confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 me and my bf are on a break, we are trying to sort things out... he said that i was selfish, inflexible, and immature, and i just want a little more perspective and subjectiveness on how he thinks i'm absolutely "inflexible" since this is a reoccuring problem in our relationship, i may have reacted a little dramatic on the last fight, but nonetheless, i don't necessarily feel like he should put the blame on me... (he wanted to go on the break, due to this fight, he said that he didn't want a gf that behaved like this) so let me briefly explain our first big fight... 5 months into our relationship: we're at the beach, my friend calls asking us to play poker, i ask my bf, and he says okay, but first lets go home to change and then head over to my friend's house. we are heading home to change, and his friend calls telling him that they are missing player for poker, and he immediately says okay. i get really upset bc he already promised me, this leads to a big fight, he goes to play with his friends, i cancel on my friend and i know i blew things out of proportion, but i moved out of his house (we were leaving together) 1 year into our relationship: we're in china visiting his family, and he's taking me and my friends around to give us a city tour. his brother calls, and says he needs a ride to work, and he says, "okay, i'll come and drive you". he doesn't say anything after he gets off the phone, but then i prompt him by asking if he has to go drive his brother. he says yes and asks if it's okay. i say fine (my mistake, bc i'm really not fine about it, but then again, he already said yes) next thing you know, he drops us at the side of the road and leaves, even though he was our tour guide, and ride. BACKGROUND INFO: we hang out alot bc we were both students, and if we were together or if we had made plans, it doesn't matter, if his friends call him for something in the spur of the moment, he will agree immediately to the plans without discussing or negotiating it with me... i feel completely disrespected and it has been the biggest issue in our relationship. i feel like it's due to his low self-esteem that he can't say no, and he tries to please everybody and he says yes to everything, and he in the end, he will cancel on me, bc i'm the one that is "closest" to him, and therefore, should be the most "understanding" and that i should be flexible about things like that. last big fight: it was 5pm, and we were at his house, he said we were going to take my dog to the park (i injured my hand and couldn't drive), and then dinner and catch a movie. his friend (a) calls, and says they need him to play poker at 6. (all their poker games are with 4 ppl) he discusses this with me, saying that he lost money and didn't pay last time, and there's this player who wants him to pay him today. i say, "you can just give him the money", he says he could but they need him to play till his other friend (b) gets off work. we finally agree to that my bf plays till 8pm, and regardless what happens, at 8pm on the dot, he brings me to the park (pinky swear and all) at 7, he texts and says that they just started playing bc player © just arrives, and was one hour late... i say, i don't care, you said 8, regardless if they are late or not and you start your game late or not, you said 8. at 8pm, he tells me that one player won't pick up their phone, and they don't know if they are coming or not, i say, "i don't care, it's 8pm, let's go, if i don't see you downstairs by 8pm, don't ever come to the park with me again" (yes, i know, harsh, but this always happens, and i'm sick and tired of it) he comes down at 8pm, but pissed looking of course. we're at the park, and then he treads carefully and says that he might have to go back to play poker. i say why? i thought you said you could leave after 8? it turns out, he only told friend (a) when he arrived that he could only stay till 8, and but he didn't tell the other players. he says, that they can't find their 4th player, and he's not picking up his phone, and therefore, he needs to be the 4th player and they are waiting for him to go back to play. i asked him why he gave him the assumption that he was going to go back to play when we already had plans to begin with. and that's when i went a little crazy. i refused to leave park, the poker players kept calling him, and i refused to leave the park for 2 hours. i asked him if there was any way he could not go back to play, and he said that there was no way. he had to go back to play. and then he blamed it on me, he said that if it was a chinese girl, they would be much more understanding, and that i wasn't flexible about changes in situations, and how i couldn't put myself in his shoes. he said that he couldn't ever have a gf that was so inconsiderate and wasn't adaptable to change. i say that you already made plans with me, and then i already let you go play till 8, if you say 8, you made a obligation to me that regardless what happens, you leave at 8. if you tell your friends you're leaving at 8, wheather or not they should start the game or not is up to them. if you didn't tell them ahead of time that you're going to leave at 8, that's your problem. and if you do leave at 8, why would you give them the assumption that you were going to go back, when you already made plans with me? now of course, his friends think i'm the one at fault, bc he told them that i wouldn't let him play, but that's solely bc he told them a one sided story. i know i'm at fault, but i'm kind of upset, bc i don't think i'm acting immature and selfish on this matter... i might have blown it out of proportion, but that's bc this similar thing happens ALL THE TIME. so am i really selfish and immature and not understanding and inflexible???
