fallendisguise Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Is it possible for someone to deliberately distance themselves or is their distance a reflection of their lack of feelings? Long story short... I've been dating a guy for about 9 months now. We have a lot of fun together, see each other a few times a week, talk almost everyday. He's the nicest guy I have ever met and treats me very well. I have feelings for him, but we've talked about it and even though we both care about each other a lot neither of us is ready for a relationship. That is ok, however I do still want to have some affection in our situation. When he comes over he is VERY affectionate, granted it takes him about 1/2 hour or hour to be that way. But, whenever he leaves I get a hug and a pat on the back. What is that???? I started giving him a kiss on the cheek for awhile to see if maybe he was waiting for a green light to have a little bit more meaning to our goodbyes, but no luck. So now it has turned into an inside joke. Also, when I text him to say "Hi, I was thinking about you. How's your day?" I never get a "thinking about you too." The other day I said that I would like to have a word/phrase to say to him when I was feeling sentimental. We don't love each other so saying "I love you" is a no and saying "I like you" just doesn't seem like the right word to say when you're cuddled up after a tumble in the sheets. No reply. Awkward silence. Is it possible that he just doesn't feel anything so that is why I am always hitting a wall when I put myself out there emotionally or is it something a long the lines of him not wanting me to think he is ready for more/leading me on??
DustySaltus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 But, whenever he leaves I get a hug and a pat on the back. Uh oh, the "old pat on the back"..which is morse code for a straight hook up. After 9 months he's still giving you a pat on the back? Just realize the situation for what it is.....a hook up.
TaraMaiden Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm currently studying a book on Body language, by Allan & Barbara Pease, and I've put much of their information to the test. So far, it's been frighteningly accurate. With regard to the back-pat, this is what they have to say: "Chapter 11 - the 13 most common gestures you'll see daily: (. . .) For example, when one person hugs another, most observers silently assume that the back-patting that occurs towards the end of the hug is a gesture of affection (. . .) The reality is, that the pat is used in the same way professional wrestlers use it - to tell the other person to end the hug and break the clinch. (. . .) you're likely to begin the back-patting in the air even before the hug begins." He's controlling this. And keeping you at arm's distance, quite literally. he's in this for the benefits, but you're getting uncomfortably serious, and that's why he's awkward. I hate to say this, but you are wasting a lot of affection on a guy who really does not feel the same way, and is just not as in to you as you'd like. I recommend the book. But it's not for the faint-hearted..... They've written some other very good books too, on the male/female dynamics. Might be useful.....
Author fallendisguise Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Ouch. Thank you both for sharing. It's sad, but true. Funny enough, I read an article that once said a pat on the back is a sign of unease. I should have taken the hint then. LOL! I think I might actually have to look into reading that book, it has me quite intrigued.
BCCA Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 The way a man treats you after sex tells you EVERYTHING, especially when he goes to leave. Ive cuddled with girls I wasnt into after we slept together just so I wouldnt be a total douche, but if I like a girl, shes going to get a big kiss when I go to leave. No kiss = not good.
Saxis Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Occasional "tumbling in the sheets" with no commitment, not much intimacy or shared feelings. Exactly what it sounds like: FWB
Author fallendisguise Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 The way a man treats you after sex tells you EVERYTHING, especially when he goes to leave. Ive cuddled with girls I wasnt into after we slept together just so I wouldnt be a total douche, but if I like a girl, shes going to get a big kiss when I go to leave. No kiss = not good. Which is so true! That's what I want to do after. A nice fat one right on the lips! He's just so d**n nice to me it complicates everything for me. And it doesn't help that I'm stuck in relationship limbo. I don't feel that I'm quite ready to just have a relationship with someone because it scares me. It would be awesome if I could meet someone, date them for awhile, and it naturally progress into something more. But no, I get stuck in these exclusive sexual arrangements with guys who think I'm great and love to hang out with me. I guess it's my own fault because the guys I do meet who are interested in pursuing more start it off immediately and scare me away. Sigh. P.S. I thought these were supposed to be the fun years????? Lol.
Author fallendisguise Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Perfect example.... An ex of mine wants to get together later (yes, I'm that person who stays friends) so I ask him does he mind. Kind of like a courtesy.. golden rule.. treat others how you want to be treated (because honestly I think I would mind a little even though we're not "together"). His reply, yes he minds. That is what confuses the crap out of me and has been for months. Everything points to him not feeling the way I do.. yet... My garbage disposal isn't working.. "Let me fix it for you.." Had a rough day at work... "Really? You want to talk about it?" I've really been wanting to see XYZ movie.."You want to grab dinner tomorrow and see it?" And then when I'm having a smart gal moment and realizing this isn't the best thing for me and say I think it's a bad idea to continue it.. he ignores it and asks if I want to hang out later in the week. Every instinct in me says, why would he want to end it? He's a guy who is getting the goods from a girl he likes to hang out with. What's better than that for someone who doesn't want more? Sorry, venting on my end. LOL.
BCCA Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Im confused, are you offering him sex and hes turning it down, but hes doing other stuff for you? Or are you wondering why he doesnt want to be with you, but continues to want to hang out? Two very diff issues.
Author fallendisguise Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 No, he's not turning down the s*x. We have I guess what you could call an exclusive FWB situation. We care about each other, but don't want to go into the relationship zone, but we're not seeing other ppl. I'm not ready and I don't think he is either. Granted his reason could be he's not ready because of me, whereas mine is that I'm not ready in general. I am confused because I feel that I have more feelings than he does. I must because I'm the one saying I think about him or miss him and want more than just a pat on the back when he leaves. These things are not returned from him. What confuses me, is why be the way he is if he doesn't feel anything (the fixing of things, taking me out, insisting on paying, talking about things that bother me, etc). That is why I have a hard time letting go. It almost creates a false hope that one day when I am ready maybe something will change.
Author fallendisguise Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 I think I read to much into his actions outside of expressing emotion... For example.. we walked home from the pub on friday and came across a divider in the road that was full of rocks. He picked me up and carried me so I wouldn't ruin my heels (I didn't say a word about it prior). Or yesterday, he scraped up all of the gum the kids left on the outside stairwell so I "wouldn't step in it." THAT is what confused me. LOL! Why do that stuff if you don't care? He's not a pushover by any means.
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