Here we are yet again...

[BCCA]

Some of you might remember the thread I posted the other day:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=197982&page=2

 

Basically, I was looking for pointers on how to make a call to a girl I've gotten a number from. This process was actually further simplified by the fact that I ran into said girl again, and asked her out, and she said yes. We were supposed to meet for lunch, all I had to do was hit her up so we could figure out a time to meet.

 

Guess what happened? Yup, called her, no call back.

 

I'm kind of scratching my head, but I thought I would look to you all for advice. I really just dont understand whats going on. Im getting numbers with ease, and I havent gotten a fake one yet, but they never call me back. Should I be texting instead? Is calling someone overrated these days?

 

One more number deleted from my phone almost as soon as it was saved...

[SoulSearch_CO]

I don't know, BCCA. I generally don't do the ignoring thing because I wouldn't want it done to me. I took out "generally" because, really - I've NEVER done it. I think it's horrid. Freaking silent treatment. I don't understand dating these days. Hence my self-imposed break. Ahhhhhhhhhh. So much more relaxing.

 

But I do hope you find a decent woman some day that knows how to communicate.

[BCCA]

I kind of get it, you get out of the situation on the spot, and worry about dealing with a call later. It cant be that hard to ignore a call, and Im sure few guys call more than a couple of times before getting the hint. I guess I have to wonder, though, do you just kind of hope you never run into them again? Because if some girl said she wasnt interested, and I saw her again, it wouldnt be awkward at all after like a week. But why give a guy your number, knowing he'll probably call, and when he does, not call back? That just makes the whole situation weird for everyone. lol

 

Im starting to wonder if I should text instead. I dont know, seems less intrusive, but thats probably not my problem. Bleh...

[collegekid491]

There isn't much you can do, just know it happens to the best of us. On the bright side, better off not getting attached to these girls when there are other ones out there that will treat you better.

 

I would think your onto something with texting though, if I ever meet a girl that can pick up a phone and make a call, I will marry her on the spot!

[Intergalactic]

when i give a guy my number, i usually would prefer he txts me, not calls. i find calls sometimes a little too confronting and awkward - especially if it's a guy i've met in a bar and i don't know him from a bar of soap. i'd rather he txt, we txt back and forth for a bit, i get a feel for what he's like and then we set up a date. i know for a fact that in the past i have given my number to a guy and he's tried to call... i've ignored the call and then sent him a txt instead to say hi.

 

then again, don't rule out that someone might be giving you their number just to get out of it quick and deal with the consequences of having given their number. i've done that before too, although i've felt really guilty and txtd to say i wasn't interested. but it WOULD be quite unusual for that to happen to you more than a couple of times, especially in a row, unless you're doing something REALLY wrong which i'm sure you aren't!

[BCCA]

Its happening to me everytime. This is honestly probably the 15th time this has happened in the last 6 months. The worst part is that I've seen this girl a couple times in the last week waiting for the same bus, and weve talked extensively, she seemed interested, and said 'yes' to get lunch immediately and with a big smile on her face...

 

I couldnt see what Im doing wrong. If anyone can point something out, I would greatly appreciate it. I realize that its all part of the game, but stuff like this makes me not even want to play anymore. Having a call not returned is one thing, but having none of your calls returned, period, really stings.

[loveslife]

I wish I could help you. I wish I understood human behavior and had all the answers for why people do the crap they do.

 

It's probably nothing you're doing. It's probably just a string of bad luck. Or maybe it's the type of girl you're picking? The type of message you're leaving?

 

People betray people all the time. Being honourable these days is far from the norm. Technology seems to facilitate people not valuing others as they should. We're all disposable because there's so many of us out there.

 

I don't know. I'm feeling cynical but I'd say just maybe try talking to a different type of woman.

[BCCA]

I guess its just not something you can understand. We probably arent meant to. Like I said, I take this happening a few times here and there as par for the course, but everytime? I've analyzed what Im doing to death, tried several different approaches, and the same thing continues to happen.

 

I don't know. I'm feeling cynical but I'd say just maybe try talking to a different type of woman.

 

Im talking to women I find attractive. If my only other choice is to talk to women who I dont find attractive, I'll take being alone, thanks.

[loveslife]

Im talking to women I find attractive. If my only other choice is to talk to women who I dont find attractive, I'll take being alone, thanks.

 

What type of woman do you find attractive? Maybe there's something in you that's looking for something in a woman which is tied to this whole thing?

[BCCA]

What type of woman do you find attractive? Maybe there's something in you that's looking for something in a woman which is tied to this whole thing?

