tessagain Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 hi. i have been with my husband for 16 years and he has just told me he is not happy and wants to separate. we have 2 children together and i have a son from a previous marrage (3 years to an abusive man). he always said he would be with me forever. i trusted him and am still so much in love with him. he still says he loves me but is not sure if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. how am i suppose to get over that. he says lets just be civil to eachother, but i cant because i am a very affectionate person. i need to be loved. when i look at him it hurts. he talks to his family and friends about how unhappy he is. he makes me look so stupid. and i cry and he just says im bothering him. he is always angry. i try so hard to make him happy. no matter what i do it is never good enough. he has been so mean the past two years. but i just keep telling myself things will get better. i am a very emotional person and he said that my emotions stress him out. everytime he is in a bad mood i try everything to make him happy. he has become so distant and i ask him what is wrong and he just sits there. all i want is my husband back. i never thought this would happen to me. i just cant stop crying. everyday. i try to be strong but all i do is think about him and wonder why he doesnt want me anymore. it hurts so much.
lupa Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 tessagain, let me be the first to introduce you to the 180. Michele Weiner-Davis, google her, find the page with the description. Word of advice: the 180 is about improving YOURSELF, and making YOURSELF feel better. Then, MAYBE (and the percentages are small) the other person sees what they are missing and wakes the hell up. However, DON'T TRY TO GET HIM BACK, just try to become at peace with yourself. ...that is hardest part of all of this, being at peace with yourself.
lupa Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Does anyone have a link to the 180 description that looks like it was written by Gunny? I can't find the 180 rules with a quick google search.
hopesndreams Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
BentButNotBroken Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 hi. i have been with my husband for 16 years and he has just told me he is not happy and wants to separate. we have 2 children together and i have a son from a previous marrage (3 years to an abusive man). he always said he would be with me forever. i trusted him and am still so much in love with him. he still says he loves me but is not sure if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. how am i suppose to get over that. he says lets just be civil to eachother, but i cant because i am a very affectionate person. i need to be loved. when i look at him it hurts. he talks to his family and friends about how unhappy he is. he makes me look so stupid. and i cry and he just says im bothering him. he is always angry. i try so hard to make him happy. no matter what i do it is never good enough. he has been so mean the past two years. but i just keep telling myself things will get better. i am a very emotional person and he said that my emotions stress him out. everytime he is in a bad mood i try everything to make him happy. he has become so distant and i ask him what is wrong and he just sits there. all i want is my husband back. i never thought this would happen to me. i just cant stop crying. everyday. i try to be strong but all i do is think about him and wonder why he doesnt want me anymore. it hurts so much. Tessa, Mind if I ask a couple questions? 1. Are you two still living together? 2. How are you dealing with this when your husband is not around? (talking to family, friends, etc..) It's a shock to your system and I agree with the other posters that steps may need to be taken to get you sitting up straight, so to speak. But for now, I would suggest getting thoughts and feelings written down here. I have found great resolve through letting my feelings be expressed in some way. Just because he wants to be civil...that's his choice for himself...there is no harm in you letting emotions out. It's "emotionally unstable" to suppress them actually. But maybe you should find other sources to vent to while he is left to get his **** straight.
Author tessagain Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Tessa, Mind if I ask a couple questions? 1. Are you two still living together? 2. How are you dealing with this when your husband is not around? (talking to family, friends, etc..) It's a shock to your system and I agree with the other posters that steps may need to be taken to get you sitting up straight, so to speak. But for now, I would suggest getting thoughts and feelings written down here. I have found great resolve through letting my feelings be expressed in some way. Just because he wants to be civil...that's his choice for himself...there is no harm in you letting emotions out. It's "emotionally unstable" to suppress them actually. But maybe you should find other sources to vent to while he is left to get his **** straight. yes, kind of, he left on the 30th of jul to his fathers house, said he was sorry for hurting me and wanted to come home on sat the 1st of aug, i said i wasnt ready, came back on his own terms on aug 6th, i said i wasnt ready. he went away for 3 days to do some home repairs for his brother, and when he came home on mon aug 10th, i asked him to go back to his fathers because i was hurt and confused. he was angry when he left that time. now he is still at his fathers house. he came around today to see the kids. when he is not around i think about him. i try to stop but it doesnt work. but when i keep myself busy with the kids and the dog and the house im better. but even then he slips into my mind, angry thoughts, sad thoughts, they get in there. when i am really feeling bad i usually call my sister. she is a big help. she tells me to stay strong and think of me first.
