What is this feeling?

[Dack]

I've been in here, before -- complaining about my husband. I'm in my 40's and don't understand what I'm feeling. We were married for only 10 years and, incredibly, he's the first guy I've ever been in love with.

 

We have 1 child together -- his, mine and our's all together equals 4 --

 

This separation hurts so badly -- I can't even describe it. It's not that I miss the mistreatment but, that I was always so in love with him, even when he treated me badly and now, he doesn't seem to mind at all the separation -- his feelings were never returned to me and I've always known that he was only with me for our daughter's sake -- that doesn't make me feel any better -- if anything, it only makes me feel worse even though I've always known -

 

I gave him all I had and then some -- the pain I feel is one of loss of my own emotions -- I gave it all up without reservation --

 

I sometimes sob -- yes, I kicked him out -- he's quite happy the way things are -- that's not what I'd hoped but, I'd hoped that he'd want marriage counseling -- it's not even in the question and if that's the way it has to be, then I accept it --

 

Just needed to unload this excruciating pain -- I never knew love could hurt so badly -- worse than actually being together in the marriage --

[hew]

hey there

clearly your older than me because im only in highschool. but i have been in love before and i have been without the person i did love the most and even thouhg at times i couldnt handle being in such a relationship where i was stomped on and only braught down all the time ! but it does hurt. and its SO dissapointing because the "greatest" relationship ended and it seemed like all a waste. but maybe in the end you see it wasnt exactly the "perfect" relationship. and even though you had kids together it seems like it was meant to be. but its not always that way. my parents are divorced and my mother was heartbroken at one time but now she looks back on it and realizes that through all that pain she always had me. and hopefully you see that with your own kids. and im sure you do. but trust me 100% with all my heart that it gets easier. i know its so unreal to believe but. it does. and i want you to know that. it sucks for a real long time. but out of all this you willl learn something about yourself. just let time take care of everything.

[Dack]

hey there

clearly your older than me because im only in highschool. but i have been in love before and i have been without the person i did love the most and even thouhg at times i couldnt handle being in such a relationship where i was stomped on and only braught down all the time ! but it does hurt. and its SO dissapointing because the "greatest" relationship ended and it seemed like all a waste. but maybe in the end you see it wasnt exactly the "perfect" relationship. and even though you had kids together it seems like it was meant to be. but its not always that way. my parents are divorced and my mother was heartbroken at one time but now she looks back on it and realizes that through all that pain she always had me. and hopefully you see that with your own kids. and im sure you do. but trust me 100% with all my heart that it gets easier. i know its so unreal to believe but. it does. and i want you to know that. it sucks for a real long time. but out of all this you willl learn something about yourself. just let time take care of everything.

 

Hi, sweetie -- thank you so much for your kindness -- it's always nice to know things from the perspective of a child of divorce like yourself.

 

I know that time will heal but, as you say, that's so far distant into the future -- until then, the vacancy is filled with pain -- thank you for sharing and allowing me to share --

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

I think maybe the feeling you are having is b/c although you were the "doer" and not the left, this really wasn't what you wanted.

 

What you truely wanted was for your H to wake up to his behaviour, b/c you love him, the relationship got to the point that it was unberable for you, you tried to tell him how you were feeling, but met a brick wall instead. With no other option, you could take it no more, so you ended it.

 

However, you hoped in doing so he would make those changes you longed for him to make, he hasn't, he seems ok with the end of your marriage, you on the other hand are still very much in love with him. In addition, you are mourning the loss of the life that you so longed for.

 

Any of this seem to explain or name your feeling? Am I way off beam?

 

If this all seems to strike a chord, then the feeling you are experiencing is grief. Only time and talking and going through grief will ease your loss.

[Dack]

Hi

 

I think maybe the feeling you are having is b/c although you were the "doer" and not the left, this really wasn't what you wanted.

 

What you truely wanted was for your H to wake up to his behaviour, b/c you love him, the relationship got to the point that it was unberable for you, you tried to tell him how you were feeling, but met a brick wall instead. With no other option, you could take it no more, so you ended it.

 

However, you hoped in doing so he would make those changes you longed for him to make, he hasn't, he seems ok with the end of your marriage, you on the other hand are still very much in love with him. In addition, you are mourning the loss of the life that you so longed for.

