colosseum Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, that's not true; I was the dumper my first relationship ever, but I did such a miserable job that eventually I ended up being dumped cause I was going back and forth (hence being really inconsiderate; hindsight = 20/20). But I've aged a few years and learned a lot since, and do not expect to make such an ugly exit this time, or ever again. Of course I set myself up great (not). Been in touch with this girl for a few months over LDR, talking about 2x a week, but something deep inside tells me it's just not going to work. We see each other in 2 weeks. Yeah, long wait, build the anticipation, then let it all crash down in flaming fury. Not what I want/wanted, but I'm afraid waiting will just make it worse - cut my losses now and save greater pain later, right? So how do I? I've really tied myself up in a quandary...Ugh. I don't want to, but something deep inside tells me it just won't last...!!
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, that's not true; I was the dumper my first relationship ever, but I did such a miserable job that eventually I ended up being dumped cause I was going back and forth (hence being really inconsiderate; hindsight = 20/20). But I've aged a few years and learned a lot since, and do not expect to make such an ugly exit this time, or ever again. Of course I set myself up great (not). Been in touch with this girl for a few months over LDR, talking about 2x a week, but something deep inside tells me it's just not going to work. We see each other in 2 weeks. Yeah, long wait, build the anticipation, then let it all crash down in flaming fury. Not what I want/wanted, but I'm afraid waiting will just make it worse - cut my losses now and save greater pain later, right? So how do I? I've really tied myself up in a quandary...Ugh. I don't want to, but something deep inside tells me it just won't last...!! - Tell her in person, or at least on the phone (if she's still far away). Don't email or text or IM. - Be open, direct, and short. No need to twist the knife in the wound. - She will want to talk about it. Don't. Keep the conversation to a few minutes, max.
moo Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 1-Why don't you think this will work? Is it fear? Is it something else? Can it be fixed? You can talk to her about that. Will moving closer to her solve it? Do you want to save the relationship? If you decide you want to break up: 1-Be gentle and express yourself clearly. 2-ANSWER her questions truthfully....there will be lots of "Whys." Be honest but gentle. 3-It's probably best to have no contact at all. Gently explain to her that it is best if you two don't speak for a while....maybe a few months, maybe never speak again...decide that but be clear and direct. Be gentle, but not wishy-washy. And really explain what that means....you won't be in contact with her on any level (no phone calls, no emails, etc.). 4-If you have her on your myspace/facebook page, take the pictures down, but TELL her you will take the pictures down. If you end up in another relationship before a few months is up, DON't put that woman's picture up there. 5-Respect her pain and her grief. Good luck
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 2-ANSWER her questions truthfully....there will be lots of "Whys." Be honest but gentle. I disagree. If you start answering all her questions, it will never end. You will say things that she will obsess on forever (if she takes the break-up badly). She won't be ready for this kind of talk on the day of the break-up. Maybe some months later. So, don't. 3-It's probably best to have no contact at all. Gently explain to her that it is best if you two don't speak for a while....maybe a few months, maybe never speak again...decide that but be clear and direct. Be gentle, but not wishy-washy. And really explain what that means....you won't be in contact with her on any level (no phone calls, no emails, etc.). You can tell her, but it's pointless. Unless she realizes for herself that' NC is good for her, she will contact you. You might ignore her contact attempts, but its her those are going to hurt. She has to find the strength herself. 4-If you have her on your myspace/facebook page, take the pictures down, but TELL her you will take the pictures down. If you end up in another relationship before a few months is up, DON't put that woman's picture up there. I disagree. She was part of his life, why remove it? And why not put the new woman up? No one forces her to look at it, it's her own responsibility. This is just stupid.
hoping2heal Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, that's not true; I was the dumper my first relationship ever, but I did such a miserable job that eventually I ended up being dumped cause I was going back and forth (hence being really inconsiderate; hindsight = 20/20). But I've aged a few years and learned a lot since, and do not expect to make such an ugly exit this time, or ever again. Of course I set myself up great (not). Been in touch with this girl for a few months over LDR, talking about 2x a week, but something deep inside tells me it's just not going to work. We see each other in 2 weeks. Yeah, long wait, build the anticipation, then let it all crash down in flaming fury. Not what I want/wanted, but I'm afraid waiting will just make it worse - cut my losses now and save greater pain later, right? So how do I? I've really tied myself up in a quandary...Ugh. I don't want to, but something deep inside tells me it just won't last...!! Just make sure that it's legitimate reasons for why you think it won't last and NOT just your insecurity talking. What are your reasons right now for believing it's not going to work?
hoping2heal Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I disagree. She was part of his life, why remove it? This is just stupid. Yes, she WAS part of his life, the key word being was. Why on earth would you keep an ex on your profile?
Els Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 And I thought the classic line was that it was always women reacting on impulse to gut instincts without any reason. Rofl. Well OP, since you've made your decision, you just have to tell her as it is. Dumping is never easy. It was so very hard for me with my ex even though I was totally over him. Just make sure you're SURE and you don't dump her only to start asking her to take you back two weeks later when she's around again. Bad for your dignity and also a horrible mind**** for her.
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Just make sure that it's legitimate reasons for why you think it won't last and NOT just your insecurity talking. 'legitimate reason' - what a joke. If he wants to end it, he can end it for whatever reason he wants. His reasons need the approval of no one. What are your reasons right now for believing it's not going to work? Who cares, he made a decision.
