freemepls Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I am going to leave my husband of 18 years. I am in my late 30's and have a good career and great friends and just cannot take the jeckyl and hyde routine anymore! I started to write a big, long story about my life history and as I was writing it realized how STUPID I have been all these years to stay with him. He has been abusive emotionally and a few times physically. He has a drinking problem and a needy problem to guilting me to stay with him. I have told him countless times that I am not the beholder of his happiness - HE is. I learned this FROM him - because he made my life such a living hell that if I didn't learn to find happiness within myself - I was in misery. I was a stay at home mom w/no job and no money and was trapped. Now I can leave - I have begged him to get help, the kids and I have begged him to quit drinking, I have asked him to go to counceling - he refuses to do any of it. He created a really ugly scene a couple of weeks ago at a friends house with his drinking and then again this weekend, he was so drunk by 11:00 and took off walking home without my knowlege and didn't remember and I was so fed up with him that I stayed out to 2:30am with a whole group of friends and family - it was a blast! This was the first time in my whole 23 years of being with him that I have ever done that (he's done it 100's of times!!) I felt so free and liberated Friday that right then and there I decided to leave him. Saturday morning - of course - he didn't remember anything and I wasn't even mad because now I had witnesses.... we were to go back to the same place with the same group of people again on Saturday and I told him be made a GIANT A** of himself and everyone wants to know why I am with him? He felt like a fool - as he should have and I did not accept his aplogy and told him he would have to deal with what he did. He tried to make it to be MY fault but I just laughed and wouldn't let him. He was on his best behavior Sat and did apologize to everyone - BUT - I'm done because I know it will happen again - not a matter of IF but WHEN? I think he is realizing this because he wants to take me on an overnight date that he is planning next weekend and unfortunatly he doesn't know that I plan on leaving him. It's too late for the "romance" - I have to tell him soon but it's NEVER the right time. I have been readiing the threads in the forum and feel the peoples pain for the ones that were "left" and know that I am going to crush my husband when I tell him, but I can't do this anymore. I have been out of love with him for a long time now (years) and he claims he adores me but yet is abusive? He will be one of those people that will say he can't move on, will want to contact me constantly and try to manipulate me into coming back with false promises. I have told him on many occassions that IF I leave - I will NEVER come back - thus the hesitance to leave. My kids love their dad and their home but I am not going to be vindictive -I just want out - I don't even want him to pay child support, we can have 50/50 custody and I can be free to finally go places with my girlfriends without him badgering me to death (he's NEVER let me go on a gfriend wkd - but he can go hunting?) and constantly thinking I am cheating on him (which I have never done) and live in peace when it's all said and done without daily explanations of my whereabouts. I can't wait to be free of him as my husband!
2sure Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Whew. Well. ok. Done is done. The thing at this point that you need to do is : Change your thinking. You are not leaving him to punish him. If that is his perception you cannot help that. The fact remains that you are not leaving him to punish him. I dont know how much you realize this yet, but once you step away from it...you are going to be amazed... How much of your life, how very much of your children's lives, have revolved around your husband's drinking. The time of day he starts, the time he becomes drunk, counting on it every holiday, every drive home, the anxiety that pervades every aspect of your life...all stemming from either when will he be drunk or what happened because he was drunk. The difference is going to take your breath away. Further, better late than never to show your children , who will have relationships of their own, that this is no life, no way to live, and unacceptable. Your leaving has nothing to do with punishing him, making him stop, not giving him another chance, etc etc etc. So stop feeling guilty for it. Your guilt about leaving is just another manifestation of your own comfort level of dealing with this ****.
hopesndreams Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I left my abusive 1st H after a tumultuous 13 years, with 2 young children. I had planned it for months though, saving up what I could from my job, looking for places to stay until finding an apartment. It wasn't easy, and it blew my mind that I had missed him once I left. He didn't call to pester me after I left him, didn't beg for more chances, none of it. I was completely on my own, shared custody of the kids, and I did not seek child support. The divorce went smoothly, after a year of separation, it was granted. I had no dealings with him on a personal level, only stuff that had to deal with the children. My life after leaving him didn't have any perks of weekends out with the girls though, too busy struggling to make ends meet, working 2 low-paying menial jobs. But, it was all worth it just for the freedoms. Hope things go smooth for you. What will you do when you leave him? What are the plans? You say you were a stay at home mom? What job skills do you have? Not implying staying with him for financial reasons, of course not, but will the house be sold or will he buy you out? You need money, obviously, to make it, so you don't end up going back to him once you're gone. If he doesn't want you to leave, he will fight you tooth and nail on all sorts but maybe you will get lucky...and he will just let you go.
hopesndreams Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Scratch that about having a job to support yourself, just had another look at what you wrote and you have a career already. So, no financial worries, that's good.
