He keeps changing his mind

[Juliet34]

I have a sense that I know already what everyone will tell me but I am asking anyway!!! I am hoping that this will be a good chance to get feedback from an objective source.

 

I met my boyfriend in December of 2007 and we have been together ever since. It just happened that way naturally since we realized right away that we really enjoyed similar things, had fun together and really got along well. The first year of our relationship, I have to agree with my boyfriend, I behaved in an uncertain and evasive way towards him. This is because I spent 7 years in a long term relationship and soon after that was over; I fell in love with another man so intensely like no one before or since. And that ended quickly and painfully. So naturally I behaved in a non-committal – like way, because I was guarded and cautious. I wanted to make sure before I got emotionally involved with someone again I would be certain that it was the right person. My boyfriend on the other hand wanted to be with me all the time, had me meet his parents after 2 months of being in the relationship and wanted to live together after only 3 months. I was pretty clear with him that I have tried living with men before and it never worked out for me in the long run. In the past 5-7 months I started to think about the future and have started wondering if he will propose. I am 34 and he is 37. We both have never been married. We don’t live together because I won’t live with him because we are not even engaged. In the past few months majority of my friends have been either getting married or getting engaged. And most have been with their partner for less time than my boyfriend and I. All my friends are in the mid 30s to late 30s and there is no time to waste especially if you want kids. So I started a conversation with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago, about where our relationship was heading. And he kind of freaked out, saying that I just want to get married because all my friends were and that I was so non-committal the first year, why have I changed all of the sudden. I think I was always committal, I have been faithful to him since the first day we met, we spend all our weekends together, and we have spent every vacation together and holiday. I was non-committal in regard to discussing the future but very committal in actions.

 

So every day now since I brought up the topic of moving to the next step my boyfriend changes his tune. One day he feels like he wants to concentrate on his career and can not think about next step in our relationship until that’s done. Next day, he says that he knew I was the one for him from the first day we met and he wants to be married and have kids because he too is not getting any younger and at 37 he would not be wasting his time in this relationship if he did not think I was for him. Next day he just wants to live with me, or plan an amazing vacation for us. Next day he says that I am putting too much pressure on him; I don’t believe I am since I have not brought the topic up again since the initial conversation. He is brining up the topic everyday. He told me that he feels that I am pulling away and he is freaking out. He is right, I am no longer sure that this is a good investment since I want marriage and a family. So he calls me all the time and text messages. Talks about how it’s crucial that we spend as much time together now as we decide on the next step. So what do I do? How do I read his behavior as? I told him that maybe I am not the one for him and we should go our separate ways but he once again freaks out and does not want me to leave but he also does not seem to take any steps towards a more committed relationship. Am I not the one? Is he a comittmentphobe? Or maybe he is not ready or can’t make a decision? Too many unknowns are driving me crazy. I told him that if by the end of the year we are not ready to get married I will leave him, this is a timeline I gave him during the first and only time I brought the topic up. Few days ago when he brought up the subject again I asked him "do you remember what the timeline for me was for this relationship?" He said that by the end of this year we need to talk and decide if the next step is in our future. Did he not hear me? I was not talking about discussing anything at the end of the year, I meant getting engaged. I am confused about my situation...I feel like I am doing something wrong. 34, attractive, successful, financially stable but keep failing with man.

HELP!!!!

[giotto]

sounds like commitment phobia to me... I'm not an expert, but I'm sure others on this board will be able to give you some insight into the problem... google "commitment phobia" as well...

[PhoenixRise]

I think you need to take control of your own life. You want marriage and children you need to get really clear about whether or not this is possible with your current bf. It looks to me like he does not want to get married but he does want to drag things out and keep you hanging on and hoping that he will finally commit. He hopes if he can keep you satisifed with promises to talk and holidays and vacations the subject of marriage will just go away.

 

You have given him a deadline. Mean it and stick with it. When you deadline passes let him know that you will be dating other people.

[Thaddeus]

To Juliet34, examine what PR said closely:

You want marriage and children you need to get really clear about whether or not this is possible with your current bf.

All good points.

 

But there's a catch. (There's always a catch, isn't there?)

 

Which is more important? Your man or your plan? That is, if you could only have one, is it more important to have your life scripted in the way that's been laid out here, or is it more important to have a loving man? If your loving man, one who you connected with on all levels, didn't want marriage and children, would you give him up and settle for one you couldn't connect with as much but was willing to go along with your plan?

 

I know... it's a tough call. What's your take?

[Island Girl]

There is nothing stating that you will never find another man to love - so far you have found a few. And if you want marriage and a family there is NO REASON you should not have just that.

 

Do not settle. Do not sacrifice what you want your life to be to stay with someone who can't give you complete fulfillment.

 

You are right that you are in crunch time as far as your biological clock goes. So it is time for YOU to make up your mind about what YOU want and convey that in a respectful very honest way to your current boyfriend while letting him know you want honest feedback. If he does not feel the same way, but you decide you want HIM regardless, then you need to shelf your desires for marriage and a family.

If you want marriage and a family and it is something you will regret forever then move on immediately.

[quankanne]

I told him that maybe I am not the one for him and we should go our separate ways but he once again freaks out and does not want me to leave but he also does not seem to take any steps towards a more committed relationship.