 

I'm talking purely looks initially. I talk to girls who I think are cute, and go from there. Some of them turn out to have weird personalities, so it doesnt go any further.

 

As for what I find attractive in a woman, I think we all have our own things, and I dont know that you can change them. Im not looking for models or the prettiest girls in the world, but you have to at least think they are hot, otherwise you wouldnt bother talking to them.

[CaliGuy]

Its happening to me everytime. This is honestly probably the 15th time this has happened in the last 6 months. The worst part is that I've seen this girl a couple times in the last week waiting for the same bus, and weve talked extensively, she seemed interested, and said 'yes' to get lunch immediately and with a big smile on her face...

 

I couldnt see what Im doing wrong. If anyone can point something out, I would greatly appreciate it. I realize that its all part of the game, but stuff like this makes me not even want to play anymore. Having a call not returned is one thing, but having none of your calls returned, period, really stings.

 

BCCA,

 

Who does the majority of talking when you both talk? If it's YOU that is a bad thing. If it's HER it's a good thing (it means she's interested). You left her a message, I would just text her one last time "Hey, if you're still interested in lunch, let me know. If not, take care..." something.

 

She may want you to be persistent (more than just once) or she may not be interested. I don't think asking twice is needy or clingy at all. You are just being upfront and direct. If it bothers the women you're taking to, try focusing in on women who are much more confident and secure.

[Jimmy's_Brother]

BCCA:

 

the exact same sh*t is happening to me. Been "dating" for like 4 months but it's going nowhere. Get a number, call, no call back. I've also tried the texting to little avail. I've gone out with some of these girls for dinner, too, only to find out they're still all hung up on their ex-boyfriends.

 

I think the solution for me is to take a step back and actively STOP trying to date. The constant string of rejections has really taken a toll on my self-image.

 

You're what, mid-twenties? Do you really think you're NOT going to meet someone? You sound like the kind of guy who wants a long-term relationship, at least at some point. Don't you think there are hot (or cute) young girls out there who want that, too?

 

You're going to end up with a girlfriend, whether you like it or not.

 

So just stop trying for a while and let them come to you. You've got years and years to meet someone right, and it usually doesn't happen when you're trying, because they can smell desperation, as well as the fact that when we're actively looking, we're more likely to settle for someone that isn't right for us.

 

You're the man, bro. Keep your head up. I'm in the same frickin' boat.

[BCCA]

I'm 28. I think the part that makes it worse is that I recently moved, and seriously have no friends around the area. If I had someone to have a beer with and watch a game, or bowl, or just shoot the sh*t with, Id be fine.

 

But when youre trying to rebuild your self image, and make new friends, and try and meet a girl...and none of it goes right...it just makes it so much more painful. You are very right though, its best to just accept things how they are, and just work on being ok with them. I'm probably going to pass on trying to talk to women for a while. If I see one I cant resist, I suppose Ill give it a try, but Im going to try and worry about me for now.

 

Let me ask you something, are the women youre getting numbers from seemingly totaly into giving it to you or act like theyre really happy to have met you? Because Im starting to think that seeming overly happy to be talking to you can be a bad sign. Actually, I just dont know what to say at all.

 

CaliGuy, it was give and take. The convo stalled a couple times, and she picked it right up. Thats the thing, I CAN take subtle hints, and Ive picked up enough of them. Problem is, I dont get any hints until my call goes unreturned.

[Jimmy's_Brother]

Let me ask you something, are the women youre getting numbers from seemingly totaly into giving it to you or act like theyre really happy to have met you? Because Im starting to think that seeming overly happy to be talking to you can be a bad sign.

 

IDK, they seem pretty interested. But I call, leave a VM - nothing! Who cares. Young girls are really, really self-centered, and I don't think I could keep up with their constant neediness and selfishness, or else I'll be back where I was a year ago with my bitch of an exGF.

[BCCA]

IDK, they seem pretty interested. But I call, leave a VM - nothing! Who cares. Young girls are really, really self-centered, and I don't think I could keep up with their constant neediness and selfishness, or else I'll be back where I was a year ago with my bitch of an exGF.

 

Yeah, thats pretty much par for the course for me. I think the part that really makes my mind wonder is were they interested at all, and my VM or something changed their mind, or were they never going to want to talk to me again regardless of my next move? Hard to say when they go MIA like this.

 

Also, are you double calling, calling once and leaving it at that, etc? I pretty much call, wait a couple days text/call again, delete number. Im thinking I may just do one call and delete, but everything I read says women generally dont respond to your first attempt, so Im somewhat confused. I dont think there is any one thing that works for everyone.