LisaUk Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I take it from your original post that you have told your H on many occasions, quite calmly and clearly, that you are not happy, your feelings for him are/have dwindled and that you are seriously thinking of leaving. That you would like to go to counselling with him, he refuses to acknowledge your feelings (that you have vocalised in a calm way, not just during arguments) and you have made it clear that if and when you go, you will not return. This is quite different to a lot of those of us who were left on this board (myself included), many of us were not given any oppurtunity to resolve anything, just left, bolt out of the blue. If you have done all the above, this should not come as a shock to your H
hopesndreams Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 People know when they are being aholes and whether or not you tell him you are leaving, once you are gone, there will not be any shock for him, even though he will try to convince you otherwise. Different story if your leaving a good man. But, if he truly has been a pr*ck, you have already given him 18 years of your life, don't give him any more.
Author freemepls Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I take it from your original post that you have told your H on many occasions, quite calmly and clearly, that you are not happy, your feelings for him are/have dwindled and that you are seriously thinking of leaving. That you would like to go to counselling with him, he refuses to acknowledge your feelings (that you have vocalised in a calm way, not just during arguments) and you have made it clear that if and when you go, you will not return. This is quite different to a lot of those of us who were left on this board (myself included), many of us were not given any oppurtunity to resolve anything, just left, bolt out of the blue. If you have done all the above, this should not come as a shock to your H I'm sorry you had that happen to you so abruptly. I didn't mean to undermine anyone with that comment. I just try so hard to be fair and honest. I will be telling him hopefully tomorrow - after what he pulled with me tonight in front of the kids - all it did was confirm my decision 200%! I found two places to check on tomorrow and am going to file for divorce tomorrow. Thank you for everyone's feedback so far - I will keep posted.
Author freemepls Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 People know when they are being aholes and whether or not you tell him you are leaving, once you are gone, there will not be any shock for him, even though he will try to convince you otherwise. Different story if your leaving a good man. But, if he truly has been a pr*ck, you have already given him 18 years of your life, don't give him any more. Hi is truly a p*ck to me - but alot of people think he is just wonderful but lately he's been showing his true colors and their eyes are opened up. He is NOT getting any more of my energy wasted being angry - life is too short for that.
Author freemepls Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I left my abusive 1st H after a tumultuous 13 years, with 2 young children. I had planned it for months though, saving up what I could from my job, looking for places to stay until finding an apartment. It wasn't easy, and it blew my mind that I had missed him once I left. He didn't call to pester me after I left him, didn't beg for more chances, none of it. I was completely on my own, shared custody of the kids, and I did not seek child support. The divorce went smoothly, after a year of separation, it was granted. I had no dealings with him on a personal level, only stuff that had to deal with the children. My life after leaving him didn't have any perks of weekends out with the girls though, too busy struggling to make ends meet, working 2 low-paying menial jobs. But, it was all worth it just for the freedoms. Hope things go smooth for you. What will you do when you leave him? What are the plans? You say you were a stay at home mom? What job skills do you have? Not implying staying with him for financial reasons, of course not, but will the house be sold or will he buy you out? You need money, obviously, to make it, so you don't end up going back to him once you're gone. If he doesn't want you to leave, he will fight you tooth and nail on all sorts but maybe you will get lucky...and he will just let you go. Thank you for your concern, I will make it just fine, I'm not worried about that - that's why it took me so long to leave him. I wanted to be financially able to do it on my own. I don't want this house. It's next to his mother and 46 year old brother that still lives at home with no job and goes to the bars every night. As far as him fighting me... he doesn't have a snowballs chance in h**l of that. I am an upstanding citizen of the community that volunteers at the schools, coach youth sports for the last 6 yrs, belong to prof. organizations, etc... he does nothing but drink beer and complain about everything I do, he's never volunteered for a thing and if push came to shove I highly doubt he could pass a drug test if the court was to ask for one - he still likes to occ smoke pot. Like I said, he is the father of my children and I don't want it to get ugly cuz my kids are old enough to understand and be really hurt but if he involves them and makes my life hell - he does not want to mess with me cuz if he does he WILL regret it. I hope you are doing well and have made it.
