Do I need a shrink???

[BW007]

Ok, Do I need a shrink??? I know in my mind that my relationship went very bad and is over forever and cannot ever come back to the place where it was good. Kaput.. dead... Over. She is screwing someone else, is pregnant, and I will never have her in my life again. so far so crappy.

 

So why the hell can't my heart catch up with this program. This isn't about competitiveness or envy or any of that...

 

I am not trying to whine about this.

Much of the end of the relationship was some unforgivable mean hearted crap from her. I have every reason to absolutely despise my ex. The truth: I still care for her.

 

I think recent developments ripped the scab off of the left ventricle of my broken heart that I thought was healing.

 

Is this just completely twisted? I hate this.

Is this because of new info?? I am not healing from this like a normal person. Do I need a shrink or can this forum help me get it back together?

 

This is not a question of logic... I know the right and wrong of this but my heart is not catching up. It's like my heart is stubborn about love once it loves someone. I think I may love her til the last breath I take, even though we will never be together again. I want room in my heart for someone who feels the same back in my direction.

 

What is wrong with me?

[trueblue72ny]

Ok, Do I need a shrink??? I know in my mind that my relationship went very bad and is over forever and cannot ever come back to the place where it was good. Kaput.. dead... Over. She is screwing someone else, is pregnant, and I will never have her in my life again. so far so crappy.

 

So why the hell can't my heart catch up with this program. This isn't about competitiveness or envy or any of that...

 

I am not trying to whine about this.

Much of the end of the relationship was some unforgivable mean hearted crap from her. I have every reason to absolutely despise my ex. The truth: I still care for her.

 

I think recent developments ripped the scab off of the left ventricle of my broken heart that I thought was healing.

 

Is this just completely twisted? I hate this.

Is this because of new info?? I am not healing from this like a normal person. Do I need a shrink or can this forum help me get it back together?

 

This is not a question of logic... I know the right and wrong of this but my heart is not catching up. It's like my heart is stubborn about love once it loves someone. I think I may love her til the last breath I take, even though we will never be together again. I want room in my heart for someone who feels the same back in my direction.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

 

nothing is wrong with you. its part of the natural grieving process and it takes awhile. you can see a shrink but the only thing that is going to make things better is time. you are going to suffer over this no matter what you do, with or without a shrink.

 

for what its worth, at least you know for sure that it is done. lots of people never get an answer, or an explanation from their person why they left. they just give some pathetic excuse and leave them high and dry. and it really screws with your head for awhile. id say try at least to look on the bright side of things, at least you know the line has now been cut, the curtain drawn, show over.

 

you will meet someone new someday, and it will come to a point in time were you realize you dont even think about your ex anymore. it could take months, it could take years.

 

it is just going to take time. all of us on here are sharing this boat with you. so you are not alone.

[Meaplus3]

Gosh, I can relate. When I love I really love and when things go south.. it takes me forever to undertstand why.Nothing is wrong with you at all... you just have a big heart. Give it some time. Your heart and mind will catch up.

 

Mea:)

[moo]

When my ex cruelly, cruelly left me, I went back into therapy. It really helped a lot. There were homework assignments, such as making a list of what I want for myself, making a list of what I brought to the relationship-good and bad, thought stopping and deep breathing techniques. I made a list of what I like about myself. there were homework assignment every week and I really worked through a lot of the relationship with her. She was a great therapist. She left the area, but she was great.

 

It really helped. It still hurt like hell and I feel broken...but it helped, a lot.

[Devil Inside]

There is nothing wrong with you...just a broken heart. I know how it feels to love someone...even if you want to be mad at them.

 

Getting new info about them always prolongs the hurt.

 

Getting a shrink couldn't hurt, but I'm biased because I am one...lol

 

Take some time. Get busy. Don't try to find out any new info, despite the pull to do so. Exercise. Sleep. Eat. Be good to yourself.

[BW007]

It is just that at 5 or 6 months I feel like this should be easing up a bit and I feel like I am at day 3 a lot of the time.

I know for me this was the real deal and a huge letdown to me, so much so that I am not sure if I am a normal, sane person.

Yes, I did just find out that she was pregnant from this new guy and it opened up a huge amount of pain on some different levels..(also a little relief that I am not trapped with someone who is cheating and I don't really want any more kids at 43) Great, Fine... I am still a friggin puddle. She screwed up bad. One of the people that I love the most treated me the worst that anybody ever has.

