WTFO Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Long story short. I'm in a Separation for 4 months now. It's been very emotional for me. My STBX and I have 2 children together. She has a new man who also has a child the same age as one of my kids. She wants to remain friends, but I am leaning towards putting her in the rear view mirror and speak to her as little as possible. She texts me everyday about something about the kids or calls and talks about things the kids need for an upcoming party the wknd i have them. She brought me left over food and I don't know if she is doing this out of guilt, or is just trying to keep my head spinning. I mean,the things she is saying could all be put into 1 phone call if need be. Nope I get called like 3x a day and text the same. They are all about the kids,but is this normal? Should I tell her to call me only in an emergency? Text the rest. Oh, she also tells me this relationship with the OM is getting more serious than she thought. How do I go LC in this situation. Thanks.
imagine Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 If you want to be married to her tell her! Marriage is marriage and there are no OM/OW.
RiceBall Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm no expert, but here's my $0.02... She's just trying to communicate with you so that you can both be the best parents possible. Also, she is telling you stuff about her new man because she doesn't want you to hear it from a third party. If you prefer text messages to calls, then by all means let her know that. If you don't want to hear about the new guy, then tell her that too, but be prepared for being the last to know. You will have to continue communicating for the kids though.
Jonesey Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 In a perfect, beautiful world, what riceball is saying could be true. But, I see it differently and know that world rarely exists if at all. She is still keeping an attachment to you and her telling you about her new R is a way of manipulating you. Respect is not telling you things that are hurtful. Keeping them quiet until no damage can be done is how it should be done. I would drop all convo with her like a hot rock, except things that you have to talk about in person. The rest can be done VIA e-mail. NC buddy!!! Good Luck! Jonesey
cyabye Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 She is still keeping an attachment to you and her telling you about her new R is a way of manipulating you. Respect is not telling you things that are hurtful. Keeping them quiet until no damage can be done is how it should be done. Jonesey Agree with the attachment motive, however in this situation keeping things quiet or a away from him would not be out of respect. She does not care about or respect your feelings. You have only been separated 4 months and she is serious with another man? It's kinda like rubbing your face in it. Wish her luck on that rollercoaster and go min. contact for children related issues only. Tell her to stop texting you and that you do not care to hear about her new man.
Author WTFO Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 You have only been separated 4 months and she is serious with another man? . Serious?..lol This guy is better than sliced bread. The kids love him.(he has a decent amount of money from what I gather and spoils the kids w/toys and is a goof ball around them) The children are saying they say ILU to each other,kissing the whole 9. She seems to want her cake and eat it too by being nice and wanting to be friends. I don't know if I can do that right now. Maybe in the future,but not now. She is bringing up holidays when the kids open presents she wants me there to be apart of it. I am just uncomfortable going back to my old Apt. where this new guy is having sex with my STB and I'm suppose to put a smile on my face? Is this normal? How do I turn the page and act more civil to the woman who crushed me and still wants to be friends?
hopesndreams Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm no expert, but here's my $0.02... She's just trying to communicate with you so that you can both be the best parents possible. No, she is communicating because it feeds her ego to know that he is there, still pining after her. Also, she is telling you stuff about her new man because she doesn't want you to hear it from a third party. No, she wants him to hear what a great man she has found and doesn't give a hoot that his knowing this information is extremely hurtful and setting him back in healing. If you prefer text messages to calls, then by all means let her know that. If you don't want to hear about the new guy, then tell her that too, but be prepared for being the last to know. OP, the less you know about the new man in her life, the better. You know this. Tell her you will communicate about the kids only. She is showing you zero respect by even bringing him up in conversation. You will have to continue communicating for the kids though. That is correct! Kids only! You don't need, don't want to know what she is doing, honestly, it will just continue to eat you up inside if you allow this. Who in their right mind would want to hear how great the ex is having it with the new love? End getting this kind of information, NOW, for your own sanity.
hopesndreams Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 How do I turn the page and act more civil to the woman who crushed me and still wants to be friends? There is no law that says you must remain friends with her. By remaining friends, it gives you that little bit of hope to cling to that she will come back. If and when you have NO FEELINGS for her, then perhaps, friendship is an option.
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Remain civil and respectful for the benefit of your children, but otherwise she has become irrelevant. Just another human being for whom you are politely disinterested. If she starts in with the tampon business, pull it out and hand it to her. "We're not married anymore and I have no interest in being involved in nor hearing about your personal life. I'm here for the children".
Author WTFO Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 ... "We're not married anymore and I have no interest in being involved in nor hearing about your personal life. I'm here for the children". I like this. I get Po'd actually when I hear her voice now.
seibert253 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Remain civil and respectful for the benefit of your children, but otherwise she has become irrelevant. Just another human being for whom you are politely disinterested. If she starts in with the tampon business, pull it out and hand it to her. "We're not married anymore and I have no interest in being involved in nor hearing about your personal life. I'm here for the children". Yes, Yes, Yes. Do this. She stringing you along dude. She wants to test the waters with OM. If it doesn't work, she wants to keep you around just in case. You deserve better. I wouldn't answer her texts/calls, yada yada, and do the above.
RiceBall Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I can't decide which post to quote. Nobody thought much of my earlier comment. Either your ex is selfish, stringing you along, and doesn't give a crap about your feelings OR she is a bit of an idealist living in la la land. You know her better than any of us. One thing I think we all agree on though is that you should be straight forward and honest about what is or is not acceptable. Oh and while I'm here and typing, I don't see any reason why you should spend xmas with her and her new guy. Just let them open her presents with her and your presents with you. Again, just be open with her about how you want to handle things. Once you establish routines hopefully it will get easier.
lovelorcet Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Remain civil and respectful for the benefit of your children, but otherwise she has become irrelevant. Just another human being for whom you are politely disinterested. If she starts in with the tampon business, pull it out and hand it to her. "We're not married anymore and I have no interest in being involved in nor hearing about your personal life. I'm here for the children". In principle I agree with this and if you want to be a good and involved father you are going to have to have a decent relationship with this woman. Maybe she is boosting her ego by telling you about the new relationship or maybe she just wants you to know what is going on in your kids life... maybe its both. Does it really matter? I think you are going to have to learn to just ignore some things and let them be. Just concentrate on your kids and being a good dad and the rest will take care of itself over time.
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