 

Any of this seem to explain or name your feeling? Am I way off beam?

 

If this all seems to strike a chord, then the feeling you are experiencing is grief. Only time and talking and going through grief will ease your loss.

 

You've explained it so much better than I could -- in complete detail and not going anywhere off-base -- thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me know that this isn't an isolated feeling -- and that others know what I'm going through --

 

I believe that the step after grief is anger -- Lord help me through it -- I don't want to be angry --

 

I find it interesting that we've been living in a mobilehome and now that we're apart, he's talking about buying himself a house -- and actually found a semi-real job - he's self-employed and has had no jobs in the past few years -- he suddenly found himself a sweet deal and is now planning for HIS future --

 

He is a rolling stone -- he won't be available for long -- it is what it is -- I will be going back to college full-time on the 24th -- working on a degree -- I do hope that my grief and these changes don't hinder my performance in school -- I really love school and perhaps it will help get me through this -- I am also trying to put my energies into my children, doing more with them and enjoying them as much as I've always enjoyed them -- I'm a mommy, through and through -- he wants custody of our 10 yr old -- at best, I can only give him joint when I file for divorce -- if he messes up and goes back to drugs and alcohol, I will take full custody -- he's on court-ordered drug/alcohol counseling right now -- he quit for 5 yrs but started up again 6 months ago -- there's just been so much damage since the very beginning but, was too blindly in love and was willing to live with the pain -- you're correct: I'm still in love with him -- but, one cannot make another fall in love with them no matter how hard they try -- I'll just never know why he would put me through so many years of not being in love with me and expecting my love for him to never make me quit the marriage -- it is truly obvious that he doesn't have a 2nd thought about counseling and, like I mentioned above, I'm willing to live with it and without him -- I HAVE to be --

 

Thank you for your understanding and kindness -- and knowledge --

[Dack]

I was thinking about the following the other day:

 

Outside of family, who are my best friends, I have only 1 friend who lives out of state and cannot sit down over a cup of java.

 

My husband never allowed me to have friends. He was afraid he'd lose control of me. When we first met, I had a good friend but was glad to let her go because it turned out she wasn't such a good friend, after all. That's not the point. The point is, I'm truly at a loss. It's sometimes nice to have someone outside of family to sit down and talk with instead of always leaning on my family to be that for me. I don't like imposing too much. My family have their lives, too. I usually try to make it short and sweet and not dwelling on these issues.

 

This makes me feel extra lonely.

[LisaUk]

Hi Dack

 

I'm glad I was able to help, I just interpreted what you posted. Myself, I'm the "left", (check my thread if you would like any background), even though you are the "doer" I just got the feeling you are not the typical "doer". Something about your post just resonated with many of what us "lefts" are feeling, so no you are not alone in your feelings.

 

Grief has five stages

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

You may experience all of them, in any order and may repeat them more than once.

 

You're not alone, everyone here on LS is really supportive, keep posting, I've found it has helped do much to talk to people who know what you are going through.

 

Was your H abusive? You say he prevented you from having friends in order to control you?

[Dack]

Hi Dack

 

I'm glad I was able to help, I just interpreted what you posted. Myself, I'm the "left", (check my thread if you would like any background), even though you are the "doer" I just got the feeling you are not the typical "doer". Something about your post just resonated with many of what us "lefts" are feeling, so no you are not alone in your feelings.

 

Grief has five stages

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

You may experience all of them, in any order and may repeat them more than once.

 

You're not alone, everyone here on LS is really supportive, keep posting, I've found it has helped do much to talk to people who know what you are going through.

 

Was your H abusive? You say he prevented you from having friends in order to control you?

 

Thank you so much, Lisa -- I will certainly check your thread out --

 

Yes, he is a controller -- and very critical of everything about me. He wouldn't allow me to have a cordless phone so he could listen in on my conversations -- and then tell me everything that I said that he didn't appove of. I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone, either -- not even for emergecy purposes.

 

He has cheated on me with numerous women in the past -- including a hooker. (Yes, I've been tested many times for STD). He's been in prison and jail for DUI -- this last time was the 4th of july -- he was picked up for meth -- got out on prop 36 for 1st time offenders -- all of his past offenses have already fallen off of his record -- when he tried to come home, I wouldn't let him back in -- he quit for 5 or 6 yrs and started up again 6 months ago -- he's at "our" (his) daughter's right now -- she's about to have a baby as is my 19 yr old -- 2 days apart.