[Jimmy's_Brother]

are you double calling, calling once and leaving it at that, etc?

 

I give it one shot, one shot only. If they don't respond, I ain't going down Creepy Road. Now, with online dating, which is something I do as well, I'll send a message, get one back, and send another... only to never hear from her again. It is in THIS instance in which I have contacted again, to hear this back, every time:

 

"Oh, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch! I've been really busy with work, etc. blah blah..."

 

Which is just another blow-off.

 

Here's the mentality one must adapt - I am the prize, YOU are not the prize, if you're keen enough to recognize a good person when you meet him (meaning, ME) then well, let's talk. The problem occurs when you begin to view the accumulated rejections as some sort of reflection on yourself, and as it sounds like here, that you are doing something wrong in the approach.

 

My thoughts are that your approaches are totally fine, innocuous, non-threatening, etc. Sounds like you have a solid game. I don't think your approach is the problem.

 

I DO think that the "problem," if you wanna call it that, is that hot young girls are used to being hit on all the time, and you're just another number to them.

 

BUT, do you view yourself as just another number? I think you have more to offer than most guys. I've followed your posts and frankly you remind me of... me.

 

So whatever you do, don't let any of this BS affect you, because for the most parts, these little hotties are just attention whores who prob. already have boyfriends and are flirting with you for a little extra attention between bus stops.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy, it was give and take. The convo stalled a couple times, and she picked it right up. Thats the thing, I CAN take subtle hints, and Ive picked up enough of them. Problem is, I dont get any hints until my call goes unreturned.

 

It's a numbers game, BCCA. I hate to put it like that, but it is what it is. Get a ton of numbers, talk to a LOT of girls, go out on a lot of dates (no sex). Have your basket so full of potential girls that it won't phase you if one or two don't return calls.

 

The point is, you have to go through a gamut of potentials before you connect with the right girl. But if you put all your eggs in one basket and she doesn't reciprocate, you find yourself posting about it on LS, as if something is wrong with YOU.

 

There's nothing wrong with you -- other than the fact you're letting rejection get to you. And really, ALL of us go through periods of seamingly constant rejection. Once you understand it's just a numbers game, you'll be more relaxed and make it a fun experience.

[BCCA]

I give it one shot, one shot only. If they don't respond, I ain't going down Creepy Road

 

See, I think along the same lines, but for some reason, the last few months Ive been calling twice, simply because I've read a few books that basically say women dont return calls, be persistent. But you make the same point I would - at what point is that creepy? For me, even the second call is close, but I completely delete their number after that.

 

What are your thoughts on online dating? I didnt like that it seemed to take a week to find out a girl didnt want to go out with you, and sending emails that werent responded to wasnt any better than not getting call backs, so Ive stuck with girls I can actually see in front of me.

 

My thoughts are that your approaches are totally fine, innocuous, non-threatening, etc. Sounds like you have a solid game. I don't think your approach is the problem.

 

I DO think that the "problem," if you wanna call it that, is that hot young girls are used to being hit on all the time, and you're just another number to them.

 

BUT, do you view yourself as just another number? I think you have more to offer than most guys. I've followed your posts and frankly you remind me of... me.

 

So whatever you do, don't let any of this BS affect you, because for the most parts, these little hotties are just attention whores who prob. already have boyfriends and are flirting with you for a little extra attention between bus stops.

 

I think my game is solid, too. I think my only needed improvement is not letting one rejection linger for very long. Some times it stings for a couple days, and I know I should just let it go.

 

Im torn between trying to realize that women in their early 20's have tons of options, are extrememtly fickle, and have guys hitting on them all the time, but at the same time, Im trying to figure out what buttons to push, seeing as SOME guy is obviously getting this girl. But Im not a 'gamer', so if it means playing some stupid game for weeks to get her to date/screw me, no thanks.

 

My biggest problem is that I absolutely can get laid, if thats all Im looking for, but as far as getting an actual date goes, I have no luck. I can get bar girls flocking all over me if I dont want more than a lay, but apparently, trying to take a girl out isnt what they are looking for? Its weird, it seems with one would come the other, but it isnt working that way at all.

 

Your last point is very true, its funny how girls cringe when they tell you about a bf (most of the time, it seems it slipped out, and they didnt mean to tell you). They know you arent going to give them attention once you realize its for nothing, but theyll take it as long as youre handing it out, no questions asked.

[BCCA]

Caliguy,

 

I know youre right, I tell people its a numbers game all the time, too. I just need to shrug off rejection more easily. Its just tough when you see things go from promising to disaster without understanding what happened, but thats life; you make your own conclusions.

