Theseus_Black Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Okay, so I've been going out with this girl for almost a year. I'm 18, she's 19. She goes to UC San Diego, I'm going to USC. She's smart, kind, caring, cute, and I really do think she cares about me. I also really do care about her. But I can't help get the feeling we're just "buddies" or "pals." Whenever we talk, it's always casual talk about our day, what's been going on, etc. At the end of our conversations, we tack on an "I love you," and it just feels so forced. And that's it. That's the extent of our communication. Now, when I think of boyfriend/girlfriend, I think of two people who say sweet, romantic things to each other, who are passionate toward each other, sexually-charged, flirtatious, etc. Maybe talk dirty on the phone from time to time. Maybe dress sexy on webcam. That sort of thing. But with her, I just feel like a good friend. Or even worse, I feel like we're already an old married couple... and we're still in the peak years of our relationship and lives. And again, I'm not expecting that kind of thing all the time - but occasionally would be nice. We've both agreed that she is not a very sexual person, or at least that her sexual needs are certainly not as great as mine. She says no sex before marriage, and the furthest we've gotten is to a bit of dry humping with all our clothes on. And I don't think it's going any farther than that, which is endlessly frustrating for me. And while I understand that a boyfriend should also be a best friend, I can't help but feel like I'm ONLY a best friend... who she might happen to think is cute. Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm not really sure what to do. Like I said, I really do care about her, so don't think I'm just some lusty horndog. But we just seem to have really different ideas about what a couple is, and how a couple should act, and while she may be perfectly content with merely swapping stories about each other's day, I'm not. I want more out a relationship. What can I do?
Birdy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 No one's responded to your post so I'm just gonna put my two cents in. Your relationship is pretty dry and your ideals are not compatible. I think you should chalk it up to experience and maintain a friendship if you can. No, you're right, couples aren't gonna be passionate 24/7 after a year, but this is extreme. It feels to me like a "practice relationship", the kind you would have in middle school. Gently break it off and move on.
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Actually, people have responded, the problem is that homeboy cross-posted to here.
Birdy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Actually' date=' people [b']have [/b]responded, the problem is that homeboy cross-posted to here. Oh. Figures. I never check that section.
fallendisguise Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Maybe I'm way off base here, but I get the impression she hasn't had many relationships (not sure why, but I do) and maybe she is following your lead because she doesn't know any better or doesn't feel comfortable. If you still feel like you have chemistry with her, why not start saying or doing the things you think are necessary in a relationship? For example talk about deeper issues or be romantic. As for the sex thing, maybe you should ask her if that is going to change any time soon. If you don't feel a chemistry with her then maybe it is best to move on. I do think you should talk about it first. Sometimes we do things or act a certain way based on what we THINK the other person wants.
Adrealist Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm 23 and after being married to my wife for 3 years and each day of that was passionate, infatuation, and anything but the couple 'who's grown old together and now in a rut', we eventually divorced due to external circumstances. From then I dated other women, and one in particular I really liked as a friend who was funny, spontaneous, and kind. She wanted a relationship with me but despite that, I couldn't see her anything as a friend. The biggest issue for me I think was her abstinence. Does saying that sound terrible in how it could end a relationship for two people who both want to sincerely find a significant other to love? It boils down to sexuality is equally important to those who want it and those who chose not too. It's one of the biggest definition attributes of being an adult. The tension we feel when with the opposite gender when we woo each other and try to decide if they are right for us, and later when we come together as an exclusive unit - sex helps connect us physically, mentally, spiritually. We can be active without being frivolous and it still holding selective value with who we are close too. I had hoped I would only have one partner through my entire life. Yet if humans were meant to be a-sexual they'd be born worms.
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