 

Most of our sex life all of these 11 years has been mainly one-sided (his) oral sex with "mercy sex" in there once in awhile if I was lucky -- complete rejection of me and, he got upset when I finally stopped (oral) altogether about 1 or 2 years ago. This forced him to actually have sex with me, and it was obvious that it wasn't enough for him.

 

He was telling me that I wasn't in love with him anymore (nothing could be further from the truth) and that I took my love from him. What about me? Why couldn't I have ever experienced him being in love with me? Was I destined to keep this marriage together on my love, alone? I was expected to live on a rose or a card every now and then -- a bandaid.

 

He'd tell me all of the things he'd do for me -- the roses/cards -- and that should've been enough. Every time I've tried to talk my feelings out to him, he'd angrily shut me down -- and later put a sex bandaid on it.

 

I'm a writer - wrote a book and a few songs -- whenever I'd get in a new demo, I'd ask him to listen to it -- he'd get mad at me and not listen to it -- and not be excited for me -- nor be proud of me. He says he only wanted to make me proud of him like I used to be but, what about me? Why couldn't he ever have been proud of me and who I am?

 

He's a rolling stone -- he won't be alone for long, if he already isn't alone -- I wrote a 6 page letter to him and he told my 10 yr old that he was afraid to read it -- he hasn't read it because, true to form, he's not the least bit in what I have to say or know how I feel.

 

Thank you for letting me open this up.

[ralph1319]

you remind me of how my wife was towards me.Very kind always willing to put herself last.We just separated about 5 months ago.I miss her everyday and kick myself for just now being there for her.Unlike your husband i do want to come back to her if she would ever let me.Im sorry for the pain you feel i really do but if he's happy not being with you then its his loss.Just give it time when he realize that he wont be taken care off the way you took care of him.he'll run back and the ball will be in your court and if he doesnt come back the next person you"ll be with will be one very lucky man.

[freedevil]

I was thinking about the following the other day:

 

Outside of family, who are my best friends, I have only 1 friend who lives out of state and cannot sit down over a cup of java.

 

My husband never allowed me to have friends. He was afraid he'd lose control of me. When we first met, I had a good friend but was glad to let her go because it turned out she wasn't such a good friend, after all. That's not the point. The point is, I'm truly at a loss. It's sometimes nice to have someone outside of family to sit down and talk with instead of always leaning on my family to be that for me. I don't like imposing too much. My family have their lives, too. I usually try to make it short and sweet and not dwelling on these issues.

 

This makes me feel extra lonely.

 

I understand I have no friends either. Even if I go to the movies with my brother while my wife is out of town she gets upset I don't call and check in with her that I made it to the theater. I think this controlling and non trusting attitude comes from low self esteem. They always fear you might find someone better than them or somehow end up being happy outside of the marriage.

 

And you're still young and will be fine you already have one new friend... me

[LisaUk]

I understand I have no friends either. Even if I go to the movies with my brother while my wife is out of town she gets upset I don't call and check in with her that I made it to the theater. I think this controlling and non trusting attitude comes from low self esteem. They always fear you might find someone better than them or somehow end up being happy outside of the marriage.

 

And you're still young and will be fine you already have one new friend... me

 

I am dealing with low self esteem issues in counselling at the moment. If anything from my own experiences, low SE is about pleasing and not hurting another, being perfect, putting your feelings aside for the sake of another, measuring your self worth from others opinions of you. That is in direct opposition of controlling another. To control another would mean that one has confidence in themself, doesn't care if that person likes them. What I mean is, if anything a person with low SE will allow another to control them, be a doormat, not the other way round. Maybe I am wrong, I'm still working through it all, but that's how it seems to me at the moment.

[Dack]

you remind me of how my wife was towards me.Very kind always willing to put herself last.We just separated about 5 months ago.I miss her everyday and kick myself for just now being there for her.Unlike your husband i do want to come back to her if she would ever let me.Im sorry for the pain you feel i really do but if he's happy not being with you then its his loss.Just give it time when he realize that he wont be taken care off the way you took care of him.he'll run back and the ball will be in your court and if he doesnt come back the next person you"ll be with will be one very lucky man.