[CaliGuy]

BCCA, the problem I am starting to find is that you're "projecting" that you want a girlfriend -- a LTR. This is a total turn off to women you've just met. Ask for email instead of their number. Make friends with them first before asking them out.

 

I think a text or two and that's it. I don’t think it's creepy but instead of asking her out on a date, ask if she wants to grab some coffee or icecream or something. Try and make it more relaxed.

[BCCA]

This last girl, we were going to get lunch on a Tuesday. To me, thats not real 'date-ish' and we are a few blocks away from eachother, so it wouldnt be like a big deal. I see your point, though.

 

Also, I think Im projecting the idea that there good looks are enough, and so I dont care about anything else before wanting to date them. This probably turns them off just as much, so I have to work on that. Realizing problems is the first step, just gives me something to work on.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy,

 

I know youre right, I tell people its a numbers game all the time, too. I just need to shrug off rejection more easily. Its just tough when you see things go from promising to disaster without understanding what happened, but thats life; you make your own conclusions.

 

You have some conclusions to work from, especially if she's hot:

 

1. Hot women get hit on by all the time.

2. They've heard every line there is.

3. They know that, odds are, you want to get in her pants.

4. She probably has a b/f or at least 10 decent suitors "holla" at her at any one time.

 

So what makes you different? Like I said, say hi, ask her a question about herself and shut up and listen. Smile. Say something shocking/funny. I mean, rememer the class clown/cool guy in school? That's the guy you want to be. But just don't yap away at her and talk talk talk. You want to ask her about herself and then just listen. Smile, nod a lot. Make eye contact. Don't be shy.

 

I know that you realize most of this. Just know the hotter they are, the more likely they are to not return phone calls or set up a date with you. NOT because of who you are, but because of who THEY are.

[BCCA]

You know, maybe I can make a couple conclusions before asking for numbers. Next time, Im going to make an effort not to fill all the dead space with asking ?'s or making convo, if she stops talking or looks like shes not into it, I'll just bail.

 

Im trying to learn, thats why Im here. Its a cold, cold world out there

[fallendisguise]

Just know the hotter they are, the more likely they are to not return phone calls or set up a date with you. NOT because of who you are, but because of who THEY are.

 

I have to disagree with this Caliguy (no offense, your advice is spot on in other areas). Yes, there is a bit of a double standard with women. We want a nice guy who is going to treat us right and blah, blah, blah, but we also don't always want it served up on a platter right in front of us. Where is the excitement in that? If we don't return a call it's either A) because we're not interested and don't have the balls to say so (at which point you could pick up the subtle hints during the conversation...it lulls, she doesn't pick it back up, let's you do all the talking, you get a blank stare with a lot of head nodding and uh-huhs) or B) the guy is making himself too available or comes across that way. I think the same is true for guys. If you could have some girl you met right then and there, why would you bother to pursue it?? So I don't think it's always the girl, sometimes it's the vibe the guy is giving off and has nothing to do with who we are, but instead of what we want.

 

BCCA I say give her another call or shoot her a text. Give it a second shot. Perhaps she couldn't make it and hasn't called yet because SHE is afraid of being too available. Who knows, maybe something came up and she couldn't call and is now thinking "What's the point, I've blown it." When you asked her out you made it sound like she was excited by it (big smile) and I think if she didn't want to she would have made an excuse. Yes, we do agree to do things like giving out our number to get out of an awkward situation with someone we don't want to talk to, but making plans is another. I think she would have said "Oh, lunch isn't good for me because of my work schedule" or "I can't, I have plans that day" or "Well I'm booked all next month for a daily mani/pedi, sorry." To me it sounded like she was good with you guys getting together, so if anything give it a second shot so you know for sure and if it doesn't work don't be too hard on yourself.

[BCCA]

I think I gave her plenty of outs, which is why this one really shocked me. I asked her what time she took lunch, clear indication of where I was going, she gave me a time, and looked at me, and then I followed up with, 'we should grab lunch sometime, Im free X day' she agreed, and said give me a call or text me. So I called the night before to set up a place to meet, and she didnt call me back. So I decided in the morning to text, in case she was busy to see if she was still up for meeting, and no response to that either.

 

Im litterally more confused with this girl than a lot of others, she was all 'nice to meet you', super happy to see me again, really seemed into talking...and now I dont know what to think, was it all BS? Add to that, Ive seen her twice in 3 days on the bus, I have to believe it will happen again...and now, its awkward.