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 *sigh* This is a doozy. Um, cookie - I think you're both being rather immature. How old are the both of you? I DO think he's being rather inconsiderate when he makes plans with you and keeps breaking them to be with other people. OTOH - and really pay attention when I say this - your behavior in return is really childish. Just because he's being an idiot doesn't mean you have to return in kind. I gasped when I read he dumped you at the side of the road in a place that I assume you don't know very well. Yes - he's an ass. But the whole stomping-your-foot and throwing temper tantrum (like staying at the park for 2 hours - I would've just left you there) behavior you display really isn't necessary. It's clear he has put you low on his list of what matters. Is that really what you want? If not, then leave. He's not going to change. Men do NOT change. He is who he is. And if he's going to keep shoving it in your face that "some other girl would be better," then kick his ass to the curb and tell him "good luck." But quit with the temper tantrums - they're really unattractive.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 haha, i know and i admit to that the stint about refusing to leave the park was low. i admit it, i really do, and i will keep it in mind for all my future fights and relationships. but for him to blame the entire situation on me, that's very unreasonable, and i don't know how we have progressed to that. i will admit that i have blown it out of proportion, but this is the same thing that we fight about it over and over again, and it's true, men will not change, he still agrees to plans to that same day even when we're together and when we have plans later on. but out of curiosity, what would have been the best way to have handled the park situation? just to let him go play his poker and go make other plans? but in that sense, he still gets his pie and he eats it too, he still doesn't learn...
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 but out of curiosity, what would have been the best way to have handled the park situation? just to let him go play his poker and go make other plans? but in that sense, he still gets his pie and he eats it too, he still doesn't learn... OK, but what DID you get out of what you DID do at the park? You got to be angry for 2 hours, he was angry for 2 hours, and his friends think you're a jerk because of COURSE he's not going to tell them the whole story. Honestly, you can't make somebody want to spend time with you. I would have asked him long before now, "Do you even like me?" if I were you in your shoes. Yes - I would have said, "Fine, I'll go do something else." If you start ignoring it and living your own life, maybe he'll start wondering what you're up to and following you around instead of running from you. That is - if he actually DOES care. But what you're doing would push anybody away. Did you think that if you made him stay at the park that he'd be happy and joyful? You have to ask yourself what it is that you want to create in this relationship and what it is that you want to experience of yourself. If what is happening falls out of line with that - then change it by doing something different. But don't expect anybody else's behavior to change. If somebody isn't excited and tripping over themselves to spend time with YOU, then they aren't worth your time - YES, go do something else. You're worth more than the second-rate treatment you're accepting.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 oaky, but happens if you know and you feel that he really cares for and loves you but, it's just that, he can't say no. To him, I think he feels that he has no face if he tells his friends that he has plans with his gf and that he can't cancel on them. He just wants to please everybody, and he agrees to all these things, and then when he realizes he can't follow through, he ends up making more people unhappy. He hasn't this as a past experience with his other ex gfs bc he's from china, and in their culture, girls are seem inferior and are very submissive, so they do what they are told to do. Basically, he's told me that girls there are very understanding, and if it happened to them, the girls in China would have been totally okay with it. i feel that i am important to him, but in order to be the "man", he feels that he should be his family and friends above his gf in front of others, (like kind of like in an egotistical manner) but when we're alone, he's fine, and he's very attentive. it's comes with his culture, all his friends are like that, they put down their gfs or their gfs just sit there waiting while the "guys" play poker and such (the girls are very passive and submissive), and in comparison, my bf is already the better of them because he lived in canada for 2 years. to me, i feel like he doesn't understand my point on how inconsiderate he's being, but he feels that i should just be flexible in that sense that he says that his friends DO NOT plan things ahead of time, therefore, all their plans are spur of the moment and i should be more understanding and accommodating to his friends and their style. I mean, he's very doting as a bf, and if i'm out with my friends and when i come home, he drives to my house (apartment) just to ride the elevator with me late in the night to make sure i get home safe. the problem is no matter how many times we talk about this subject, and he says he will change/improve, it never happens, and we don't really see eye to eye on this topic. we're compatible in most areas, but this and family issues has really put tension into our relationship. i know that it may be time to move on, but i'm a little naive and i feel that if you both still love and care for each other, you can conquer all, but that is starting to fade...
