ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 BAD. You're dealing with a narcissist I think. Had I known that from the start, I'd tell you complete NC. You don't beat a narcissist. You don't even get to battle them.
NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Wait. I just got a 3rd answer from a friend. What do you guys think: "The best proof that you've moved on is polite indifference, not neglect and anger." Basically when she emails me, to see how im doing and to tell me about her life. I message back: telling her im sorry, but im not interested in speaking to her. Best of luck. Goodbye. Not bad? That is bad. If she e-mails you to ask how you are doing how about this one: "I'm doing good thanks things have been busy for me. I'll get back to you when I have more time K?" And leave it at that and send it? Thats what I would do anyway.
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I like to use the phrase "caring indifference" because you can be indifferent and be caring but just not go any deeper then she is being with you. Ignoring them outright is being a dick. Theres nothing wrong with getting back to them but again if you keep it short and sweet with very few words your far better off. If a chic wanted a two page text message she would text one of her girlfriends. Hmm...this one's interesting too. Basically a 1 sentence answer. It's funny how all 3 types of response can trigger such different reactions. 1- Not responding= dick move. Im guessing the woman would just resent you instead of respecting. OR She could feel bad herself. Never know. 2- Responding but waiting....as mentioned, can seem forced/unnatural. 3- Responding with indifference/politely. Seems to be the best answer.
ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Sigh. You are hearing what you want to hear, and grasping at straws and doing mental gymnastics to fit what you deep down believe is right. Hope you like walking on hot coals, because you're going to be hanging out in hell for a while.
deux ex machina Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Personally I wouldn't answer her at all. She's going to be gone anyway. Let her sweat a bit, maybe she can grow from the experience. After the way she talked to her friend about you, she does not deserve to be engaged with you anymore. Protecting yourself is not a dick move. You can choose who to engage with and who not to, and this woman is apparently an experienced manipulator. My advice is to let sleeping dogs lie. For your sake.
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 That is bad. If she e-mails you to ask how you are doing how about this one: "I'm doing good thanks things have been busy for me. I'll get back to you when I have more time K?" And leave it at that and send it? Thats what I would do anyway. i think that is absolutely perfect! I love how "indifference" can spark so many emotions.
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Sigh. You are hearing what you want to hear, and grasping at straws and doing mental gymnastics to fit what you deep down believe is right. Hope you like walking on hot coals, because you're going to be hanging out in hell for a while. Thomas, ur saying "no contact" is the best answer eh?
ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Personally I wouldn't answer her at all. She's going to be gone anyway. Let her sweat a bit, maybe she can grow from the experience. After the way she talked to her friend about you, she does not deserve to be engaged with you anymore. Protecting yourself is not a dick move. You can choose who to engage with and who not to, and this woman is apparently an experienced manipulator. My advice is to let sleeping dogs lie. For your sake. I have a feeling he's going to be doing what he wants anyways. Because he's worried about how he's making HER feel still. He is WHIPPED AND NOT EVEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE. That is something special right there. He want's to be polite still not because he's worried about himself healing, but because he wants to secretly still obtain her by not doing what he knows deep deep deep down he should be doing. Which is absolute silence. He doesn't want to come off as a jerk, because he still cares what she thinks. He still wants her back. You are going to be eaten alive by this narcissist as long as you feed her your mind. She didn't have to be a genius to see 10 steps ahead of you. Because I see 20 ahead right here and now.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I have a feeling he's going to be doing what he wants anyways. Because he's worried about how he's making HER feel still. He is WHIPPED AND NOT EVEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE. That is something special right there. He want's to be polite still not because he's worried about himself healing, but because he wants to secretly still obtain her by not doing what he knows deep deep deep down he should be doing. Which is absolute silence. He doesn't want to come off as a jerk, because he still cares what she thinks. He still wants her back. You are going to be eaten alive by this narcissist as long as you feed her your mind. She didn't have to be a genius to see 10 steps ahead of you. Because I see 20 ahead right here and now. Tom just nailed it.
