bluejeanbebe Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Wow. Three years. I went back and read my first post (A Confession and a Question) to LS- my confession about being an OW and asking for advice. And now 3 years later, it's all over. I guess I'm just getting all introspective now and trying to figure out what I should be learning from this, and advice to offer any other OWs out there. I guess go back and read the first post from this one to read how it started. This post is how it ended. Let's see about 2 years ago...dates kinda fuzzy now, he did actually leave her, filed and received a divorce, the whole shebang. He moved straight from their house into my house. That would be Mistake #2 (Mistake #1 should be obvious). Of course, custody and visitation got worked out, and he started having the kids over at my house, which ended up causing a whole lot of conflict. I guess it ended up just being different styles of parenting and expectations of children, and of course, the typical over-indulgence of the weekend dad. We've been living together for 2 years... the divorce took about a year to finally get all the paperwork done and then the courtdate. Before he even left her, we discussed what we would want if we were to be together, and I made it clear that I wanted marriage and children, and said that we shouldn't go any farther if it wouldn't be a possibility for him (meaning he wouldn't want kids or marriage again). He said back then it was all in the 'realm of possibility'. I guess I should have been more specific. This past year I started talking about it more, trying really hard not to be a nag, just wanted to know if it was something he wanted to do 'someday'. All he would ever say was that he didn't know. Finally this past spring I went out of the country for a month on a trip, and we missed each other terribly, and I was kinda hoping for a suprise, something, when I got back, but no. We have a week of pure bliss afterwards. Then the fighting starts and continues and continues and continues- about alot of things. During one of the fights he says that he's finally 'on board' with what I want and realized that when I was away, but considering the circumstance when he said it, it seemed more like a slap and really insincere. If he really was thinking that, why couldn't he had said something during our week of bliss? So we break up and get back together and break up and get back together, back and forth. He moves out and into his mother's house, and then back in with me again, back and forth. It's all very hot and cold. When it's good, it's great; when it's bad, it's horrific. When it's good, he ~almost~ willing to ~kinda~ start talking about the future, but it's like pulling teeth. But hey, at the time he was 43, so if we are going to start a life and have kids and do all that... uh we should get cracking.... but still he doesn't even want to talk about it. But yet he says that thats what he wants to do. Finally, the end came a month ago. We had gone shopping and just ended up bickering all day and then just not talking. The very last thing I actually said to him was "I'm going to bed" when we were sitting on the couch watching tv, and I fully expected for him to come to bed later. But come to find out the next morning, he didn't. He packed up the last of his things, and left a note... and after three years together and all that we had been through together, didn't even say goodbye. And he was gone. So that was it. So lessons to be learned: 1. Married men: just don't. You want to be the exception, the 1% chance that works out, the one that actually he leaves his wife for, all that blahblahblah. well I tell you what, even if he does, someone (if not everyone) will get hurt, and it probably will be you. 2. Ok, if you are totally ignoring #1, and find yourself to be an OW, and he actually is leaving his wife for you, be forewarned: Prepare Yourself and Do Not Let Him Move In With You. He needs time, space, all the things needed to recover from a divorce, ~especially~ if children are involved. He will be spending time with them, and needs his own space to entertain them, and so you don't feel like they are being crammed down your throat at your place of residence. You can still be 'there for him' during his time of need during the divorce, and I know you worry about the separation, but if this match was made in the stars like you think it is, this will weed out the scoundrels and the good but recovering ones. I don't think him moving straight in with me led to our demise.... we're just too much alike in alot of not good ways and alot of reasons namely his pride and ego... I think it just was a mistake... lesson learned for someone else to hopefully learn from.