ThomasX Forever Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I want to know who hurt you so badly in your life, Utterer. And how.
moo Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 This is just stupid. My comments might seem stupid to an insensitive person, utterer. I don't think they are. You can disagree with me, but try to have some decorum in the forums.
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I want to know who hurt you so badly in your life, Utterer. And how. After telling her to f*ck off and remove every single trace of her from my life for the fifth (or so) time... she actually did it. But it's ok, it wasn't that bad. Just hurt pride. I'm sure it's one of the few things you can actually understand.
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 My comments might seem stupid to an insensitive person, utterer. I don't think they are. You can disagree with me, but try to have some decorum in the forums. Sorry if I offended you, I did not intend to. However, I do think that it's stupid to expect that anyone censors their facebook according the wishes of an ex.
ThomasX Forever Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 After telling her to f*ck off and remove every single trace of her from my life for the fifth (or so) time... she actually did it. But it's ok, it wasn't that bad. Just hurt pride. I'm sure it's one of the few things you can actually understand. ....Right. So, did she cheat on you? Tell you she doesn't love you anymore? Or is it something different altogether? Maybe you were made fun of at some point in your life, and that's why you can't accept others weakness in any form. Because you yourself had no room for weakness; you fought all the pain. No one could hurt you. No one. And now you can't understand why anyone else has any moments of weakness. You hate it. You hate yourself. Don't worry, it wasn't your fault.
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Man, Thomas sure has your number, utterer! At least he saved you the $120/hour. Another excellent internet psychoanalysis by our boy Thomas there.
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Now, are we sure that was really Thomas posting? Because my guess is that it was his vengeful impostor writing there.
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 ....Right. Feel free to believe whatever you want. So, did she cheat on you? No. But this is a non-issue for me anyway, I do not value monogamy or sexual exclusivity as much as you seem to. I rather have freedom for myself and for my partner. Tell you she doesn't love you anymore? No. Or is it something different altogether? Maybe you were made fun of at some point in your life, I'm quite sure that I was made fun of at some point in my life. Who wasn't? But I was never the laughing stock, if that's what you wanted to imply. and that's why you can't accept others weakness in any form. Haha. What makes you think that? Let me guess...it's because I teased you when you were wallowing in self-pity. You didn't take that too well. But it helped, didn't it? Because you yourself had no room for weakness, and you can't understand why anyone else does. So you suggest that people should be weak to become better, happier and more fulfulled? Well, maybe if you define 'giving in to temptation sometimes' as weak...
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Thomas, I wish you would post in this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198135/ People are talking about what a help you are. You should check it, it's inspiring.
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Because you yourself had no room for weakness; you fought all the pain. No one could hurt you. No one. And now you can't understand why anyone else has any moments of weakness. You hate it. You hate yourself. Don't worry, it wasn't your fault. Oh, now you changed your post while I was answering... boring. But .. I hate myself??? This is truly news to me. I'm not actually arrogant, elitist, selfish and self-centered. No, I just hate myself so much it actually inflates my sense of self-worth! Haha, great fun! Oh, and btw: Moo knows I care!
utterer of lies Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Yes, she WAS part of his life, the key word being was. Why on earth would you keep an ex on your profile? Why delete the pictures with her? Should he try to forget the memories, too? There was a reason they were together, there were good times. Erasing those just because it didn't work out in the end is just... (oh, Thomas X is going to like this...) weak!
moo Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm not saying he should never put a new gf on his profile...just to wait a few months so the ex can grieve. He has the right to put anyone he wants on his profile at any time...I'm just saying to be kind and empathetic. By the way, I do appreciate your apology, utterer.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 'legitimate reason' - what a joke. Joke? Afraid not. People get insecure in their relationships ALL THE TIME, and instead of just sharing those insecurities with their partner so they can be laid to rest they just jump ship and abandon the relationship; they think they are protecting themselves from being hurt since they have already decided through their insecurities that is what is going too happen. If he wants to end it, he can end it for whatever reason he wants. His reasons need the approval of no one. No, he doesn't owe anyone an explanation of anything. I wasn't asking so he could run it by me and get my permission . I was asking because I still don't know if he's dumping her out of panic (which he will regret) or out of knowing she isn't compatible with him (perfectly understandable, it's better he ends it now than later).
moo Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Yes, Utterer, I do know that you care. I think you care very much.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Why delete the pictures with her? Should he try to forget the memories, too? There was a reason they were together, there were good times. Erasing those just because it didn't work out in the end is just... (oh, Thomas X is going to like this...) weak! He doesn't need to try and forget the memories unless he wants too, but keeping that crap up on his profiles? What is the next woman who comes in his life going to think that he has to keep his exes pictures up? To each their own, I find it nonsense.
northstar1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Thomas, I wish you would post in this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198135/ People are talking about what a help you are. You should check it, it's inspiring. But don't you know, DSM-IV IS NOT HIM!
Author colosseum Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 What are your reasons right now for believing it's not going to work? I mean, if I start searching for reasons I'll find it. But I'm just not sure that I'm feeling it anymore, and it's become more questionable in general. Maybe it's my insecurity of whatever, but I don't see that it should be. Should I just wait another 2 weeks before I see her? I haven't made a firm decision quite yet, since it's not like I know what I'm doing in a LDR anyway...LDR is so different from real life. But I also don't want to wait just for it to be another form of "leading her on"...?
Recommended Posts