curiousnycgirl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I agree entirely with Soulsearch - clearly this guy does not make you his priority ever (at least not in the instances you described here) - but your reactions are not helping. Why were you upset that he needed to drive his brother to work? No excuse for him leaving you on the side of the road - but what are you so rigid? If something important comes up - like someone needing to get to work - one needs to be accomodating. Poker games are not IMHO important things that come up. When his friend called him to join a game, after he committed to join your friend - he was renegging on his committment, I would have told him I was upset at what he was doing that going back on your word was not acceptable to you, and that you would be continuing on to YOUR friend's place, regardless of where he went. As far as the trip to the park is concerned, seems to me like you are his fall back position - he'll hang out with you/make plans as long as nothing better (in his opinion) comes up. Is that where you want to be? Why are you waiting around for this guy? Do stuff with other friends - make plans. Pitching a hissy fit is certainly not the way to go. Overall my vote is that you are not rigid nor are you selfish - you appear to simply want him to stand by his word. However you are childish in how you respond. So you need to work on that. You may also be too dependent on the man in your life - regardless of your relationship status (single or seeing someone) you should always be actively engaged with your friends - do not rely solely on one person for your entertainment/social life. Meanwhile you can ceratinly tell him that you have thought long and hard about it, and that it is clear to you that he cannot stand by his word, and therefore you will learn to stop relying on him.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Well, you're not going to be able to work against YEARS of conditioning and many outside influences to get him to change. MEN DO NOT CHANGE. If you can't accept what you see - right here, right now - without changing a thing...then it's time to go. They may say they will. They may act like they want to. But they do not change. So either accept the crap (and it is crap - I don't care what color you paint it), or get out and find somebody that can respect your time as much as his own (and his friends...and his family...and whomever he can find to come before you).
curiousnycgirl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Oops I posted before reading your last post - sorry. Basically I feel he is feeding you excuses and a line. Not all Chinese women are submissive - perhaps only the ones he has chosen to hang out with. I would suggest that you both stop making excuses for what is wrong with the relationship. What is wrong is that you hold eachother at different priority levels, and have different expectations of eachother. If how is friends see him is more important to him than how you see him - then you have your answer. Is it more important to him to save face with you or with everyone else. If he cannot make you the priority - are you ok with that? It really boils down to what you are willing to accept and live with.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do not rely solely on one person for your entertainment/social life. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep yep yep
stace79 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 haha, i know and i admit to that the stint about refusing to leave the park was low. i admit it, i really do, and i will keep it in mind for all my future fights and relationships. but for him to blame the entire situation on me, that's very unreasonable, and i don't know how we have progressed to that. i will admit that i have blown it out of proportion, but this is the same thing that we fight about it over and over again, and it's true, men will not change, he still agrees to plans to that same day even when we're together and when we have plans later on. but out of curiosity, what would have been the best way to have handled the park situation? just to let him go play his poker and go make other plans? but in that sense, he still gets his pie and he eats it too, he still doesn't learn... The best response is to dump him. He isn't living up to what you expect out of the relationship, and it sounds like he never does. It isn't just once in awhile he breaks plans -- you say he frequently does it. I agree with the previous poster; if you talk to him about this kindly and explain why it bothers you, but he continues to do it, then just break up with him. He is NOT going to change.
