MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I've been legally separated for over 4 years, and the only reason I am not divorced is because I lagged on the paperwork. We all have our reasons as to why the dotted line hasn't been signed yet (or has, and not completed by the court). This does not mean the relationship is still a marriage LEGALLY and I honestly feel for myself there is no difference in my status now, what it was 4 years ago, and what it will be in another month when the D is final. Emotionally, yes there have been changes, but this isn't because of my marital status, this is because I have chosen to grow as a person, as would a single, married, common-law, widowed, divorced, or "other" person. So please do not judge those of us in the separated status. We are no longer married. Check your tax return. There is a separate box for "Separated".
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Are you venting or just making a statement. many people whether legally married or seperated still is under the assumption that seperated means just that. and others dont. simple as that. You shouldnt have been seperated for so long. If both of you guys are at peace with this divorc, then be at peace and let it. go. Why are you having problems with it?
MrMayI Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Are you venting or just making a statement. many people whether legally married or seperated still is under the assumption that seperated means just that. and others dont. simple as that. You shouldnt have been seperated for so long. If both of you guys are at peace with this divorc, then be at peace and let it. go. Why are you having problems with it? i agree. 4 yrs of separation? i'm only 2 months in and ending it.
imagine Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 So please do not judge those of us in the separated status. We are no longer married. Check your tax return. There is a separate box for "Separated". I don't know about you, but I made a promise before God that I would stay married to my wife. My word means a lot to me although for many others there appears to be a devaluation of the concept "My word is my bond" How about you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 exH and I are legally separated. Our state makes it very difficult to separate, what with those AOA and CC laws - and you cannot file for D until you have been living separately for a year and a day. You are considered legally separated when your bills go to different homes. It is definitely a legal status here, anway. Luckily our split is extremely amicable. We split several years ago, and lived in the same place for a year until he could afford his own place, then he moved out, and before a year and a day was up the first time - I ended up moving back in with him because of illness and stayed until I was on my feet financially and able to support myself - took about a year to fully recover and pad my account. Moved out, and had to start the year and a day all over again. Five years in all. His GF isn't happy with it. In her mind she is dating a MM even though we have not been a couple for five years, and are living separately now. We will divorce when the time comes, but it won't be for another year or so provided nothing drastic happens. Neither of us really see the need for divorce right now, but I guess if his relationship gets serious he will need to go ahead and do the deed. If not, and neither of us finds ourselves in a situation where it is necessary, we could stay "married" forever really and it wouldn't matter to either of us. It would save legal and court costs I guess.
Trimmer Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I wouldn't judge you for it. You have your reasons, and you can run your life the way you want. As long as it is working for you and your separated husband, it's no skin off my nose. Now, however, I might make the choice not to date you, or if I dated you and knew you were separated but not divorced, I might make the choice not to take the relationship to a "next level." I don't consider that judgement; I consider it looking at all the information available about you (do you have kids, how far away do you live, what kind of personality and emotional capacity do you have, etc...), and making a decision about what works for me. And that would include listening to whatever you wanted to tell me about your reasons for not finishing the divorce after such a long time. Or wondering why you wouldn't tell me, if that were the case... So I don't know if you consider that "judgement", but I don't see it that way: it's not a decision on my part as to whether you are a good or bad person, just a decision as to whether you are right for me at that time. Just to establish some street cred: I was separated for over 3 years before our divorce was finalized, in spite of the fact that in my state it would have been pretty straightforward to copmlete it after just a 90-day period. Reasons: somewhat laziness, somewhat because we were establishing a good working relationship as parents for our kids, and we wanted to get that solidly in place before rocking the boat with paperwork, and finally, the longer waiting period meant that things were very much "cooled off" emotionally by the time we did hash things out - there was virtually no drama around the divorce itself. Having said all that, and knowing in my own heart that it was definitely over, I would have completely understood if a woman had said to me: I really can't date you seriously while you are still married. I wouldn't have had any trouble getting that...
CM2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I don't know about you, but I made a promise before God that I would stay married to my wife. My word means a lot to me although for many others there appears to be a devaluation of the concept "My word is my bond" How about you? I feel you, cause im in the seperated category and I feel the same as you I made a promise before that I would stay married to my wife......
Thornton Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 His GF isn't happy with it. In her mind she is dating a MM even though we have not been a couple for five years, and are living separately now. That would be my attitude too, tbh. I wouldn't like it if my man was still married to someone else. It's up to you if you're happy with how things are, but like Trimmer I would choose not to date someone in that situation. I would probably say "I like you but I can't date you... call me when you're actually divorced".
