Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Most will (think it's strange), for anyone who is sexually active (meaning not a virgin) to wait that long yet be in an intimate relationship. That was why I said earlier that I wouldn't have had a problem dating you when I was your age, because I was a virgin back then and not sexually active. Once someone becomes sexually active, sexual love and affection becomes a part of one's overall affection/intimacy style and one develops feelings about when that part of themselves is expressed. For most people, a year is a huge amount of time. My wife and I were engaged within a year and that isn't uncommon in our culture and socio-economic circle. I waited longer than most, around three months, to become sexual with her, because that's my style of intimacy. Most women my age are more demanding than that and will move on. So, even now, even not as 'rigid' as you, I will limit my potential dating pool because of my intimacy style. IMO, you need to really reconcile the reasons and impetuses for making this decision and adopting this perspective, because it will become part of who you are for the rest of your life. If you can accept it and the consequences with peace, then it will be your path. I noticed you ignored my question about masturbation. It wasn't meant to be graphic or disrespectful, but rather to elicit opinion about a normal desire in nearly all humans. I want to find out whether you can be sexually open and uninhibited within yourself and are merely choosing a timeline and potential to share that with, or are there other issues at work. I know my own story, and it proved to be exactly as I envisioned, looking back. What's your story? Yes, I do masturbate. It's something I never stopped doing nor had second thoughts about . And I want to thank you for your kind words. There are books and articles about born again virgins...and it's what keeps me going on this path I've chosen. I'm firm on no sex until marriage. But I'm still conflicted over whether I should abstain from all other sexual acts as well. I didn't quite pose this 'no sexual acts until marriage' onto my bf as a demand of him, but merely as something I've been thinking about for a very long time. So I might ask him if he can just try it for a few months and see...this is something we will discuss in greater detail when we see each other next weekend. Whether we end up continuing these sexual acts or instead decide to abstain from it, it's something that always bothered me an I felt that I needed to tell my bf about it.
hoping2heal Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I used to say I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. This was due to two reasons A) it's what I was taught in my religious upbringing. B) I was sexually abused, and VERY out of touch with my feelings on sex. I enjoyed masturbation and had no problems with "self sex". What I began to realise through the years (and please, I'm not hardly suggesting you were sexually abused OP) was that taking up the "religious" view of sex was just a cover up for my real true feelings towards sex with a man, which was a terrifying thought, and fearful experience. I didn't even realise until a few months ago that this is how I felt about sex and why. I had sex for the first time with someone who had been a friend of mine for a long time. I decided I wanted to do it with him because it could be "just sex" with no emotions involved and I wouldn't get hurt emotionally. I had to get myself drunk to go through with it, this is also where I discovered I suffered from vagismus. We tried to have sex a second time, I wanted sex to feel good, to feel anything other than the emotional and physical pain I'd always associated man-woman sex to be. I wanted it to be fun and pleasurable like masturbation. It wasn't. In hindsight, I've come to realise it was fear that kept me from being intimate. The fear of having my trust broken by someone I loved; the fear of being left if I didn't wait, the fear of someone doing something painful and horrible with my body. I think you need to do some soul searching of yourself and decide if fear is what is really driving this decision, because these people are right; it will never go away until YOU deal with it. Trust me I know all about it, and I'm currently hoping to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life with my partner some day. But it was never going too happen if I just kept myself disconnected with my true feelings towards sex and hid it behind a religious justification or called it "having morals".
MSUE Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Freedom to indulge in sex before marriage (which really is quite a recent thing)QUOTE] about sex before marriage...look into the history of Egyptians ...talk about sexual I mean they screwed non-stop every sexual act imaginable even including bestiality...and no marriage...brothers and sisters were having one another...Ancient Rome and Greece as well ...yikes I'm being a smartass sorry guys...but it is good to bring this up as we are discussing the cultural reasing behund the now wanted abstinance
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Where is the freedom of choice when now the 'reasonable choice of a mature adult without issues' (as some of you imply) SHOULD be to have sex before marriage? Since I'm probably one of those "some" in your comment, let me try to respond. I think freedom of choice is fine, and if someone wants to wait until marriage, or a year, or whatever arbitrary deadline they like is fine. But, like so many other "choices" we face in life, it potentially has consequences. Among these consequences is finding that you are sexually incompatible after you have supposedly committed "for life". Also among those consequences is losing a partner who would have made an extraordinary spouse because they won't put up with such an arbitrary restriction. And is severely restricts your choices in the dating pool. A little food for thought. I want my partner to like sex. If someone likes something, they will actively seek it out. People who like tennis generally try to play tennis on a somewhat regular basis. People who like photography generally own photography equipment and use it regularly. A person who genuinely likes sex is not generally going to be willing to go without it if it is available from someone they are interested in, ergo I would conclude should a love interest tell me they wanted to wait that she did not like sex enough for my tastes. That, in and of itself, would be enough to end the relationship. Depriving yourself of something you enjoy "just because" has no value.