Gamine Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It seems you've been through hell and back. What a journey. Often those we become involved with have more to them than meets the eye. Sometimes it just takes time for the personality/psychological/emotional issues to rear their ugly heads. Many OW/OM seem to take the advice of BS's in a negative light, when some are merely sharing the truth about some of these guys. It is almost like a 'western town'... a cheap Hollywood set with one dimensional pop ups instead of real life three dimensional truth and reality. It took time, but his stuff finally surfaced. Perhaps this is what his wife had to deal with in other areas. I hope you find peace & love.
ladyRN Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 bluejeanbebe I am so sorry you had to go through such turmoil. I may have been involved with a MM for a very short period of time but considering the heartache it still caused I cannot even imagine what you are going through after several years. Yet again we see someone who continues to be indecisive, playing with emotions and keeping someone elses life on hold. You sound like a wise and strong woman though and it is indeed his loss. I am just so sorry you had to endure all this for it to then get to this point. Utter c***! Keep strong and big hugs
tami-chan Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Hi bluejeanbebe!...thank you for sharing your story with us. I think even if he was a single man when you met him you would probably still have problems with him...he sounds very wishy-washy. You and his xW are better off without him-maybe difficult to see it right now...but in time you will. Watch him come calling back to you... it's only been a month...be strong.
bentnotbroken Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 May I ask if you are seeking counseling to help deal with the mess that he left in his wake and some of the decisions made?
me003 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Hi bluejeanbebe!...thank you for sharing your story with us. I think even if he was a single man when you met him you would probably still have problems with him...he sounds very wishy-washy. You and his xW are better off without him-maybe difficult to see it right now...but in time you will. Watch him come calling back to you... it's only been a month...be strong. I agree with TC... Anyone coming out a relationship with baggage is going to have a hard time. My friend (not OW) is finally married and when their kids get together their house has 3 more children. The dad has a different parenting style than my friend, but they have agreed to disagree. They also decided ealry on that they woudl be a family and would force the kids to be a family. The paprents act and expect this and teh kids do. The children vary for 5-12. Not sure if the marriabe will work but a year later and teh children consider each other brothers and sisters all 6 of them. My point is that nothing is guaranteed to work. And yes, MM needs time to heal from a failed marriage, everyone needs reflection time after the end of a relationship.
me003 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Bluejeanbebe, I hope that you are able to heal rather soon. You now need to reflect on why even after he told you what he wanted, you still stayed. You have to make sure that this (not getting involved with MM) does not repeat itself. Most of the time as human being we like to believe that we can change peoples minds, or that we can save someone. We have to realize out limitations and stick to them. I have made the mistake to love with eyes closed and this always gets me in trouble (emotional). again it may not read like it, But I hope that all of us who have ended a relationship heals quickly and has an easier time from now on.
ednadean Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 wow. thank you for sharing!!! I think a lot of us OW seem to think that if they can just get over the hurdle of the W -- that everything would be perfect, but it's just like being in any other relationship really, with a lot more pressures and challenges!
Author bluejeanbebe Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 thanks for the support everyone! still pretty much shell-shocked and trying to move on. just glad to know the support is there. Yes, I've considered counseling, but I don't know anything about it or how to go about it. I know I have a few 'issues', and don't know how to deal with them myself. My last 2 serious relationships were a bit older than me, (my ex fiance was 12 years older, and my most recent was 15 years older)... so I have a feeling that I have 'daddy' issues that need to be dealt with (yes, my father died when I was young, then I had a stepfather that was very very distant). I don't know.. I just always find myself attracted to older men. And I usually want what I can't have- hence the attraction of a married man.
WalkInThePark Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think it is unrealistic to expect a guy who just divorced to be enthusiastic about yet another marriage and kids. I would actually say that it is a good sign if a divorced man is not too eager to start again with all that, especially with kids. From my experience with a MM, I have seen that accepting to no longer live fulltime with one's kids, is a very decisive factor for a MM to decide to stay in his M. If in his new relationship, his new partner wants at all costs to have children, the first thing that will come to his mind is: how long before I am not living fulltime with those? As far as marriage is concerned, I think that you also have to give a guy time for that. My MM left his W 3 years ago for another woman. The fact that she was pushing him for marriage and children, was one of the reasons he went back to his W. He told me that he had the feeling that the other woman wanted marriage and children more than she wanted him.
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