[La de Longe]

I completely get what you're saying. In my case I know this person will never have a place in my life and have accepted that (well almost, there's still a tinge of hope and I was in massive denial for a while), but it just seems like the amount of emotion I'm still experiencing is disproportionate to the actual circumstances. This guy did some weird stuff to me a lot of it I still don't understand and we parted on awkward terms, but I have no anger towards him, he's with someone else now (actually left me for her) and I've accepted that too and I'm actually okay with it. Like you I still care deeply for this person and that's never going to change. What I think I've realized is that releasing a lot of negative emotions (anger, jealousy, blame, etc.) really allows you to feel the pain whereas holding on to that stuff just covers it up. I know that I actually hurt less when I still hated this person, because I wasn't really confronting how I felt. I think the fact that you can admit how much you still care for her is a good sign. It means you're not denying what you really feel and acknowledging those feelings is an important part of releasing them. Your situation doesn't seem unusual at all to me and you're probably not in dire need of the therapist. It just takes time.

[BW007]

What do you mean "weird stuff" La de longe?

Our wavelength seems very similar about this stuff but it seems like a lot of people on these forums get to a healthier place quicker. some of those negative emotions are extremely appropriate sometimes and show a certain amount of self worth/self valuation. Do you know what I mean? I am most def not putting my ex on a pedestal and after the bad treatment I think logically I should not give a ratfart about her. That would be the appropriate response. That is damn sure not where I am at.

[La de Longe]

I think negative emotions have a time and place, but can't last forever. Initially, I think it's very natural and important to have anger towards someone who's really hurt you, but you can't hate someone forever. I know that when I really hated the guy part of the hurt was from feeling like a victim. It was all "how could you do this to me," "what did I do to deserve this," "you're such an ass****" etc. But I can't hold on to that indefinitely. It only prolonged how awful I felt and I think actually disempowered me. What I'm really saying is that it's a process. Yes, these emotions are necessary in order to get to where you need to go so feel them, but eventually you have to let them go. I'm certainly not putting my guy on a pedestal either, and it's definitely not about excusing anyone for their bull**** and taking everything upon yourself. I think in my situation part of the pain I'm feeling now is because I'm finally accepting that it's over. I really deluded myself for time thinking that eventually he would come back, so now I'm grieving the loss, but I know that I'm reaching the end of it.

 

Also I think maybe you should also reevaluate what the logical response is. It seems like your thinking is "this person is gone forever and treated me like crap and why the hell should I care about someone who would do this?" but you do, because as you said you still care about her and that just shows that you're a good person not that you lack any self-respect. A lot of people on these forums really seem to be struggling so why exactly do you feel like you're so far behind?

[BW007]

I don't feel behind the curve really. I am just saying that some of the more sane voices on here seem a lot better at moving forward. I don't know... If she were to ask me genuinely to forgive her, I would know logically it is too late but emotionally, I totally wish she would.. I think I need to stop acting like the heart and mind are two different things... This all really lives in the mind and the heart is just a metaphor for emotional responses... Yes I know my heart is hurt right now... But actually it is beating just as strong as before, it is just we have been conditioned to see a dichotomy in the responses of "mind" and "heart",,,,, My emotional wish that she...didn't do all this crap, leave me behind, stop loving me, etc... is all just in my mind.

My mind is trying to kill me.

[La de Longe]

But I think that your just as sane as anyone else. What you seem to be saying is that your thinking it's the heart vs the mind but really the mind should rule the heart, because heart really lives in the mind, but your not being tormented by logic your being tormented by emotions so you still have to confront this on an emotional level. I think the reason why so many people are on here is because we all seem to feel a disconnect between what we actually feel and how we think we should feel and what we think we should do. I know I still do. In my opinion it's never too late to forgive someone. I like to take the approach that forgiveness is not about excusing someone for what they've done to you, but rather releasing all the negative emotions we've been talking about such that you can regain your own peace of mind. I think lots of times we don't want to forgive people because we don't think they deserve it and want to punish them, but really we're only punishing ourselves. It's not about them anymore. Who cares about them. It's about your happiness and being able to forward in your life and if forgiving someone is a step towards feeling better then why not do so. That seems logical to me.