Zapbasket Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 My partner of 1.5 years broke up with me a month ago; as of last week I got my things and myself moved out of his house. I moved across the country to be with him a year ago, and mostly the only people I interacted with socially were his friends. He has some wonderful friends; I really liked the community of his friends that was around us. I was beginning to make friends of my own, but the progress was slow. And so, again, most of my social contacts now in this city are his friends. I've never been in a situation like this before (this is only my second serious relationship). My partner was older than me by 18 years, and consequently most of his friends are older, also. That was no issue for me as I've always had a mix of friends my age and friends older--sometimes much older--than me. Many of his friends are married; all are well-established in careers and well off. Since the break-up, several of his friends have stepped forward and helped me out. All of them have been pretty open with their opinion about my ex--pretty unanimously, they think he's a man with many wonderful attributes (intellect, charm, talent, a sweet, "puppy-dog" quality)...but also one who is narcissistic, and poor in romantic relationships (he's had a lot of women in his 50 years but no marriage and most of his relationships have only lasted a year, only one 3 years). They have all told me they think he's a fool for quitting our relationship. I have a fear that once the "sensationalism" of our breakup wears off, his friends are going to fade away. Maybe it's an irrational fear, I don't know. Some of his friends I like especially and would really like to develop a separate friendship with each of them. It's hard to tell who might feel the same way, or whether anyone feels the same way. I worry that maybe they just feel sorry for me, coming all the way out here only a year ago and trying to forge a life here, only to have it all taken away and have to basically start from scratch with much less money than I had a year ago. Maybe they're just helping me because they feel pity? Again, I don't know...and my mother tells me time will shake it all out and perhaps a few people will remain as my friends, separate from my ex. What's the...etiquette...if that's the right word, for this situation? How do I indicate that I would like to be friends with several of his friends, and that in that friendship I don't need for them to "choose sides," but rather be open to developing something with me that is them and Me rather than them and [My Ex's] Partner. Because I'm temporarily homeless, poor, and jobless, I can't really do the same things we all used to do together when I was with my ex. I mean, I can go to their houses for dinner, say...but I'm not in a position to reciprocate in kind. All I have to offer are my genuine interest in knowing them better, my liking of them, my warmth, my mind, and my time. So what can I expect over the coming months? What has been others' experience in a similar situation? My biggest fear: that in a few weeks, when the breakup is old news, everyone will just go on being my ex's friend and will forget all about me...or just remember me vaguely as a temporary presence. And I'll find myself much, much more alone here than it has felt these past several weeks. (Originally I posted this in the Marriage thread but perhaps it better fits here.)
ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Since the break-up, several of his friends have stepped forward and helped me out. All of them have been pretty open with their opinion about my ex--pretty unanimously, they think he's a man with many wonderful attributes (intellect, charm, talent, a sweet, "puppy-dog" quality)...but also one who is narcissistic, and poor in romantic relationships (he's had a lot of women in his 50 years but no marriage and most of his relationships have only lasted a year, only one 3 years). They have all told me they think he's a fool for quitting our relationship. I have a fear that once the "sensationalism" of our breakup wears off, his friends are going to fade away. Firstly, if he were a narcissist, he would've never had a 3 year relationship unless the girl was suffering from EXTREME low self esteem issues AND/or dependent personality disorder. He may have one or two narcissistic qualities, but I don't think he's a narcissist. As for those friends of yours. Expect to lose about half of them, but the other half will stick around. Seriously, you can probably write these words down and store it in a time capsule for like 6 months and then bring it out and read it, and you'll think you're a psychic. Or I am, if you remember where the advice came from.
Author Zapbasket Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Oh, he's a narcissist. His entire circle of friends are psychologists and psychiatrists, and they all call him a narcissist. Also, my partner is a psychologist and recognized expert in personality disorders, and his own personality assessment tests rate him a narcissist. You're right that while he might not have NPD, per se, he indeed does have a narcissistic personality *organization*--meaning, he's in the narcissistic spectrum without having a full-blown disorder. He's liked by his friends, though many do say he puts himself first even in friendship. And that woman with whom he had a relationship for 3 years? She did have some real issues. She herself has never had a long-term relationship, and she, too, is 50. What you say aligns with what I'd expect but...that half that I'll lose, why will I lose them? Some I know I'll lose because there's just not enough there for us to have a separate friendship, and that's fine with me. It's the people I really like who also seemed to really like me that I'm worried about. Many friends of his have come forward to say that my ex has a lot of bad character traits and especially around romantic relationships, and then they feel they've been disloyal by saying that, and backtrack, and I don't understand what the problem is. I mean, if my ex has a problem so pervasive and longstanding that his friends all recognize it, and recognize it as it manifests in friendship, then what's the problem with just acknowledging it? I'd not feel any qualms telling the ex-partner of a friend of mine who tended to hurt women in relationships that the friend was a jerk to women--especially after I had to witness the ex-partner be summarily dumped out of his home less than a year after moving cross-country to be with him, and having no job, no income, no car. Sorry, just venting. I feel very alone here and don't know who, if ANYONE, I can count on.
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