girl68 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Not all Asians are brought up that way. Traditional ones are. I have Asian friends who are like me and wait for marriage until sex, and some who don't. Things aren't as black and white. True, in the future refrain from using blanket statements about asians then. Those statements are simply untrue.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 This brings a thought to mind. I knew this one guy who strictly dates asian women. His implication of why he dates them, was because they are much more horny than other women. Of course that is just his opinion. I think I've heard this line more than once though. Interesting huh I realize that does not conclude all asians are like this. I find it a bit sad if he does indeed date a girl because he thinks they are more horny and not because he feels a strong emotional connection with them. And I hope a girl would only date guys who like them for who they are, for their intellect and personality, and not mainly because she's good in bed.
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm all but sure there is more to it than your culture. If that was it, you would never have done it. Im guessing you have either been sexually assualted, felt forced into doing something, or have some self esteem issues. This is what I was thinking. There does seem to be a bit more to the situation that your culture. I would guess sexually abused, but excuse me if I'm wrong.
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I find it a bit sad if he does indeed date a girl because he thinks they are more horny and not because he feels a strong emotional connection with them. And I hope a girl would only date guys who like them for who they are, for their intellect and personality, and not mainly because she's good in bed. Yes, he was not the best character.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 True, in the future refrain from using blanket statements about asians then. Those statements are simply untrue. I think most people would be able to grasp that my statemnt was not saying that 100% of all asians are that way. If not, sorry for the confusion.
girl68 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 She was pressured into sex with the first 2 guys. She said she didn't want to (maybe in not so many words) and the guys in some form coaxed her or pressured her into the deed. So therefore I think had it been a committed, LOVING, mutual relationship her experience would have been much different and so would her current views on sex.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 This is what I was thinking. There does seem to be a bit more to the situation that your culture. I would guess sexually abused, but excuse me if I'm wrong. No, I was not. You remind me of the stereotypes of therapists who insists that patients were molested as kids, which is the root of all their problem. It really is not that complicated lol. Well Gemini, thank you for your concern, but I assure you that I was not sexually abused before.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 She was pressured into sex with the first 2 guys. She said she didn't want to (maybe in not so many words) and the guys in some form coaxed her or pressured her into the deed. So therefore I think had it been a committed, LOVING, mutual relationship her experience would have been much different and so would her current views on sex. No they never pressured me, I had sex with them because I wanted to. But I started having doubts after I had sex with them. Sometimes people have to experience it first to realize it's not what they wanted after all.
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 No, I was not. You remind me of the stereotypes of therapists who insists that patients were molested as kids, which is the root of all their problem. It really is not that complicated lol. Well Gemini, thank you for your concern, but I assure you that I was not sexually abused before. I did not say you were molested as a kid. I said there may have been sexual abuse. Now, you are saying you were not pressured? That makes no sense. Well , I also did mention possibly you were afraid of being hurt emotionally, so you want to wait until marriage for the intimacy? So that's not it either, huh? You are not religious, so its JUST your culture. If you say so.
Els Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 How the heck is that related!? How is it not related??? In both cases someone thinks they are 'wrong' to do something due to their culture, even though it's acceptable in other cultures. Why is it that in one case the person is said to have issues and in the other the person is being ethical? Because the majority of respondents ARE in one culture and can't seem to accept that anyone who is different doesn't necessarily have 'issues'.
girl68 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 No they never pressured me, I had sex with them because I wanted to. But I started having doubts after I had sex with them. Sometimes people have to experience it first to realize it's not what they wanted after all. Whatever you say. You're right the end is probably near. Just know a few things (not trying to persuade you to change your mind) 1- you have SIGNIFICANTLY, and DRASTICALLY limited your dating pool 2- you will likely find yourself a man who is NOT very sexual even after you marry him and have become sexually active 3- if he is sexual, but decides he can wait there will be much turmoil, and frustration on his part throughout the relationship 4- you could find youself with a very sexually imcompatible marriage These are the future realities of your choice... food for thought.