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Thomas, I thank you for your posts. They've been eye openers. But 1 thing. I definately do not want to go back with her. It seems you're familiar with human psychology. (PHD as it may). So you can understand the issue of resentment and ego. For some reason, it gives me great pleasure for her to know that she has no power over me anymore. A feeling of regret. Im just wondering what's the best way to accomplish this feeling: regret and respect.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Thomas, I thank you for your posts. They've been eye openers. But 1 thing. I definately do not want to go back with her. It seems you're familiar with human psychology. (PHD as it may). So you can understand the issue of resentment and ego. For some reason, it gives me great pleasure for her to know that she has no power over me anymore. A feeling of regret. Im just wondering what's the best way to accomplish this feeling: regret and respect. Okay, let's play along and propose you don't want a relationship with her. You do want her to care about you, and you DO still care about what she thinks; hence you asking if it would be petty or childish in her eyes to not respond. So, you don't want her back; what's with all the mental energy you put into her?
NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Personally I wouldn't answer her at all. She's going to be gone anyway. Let her sweat a bit, maybe she can grow from the experience. After the way she talked to her friend about you, she does not deserve to be engaged with you anymore. Protecting yourself is not a dick move. You can choose who to engage with and who not to, and this woman is apparently an experienced manipulator. My advice is to let sleeping dogs lie. For your sake. Protecting yourself is not allowing one to come near you to hurt you right? Well if you outright ignore someone especially one with whom you dated your basically letting them win and having the self satisfaction of knowing they f-ed you up badly. Sure time may heal all wounds but if someone can have the strength, integrity, and maturity to be able to not react in such a fashion it is much more self respecting. Come on we are all adults here. If someone decides to just slam the door in someone's face that is their choice. But honestly I believe that when someone does that they are only hurting themselves MORE in the long run. People do stupid s h i t and people hurt other people but you can't control another person no matter how hard you try. If I would have just slammed the door for good on all my past exes I would have missed out on some pretty cool friends they turned out to be once the break up was long over and done. And this is regardless of what they did to me because I put it all behind me and dropped it. Maybe not everyone can do that but to me...i believe that shows a lot of character and self respect.
ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I do understand that. And I already told you, like, 5 times. 100% silence. Trust me, ignoring a narcissist is more powerful than walking up to them with a shotgun and blowing their limbs off. All the thoughts running through her head as to why she's being ignored, will absolutely destroy her. Most likely, she will wait a few days through the silence then you will be getting very mean messages/emails. But this may vary, depending on the level of intelligence of this narcissist. Listen to hoping2heal or listen to me. Oh and tell me. If a genius is 10 steps ahead of you Then what am I, when I'm 10 steps ahead of a genius?
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Hmm. 2 radically different answer. And yes Tom, she's a narcissist. She graduated top of my university, and basically tried to make everyone feel like **** about their degrees. She constantly brags about how she made it all the way to the top by herself and will end up working for the government. She loves everything about herself. And everyone of my friends, and even parents cant stand that about her. But here is more info: She's completely alone. She cries herself asleep because no one sends her birthday wishes....ever. She surrounds herself with acquaintances and thinks shes likeable. I feel she's a terrible person, and .....this is why i answer that: I have no interest in being friends with her (especially the way she's handled the break up.). I want her to feel bad about herself, that she lost the only person who put up with her for nearly 3 years. (Even her new bf now is having 2nd thoughts and theyve been together 1 month . Shes that controlling and arrogant.) Tom, if what you say is true, then i will never speak to her again.
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 1 question Tom, I'll follow your advice. But in the past 3 years, i became very close to her father (she was raised alone by him). What would it mean to her if i were to 100% ignore her, and yet call her father for birthday wishes/ x mas, etc?
johan Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I do understand that. Oh and tell me. If a genius is 10 steps ahead of you Then what am I, when I'm 10 steps ahead of a genius? Is the metaphor a footrace or walking the plank?
ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 What did she major in again? And was she made fun of growing up? What's her relationship with her parents, and what's their relationship with each other? She's definitely showing multiple signs of narcissism. But one contradiction. She cries because she's alone? This contradicts the theory of narcissism. A narcissist wouldn't cry, she'd bash and bring down everyone who made her feel like crying. It may be more of a case of extreme low self esteem, to which she is overcompensating for. A precursor to narcissism, but not quite a narcissist. Please answer the questions about her past.
NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Hmm. 2 radically different answer. And yes Tom, she's a narcissist. She graduated top of my university, and basically tried to make everyone feel like **** about their degrees. She constantly brags about how she made it all the way to the top by herself and will end up working for the government. She loves everything about herself. And everyone of my friends, and even parents cant stand that about her. But here is more info: She's completely alone. She cries herself asleep because no one sends her birthday wishes....ever. She surrounds herself with acquaintances and thinks shes likeable. I feel she's a terrible person, and .....this is why i answer that: I have no interest in being friends with her (especially the way she's handled the break up.). I want her to feel bad about herself, that she lost the only person who put up with her for nearly 3 years. (Even her new bf now is having 2nd thoughts and theyve been together 1 month . Shes that controlling and arrogant.) Tom, if what you say is true, then i will never speak to her again. You don't know if that is true. Thomas is labeling someone he never even met before. Seriously dude you know her the best and YOU should be the one to make the ultimate decision. If she is as bad a person as you say she is and you want no friendship with her at all or nothing to do with her ever again then go right on ahead and ignore her for good. I'm telling you though...you may just regret that later...people change and if she changes and becomes a better person you may just regret slamming that door forever.
ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Thomas is labeling someone he never even met before. For labeling someone I don't know, I think you'd agree from bobs responses that it's been pretty accurate.
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 What did she major in again? And was she made fun of growing up? What's her relationship with her parents, and what's their relationship with each other? She's definitely showing multiple signs of narcissism. But one contradiction. She cries because she's alone? This contradicts the theory of narcissism. A narcissist wouldn't cry, she'd bash and bring down everyone who made her feel like crying. It may be more of a case of extreme low self esteem, to which she is overcompensating for. A precursor to narcissism, but not quite a narcissist. Please answer the questions about her past. She does both. She boasts all the time (even privately) about how great she is. But hates that people dont seem to care much about her. Even her own family, her siblings her all the attention for basically being in jail, while she gets PHDs and isnt looked highly upon. Her father thinks the world of her, but he cares more about the siblings it seems (Especially with her moving away). Grew up without a mother figure and the rest of the family ignores her. This seems a bit much to describe. But trying to help. Yes she seems to have low self esteem , though what she accomplished alone gives her great pride. She needs to rub it in with everyone she meets. (very bitter in that sense)
ThomasX Forever Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Can you tell me what happened to her mother?
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 abandonment basically....she wasnt ready to raise kids, gave them to her father. But she took it as that. she has huge abandonment issues because of that. Like i said, grew up alone, and most of her friends left her too, so she's obsessed with it. And hates being alone. Surrounds herself with people she hardly knows. And on social network sites loves to post things to get attention from many people who arent really her friends.
johan Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 So, genius, on the off chance we get her all diagnosed and categorized (assuming that's possible over the internet, through a third party, without ever even having any direct contact with her), is the conclusion about what poor bob needs to do going to be any different?
Author bobisthedog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I suppose i overreacted. She's not really a bad person. But i do want to establish a friendship down the line, but show her she has no power over me. In that sense, Nightlord1 seems to have the best answer, for THAT end..
NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 She does both. She boasts all the time (even privately) about how great she is. But hates that people dont seem to care much about her. Even her own family, her siblings her all the attention for basically being in jail, while she gets PHDs and isnt looked highly upon. Her father thinks the world of her, but he cares more about the siblings it seems (Especially with her moving away). Grew up without a mother figure and the rest of the family ignores her. This seems a bit much to describe. But trying to help. Yes she seems to have low self esteem , though what she accomplished alone gives her great pride. She needs to rub it in with everyone she meets. (very bitter in that sense) This behaivor isn't going to last forever. If she is as intelligent as you claim she is then she is going to figure out eventually that her attitude is what is making everyone not want to be around her. If no one has out right said this to her as of yet maybe she needs to be told then.
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