Teslacoil Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Cookie, I just have to tell you that your style of fighting (moving out of the apartment over the poker game especially!) reminds me of my ex-wife. She was completely selfish, would completely explode any situation and make it 10 times worse than it needed to be, and was a complete drama queen. HOWEVER, I'm saying this somewhat in jest. You're BETTER than my ex-wife for several reasons. - She would never acknowledge that she blew a situation out of proportion. At least in hindsight you are capable of realizing that you over-reacted a bit. - My wife would explode at things much much LESS significant than a game of poker. The best example being an hour AFTER an episode of a suspenseful T.V. show which somehow I "made" her watch, which she said upset her and stressed her out. In all seriousness, your reactions to your boyfriends idiotic commitment to his poker games are a bit extreme. Try to reign them in, and when you get into conflicts, try to fight more constructively and accomplish something. That being said your boyfriend is acting really immature and selfish and deserves it to a degree. Your boyfriend seems to have very little respect for you, which might be a cultural problem. I think it's really sad that he wants you to play the part of the stereotypical submissive Chinese girl. I'd be horribly insulted if I were you... even if you WERE a Chinese girl. Also, on a side note your boyfriend takes poker WAY too seriously. He might develop a serious gambling problem.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Why were you upset that he needed to drive his brother to work? No excuse for him leaving you on the side of the road - but what are you so rigid? If something important comes up - like someone needing to get to work - one needs to be accomodating. his hometown and where is brother was is actually 50 minutes away from where we where, and the brother needed to be at work 2 hours later. The workplace is 10 minutes away from his house, and his sister owns the store. (they have this huge close skit family, and i'm pretty sure that he could have found someone else to drive him) 2 reasons why i was mad: - In this case, i would have thought my bf would have suggested alternatives, or else have told his brother that he was 50 minutes and see if anybody else could drive, if not, fine, go back to drive your brother. i didn't see the situation being very important, bc within 2 hours time, i'm sure he could have found someone else to drive him, and we were 50 minutes away!! -Before promising his brother, he should have discussed with the people in the car, he is the only one that knows the city, and me and my friends can't read chinese (we were in china). i'm sure that he never thought of this because china men don't roll like that, but it would have been nice also, on another note, it may sound like i don't hang out with other people, but bc my bf is an international student in canada, he doesn't have a lot of friends, and he doesn't get along with my friends, so when i go out too often with my friends, he kind of feels that i neglect him. therefore, i feel that i'm inflexible in the sense that he rarely goes out, (if i'm out, he stays home and waits for me), but when he friends do call him to go out, i don't like it, bc his friends DO NOT plan ahead, it is ,"hey, wanna meet us 30 minutes from now" type of thing, because we usually have sometime planned to do. sometimes i feel that we have so much free time, being students and unemployed that the time we have spent is not as precious, but i try to get him to make plans and stuff, but he doesn't, he has to wait until they call, and by that time we already have plans and he thinks i should understand because we always have time for each other, but his friends rarely call him. i try to tell him to make plans ahead of time but his response is "that's not our style" i don't like this because it totally feels like i'm plan b, you hang out with me bc you have nobody else to hang out with. i think for me, it's an issue of respect.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 also, about men not changing lol... i kind of think they do have the capability to, if they want to... some examples: 1) he use to drive like a crazy man, now he drives great! that is he understood that i was trying to tell him people drive different from here and china. 2) he's smoked for 20 years, and coming here, i said i didn't like it and that it was bad for his health, and he stopped cold turkey and hasn't gone back since. 3) in his culture, men do not wait or care if the woman has a orgasm or not during sex or foreplay... lol, can you imagine my surprise the first time when he just stuck it in, and he literally, got in, got off, and got out and then rolled over to sleep? now, he patiently waits till i finished and gives a helping hand, and then he does his thing.., lol also, like i said, it might be a cultural thing, but it might also be a low self esteem thing about him. you can change a low self esteem right? example: like i keep saying, he likes to please everybody, and he can't say no. so there's this restaurant and he loves their noodles, and then one day his friend calls him, and tells him that he was at that restaurant and that the noodles were too spicy and disgusting. you know what my bf said? "yeah, i know, it's so spicy and disgusting right?" i called him out on it when we were alone, and he seemed embarrassed and i told him that everybody is entitled to their own opinion and you don't have to lie about how you feel, and now it's gotten better. if he disagrees with what people say, he doesn't agree with it anymore, but he merely keeps quiet about it, which is fine. also, with the low self esteem, that's why he says yes to all the plans, and then he feels that he doesn't know how to say no to them, therefore, he cancels on me instead? or am i just making excuses for him? i feel that it is low self esteem bc of a recent fight which went crazy big over something very simple: we were watching tv, and there's this american girl on tv and i was wondering her english name, he told me it was valiarkyet (something like that), i started laughing and said that there was no way, i've never heard of a name like that and she's american? i admit, i laughed for a good whole minute, and he proceed to look it up on the internet, and i got up to hug him, and he flung my arms away and said, you make me sick, i can't deal with you right now, he literally looked him he was very very angry and disgusted with me. i was hurt, and the immediate thing i did (i know, i admit, i shouldn't have) was just to walk out, since he said he was sick of me right now right? he didn't even call back, i called him back the next day, and he explained that he thought i was laughing at him, and that i look down at him, and that my english is better doesn't give me the right to laugh at him. i honestly did not see it that way, i just thought it was one of those "teasing" moments, and i said that bc you think you're english is bad (esl student), therefore, you think i think its bad, but if this happened in chinese and i laughed at you, this would have rolled off your back bc you're confident in your chinese skills. so i feel like he has low self esteem, and therefore, sometimes when i tell him like a constructive criticism, he can't take it, he'll immediately blow up... it's not that i'm laughing at him, i just want him to grow better as a person...