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Very insightful, Very on point. A lot of truth in this completely. Thanks!
girl68 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm curious, would people on this board think it's strange for someone to want to wait a year or so into a relationship before they have sex? In other words, it takes them a year to feel ready for it? Or is it only strange for someone to want to wait until marriage to you? I think a year is a bit much. But I see what you're trying to say. If you need to wait a bit and a bit can vary from hours to a few months but rarely would it be a full year or more. I like to wait ideally a month or so until I feel a connection, I know what kind of person he is and I have some feelings for him. But who is to say that I can't feel that in 1 day!? I don't speak for other people, but I will step up and say that the idea that sex outside of marriage is "wrong" is extremely misguided and leads to scores of problems and broken relationships. Why? Because that idea insists that from birth up until a line in the sand called marriage the only acceptable practice is no sex. It teaches that sex is bad, or wrong, or gross, or inappropriate, or if I may borrow your word, undignified. And then, boom, we're supposed to overnight turn into sexual dynamos. But all those teachings, that sex is bad, it's "wrong", it's (ahem) undignified, those lessons don't go away, and I think many find that the post-marriage sex life they were expecting just ain't happening! As another poster said, if doing something now makes you feel slutty, I'd be willing to bet a large sum of money that you'll still feel slutty even with a ring on your finger. But I think you're fooling yourself if you think you are going to think differently about it after some random minister declares you husband and wife. I think you are giving too much credibility to those in your life who have told you that your sex life is "supposed to be" a certain way. IMHO, they are wrong. She said it so much better, but this is exactly what I was trying to convey. These ideas and "morals" are so ingrained in your head that marriage will probably not rid of them.
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Yes, I do masturbate. It's something I never stopped doing nor had second thoughts about . Good information. This tells me you are comfortable with your body and your sexuality within yourself. I'm firm on no sex until marriage. But I'm still conflicted over whether I should abstain from all other sexual acts as well. By 'no sex', I assume you mean penile-vaginal intercourse, and that you are conflicted over other overtly sexual acts, like mutual masturbation, oral sex, manual sex and similar. Here's the really cool thing. You get to decide No one else decides that for you. Your intimacy style is completely your own. The quest is finding a compatible partner. I didn't quite pose this 'no sexual acts until marriage' onto my bf as a demand of him, but merely as something I've been thinking about for a very long time. So I might ask him if he can just try it for a few months and see...this is something we will discuss in greater detail when we see each other next weekend. If you and he can talk about this in an open and mature fashion, and truly listen to each other, I think you can find resolution. IMO, the key is acceptance. Accepting each other's perspective and deciding if there is a middle ground you can meet on, or if it best to go your separate ways. You're at a pivotal moment in your developing relationship. I wish you well
AlektraClementine Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 OP - Finally read your thread. Not a lot of advice to offer other than stick with what you want. It seems like you're at peace with the possibility of your BF choosing to end the relationship due to the differing opinions on sex. Mostly I just wanted to comment. You took a lot of dirt in this thread and you handled yourself very well. Kept your composure. You're a better woman than me Kudos to those of you who offered differing opinions without the "zingers".
Mary3 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 cough * SUSAN * cough lol !..........................
Mary3 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Listen I will ONLY speak for me...I can NOT be in a relationship unless the sex is phenomenal ! I dated this one guy and after some point we became intimate. His penis was verrrrrrrry uncomfortable...too skinny...lol...we tried 3 times and then he said " YOU are not enjoying this RIGHT ? " Uh humm....well YES (I'm NOT ) !! End of relationship.
Mary3 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 And...his sex drive outta match HER sex drive. Meaning if one is not wanting it much and then other is highly sexed , then you have a problem...
MSUE Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 And...his sex drive outta match HER sex drive. Meaning if one is not wanting it much and then other is highly sexed , then you have a problem... there's nothing worse than two different worlds in bed...its a deal breaker
BCCA Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 The issue of HAVING sex has never really been the issue here at all. Its the WHY. WHY did she have sex before, and do other sexual activities with the guy shes currently dating, and then decide BOOM NOTHING more until we are married. To me, there is absolutely no way in the world that this entire situation revolves around wanting to build on other parts of the relationship. Giving, and then taking away, are not something you do to nurture; honestly, I sense some relationship sabatoging tendencies. Do you want someone to marry you just to get in your pants? Of course not, but then why do this, when that could very well be what happens? Listen, you know as well as I do that youre giving us half of the story. Either that, or you make absolutely no sense. You KNOW this isnt going to work the way you want it to, and you also see exactly why. Youre not a virgin, you say you masturbate and like sex, but then you act like it demoralizes you, or makes you trashy. Something doesnt add up.
Mary3 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 The issue of HAVING sex has never really been the issue here at all. Its the WHY. WHY did she have sex before, and do other sexual activities with the guy shes currently dating, and then decide BOOM NOTHING more until we are married. To me, there is absolutely no way in the world that this entire situation revolves around wanting to build on other parts of the relationship. Giving, and then taking away, are not something you do to nurture; honestly, I sense some relationship sabatoging tendencies. Do you want someone to marry you just to get in your pants? Of course not, but then why do this, when that could very well be what happens? Listen, you know as well as I do that youre giving us half of the story. Either that, or you make absolutely no sense. You KNOW this isnt going to work the way you want it to, and you also see exactly why. Youre not a virgin, you say you masturbate and like sex, but then you act like it demoralizes you, or makes you trashy. Something doesnt add up. Something definately is NOT right. You say you masterbate which leads likely to orgasm. Its not * sex * BUT It does the same thing AS sex. Gets you to completion. If you are masterbating on a regular daily basis * raises hand * then you HAVE a sex drive. ! If you have a sex drive you WANT sex. Does this guy suck in bed ? Were you attacked / sex and now have unpleasant memories ? Something happened ....You fell out of love ? You just dont want this guy touching you and backing up the sex til the cows come home ?
dreamergrl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I thought I asked, maybe I missed the answer... but I don't understand why waiting so long to make this choice with him. This is something that is likely a deal breaker, and if it were me, I'd have liked to know this sooner then 2 months or however long youv'e been with him, OP. You have every right to set your boundaries but they should have been made known long ago, and you shouldn't give then take away. It's a mind roller coaster.
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