 

I'm sorry to read of your own situation and will keep a prayer for you -- and thank you for your kindness -- I have a feeling that if you keep showing this sweet side of you to her, she will want you back -- Thank you for being so sweet -- I've been starved to hear things like that for a lot of years -- it truly helps --

[Dack]

I understand I have no friends either. Even if I go to the movies with my brother while my wife is out of town she gets upset I don't call and check in with her that I made it to the theater. I think this controlling and non trusting attitude comes from low self esteem. They always fear you might find someone better than them or somehow end up being happy outside of the marriage.

 

And you're still young and will be fine you already have one new friend... me

 

Thank you, my new friend.

 

And, speaking of new, I've just found out that I'm now a grandmother -- getting ready to go down to the hospital right now -- it's a girl -- the boy will be following soon, probably within the week -- both oldest daughters -- this takes the edge off of H-pain.

[freedevil]

I am dealing with low self esteem issues in counselling at the moment. If anything from my own experiences, low SE is about pleasing and not hurting another, being perfect, putting your feelings aside for the sake of another, measuring your self worth from others opinions of you. That is in direct opposition of controlling another. To control another would mean that one has confidence in themself, doesn't care if that person likes them. What I mean is, if anything a person with low SE will allow another to control them, be a doormat, not the other way round. Maybe I am wrong, I'm still working through it all, but that's how it seems to me at the moment.

 

I am sorry to hear that. I don't suffer from low self esteem that strongly but my wife is a pushover and has really low self esteem. Yet I can't control her only her family can. Go figure and she did not go out of the way to please me. Maybe it's just your personality to be nice and wanting others to be happy that got tied into low SE somewhere.

 

In short, I am saying you're kind hearted perhaps.

[Dack]

I am dealing with low self esteem issues in counselling at the moment. If anything from my own experiences, low SE is about pleasing and not hurting another, being perfect, putting your feelings aside for the sake of another, measuring your self worth from others opinions of you. That is in direct opposition of controlling another. To control another would mean that one has confidence in themself, doesn't care if that person likes them. What I mean is, if anything a person with low SE will allow another to control them, be a doormat, not the other way round. Maybe I am wrong, I'm still working through it all, but that's how it seems to me at the moment.

 

I need a little bit of what you have -- counseling --

 

Gotta run down to the hospital, now -- thank you so much for everything, sweetie -- I'll be back in, probably tonight --

 

Hugs

[freedevil]

Thank you, my new friend.

 

And, speaking of new, I've just found out that I'm now a grandmother -- getting ready to go down to the hospital right now -- it's a girl -- the boy will be following soon, probably within the week -- both oldest daughters -- this takes the edge off of H-pain.

 

Wow congrats. You're already making too many new friends ;p

 

Good luck on the babies!

[LisaUk]

I am sorry to hear that. I don't suffer from low self esteem that strongly but my wife is a pushover and has really low self esteem. Yet I can't control her only her family can. Go figure and she did not go out of the way to please me. Maybe it's just your personality to be nice and wanting others to be happy that got tied into low SE somewhere.

 

In short, I am saying you're kind hearted perhaps.

 

That's nice of you to say.

 

I've read your thread and I know your w is being abusive to you, I'm in no way excusing that, but, your comment above "MY WIFE IS A PUSHOVER AND HAS REALLY LOW SELF ESTEEM. YET I CAN'T CONTROL HER"

 

You tell me, what does not seem to ring true with that sentance? Also, why do you feel the need to control someone? I understand she is abusive and that is unacceptable, however from reading your OP I got the strong impression she is maybe reacting to the way you treat her? Perhaps I have this all wrong?

 

Dack, sorry to hijack your thread, congrats on the grandchild!

[freedevil]

That's nice of you to say.

 

I've read your thread and I know your w is being abusive to you, I'm in no way excusing that, but, your comment above "MY WIFE IS A PUSHOVER AND HAS REALLY LOW SELF ESTEEM. YET I CAN'T CONTROL HER"

 

You tell me, what does not seem to ring true with that sentance? Also, why do you feel the need to control someone? I understand she is abusive and that is unacceptable, however from reading your OP I got the strong impression she is maybe reacting to the way you treat her? Perhaps I have this all wrong?

 

Dack, sorry to hijack your thread, congrats on the grandchild!