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Ok, it isn't that we are choosing not to divorce. It is that circumstances have legally prevented us from doing so. In my state it is simply not possible to 'choose when you want to divorce' - you have to prove that you have lived separately for an unbroken period of a year and a day regardless of circumstances like mine. exH and I have been divorced in all but paperwork for five years. It is the state and only the state and its laws that have prevented us from even starting divorce proceedings. Sometimes, being separated isn't a choice not to divorce, nor is it 'holding on to someone'. Sometimes it is something that you have to abide by legally whether you want to or not. Luckily my dating pool is here in my state, where everyone knows and understands the 'year and a day' thing, and knows mine and exH's circumstances. I can see why someone from the outside (like exH's GF - she isn't from this state) might see it differently, but we natives just go with the flow, I guess.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 LB and Trimmer, I was in much the same situation, where it was just paperwork, so laziness and procrastination got in the way, and everything is amicable and we can still do family things together. My rant is more directed toward the posters telling me I shouldn't expect anything out of a relationship because I am still married. My stance is that if I am legally separated, I am not legally married. I am LEGALLY SEPARATED. In Canada, if you live apart for six months and do not live together for more than 30 days in a row in that period, you are considered legally separated, with or without a signed separation agreement. The court will not grant a divorce until you have been separated for one year (including the first six months) but you can file before that time. In my case, within the first six months I downloaded forms from the internet (paid $250) and printed them all off, read all the instructions, and found it quite overwhelming. I looked at them again six months later, reorganized, labelled, photocopied, got all my tax forms out, then got busy (in winter for me there just aren't enough hours in the day). The next spring I realized it had been a year, so I got the forms out again, updated them, and realized there wasn't anything regarding the kids, so I did a bunch of online research, and well summer came and went, winter came and went. I kept "forgetting" to make time to go to the courthouse. All the personal leave from work seemed to be used up and I just couldn't get away during working hours, and was never quite sure that doing it this way would cover all the bases.. The years have gone by quickly, neither of us was pressing the issue (meaning neither was ready for marriage again). I finally am ready to have someone to come home to again. So I decided to go talk to a lawyer and find out how much this will cost. I had to pay $1000 up front and hopefully no more, hopefully I will get some back, but it was just a matter of them doing all the work I was procrastinating on. Assets and child issues were settled long ago. Just sayin, that everyone's situation is different. If you don't want to date a procrastinator, I'll understand that, but there is no difference between my separated status and my divorced status.
Trimmer Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Just sayin, that everyone's situation is different. If you don't want to date a procrastinator, I'll understand that, but there is no difference between my separated status and my divorced status. Well, I'm in the interesting position of both agreeing and disagreeing with you, on the very same issue. From experience, I know what you mean when you say that to you, there is no difference between your current status (separated) and your ultimate status (divorced) because that's how I felt, too. But I also know that a lot of people believe that while separated may indeed be its own status, it is not equivalent to single. Put briefly, yes, I agree that separated is not married, but it is not single, either. Although I didn't read the specific comments you're referring to, in general, I wouldn't take such comments - about what to expect trying to date as a separated person - as judgements on you, your worth as a human being or a relationship partner, or some kind of a negative commentary on your decision/situation of not being divorced yet. But objectively those comments reflect, and perhaps prepare you for the reality, that people are wary of a separated person, and that - again, in general - even if they understand that separated is not the same as married, they don't see it as equivalent to single. Bottom line: it probably will be an obstacle with a lot of potential partners, and you'll have to have some serious discussions to get past that, to a degree you wouldn't need to do if you were completely divorced / single. Not a judgement on you, just the way people see marriage/separation/divorce/single-hood.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 You are right. Separated is not the same as single. When I browse dating sites, I avoid "single" men because they have never been married, and maybe I, too, am judgmental in that I assume they are commitment-phobes. Meanwhile they may have been in common-law relationships, which is to "married" as separated is to divorced, imho.
OceanBlue Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You shouldnt have been seperated for so long. If both of you guys are at peace with this divorc, then be at peace and let it. go. Why are you having problems with it? I had issues with the $2,000 it cost. That would be my attitude too, tbh. I wouldn't like it if my man was still married to someone else. It's up to you if you're happy with how things are, but like Trimmer I would choose not to date someone in that situation. I would probably say "I like you but I can't date you... call me when you're actually divorced". I probably would have found the $2,000 if I had been dating anyone seriously. And no one I dated had any issues with the separated status. The court will not grant a divorce until you have been separated for one year (including the first six months) but you can file before that time. Just sayin, that everyone's situation is different. If you don't want to date a procrastinator, I'll understand that, but there is no difference between my separated status and my divorced status. I had a legal separation agreement. It states quite clearly that we live separate and apart, as if each was unmarried. Perhaps some people confuse a legal separation with a 'trial separation' where there is the chance of returning to the marriage? We remained separated for the better part of 5 years. TBH, no one IRL had any problem with it. Eventually we got it done. And I felt no different divorced, than I did separated. My marriage was over when we separated. There was no big divorce party or anything. Maybe I didn't feel the burning need to get the divorce because all of the asset and custody issues had been dealt with by the separation agreement. The only reason we might have needed to get one would be if one of us was planning to remarry - something that hasn't happened yet. As well, once you wait that first year, the others just sort of slip by...
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 .... As well, once you wait that first year, the others just sort of slip by... You're tellin me! holy u-know-what I can't believe it's been nearly 5 years!
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