Dead Inside....Just need to vent

[digitalwizard]

I'm so black inside. It's hard to believe that I have transformed my entire self from the inside for the better and yet I can feel so empty and callous. I just wish I hadn't waited so long to work on fixing myself. I wish I hadn't taken everything for granted. I'm a walking shell of a zombie. This is all so unbelievable. I have my first anger management appointment this coming Friday, and I am excited about that. However, it's not anger that I am feeling inside; it's pure emptiness. I'm too broken inside to be angry; it's my fault anyhow. I just don't understand why my damn mind won't stop trying to make me hold on. Is it my mind? Is it me? Is it love? Whatever it is; it is pain.

 

I was doing somewhat better, but then I just fell back into the cesspool of despair again. It's a horrible cycle that leaves me feeling disconnected from reality and life, in general. Crying doesn't help at all; it only makes me feel worse. Why can't she just love me again? Why is that so hard to do? It's so easy in my mind. We don't see it the same way, though. She's got too many distractions. I ignore all my distractions and only think about her. I've never thought about mortality so much before. If she could only see inside my soul somehow, or into my heart, and feel how much I love her, she would be unable to continue in this direction.

 

On a side note, I have a sort of 'date' this weekend. I'm not at all ready for it; I don't really want to do it even, but it's a girl in a nearby city that's been helping me with my depression in chat. She knows that I'm married/separated and that I'm not ready for ANYTHING other than some talking and she's still cool with meeting me. She swears that she can make me forget about my wife. The problem is....I DONT WANT TO FORGET ABOUT HER! If I forget about her...she's gone forever. I'm not ready to let her disappear into the wasteland of lost memories. If her memory goes, so does 9 beautiful years of what I thought was pure heaven. Why is it so easy for me to overlook any negative thing she's ever done, but the reverse is not the same? I can't get my head around that at all. That and a million other things. I mean, I know that I hurt her pretty bad and probably hurt the trust a bit, as well, but isn't NINE YEARS worth it? It is to me! EVERYTHING that she said she left me for CAN BE FIXED! Hell, I have fixed a good 90% of it already. I'm gonna rely on counseling, more self-determination, and whatever else is out there to get me through the remainder.

 

I'm pathetic. I have turned into a chic. I watched 'He's Just Not That Into You" last night. WTF???? Don't get me wrong, I used to enjoy watching chic flics with my wife, but I wouldn't just sit down and watch one because *I* wanted to. It was a pretty decent movie, though. Some stuff about divorce in there got me a bit more depressed, but overall, I thought it was decent. The other day I watched "What Happens in Vegas" and teared up at the end. A few days ago it was "Definitely, Maybe". I would rather watch a love story than an action movie or horror flick. I can't explain it, but somehow they do make me feel better. Anyway, enough venting for now. Appreciate the shoulders and the ears....as always.

 

-Wiz

[soheartbroken]

Do you have a previous thread with details? How long ago was the divorce?

[digitalwizard]

Just click on my nickname on the left and then select the "statistics" tab and you can find my previous threads. I'm not in a divorce. I'm in a separation for about 3 months now. I don't recommend that you read those threads, though. They are long, tedious, and full of me not listening to other people's advice. The pain that I am experiencing I have brought on my own self.

 

-Wiz

[MrMayI]

as bad as this sounds, wiz, i personally am pretty damned proud of you. you've figured it out, and that's what counts. i understand you feeding your addiction and love for her. hell, she somewhat reciprocated it. stay strong, bro.

[RiceBall]

I've been really surprised from reading these forums jusy how much more emotional guys are than women. I don't think you are outside of the norm based on the stuff posted here. I don't have a clue what to say to help you get over her. I'm semi-happily married and I've honestly never felt that attached to my husband. It makes me worry sometimes that I'm doing this all wrong.

[TrustInYourself]

DW, I understand what you are feeling. I could describe it exactly. The problem is, you feel disconnected, but in truth, you're deep in the emotions. So far in, that you feel lost and alone.

 

Want advice, shoot me a pm.