Author freemepls Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Whew. Well. ok. Done is done. The thing at this point that you need to do is : Change your thinking. You are not leaving him to punish him. If that is his perception you cannot help that. The fact remains that you are not leaving him to punish him. I dont know how much you realize this yet, but once you step away from it...you are going to be amazed... How much of your life, how very much of your children's lives, have revolved around your husband's drinking. The time of day he starts, the time he becomes drunk, counting on it every holiday, every drive home, the anxiety that pervades every aspect of your life...all stemming from either when will he be drunk or what happened because he was drunk. The difference is going to take your breath away. Further, better late than never to show your children , who will have relationships of their own, that this is no life, no way to live, and unacceptable. Your leaving has nothing to do with punishing him, making him stop, not giving him another chance, etc etc etc. So stop feeling guilty for it. Your guilt about leaving is just another manifestation of your own comfort level of dealing with this ****. Boy did you hit the nail on the head! Everytime we go out of have a place to be that involves alcohol I never know who I will be going home with at the end of the night. I will really appreciate having time with my kids without have to tip-toe around his mood swings. They will be angry and hurt at first but I'm confidant that they will come around soon. My son is greatly affected. He is 14 yrs old and angry with his dad but at the same time idolizes him. They do a lot of stuff together but unfortunately it always involves a beer in dad's hand. My kids have vowed that they will never ever drink because of what the see it doing to their family. Dad's a drunk and his two brothers and sister are drunks too - by this I mean they drink heavily every day - my husband is by far the best of the bunch by a landslide. I've been tired of it for a long time but there was always something coming up... a wedding, a family picnic, a planned vacation, a holiday, a birthday.... I have come to realize there is no good time - I'm just gonna do it!
BentButNotBroken Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I'm sorry you had that happen to you so abruptly. I didn't mean to undermine anyone with that comment. I just try so hard to be fair and honest. I will be telling him hopefully tomorrow - after what he pulled with me tonight in front of the kids - all it did was confirm my decision 200%! I found two places to check on tomorrow and am going to file for divorce tomorrow. Thank you for everyone's feedback so far - I will keep posted. Everyone's situation is unique. I didn't find any problem with that comment though (not saying Lisa did either). In my case, she bolted but used some past conversations about MC (which were in a different environment during that time) and other random faults of mine. Yet considered her lack of being exclusive irrelevant...okay, okay....back to this thread I think it was good that you vented on this canvas. My ex had some of your same frustrations so it gave, at least myself, a peek into that mindset. When abuse and addiction enter the game (such as your case), I can only hope for a better horizon for you. Yes, he will be hurt. You sound like you have accepted this fate. If you don't mind me asking...anyone else in the picture? While men and women can be paranoid, I do wonder why he continues with "cheating" stuff and maybe he has a fear of something...which can explain his attempts to control "friends" weekends. Seems like there is more to this story but I am not saying as an attack or anything. Also not saying you are being inappropriate. I have been cheated on by my wife so I hope you can understand my tiny bit of empathy for that scenario here.
hopesndreams Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Thank you for your concern, I will make it just fine, I'm not worried about that - that's why it took me so long to leave him. I wanted to be financially able to do it on my own. I don't want this house. It's next to his mother and 46 year old brother that still lives at home with no job and goes to the bars every night. As far as him fighting me... he doesn't have a snowballs chance in h**l of that. I am an upstanding citizen of the community that volunteers at the schools, coach youth sports for the last 6 yrs, belong to prof. organizations, etc... he does nothing but drink beer and complain about everything I do, he's never volunteered for a thing and if push came to shove I highly doubt he could pass a drug test if the court was to ask for one - he still likes to occ smoke pot. Like I said, he is the father of my children and I don't want it to get ugly cuz my kids are old enough to understand and be really hurt but if he involves them and makes my life hell - he does not want to mess with me cuz if he does he WILL regret it. I hope you are doing well and have made it. Yes, I made it through fine, and you will too. Met my 2nd H a few months after being on my own. We dated for a year, fell in love, got married. He was wonderful, kind, loving, generous, i can go on and on. We were together 10 years, my Dday was Feb 12, he left me April 15, to go be with his MOW. He couldn't decide between me and her, and I wasn't about to be in a competition with her, so I made the choice for him. That's how I found this forum.
RiceBall Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 U can do it sister!!! Sorry I don't have anything profound to add. Sounds like you have this all figured out.
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