Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Here is my confession, because I've pretty much just up and had it. I'm thisclose to bailing. -Sexual incompatibility -Next-to-no intimacy, emotional or physical -Stupid mood swings -Cat-and-mouse -Hot-to-cold spells -Recent breakup, and he STILL talks to her even though she's adamant about winning him back (a.k.a. stealing him from me). I swear he's still hung up on her. No proof, but call it woman's intuition. -Constant "stress" from his work, band, bills, etc. which he blames for everything that lacks in our so-called relationship -He keeps secrets. Lots of them. I feel next to nothing for A right now, and I'm sick of lying to myself about it. I want a man in my life, not a ghost of one. Not a shadow, not an afterimage. I hardly even want to look at him anymore. I just wait for him to get home from work with a case of beer. And I have nowhere else to live. I don't think he likes me much more than I like him right now either.
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 But in order to get good advice I have to force myself to point out his positives. -Intellectually very compatible -Lifestyle is very compatible -He's very physically attractive to me, and I to him -His goals (concrete, intellectual and spiritual) are admirable to me -He is kind and gentlemanly -His career path is what I expect in my partner -When we do have sex, it's good -He seems to have a strong sense of (at least physical) monogamy -I could see us spending the rest of our lives together if he'd just quit DOUCHING AROUND
xpaperxcutx Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Tell him to seek a life counselor. He seems to be lacking a little direction.
WineCountry Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Here is my confession, because I've pretty much just up and had it. I'm thisclose to bailing. -Sexual incompatibility -Next-to-no intimacy, emotional or physical -Stupid mood swings -Cat-and-mouse -Hot-to-cold spells -Recent breakup, and he STILL talks to her even though she's adamant about winning him back (a.k.a. stealing him from me). I swear he's still hung up on her. No proof, but call it woman's intuition. -Constant "stress" from his work, band, bills, etc. which he blames for everything that lacks in our so-called relationship -He keeps secrets. Lots of them. I feel next to nothing for A right now, and I'm sick of lying to myself about it. I want a man in my life, not a ghost of one. Not a shadow, not an afterimage. I hardly even want to look at him anymore. I just wait for him to get home from work with a case of beer. And I have nowhere else to live. I don't think he likes me much more than I like him right now either.[/QUOTE] The BAD outweighs the good. Espescially the highlighted part.
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Tell him to seek a life counselor. He seems to be lacking a little direction. Apparently just toward relationships!! His life on paper is just fine aside from the house which is about to be foreclosed... -He has a high-powered, high-paying day job. -His band is all the rage in this state and even nationwide, and they're thisclose to signing with a label. The only reason they haven't yet is because they've been holding out for a major label (because they CAN; they're that good) instead of signing with one of these rinky-dinky indie labels who don't do jack for you. They're also going into the studio in a couple of months to record their second studio album. Their first one did extremely well for a self-release; paid for itself and then some. Plus all the huge bands they've opened for. -He has a clearly set life plan which he has been following to a tee for years. -He is an educated mofugga. -He is the alpha dog in all his circles. It's relationships that go awry for him, and I'm just another mermaid caught in the fishnet.
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 The BAD outweighs the good. Espescially the highlighted part. Really??? I just kind of want someone to sincerely back him up and tell me that the stress is to blame for everything and he really does put stock in us. But I don't want to hear it if it's a lie. I don't want to be strung along anymore.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Apparently just toward relationships!! His life on paper is just fine aside from the house which is about to be foreclosed... -He has a high-powered, high-paying day job. -His band is all the rage in this state and even nationwide, and they're thisclose to signing with a label. The only reason they haven't yet is because they've been holding out for a major label (because they CAN; they're that good) instead of signing with one of these rinky-dinky indie labels who don't do jack for you. They're also going into the studio in a couple of months to record their second studio album. Their first one did extremely well for a self-release; paid for itself and then some. Plus all the huge bands they've opened for. -He has a clearly set life plan which he has been following to a tee for years. -He is an educated mofugga. -He is the alpha dog in all his circles. It's relationships that go awry for him, and I'm just another mermaid caught in the fishnet. I think the problem is you want him to place the relationship as his top priority. His job and various activities seem to run his life. The problem is he's too successful. Most successful people are driven by ambition to seek power and wealth, not sit at home and talk or watch a movie. If you really want to be with this guy, expect the cold treatments and lack of intimacy ( of which there will be more once his band gets signed).
