optical_illusion Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Hi all.. I'm new to LoveShack, but could really do with some advice (suprise suprise..). I'm not sure where to start, so will just give you the entire story. When I was 18 (I'm 24 now) I was in a relationship with a guy which was, to be blunt, a disaster. We were not compatible at all, I ended up in a load of debt and really hurt from it. The only good (amazing, fantastic) thing to come from it was the birth of my daughter nearly 4 years ago. I had her thinking that it would make everything better with our relationship, but needless to say, that didn't work. I ended up homeless, in a lot of debt and with a 10 month old daughter. I rebuilt my life, and about 6 months later I met an amazing guy. We clicked on every level, and he was (is) fantastic with my daughter. Because of financial reasons, we could not live together. Plus, I'm very cautious with commitment after my last relationship. The only problem is, because of our natures (we are both very opinionated and stubborn) we tend to argue a hell of a lot. Our main argument concerns where we are heading; I.e. when we will move in together, whether to rent or buy, when to have children etc. He wants children of his own, but I'm not sure how I'll fit it into my life (i'm just about to start teacher training). I'm really scared of being a single parent to two kids with different dads etc. I also don't get on with his friends very well, so that has caused rifts before. We've been together for 2 1/2 years, and in that time have split up approx 5 times. every time it has lasted about 2 -3 days until we've called and made up. After the first 6 months, I can't remember a time when we haven't argued for longer than 2 weeks or so. That said, it has been very stressful with my degree (i've just graduated) and his new job (which he's been in for around a year). He earns significantly more than me, which has also been a big issue with regard to saving up for a house - he has saved a 10% deposit as he still lives with his parents, whereas I live with my daughter on a student loan so have no spare cash. He says he's been saving it for us, but in that case I feel the house will be HIS house and not mine, especially should things go wrong. Our latest argument was 4 days ago. We went out to practice my driving, which is never a good idea for relationships!! (I have my test in 5 days). We got into a row, and when we got back to my place he stormed off home. Thing is, he was meant to be lookign after my daughter for me because I have a friend who was up visiting so we were meant to be going out for drinks. I cancelled with my friend, but the day after found out that he'd been out clubbing with his friends the night before. This brought back memories of my first relationship, where my daughter's dad used to cause arguments so that he could go back to his mums and then out with his friends, leaving me home holding the baby. I text him saying I was annoyed, and he replied with "she's your responsibilty, not mine". That REALLY hurt. He's always asking me to treat him like her dad, saying he loves her, even reading her bedtime stories. It also concerned me, because (given my insecurities about having more children) did that mean that he'd do the same were we to have a baby? I posed this to him, and he said it'd all be different, even with my daughter, if we moved in together. I said I wasn't willing to make that chance, and that I couldn't carry the relationship on. He said "I understand. I love you both xxx". It's now been 3 days since that last text, and we haven't spoke at all. I feel absolutely shocking, I miss him so much. Is it worth calling him and sorting this out? how would I even begin to do that? Or is it time to let go? I feel as though I'm torturing myself every time this happens. Thanks, xXx
Ronni_W Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Or is it time to let go? Maybe that is your answer, yes? Arguments every two weeks is not "healthy and stable"...especially not for your daughter. And nothing is really speaking to a relationship with a lot of understanding, compromise, empathy, maturity, love and tenderness. All of it..."his house" and "your daughter"...ACK! It just doesn't sound healthy or loving or stable. Where is the MUTUAL caring and the MUTUAL goals? And. How's he going to treat "your" daughter when you give birth to "his" child? And. You're already thinking about and trying to base decisions on "should things go wrong." As you say, you've had this relationship before...it is closely mirroring your previous one. Kind of like you kept the relationship and just changed who you're having it with, perhaps? It didn't work then...are you seeing the way clear to it working now? Do you think couples' counseling might help, or at least to try that before you make your final decision? Good luck -- tough decisions ahead of you, no matter what you ultimately end up choosing for yourself and your daughter.
Author optical_illusion Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Thanks for your advice Ronni, I see what you're saying about Mutual goals. He wants to do all these things together, but I'm weary because of the past. Thing is, the current guy is nothing at all like baby's dad in personality, attitude or intellect etc. So I'm thinking, with you saying that I kept the relationship but changed the guy, that it's a problem with me. Like you said, maybe that could be worked through with counseling. Although, another thing you touched on was how it was affecting 'my' daughter (I only referred to her in that manner because I wasn't sure how else to word it, I don't think i'm holding back on him forming a relationship with her or anything). I don't want her to be brought uo around arguements all the time. I'm still unsure as to whether to call him. If I can manage to hold off for a while, I'm going to give myself some time to think. Thanks again for your advice.
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