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 So, OP, how do you feel about masturbation? BTW, sorry to hear that things are perhaps taking a turn for the worse. LDR's are tough. Do you have a real life friend or family member you can talk to right now?
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 How is it not related??? In both cases someone thinks they are 'wrong' to do something due to their culture, even though it's acceptable in other cultures. Why is it that in one case the person is said to have issues and in the other the person is being ethical? Because the majority of respondents ARE in one culture and can't seem to accept that anyone who is different doesn't necessarily have 'issues'. Good point.
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I regret having sex in the first place, but just because I already did doesnt mean I have to keep doing it and have it keep hurting me. It's not too late to bring dignity back to myself. Alot of cultures (I'm Asian) think that sex outside of marriage is wrong, so are people on this board thinking that all those people in those cultures have issues? I don't speak for other people, but I will step up and say that the idea that sex outside of marriage is "wrong" is extremely misguided and leads to scores of problems and broken relationships. Why? Because that idea insists that from birth up until a line in the sand called marriage the only acceptable practice is no sex. It teaches that sex is bad, or wrong, or gross, or inappropriate, or if I may borrow your word, undignified. And then, boom, we're supposed to overnight turn into sexual dynamos. But all those teachings, that sex is bad, it's "wrong", it's (ahem) undignified, those lessons don't go away, and I think many find that the post-marriage sex life they were expecting just ain't happening! As another poster said, if doing something now makes you feel slutty, I'd be willing to bet a large sum of money that you'll still feel slutty even with a ring on your finger. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely your right to conduct yourself in any manner in which you see fit, and if you think waiting for marriage is the way to go, then go for it. But I think you're fooling yourself if you think you are going to think differently about it after some random minister declares you husband and wife. I think you are giving too much credibility to those in your life who have told you that your sex life is "supposed to be" a certain way. IMHO, they are wrong.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I'm curious, would people on this board think it's strange for someone to want to wait a year or so into a relationship before they have sex? In other words, it takes them a year to feel ready for it? Or is it only strange for someone to want to wait until marriage to you?
MSUE Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Alot of cultures (I'm Asian) think that sex outside of marriage is wrong, so are people on this board thinking that all those people in those cultures have issues? There's a reason why those cultures believe those things...and just because you're not able to grasp why, doesnt mean that those cultures have issues. However I think its good that people give me their thoughts here on this board eventhough I don't see it their way...because it's giving me an understanding into how my bf is proabably feeling and thinking...so that I can understand his frustations when we discuss this next week. ok I agree with you that different cultures have different views on sex and that's ok...in fact is great...love diversity... I'm not here to judge that but what concerns me is how you are presenting it...its not like you woke up one day and discovered you were asian and part of such culture...you've known this your whole life...and you had no problem having sex with our BF prior to your change of mind...if you feel its a matter of dignity within yourself I get it but keep in mind its very very difficult for the other party to understand this...speciall if your approach of reasoning is based on culture...I mean what do you say Honey...here's a newsflash for you... its not allowed in my culture to have sex before marriage...so yeah...no more for you I'm a bit at odds here
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm curious, would people on this board think it's strange for someone to want to wait a year or so into a relationship before they have sex? In other words, it takes them a year to feel ready for it? Or is it only strange for someone to want to wait until marriage to you? I don't think its all that strange to wait a year when in a relationship. If you are not doing anything but kissing and cuddling, that still could be pure torture to someone. What I think is strange is not involving certain parts of the body for sexual pleasure until you get married. :rolleyes:What is wrong with doing OTHER things? From what I got from the story, it seems you want to hold back from everything, except kissing and cuddling? Who in the heck could possibly deal with that, unless you plan to get married within 3-6 months. If you really feel so strongly about it, you should do what is best for you, but I think sticking to someone within your same beliefs would be much easier...but that is going to be hard to find.