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 The problem is he's too successful. Most successful people are driven by ambition to seek power and wealth, not sit at home and talk or watch a movie. If you really want to be with this guy, expect the cold treatments and lack of intimacy ( of which there will be more once his band gets signed). A) HE'S the one who wants to sit at home and d*ck around. I want to go places but he's always "too tired from work/rehearsal... too stressed" to do anything but smoke pot on the couch and watch a movie and go to bed. B) The signing thing, THAT'S THE TRADEOFF I'VE ALWAYS HAD TO LIVE WITH. See my posts under the s/n Fay and you'll see that this is the only life I know. I haven't dated a non-musician in years
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 (sorry, accidentally pressed the submit button before I was finished) and a good chunk of them were signed. It's the stupid tradeoff I have to deal with for being attracted to people who are emotionally, intellectually and artistically compatible with, and appealing to, me. I don't even deal with other types of men. Not that there's anything wrong with them. It's just that it's all I know and all I can tolerate. It's stupid and has brought me a lot of grief.
dreamergrl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Communication. Time to sit down together and figure out where it's going. Or realize, like someone said, the bad out weighs the good. But if you're set on working things out, gotta have that talk.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 A) HE'S the one who wants to sit at home and d*ck around. I want to go places but he's always "too tired from work/rehearsal... too stressed" to do anything but smoke pot on the couch and watch a movie and go to bed. B) The signing thing, THAT'S THE TRADEOFF I'VE ALWAYS HAD TO LIVE WITH. See my posts under the s/n Fay and you'll see that this is the only life I know. I haven't dated a non-musician in years Yeah that's why I don't date musicians. The few I previously knew were stuck up and ignorant. And in relationships, they will always place their music first. Having a gf won't them any more caring or attentive, they won't bother with taking you out.
RedDevil66 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 leave now and I'll tell you why. If his band does make it big, you can be 101% sure he's not going to be faithful. If he's sneaky now, just wait I dated a very famous drummer (who was a close friend first) and he cheated on every woman he ever loved. He's cheating on his most amazing GF right now who in my eyes, is perfect!
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 We've had all the godforsaken "talks" and they end up going nowhere. And it doesn't help matters that he just got home from the grocery store and dropped the bomb on me that he's making me fetuccini carbonara (just for me because he could've eaten Taco Bell for all he cares) to make up for the lack of sex. Like my friend D says about the whole mess, "It's a f*cking whirlwind."
dreamergrl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 We've had all the godforsaken "talks" and they end up going nowhere. And it doesn't help matters that he just got home from the grocery store and dropped the bomb on me that he's making me fetuccini carbonara (just for me because he could've eaten Taco Bell for all he cares) to make up for the lack of sex. Like my friend D says about the whole mess, "It's a f*cking whirlwind." Then it's time leave.
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Then it's time leave. I don't know, I DON'T F*CKING KNOW!!!!!!!!
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Here is my confession, because I've pretty much just up and had it. I'm thisclose to bailing. -Sexual incompatibility -Next-to-no intimacy, emotional or physical -Stupid mood swings -Cat-and-mouse -Hot-to-cold spells -Recent breakup, and he STILL talks to her even though she's adamant about winning him back (a.k.a. stealing him from me). I swear he's still hung up on her. No proof, but call it woman's intuition. -Constant "stress" from his work, band, bills, etc. which he blames for everything that lacks in our so-called relationship -He keeps secrets. Lots of them. I feel next to nothing for A right now, and I'm sick of lying to myself about it. I want a man in my life, not a ghost of one. Not a shadow, not an afterimage. Birdy, he was two weeks out of a relationship when you got together. TWO WEEKS, what kind of relationship exactly were you expecting to have with this guy? You're like the person who buys the tattered chanel at 60 percent off, wears it to the cocktail party and then complains later on that you had to wear a damaged dress, instead of a nice, new one. Come on, seriously. I hardly even want to look at him anymore. I just wait for him to get home from work with a case of beer. And I have nowhere else to live. I don't think he likes me much more than I like him right now either.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I don't know, I DON'T F*CKING KNOW!!!!!!!! You do know. You just don't want to break up because you put too much into the relationship. Have one last talk with him. If it doesn't work, time to find yourself a better man.
RedDevil66 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 ps, I am on the brink of leaving my retarded relationship also. Different reasons, but same issues.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Really??? I just kind of want someone to sincerely back him up and tell me that the stress is to blame for everything and he really does put stock in us. But I don't want to hear it if it's a lie. I don't want to be strung along anymore. I can't believe YOU'RE putting stock in an "us" quite frankly. The man was in need of a rebound, you're it. It isn't something you didn't know ahead of time. You get what you pay for, you're getting it. Secondly, based on how he acts I think you already know the truth anyhow. That's how you know a truth; a persons actions. Doesn't matter what they say, that means jack ****. It's what they do. So there you have it, guy wasn't healed from his last relationship so duh, yeah of course this happened, use your common sense. His actions don't show he cares too much about you or the relationship either, which yeah is probably pretty accurate considering he was fresh out of a relationship, and you two have been together what? a month or something?