Mahatma Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You both are being a little silly about this. However, he does not seem to make you his number 1. There is a fine line between making you his number 1 and letting you run his life, but he is not crossing it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 OK - but the things you mentioned that he changed - it sounds like it didn't take much for him to change them. You mentioned a preference and he changed (meaning they obviously weren't that important to him). The putting you last thing - he keeps doing it and doing it even though you've told him it bothers you. when i go out too often with my friends, he kind of feels that i neglect him. WTF? Helloooo, double-standard. I would guess that at least you give him notice that you're going out and you don't break plans that you already had set with him to go out with your friends? So have you mentioned to him, "How do you feel when I go out with my friends all the time and leave you alone? I feel that same way when you break plans that we had ahead of time for your friends."
Author confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 WTF? Helloooo, double-standard. I would guess that at least you give him notice that you're going out and you don't break plans that you already had set with him to go out with your friends? So have you mentioned to him, "How do you feel when I go out with my friends all the time and leave you alone? I feel that same way when you break plans that we had ahead of time for your friends." i know, it's not even that, he wants me to tell him ahead of time or ask him for permission, like he'll be, "wanna go out tomorrow?" and i'll be like, "i have plans with girlie #1", he doesn't like that... he's like, well if you make all these plans without letting me know, i'm just going to stop asking you out... bc you'll be busy already... he wants me to go, "girlie #1 wants to do this and this, do we have anything planned on tomorrow, if not, can i go?" but i admit, he's more gracious than me because if my friends call when we're out, sometimes, option A: he'll say, "no, it's okay, you go, i know how much you wanted to bake cookies with girlie #2, it's fine, i'll just drop you there, and after i pick you up, we can go eat" option B: or sometimes, my friends call, and we change our plans, and we go meet up with my friends to watch a movie or what not. but with his plans, i'm never included in it, so for him, he just leaves, without discussing it with me, and now it's gotten better to the point he discusses it with me (more like he tries to reason with me to get me to let me go) so he throws it back on me that i'm not flexible enough to do that for him, especially when his friends are the SPUR OF THE MOMENT guys... to just graciously say, it's okay, we'll just cancel our plans, you go ahead... i can't, i just feel so plan B, do you know what i mean? like it's true, he'll sometimes tell me to go out with my friends even when we're together bc he knows "how much i want to do that", but he says i can't do the same for him... so i do feel like i'm being selfish and inflexible... ( i just wished that if my friends called me out, the few times that i did, i should have never went with them, because it is so much harder to argue my point now, because i've done it before too =( but to me the difference is that i don't expect to change my plans with him if my friends calls, but for him, it's expected of me to be okay for our plans to be cancelled when his friends call, and each time that he goes out, it's usually this situation. if i go out with friends on a certain day, i tell him to make plans ahead for that day, but he won't, and he'll call the day of, and his friends will usually already be doing something so he'll stay home. and he never wants to be the one to intiate plans, he always waits to be the person that gets asked out. if he thinks that he may need to play on saturday for poker, he won't confirm instead: on the day on: he goes, why don't we chill and watch a movie at my place, and go to night market at night, but if i have to play poker, you wait for me at my house until i come home and we can go for a late night snack? it's like he can't call ahead to ask, he has to wait for them to phone him... so because it's his only way that he does go out is when he gets asked by his friends, other times, he just stays at home, so i kind of feel that i should just let it be, but on the other hand, it really BOTHERS me because i feel like second priority, not respected, and basically like a doormat...
