Friendless and broken hearted.

[Ilovecake]

Hi guys I'm new here and could use a bit of advice. BTW this site is chock full of great advice, I've been lurking for a while now.

 

Here is my story; sorry it's a bit lengthy. Please bare with me, I feel every detail here is important to my story.

 

My ex broke up with me in September of last year. I’m 38 and this was the first time anyone has ever dumped me. I always ended the relationship before this. We were living together and dated on and off for almost 4 years. Initially we dated for 6 months and had a wonderful time but already there were some red flags that I unfortunately chose to ignore. When we met I knew he was planning on moving out of the state and went into the relationship thinking it was strictly temporary but unfortunately fell in love, or so I thought. Right before he moved he told me that he had to stop by his ex girlfriend’s house to get the rest of his stuff, I wasn’t worried because they didn’t stay in touch. He said he would be back in a few hours and I didn’t hear from him for almost 48 hours, his cell was turned off and he did not call me once. He came back full of tears and apologies, telling me his phone did not work in the boonies and his car broke down so he had to stay on her parent’s couch. I told him it’s just not worth it and I really had no reason to see him again since he was leaving in a few months anyways. He made a lot of really romantic gestures and told he was going to cancel his move to try and get me back. Stupid me fell for his tactics and I started seeing him again. I knew however that what happened was a major red flag. After that however things were amazing, he treated me like a queen told me that he wanted me to move with him, that he couldn’t imagine living without me. We actually started making future plans for me to move out once he got settled in. As soon as he got to his destination like within the first 4 hours his car was stolen with all his belongings in it. I felt so horrible for him. Here he is in a strange state and not even one pair of underwear to his name. We talked on the phone daily, sometimes 3-4 times a day, mostly him initiating the calls. The plan stood that I was still moving out as soon as possible. 3 months into this the calls started getting a bit less frequent but still very romantic and he loves me dearly and can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. Then he started being unreachable for a day or two at a time, I had a strong suspicion that he was seeing someone else but whenever he called he swore that was not true and always had a great excuse for why I couldn’t reach him. Still I heard that all he wanted to do was be with me. He asked me if I would come visit in a few weeks and I said yes. I was about to buy a plane ticket when I started noting a girl 10 years younger than me posting on his myspace, her notes were just a little too personal for my comfort but not straight out romantic. I asked him about her and he said he really didn’t know her, she was his roommates friend and just a little creepy. All of a sudden out of nowhere I received a friend request from this girl, I excepted because I was extremely curious. I would see all these blogs about some guy she’s been seeing and how they’re falling in love but that there is something in the way of their happiness. I posted a comment under one of her blogs saying something like “you shouldn’t let guys make you feel that way”. Ten minutes later I get this lengthy message from the girl saying that it’s my boyfriend she’s been talking about and I’m what’s in the way. She said she knew all about me and that he didn’t know how to get rid of me. Of course I contacted him right away and told him it’s over and how dare he invite me out there when he has a new girlfriend. He denied everything until I told him that she sent me the note telling me everything that was going on. He broke it off with her that minute. I didn’t talk to him for 3 months. He called, wrote, emailed me every single day apologizing and saying he was just so lonely and confused in this new city and she helped him get some stuff to replace his missing belongings. I ignored him. He flew back home and sat on my stairs for two days ringing my door bell. Jesus Christ no man has ever made such gestures to be with me. Stupid me ended up forgiving him but said I could only go as far as maybe being friends and he said if that’s all he could have he would take it but would never give up one me. Obviously my move and visit were both off but we talked on the phone a lot. I lost my job and he started helping me financially, which I didn’t ask for but he would just send checks to my landlord behind my back and when I would try to pay rent I was told it was taken care of. A year after he moved he said he wanted to come back home and try to work on our relationship. I told him that I couldn’t go any further than just being friends and he said that was fine as long as he can see me once in a while. I really was not very excited about him moving back, he even wanted to do it on my birthday and I said absolutely not. I did not want to celebrate my birthday with him. So he waited and moved back a month later so I could spend my birthday as I wished. I let him stay on my couch because I felt I owed him for all the help he gave me when I wasn’t working and of course one thing led to another, old feelings came back and we started dating again and eventually got an apartment together. Things were great for the first year of living together. the only real problem I had was that he never ever fought with me. Not that I like to fight but you know sometimes there are problems you need to talk out and this guy would just clam up and not say a word. The whole time we lived together he only got angry with me twice and both times instead of talking to me he just moved out. He would always say “it doesn’t matter what the problem is we’re just not compatible” and then he would take off for a week or two and stay with his mom or brother. Obviously not a healthy situation at all. Last time he moved out was the last time for good. We are no longer together. My birthday in 2007 came and went, he didn’t get me a present or a card or even a flower but for weeks before my birthday he went on and on about all these things he want to give me and then when the day comes it’s just another day and all I got was a happy birthday when we woke up. I freaked out and cried and he said he just didn’t really celebrate birthdays and didn’t realize how important it was to me. He ran out and he got a cute silly present and sweet card so I figured he made up for it. Then my next birthday come along, last year and he’s acting really really weird for days before, not nice weird but like I’m getting in his way weird. On the day he didn’t even say happy birthday, he sat on the couch all day scratching his junk and drinking beer. I told him I was shocked especially after what happened last year. He snapped at me and reiterated “I told you birthdays don’t mean anything to me.” I was devastated and confused. How could he treat me like that? I started searching for clues. When he passed out for a nap I looked at his text messages on his phone (I know big no no but I’m glad I did). There was one message from him to his younger brother from two nights prior saying these exact words. “The life of a 22 year old girl is so much different than mine; I don’t think I can do this. I changed my mind.” Then I saw a message from his older brother saying “Just hit it and quit it.’. I confronted him and asked if he was cheating he said no way he would never do that to me again and how dare I not trust him. I told him I saw the messages and he said they were typos. I said I don’t believe him and he said “THAT’S FINE I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYWAYS. I’M MOVING OUT”. Happy birthday to me. We broke up right there and then. Here is the real problem I’m having now. I never really thought he was anything all that special when we were together just convenient. Obviously there were some good times but more bad than good. To tell you the truth, he wasn’t very good looking, sucked in bed in the beginning, was extremely immature and 6 years younger than me, would constantly do things that embarrassed me, mostly because he drank way too much. On and on, I could go on with that I didn’t like about him.