Author Birdy Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Yes. A month and a week. But I really do love him, even though I hate his guts. IT'S HARD, CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?? I waited two years to feel this way about someone again, and like Shadowplay, my clock is ticking. Five more years and I won't be able to fall passionately in love with anyone ever again. It'll be situations from then on where "Oh, we're dating but not sure if we're compatible. Oh, it's been a year and now we're fairly sure we tolerate each other. Oh, now we've been together five years and are in enough of a comfort zone and have few enough other prospects that we might as well get married. Oh, it's been ten years and now we're dragging our arses off to the altar. Oh, it's been fifteen years and now I'm forking the poolboy." WHO THE HELL WANTS THAT??? It's all I hear about here on LS from the over-30 crowd! I want the passionate love I had in my younger days and the same love which was promised me in all the Disney movies I watched growing up! Color me idealistic, but I KNOW people who have had that! I'm a smart, charming, young, beautiful woman and I deserve the fairytale ending I was promised, goddamnit! IT DOES EXIST!!! F*CK YOU, DESTINY
xpaperxcutx Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Yes. A month and a week. But I really do love him, even though I hate his guts. IT'S HARD, CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?? I waited two years to feel this way about someone again, and like Shadowplay, my clock is ticking. Five more years and I won't be able to fall passionately in love with anyone ever again. It'll be situations from then on where "Oh, we're dating but not sure if we're compatible. Oh, it's been a year and now we're fairly sure we tolerate each other. Oh, now we've been together five years and are in enough of a comfort zone and have few enough other prospects that we might as well get married. Oh, it's been ten years and now we're dragging our arses off to the altar. Oh, it's been fifteen years and now I'm forking the poolboy." WHO THE HELL WANTS THAT??? It's all I hear about here on LS from the over-30 crowd! I want the passionate love I had in my younger days and the same love which was promised me in all the Disney movies I watched growing up! Color me idealistic, but I KNOW people who have had that! I'm a smart, charming, young, beautiful woman and I deserve the fairytale ending I was promised, goddamnit! IT DOES EXIST!!! F*CK YOU, DESTINY You can't love someone after a month or so, you can only still be infatuated. If you're looking for love, then don't settle. Being with this guy isn't destiny, merely the fact his life is exciting. I'm sure you'll find " someone" but putting up an a person's faults merely makes you a doormat.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Birdy, I would like to point out a FANTASTIC "red flag" list: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml Thanks for the website, Utterer of Lies. That thing is priceless. Wish I had had the thing when I met my XH.
RedDevil66 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Yes. A month and a week. But I really do love him, even though I hate his guts. IT'S HARD, CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?? I waited two years to feel this way about someone again, and like Shadowplay, my clock is ticking. Five more years and I won't be able to fall passionately in love with anyone ever again. It'll be situations from then on where "Oh, we're dating but not sure if we're compatible. Oh, it's been a year and now we're fairly sure we tolerate each other. Oh, now we've been together five years and are in enough of a comfort zone and have few enough other prospects that we might as well get married. Oh, it's been ten years and now we're dragging our arses off to the altar. Oh, it's been fifteen years and now I'm forking the poolboy." WHO THE HELL WANTS THAT??? It's all I hear about here on LS from the over-30 crowd! I want the passionate love I had in my younger days and the same love which was promised me in all the Disney movies I watched growing up! Color me idealistic, but I KNOW people who have had that! I'm a smart, charming, young, beautiful woman and I deserve the fairytale ending I was promised, goddamnit! IT DOES EXIST!!! F*CK YOU, DESTINY It does not exist. But what does exist is real love which entales a lot of work, lots of time, ups and downs, tolerating one another etc. These are all building blocks to real love. It's nothing like the "school yard" crush you have on this guy Look at all the angst and trouble you're already going through after a month This is totally ridiculous. If you're not having sex after only a month, there is a huge issue. You're going to have some real trouble if you continue to believe in this fantasy love that you do. And you're clock had tick until you're in your mid 40's so chill!
HeadlessZebra Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 It does not exist. But what does exist is real love which entales a lot of work, lots of time, ups and downs, tolerating one another etc. These are all building blocks to real love. It's nothing like the "school yard" crush you have on this guy Look at all the angst and trouble you're already going through after a month This is totally ridiculous. If you're not having sex after only a month, there is a huge issue. You're going to have some real trouble if you continue to believe in this fantasy love that you do. And you're clock had tick until you're in your mid 40's so chill! (It's me, Birdy/Fay. I got temp-banned again, this time for "making racist remarks". I'm flipping the bird to MissJoness as we speak.) Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm just overreacting. I mean, he's really good and kind to me. Maybe he IS under a lot of stress and I'm expecting too much. Maybe I'm too clingy and he's giving just the right amount of intimacy and I'm just asking for more than is reasonable. I do tend to be oversensitive.
2sure Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Birdy... I get that you are confused , frustrated, angry, in love, etc. Those are complicated things, but not so very unusual things to have to figure out . But before you do any of that you might want to consider something else that is magnifying all of those problems, exasperating the situation, and affecting how you feel ...about him,yourself, and you both together. You dont have anywhere else to live. When you mentioned that, I thought back to my own previous circumstances...when you are dependent on someone with whom you do not have a rock solid relationship (and really, its ok to not have a rock solid relationship sometimes)...it makes everything harder. When you know you have options, when you know you know its YOUR decision, etc...we handle things differently, we feel differently about them, we feel more confident and strong. If you add to that the fact that your bf is like you said - feeling similar to you - he may also be beginning to feel obligated if you have no other options, as in a place to live. Obligated, at this point - is not really what you want to add to the mix.
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