MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I thought I was just being nice and trying out the new compassionate "me" and it seems to have backfired a bit. I saw an obituary for the brother of an ex of mine. This ex was someone I could see myself with for the next 40 years, and he broke my heart, but I never forgot him, long ago forgave him, forgave myself, and wrote it off to timing. He was my exit affair over 4 years ago. I moved on. I sent him a short hello on facebook, and passed along my condolences. I not only learned he had since married someone, but he has spilled his guts and has told me he is still in love with me, has tried to call and chickened out, has driven by (stalked me, but not scary) and we have messaged a few times in the last few hours and I'm starting to feel bad about this. Misses me, said "you never lost me, I lost you", "my heart is bursting out of my chest", etc etc he is very open about what he is feeling so I know it's not just words, he's like a kid at christmas right now but I cannot let myself fall for it. I'm still in love with MM anyway. He wants me to call him and he wants to explain his marriage. I think all his anxiety has returned (he had some when we were dating). I don't want or need any more drama in my life right now. Things have wound down with my MM on the physical side, no texts, no emails, and the few conversations at work need to slow still but I have a date Friday night with someone new. I feel weak right now, phyiscally weak.
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Men, take note: This is precisely what happens when you're too open with your feelings. Little good can come of it. Sorry you're feeling so weak, MWC. It's a tough spot to be in. Can you think of something to do to get your mind off it, even if it's only for a little while? Go for a run? Cook up a fantastic meal for yourself? Head over to the library and get lost in my mystery section? Just something - ANYTHING - to get you through the rest of the day...
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I hate to say it, but this is why it's not good to go digging into the past. What you think is a kind act, (and your heart was in the right place) could be read as something else to the other person. The past should stay in the past, even more so as this guy was an ex.
2sure Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 MWC....a small bit of advice but important. Do NOT confide in him that you have had an affair with a MM. That bit of information will make him say to himself that he has a chance, you did it before, etc... He will ramp up the BS to the point that its possible in your vulnerable state, you will think he is your soulmate.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 I am at work, and very busy, and still can't get my mind off this. Right after work I have plans to hit the beach with my kids since this is the only day of summer we've had so far So, maybe that will help. 2sure...gahhhh too late! I spilled my guts a little. But, even though he was with me back when I was married (ending my marriage), we had long talks back then, and he would not cheat on his wife. I know that. I do not want a relationship with him either, and "I" am in control of that no matter what he wants. We talked a bit (on the phone, after I posted here) and he is still the same person who broke my heart. I never understood his reasons for "not calling" and he still can't explain them. We will hit a dead end in that conversation. So maybe that's that. He was working on the road, and extremely busy and I was extremely needy and have numerous posts on here from 4years ago. He just seemed to forget that I existed during that period. He even spent some of that time in our part of the country for several days, and never called. I didn't even know he was back. This is a good test for me. I just have to trust my strength on this one. I know I am much stronger now. But I also know you wonderful people are here if I need you and thank you for that.
2sure Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 MWC...you know it, you know it, you know it yourself that you have to leave this one alone.
jj33 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 MWC this is a little test as someone said. You have been there done that. There is NOTHING about his marriage he needs to explain unless he wants to explain that he is actually divorced. No other explanation is necessary. Dont see him, dont meet him. let him go tell his W how he feels like a kid at Xmas. Let him explain his marriage to her. She is the one that needs and deserves the explanation, not you.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I thought meeting as friends would be harmless, but given HIS feelings for me (if they are real and not just his anxiety playing tricks on him) then it's probably not the best thing. It will just screw him up. If I talk to him again, I will tell him I really only wanted to say hello and tell him how sorry I was to hear of his brother, and that I didn't want to re-open any wounds, or get caught up in the past, and tell him straight that I have moved on (no details). right? Did I mention I have a date Fri ight?
jwi71 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You do realize that it wasn't your kindness that was the problem. Its the scumbag you extended it to.
me003 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I now excatly what you are talking about... I have been friends with an ex 12 years now. In that time he has been a great friend while I have been with someone because he knows I don't get involved with anyone I am not into. Well, whenever I am single he then wants to date. He is exhusting when I am single which sux. Most people forget the bad parts of a relationship (unless its really bad) and remember the god. I think that is what he remembers. He knows my heart and wants that. He was as A$$ and that is why he is an ex.
tami-chan Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 IMost people forget the bad parts of a relationship (unless its really bad) and remember the god. I think that is what he remembers. He knows my heart and wants that. He was as A$$ and that is why he is an ex. or more appropriately in your case, "remember the godDESS"...;)! ...just teasing, me003!
me003 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 or more appropriately in your case, "remember the godDESS"...;)! ...just teasing, me003! LOL.... It was supposed to read "the good" and not "the God" but I guess it works either way...
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Yep he remembers all the good and how much of a goddess I was and wait til he sees me now! Even more goddessed! haha j/k I dug deeper on his fb and his wife's page is also not hidden. She kinda looks like an older version of me (20 years older in looks, but she's 5 yrs older, okay I'm being a b*tch). Anyway, it had their wedding picture, and it was very sweet, and she made a comment about him being the love of her life so yeah, he appears to have a "good woman" and I will leave them alone.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I am going to have to nip this one in the bud... the first part of his email made sense, then he gets a little whacko.... take a look (he has bad spelling): "ok a full day has pass and kinda got my emotions and feelings in ck (somewhat) lookin on the outside and lookin in at you! i can c that how i was acting and saying i lov u must have had u thinkin wtf is he 4 real one simple hello and he off the chart and in lov with me(you) well i am and never stop lovin u but i will kick it back a notch and would lov to work on it but this will be up to u ! lets c each other hold one other and look deep into each others eyes and c what happins, i am willing to do this and take it slow. pls let me know what your thoughts are! ok little one have a wonderful day and i will be texing you, god bless,hugs and kisses, xoxo" omg is he for real? buddy you're m-a-r-r-i-e-d. I guess I oopsed bigtime on this one.
jj33 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You are going to have to be REALLY clear with him. Tell him no way it was clearly a mistake to have contacted him and ask him NOT to contact you again. Then block his number remove him as a friend from facebook or whatever and cut all the ties. Cant blame a guy for trying but can blame yourself if you let it fester.
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Time to go NC with him. Seems it was a mistake to contact him since he still is into you.
me003 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 If you do NC then do. If you don't want to set up your boundries and be cruel about it. Seems like some guys can;t understand no or I'm not ready. Make sure he knows that the door is closed and locked.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 I didn't get any texts from him today, and yesterday he asked me basically if he still had a chance with me, and I flatly said "no, it's in the past, we have both moved on, and you are married." He said something like it was worth a shot. Why not eh? I won't respond to any more messages, and hope he doesn't park outside my house someday. He is an emotional person, so it was prob a combination of hearing from me after all this time and feeling guilty for messing me up back then
jj33 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Good for you. At this point the last thing you need is more drama right now.
me003 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Don't forget that today is a weekend and on weekends MMen, spend weekends with family and unless planned, they don't change habits about hiding phones or putting phones on silent over night. USUALLY Maybe I am being a little negative.
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