship which is a common thing and something that his ex now appreciates and has sorted. Aside from that they always boasted about never rowing and had built a decent home and life together.He was telling us a few weeks prior to the split how they were discussing getting a mortgage together - seems odd looking back that someone who was so unhappy in the relationship would make such a commitment. Either way, he's not happy but it's finding the 'magic' wording that will help this click in his mind.
GrayClouds Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 well you missed my point. you can not find the "magic" words only he can and he may or may not ever. but you can encourage him to understand his behavior, why he does what he does and did what he did. he will be better for it you may be right, there may be a 99.99999% chance you and everyone else is right but there is always a % chance your not and he is doing the right thing for himself. so be careful
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