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 :laugh: And the truth comes out. Man, oh man. I'm not going to get into the pit of manipulation that is, "I'll give in on this point for my SO just so I can stick it to him/her when I want to do the same thing." Generally you should do nice things for your SO because you want to - not because you're keeping it for later use. ANYWAY...sounds like you guys are perfect for each other. LOL I'm not sure what the problem is other than, yes - you are acting like a crazy GF. But I think you already knew that.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 :laugh: And the truth comes out. Man, oh man. I'm not going to get into the pit of manipulation that is, "I'll give in on this point for my SO just so I can stick it to him/her when I want to do the same thing." Generally you should do nice things for your SO because you want to - not because you're keeping it for later use. ANYWAY...sounds like you guys are perfect for each other. LOL I'm not sure what the problem is other than, yes - you are acting like a crazy GF. But I think you already knew that. sigh, i'm being completely honest, and i'm trying to give you a balanced perspective because i really do value your opinion. if i really wanted you to "be on my side" i would have just ranted about what i dick i thought my bf was, but i didn't. and i genuinely want to fix this, i mean, i have no problem not canceling on our plans if my friends do call, but it's the fact that it really BOTHERS me that he does it every time his friends call, and he says that that's the way it is. and because he always alone at home and never goes out, that i feel compelled to let him be, but on the other hand, i feel like second priority, or that he doesn't respect me =( and if i could drive this point to him, and get him to understand, i would instead of being on here, but he doesn't understand and thinks i'm inflexible and selfish... and who wants their bf to think that of themselves? and i honestly don't know what to do... and granted even if i'm a crazy gf, at least i'm trying to fix it
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I wasn't trying to insult. Merely pointing out what seemed obvious. Seriously. It sounds like you BOTH want to be the priority...the one-and-only...the no-other-entertainment-allowed in the other person's life. I don't think it's healthy for either of you. Now, I know - it's going to come back to you saying, "But...." it's just that he does it on short notice - not that he DOES it. Like I said before - if he actually WANTED to change, he would have by now, Cookie. I'm being totally earnest when I say that. I was married to a man for 4-1/2 years who DID make some very positive changes in his life. But the things that I just couldn't stand and were our ultimate undoing - they were worth more to him than our relationship. He just didn't realize he was making that choice until he saw my ass walking out the door. And sometimes...just sometimes...that's what it takes for them to make a different choice. Unfortunately, it's a choice that won't make a difference to YOU, because you have to be gone for it to stick. You have to decide if your feelings are valid or invalid on this point and if you're going to be willing to compromise. OK...thinking about it...would this be an option... To make an agreement with each other - when you have made prior plans together, that the phones stay OFF until the time is done? I don't mean like a whole day at a time. But like 2 hours isn't going to kill anybody. This would have to be one of those pre-agreed-upon things. Like on a "big" date. Now, if it's a spur-of-the-moment thing like, "Hey, let's go to the park," then I'd say it's not fair because then either one or both of you will start holding the other captive with the phone agreement. No - I'd say hold the phone thing for only once a week. Then you have like 2 hours of uninterrupted "us" time that CANNOT be stolen. But anyway - for the spur-of-the-moment thing... maybe if you're out at the park and somebody calls him to go do something and he just says, "Yeah, okay," the minute he hangs up the phone, he gets to make an agreement to make it up to you (or vice versa). Because in a way, somebody has broken their word. And I think it's vital to get that trust back. So maybe something simple, like, "When I get back from this poker game, I owe you a 20-min foot massage." But if you agree to this - you CANNOT freak out on him. You cannot make his decisions for him on whether or not he goes. But he knows that if he DOES go, he owes you something. But not something that's going to be laborious or annoying - something that can give you two a chance to bond when he gets home. But he needs to agree on whatever the price is before he leaves you. That's the best I can come up with. I've been awake for 25 hours - cut me some slack. LOL Now - if this starts turning into fights now about, "You owe me," then I'm going back to my original opinion, which is that you two are not compatible. Because in order to be compatible, you BOTH need to be willing to bend and work your ass off for the relationship. I think integrity is highly important in my SO and if he continually broke his word to me like yours does - he'd be gone in a heartbeat. Hell - first time could be an "oops." After that? uh-uh - that's straight-up disrespect.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 thank you, now that was a very constructive post, and was very helpful, thank you =)
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 YW. I hope he wants this relationship as badly as you do.
Author confusedcookie Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 to be truly honest, i don't think he does... and he's left canada for good, and gone back to china, his friends and family think i'm too outspoken and not submissive enough =( umm.. i think i'm asking for the rare chance that we try to work things out (it's the stupid hopeless hope, i know), or a learning lesson for my future relationships and something i can learn from... it's true, we never fight constructively... and we may have common interests, but in the end, its our values that are not compatible, and since he's back in china, and he's gonna forget all the stuff we tried to work on and he's gonna convert back to his china man values and lifestyle... it was a good 1 year 3 months before it went downhill for about 4 months, he was my first, we lived together, so it's a little hard for me to move on but this was a good retrospect analysis anyways =)
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Well, that's good. Now you can apply all that you learned from that relationship to a new one. Somebody that's willing to be flexible for YOU, too. I don't regret my failed marriage - I look at everything I've learned and I'm SO grateful. Not to mention - it also gives you a better idea of what you're looking for in a SO.
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