Zapbasket Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 My partner of 1.5 years broke up with me a month ago; as of last week I got my things and myself moved out of his house. I moved across the country to be with him a year ago, and mostly the only people I interacted with socially were his friends. He has some wonderful friends; I really liked the community of his friends that was around us. I was beginning to make friends of my own, but the progress was slow. And so, again, most of my social contacts now in this city are his friends. I've never been in a situation like this before (this is only my second serious relationship). My partner was older than me by 18 years, and consequently most of his friends are older, also. That was no issue for me as I've always had a mix of friends my age and friends older--sometimes much older--than me. Many of his friends are married; all are well-established in careers and well off. Since the break-up, several of his friends have stepped forward and helped me out. All of them have been pretty open with their opinion about my ex--pretty unanimously, they think he's a man with many wonderful attributes (intellect, charm, talent, a sweet, "puppy-dog" quality)...but also one who is narcissistic, and poor in romantic relationships (he's had a lot of women in his 50 years but no marriage and most of his relationships have only lasted a year, only one 3 years). They have all told me they think he's a fool for quitting our relationship. I have a fear that once the "sensationalism" of our breakup wears off, his friends are going to fade away. Maybe it's an irrational fear, I don't know. Some of his friends I like especially and would really like to develop a separate friendship with each of them. It's hard to tell who might feel the same way, or whether anyone feels the same way. I worry that maybe they just feel sorry for me, coming all the way out here only a year ago and trying to forge a life here, only to have it all taken away and have to basically start from scratch with much less money than I had a year ago. Maybe they're just helping me because they feel pity? Again, I don't know...and my mother tells me time will shake it all out and perhaps a few people will remain as my friends, separate from my ex. What's the...etiquette...if that's the right word, for this situation? How do I indicate that I would like to be friends with several of his friends, and that in that friendship I don't need for them to "choose sides," but rather be open to developing something with me that is them and Me rather than them and [My Ex's] Partner. Because I'm temporarily homeless, poor, and jobless, I can't really do the same things we all used to do together when I was with my ex. I mean, I can go to their houses for dinner, say...but I'm not in a position to reciprocate in kind. All I have to offer are my genuine interest in knowing them better, my liking of them, my warmth, my mind, and my time. So what can I expect over the coming months? What has been others' experience in a similar situation? My biggest fear: that in a few weeks, when the breakup is old news, everyone will just go on being my ex's friend and will forget all about me...or just remember me vaguely as a temporary presence. And I'll find myself much, much more alone here than it has felt these past several weeks.
Guiltyascharged Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I was in a similar situation to this years ago... the relationship did not end well and divided the entire group. Some of his friends still spoke to me and some decided that they would no longer speak to me as they were his friends to start with. This all happened about nine years ago. There were about 15 of us in total and now i speak to 3 of them. When the relationship first broke down i would say about 10 of them would still call, text and email general chit chat and about 5 of them i would regularly meet for drinks and dinner on a friends basis. I went about it by actually speaking to them about it; saying that i enjoyed their company and i knew that they were his friends but over time i have also come to value them as a friend to me - seperate from my ex. I gave them the option of being friends and also said that i completely understood if they were obliged to my ex. People are all different, we are not all linked together and to stay together; thats what makes diversity and thats what makes friends. If you have a connection, a mutual like or dislike to life and such then why cant you be friends. if you take anything away from this relationship take with it some good friends who you can rely on. They obviously like you for who you are or they would not have helped you as they have already done. Maybe they do feel sorry for you, is that a bad thing? Surely thats a sign they care. And friends care...
Vet Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Because I'm temporarily homeless, poor, and jobless It sounds like you've got a lot more to concern yourself right now than your ex-boyfriend's friends, but to answer your question, there's no etiquette that says you can't be friends with these people. Interact with them regularly, hold their confidences, and be a good friend. If they reciprocate and are genuinely friends with you, it won't matter that you don't have the money required to go out with them.
tinke Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Greencove, just wondering how you're doing, keep us posted.
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