 

I don't treat my wife badly. By control her I meant having her stop the way she behaves towards me or have any regard or respect. She can't control her actions or anger. She's always been a pushover with everyone but me and we have discussed that many times. It's her own opinion not mine.

 

I strongly believe years of repression have caused these problems for her. But I am stuck along for the ride being assaulted. She hits me because I don't listen to her. Which sounds great but if I have an extra drink or eat dessert that's considered not listening to her and warrants her to hit me. If you still believe I am causing all this because of my behaviour towards her then so be it.

 

We share everything. Credit cards, money she never asks me or needs me for much. She doesn't work either. So how does she have it so bad? The truth is she doesn't love me I guess and it's hard to accept that. A lot of effort went into this marriage.

[LisaUk]

I don't treat my wife badly. By control her I meant having her stop the way she behaves towards me or have any regard or respect. She can't control her actions or anger. She's always been a pushover with everyone but me and we have discussed that many times. It's her own opinion not mine.

 

I strongly believe years of repression have caused these problems for her. But I am stuck along for the ride being assaulted. She hits me because I don't listen to her. Which sounds great but if I have an extra drink or eat dessert that's considered not listening to her and warrants her to hit me. If you still believe I am causing all this because of my behaviour towards her then so be it.

 

We share everything. Credit cards, money she never asks me or needs me for much. She doesn't work either. So how does she have it so bad? The truth is she doesn't love me I guess and it's hard to accept that. A lot of effort went into this marriage.

 

No, what you have written here sounds like she is abusive. There is no excuse for that.

 

The impression I got from your OP was that you talk a lot about your needs being met but don't mention if she has expressed unhappiness before these needs stopped being met. That is why I thought perhaps her behaviour (the shouting, silent treatment) was a response to the way she feels in the relationship.

 

However, you sound like you think this a problem she has in general and is taking it out on you?

[freedevil]

No, what you have written here sounds like she is abusive. There is no excuse for that.

 

The impression I got from your OP was that you talk a lot about your needs being met but don't mention if she has expressed unhappiness before these needs stopped being met. That is why I thought perhaps her behaviour (the shouting, silent treatment) was a response to the way she feels in the relationship.

 

However, you sound like you think this a problem she has in general and is taking it out on you?

 

I try to meet all her needs. She loves buying make up getting haircuts every 20 days, expensive purses. When I ask her why aren't we happy together she says I don't try enough. If I ask what should I do? She says nothing concrete again help around the house. We rent there's nothing to do much around here. I vacuum every sunday clean the tv and computers. There are no dishes. I don't know what else to do to please her? Besides these petty things she says nothing. Our house is so clean because we never hang out together to even mess it up.

 

I told her many times if we are suffering we should separate. She says no she loves me and we can work it out. We are young and marriage isn't easy, let's stay. So i say okay and then we work on nothing because she won't say. If she told me hey do this, be this way I am willing to. Instead she's just quiet or giving me silent treatment because I tell her what I wish from her. She gets upset then.

 

All i wanted was her to say Hi to me when I walk into the door. Even try hugging each other whenever we come back from going outside. She won't come to me. I always go to her. Say hi first, give the kiss first. If i can't tell my wife of my sexual needs I don't know who else I could.

 

I don't desire much from her but love and sex are intertwined for men. We feel unwanted when a woman never shows interest. Most marriages break up over this. I have even given up on sex for her. I don't go to her anymore and once in a blue moon she comes to me now. Even then I can't tell she wants it half the time and don't pull the trigger then the next day she says she was in the mood. How hard is it to show that? I have waited 3 years how much more time is required to open up sexually? Sadly at my age I am in my prime.

[LisaUk]

Freedevil, i have hijacked dack's thread here, so I will reply on yours, if that's ok?

[freedevil]

Freedevil, i have hijacked dack's thread here, so I will reply on yours, if that's ok?

 

Haha yeah we did do that to Dack. Sorry Dack. Let's move to my thread.

[Dack]

Wow congrats. You're already making too many new friends ;p

 

Good luck on the babies!

 

Thank you -- she is perfect in every single way -- no redness, no dry scales -- soft skin -- her name is Delilah Rose -- just gorgeous --

[Dack]

No worries about the hijack -- we're all in this thing together, no?

[freedevil]

No worries about the hijack -- we're all in this thing together, no?

 

Yeah you're right much to the baby girl