 

going to play the devil's advocate here for a moment: Well, um, YEAH, he's going to freak. You go slowly into the relationship with him, and once he gets adjusted to that, things are going swimmingly well, and he's prolly thinking, "She cares about me, but I'm not going to rock the boat because I want to be with her." Basically, he's treating the relationship with kid gloves because he doesn't want it to go belly-up. And that's understandable.

 

fast forward to now: You're seeing your 30-something friends starting to get married, and you realize that your biological clock is ticking, and you broach the subject of marriage. Although it's hard to say this, your boyfriend has a point when he asks if this isn't some kind of reaction to what's going on with your friends – remember, he's been handling this relationship as something delicate because he doesn't want to scare you away, he really wants to be with you.

 

"he kind of freaked out, saying that I just want to get married because all my friends were and that I was so non-committal the first year, why have I changed all of the sudden."

 

he's freaking out because suddenly, you've changed the rules on him, and it's turned his world upside down.

 

it doesn't sound like he's a commitment phobe, just genuinely wondering if this girl, who came into the relationship hesitantly, really and truly wants to be married to him or if she's just reacting to what's going on with her friends.

 

instead of wondering where HIS heart is, take a good look at your own to discover if your boyfriend is indeed the guy you want to make a lifetime investment with, or just the person in the right place, at the right time, to do the family thing with. There's a huge difference, and my guess is that he has already figured this out.

[Island Girl]

I agree with you as well quank. That is what I thought when I read it too.

 

OP - really, get your wants and needs sorted out that'll tell you what you need to do.

[quankanne]

it also will go a long way towards him seeing/understanding that you feel HE is the one you want to be with, not just someone who is convenient!

[Juliet34]

Your post sounds allot like some of the things he said. I guess I was hoping that he would be happy and excited to start his life with me by taking the next step. He tells me that he trusts me all the time, that he feels so lucky that he has found me, that our relationship has been the most loving and most stable he has had. I have stood by him during though times. When he thought I was going to potentially turn my back on him I just comforted him and tried to be a grounding force in his life. I really get along well with his parents and he himself says that they love and care for me. He has stated that I am the most easy going person and he enjoys every minute with me, something he has never felt with another woman/person. He says that I am an amazing catch.

 

So naturally I feel hurt because I feel like I have proven myself to be an honest person with integrity but the minute I ask for something more meaningful, I get a push-back.

 

From the beginning he has said that he could not believe that a woman like me was still single. I could play devils advocate and say that he is with me because he doesn’t want to let go of a great catch. Maybe he doesn’t know if he wants it for himself either.

 

I would not be with him if I did not see qualities in him I really loved and wanted in a husband. I am also 34 so I no longer nor have I ever been affected by peer pressure. I just want more and am being realistic.

 

I guess the time is right for me and I feel like he is right too. And it feels when it comes down to it that the time might not be right for him and I might not be the right girl. I tend to be a task oriented person while he is very emotion based. We know that about each other. I know that what I say to him might feel pragmatic but that’s the way I am. I see something I want; I plan and go for it. It’s not a bad thing, that’s what makes me successful in many parts of my life.

 

You are right I have changed the game on him... but everyone that knows me has seen this as a gradual change and he has mentioned that he has seen an amazing change in me too. Given the nature of the change I just assumed that he would see marriage as the next step not a surprise.

[Teslacoil]

he's freaking out because suddenly, you've changed the rules on him, and it's turned his world upside down.

 

it doesn't sound like he's a commitment phobe, just genuinely wondering if this girl, who came into the relationship hesitantly, really and truly wants to be married to him or if she's just reacting to what's going on with her friends.

 

Exactly right, in my opinion.

 

Can I add that giving your boyfriend "time limits" is not going to help things? You just changed the paradigm of your relationship with your boyfriend. Things are going to need time to progress naturally. You BOTH need to make sure you're ready for marriage before you jump into it.

 

Otherwise he might propose to you simply because he doesn't want to lose you. Would you rather he propose to you because he doesn't want you to break up with him, or that he propose to you because he wants to marry you? It's not the same thing.

[Thaddeus]

You are right I have changed the game on him... but everyone that knows me has seen this as a gradual change and he has mentioned that he has seen an amazing change in me too. Given the nature of the change I just assumed that he would see marriage as the next step not a surprise.

You assumed? You agreed that you changed the game, but then you assumed that he'd go along with the change?

 

You're making more than one assumption here. One of the other assumptions is that you think he should think like you in that marriage is the 'next logical step.'

 

But men generally don't see marriage as a logical step in a relationship - they see it as a milestone in their own life that has much, much more to do with social status and financial commitment than anything at all to do with love. I stated as much in that link to the thread I've got in my signature:

Men generally see marriage as a social and financial contract and a stage in their life, not primarily a love match. Yes, love enters into it, but it's not the primary driver for a man. And it (refraining from marriage) doesn't mean he's any less committed to you, it just means that he's not interested in that social contract.

For the record, I didn't make that up, I used a number of different sources on relationships, from books to chatting with friends, and have always found it to be true.

 

Now, you can disagree with it if you wish and that's perfectly OK, but it doesn't make it any less real.

[giotto]

You're making more than one assumption here. One of the other assumptions is that you think he should think like you in that marriage is the 'next logical step.'

 

 

well, it should be, eventually... that, or commitment phobia...

 

Jokes apart, he needs time to reflect on it and, don't forget, children are a huuuuge step! For as woman, that might seem natural, but for a man is a cerebral thing more than anything else, at least at the beginning... what happens after is really anyboy's guess...