So now it’s been 9 months since we broke up. We tried the friend thing and it never worked. He would call me tell me he misses me ask me advice try to keep me up on his life, we even slept together a few times but he never ever again said he loved me. I told him I’m never going to get over him if we stay in contact so please leave me alone. We both post on the same social site and I would see him post there once in a while, a lot of time he would post about how he misses something I did or would say things that he knew I would see, sometimes to hurt me and other times they were nice things. He did however mostly leave me alone for a few months but then I would get a message saying her really wanted to be my friend can he at least call me once in a while. I told him I would try but always felt uncomfortable and we would go back to not talking. The last time this happened was about a month a go. We are not talking again.

 

So here is my question. He was an awful boyfriend. I’m a pretty intelligent, level headed person. I have no problem meeting men, even at my advanced age guys still find me quite attractive so there are no problems there, yet I can’t stop thinking about this guy. He has a new girlfriend, guess how old she is? 22. I try to find out everything I can about her, I constantly want to know what he’s doing. I still dream about him ever night.

 

What is my problem? Why can’t I let this loser go? I know I can do so much better.

 

The only thing I can think of is that after we broke up my best girlfriend told me she no longer wanted to be my friend. We were inseparable for 20 years and she just came out of nowhere a few months a go and told me she doesn’t think we have enough in common anymore to be friends. I’ve pretty much been forced to deal with this breakup without having any women to talk to about this. I now have no close friends to go out with so that I can meet someone new. I have taken steps to reestablish some old friendships and have made a few new acquaintances but they’re not people I can just call to lament to. What do I do, how do I get back out there? How do I move on without any friends?

[moo]

Forgive me, I didn't have time to read your post, but I saw your question, so I wanted to take a moment to answer you.

 

You want to know how to move on without friends? You can seek therapy, join a support group, join an organization that deals with a cause you are passionate about, give pen pals and epals.

 

When I have time, I will come back and read your post. Just wanted to tell you that now, because you are in pain.

 

Good luck.

[xxSRMxx]

Use paragraphs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please! xx

[PinkToes]

I apologize that I didn't read every word of your post, but a couple of things jump out at me.

 

I try to find out everything I can about her, I constantly want to know what he’s doing.

 

I know you know this is a bad idea, and I know the urge can be very tempting. But doing whatever you can to avoid this sort of thing will help, because feelings so often follow behavior, whether positive or negative.

 

Also getting dumped is almost always more difficult than doing the dumping for reasons that have little to do with lost love. It can make us question our worth, in subtle and illogical ways. It can make us question our judgment in choosing to love someone who is capable of inflicting such pain. It feels crazy to hurt so much over someone we know we're better off without. Also I think it's human nature to want what we can't have.

 

I know it doesn't help what you're going through right now, but what you're feeling seems perfectly normal to me. It just hurts. Maybe even more so because it isn't logical.

 

Oh, and also, 38 isn't old.