Author tessagain Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 thank you for your responses. i really am going to follow those rules. it will be hard but i think i can do it.
Gunny376 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 thank you for your responses. i really am going to follow those rules. it will be hard but i think i can do it. Men think in logical terms, women think in emotional terms (as a general ruile) Women think in terms of emotion ~ men think in terms of 1+1 =2? It will take a lot of work on my part to explain the difference!
BentButNotBroken Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 yes, kind of, he left on the 30th of jul to his fathers house, said he was sorry for hurting me and wanted to come home on sat the 1st of aug, i said i wasnt ready, came back on his own terms on aug 6th, i said i wasnt ready. he went away for 3 days to do some home repairs for his brother, and when he came home on mon aug 10th, i asked him to go back to his fathers because i was hurt and confused. he was angry when he left that time. now he is still at his fathers house. he came around today to see the kids. when he is not around i think about him. i try to stop but it doesnt work. but when i keep myself busy with the kids and the dog and the house im better. but even then he slips into my mind, angry thoughts, sad thoughts, they get in there. when i am really feeling bad i usually call my sister. she is a big help. she tells me to stay strong and think of me first. You are handling this stronger then even you think. It's going to be a tough ride but you already jarred some emotions out of him (by telling him to go back) It's natural to feel emotional about it. All you can do is keep it simple for now. Eat, sleep, house, and write/talk. From there, yes it will be grueling to start, but limited contact (because you will have to run into him I am sure for kids and business things) is your best option. It shows him that while you have communicated your stance...you are a strong and valuable woman to lose. Just on the small details you have wrote so far...it almost appears as though he is conflicted. You will not move forward and cannot force him to clear his mind and focus. That comes from within. All you can do are the simple things. The basis of those "no contact" or "limited contact" steps are to pick YOU back up. Because if he comes crawling back or not....It's time for your terms to be important again.
LisaUk Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 a previous marrage (3 years to an abusive man). he always said he would be with me forever. i trusted him i need to be loved. he makes me look so stupid. and i cry and he just says im bothering him. he is always angry. i try so hard to make him happy. no matter what i do it is never good enough. but i just keep telling myself things will get better. i am a very emotional person and he said that my emotions stress him out. everytime he is in a bad mood i try everything to make him happy. all i do is think about him and wonder why he doesnt want me anymore. it hurts so much. Hi tessagain In reading your post my heart goes out to you. Something I picked up on, that perhaps you haven't, is your desire to PLEASE him, at the expense of your own emotional well being. I to have been dealing with these issues in counselling, since my ex left me. It never occured to me that I have low self esteem issues. My counsellor said "from a therapy point of view, what we have to figure out is why you allowed him to place the blame on you" amongst other things of a similar vain. What I hear reading your post is that you have been and are trying to do everything that your H wants to make him happy, yet he is expressing unhappiness. Even knowing you have tried, you go on to say you wonder why he doesn't want you anymore? You had a previous marriage that was abusive, such relationships can lead to self esteem issues. The question here isn't, why he doesn't want you anymore? The question is why are you willing to put your own emotions and needs aside to please a man who clearly is not appreciating you and the wonderful person you are? Are you really to blame here? It sounds to me like you have done everything you can to make this man happy.
Author tessagain Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 i do believe i do have some sort of self esteem issues. i think he made me feel that way. he had no respect for me. i focused so much on him and forgot about me. now that he is not home i feel more relaxed. i still miss him, i still cry, but i dont miss the tension. i felt like i was just a piece of furniture in the house. yesterday he came by to see the kids and he was really nice. he came up to me and hugged me. he told me he missed me but i am afraid. i dont want him to sweet talk his way back home. i want him to really think about everything. i want him to see how important it is to communicate and not just think about himself. i want him to realise that this time is different. that this time i cant go back to the way things were. i think this time apart will be good for me. find myself again.
LisaUk Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Hi Tess A book I am working through at the moment recommended by my counsellor is "Overcoming Low Self Esteem" by Melaine Fennell. Might give you a good place to start. Is your H willing to go to MC?
Author tessagain Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 we went to a counselor 2 years ago and it didnt work out. after we went to see her a few times, she advised us to see separate counselors. she could take one of us but not both. she was not very good. it was like she took our money and ran. i really dont trust any of these people anymore. it is really hard to find someone who knows what they are doing. but we have talked about it. he said he would go again but he wasnt really honest the first time so i think it will be a waste of money and time. right now i want to take baby steps.
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