carhill Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm curious, would people on this board think it's strange for someone to want to wait a year or so into a relationship before they have sex? In other words, it takes them a year to feel ready for it? Or is it only strange for someone to want to wait until marriage to you? Most will (think it's strange), for anyone who is sexually active (meaning not a virgin) to wait that long yet be in an intimate relationship. That was why I said earlier that I wouldn't have had a problem dating you when I was your age, because I was a virgin back then and not sexually active. Once someone becomes sexually active, sexual love and affection becomes a part of one's overall affection/intimacy style and one develops feelings about when that part of themselves is expressed. For most people, a year is a huge amount of time. My wife and I were engaged within a year and that isn't uncommon in our culture and socio-economic circle. I waited longer than most, around three months, to become sexual with her, because that's my style of intimacy. Most women my age are more demanding than that and will move on. So, even now, even not as 'rigid' as you, I will limit my potential dating pool because of my intimacy style. IMO, you need to really reconcile the reasons and impetuses for making this decision and adopting this perspective, because it will become part of who you are for the rest of your life. If you can accept it and the consequences with peace, then it will be your path. I noticed you ignored my question about masturbation. It wasn't meant to be graphic or disrespectful, but rather to elicit opinion about a normal desire in nearly all humans. I want to find out whether you can be sexually open and uninhibited within yourself and are merely choosing a timeline and potential to share that with, or are there other issues at work. I know my own story, and it proved to be exactly as I envisioned, looking back. What's your story?
MSUE Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm curious, would people on this board think it's strange for someone to want to wait a year or so into a relationship before they have sex? In other words, it takes them a year to feel ready for it? Or is it only strange for someone to want to wait until marriage to you? P.S. I waited a month to have sex...we were going on dates like 4 to 5 times a week and we just clicked and wanted each other pretty bad...that's not to say that's all we did...we would sit in the living room and have like 5 hour copnversations...funny thing is we still do that more like 3 now cause he's working way too much lol ....its not an issue in our culture and we both have high sex drive...here we are 2 years later...stronger than ever... and...I couldn't be any more in love I would never be able to hold of that long for someone I was and I'm so head over heels and I wanted every bit of him physically,mentally and emotionally...that's just me though everyone is different all R are their own world and that's life Intimacy is something we cherish and its sacred and special is the ultimate bonding for us...I couldn't be wout that specially after I've had this long
MSUE Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 two things I just realized you haven't had actual i tercourse but sex related acts by your definition...intercourse,oral.anal,fingering it all falls under the sex category at least in my world Also I did "punish" my BF one for like a week...he royally screwed up and he desrved it an no no cheating involved in case you are wondering...but other than I jus can't do wout it
sxyNYCcpl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 In other words, it takes them a year to feel ready for it? What does that mean, "to feel ready for it"? A person either likes sex, dislikes sex, or is ambivalent about it. If they like sex, insisting on an arbitrary waiting period "just because" seems completely pointless. What value is it? Do you like milk? Cookies? Camping? Movies? Tennis? Would you stop doing things you like "for a year" for no reason?
Els Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 To be honest, finding men who don't mind waiting til marriage to have sex is not THAT hard. Gosh. It's true that the older the man the rarer it is, and also in certain countries (like the one that the majority of posters here live in, I believe) it would be difficult to find them. I find it really quite sad how the pendulum has swung all the way to the other side rather than remaining in the middle where it should be. The whole point of the modernisation of sex and removal of sexual taboo should be to promote freedom of choice. Freedom to be homosexual and freedom to be heterosexual. Freedom to indulge in sex before marriage (which really is quite a recent thing)... and also freedom to abstain. Where is the freedom of choice when now the 'reasonable choice of a mature adult without issues' (as some of you imply) SHOULD be to have sex before marriage?
hoping2heal Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I don't speak for other people, but I will step up and say that the idea that sex outside of marriage is "wrong" is extremely misguided and leads to scores of problems and broken relationships. Why? Because that idea insists that from birth up until a line in the sand called marriage the only acceptable practice is no sex. It teaches that sex is bad, or wrong, or gross, or inappropriate, or if I may borrow your word, undignified. And then, boom, we're supposed to overnight turn into sexual dynamos. But all those teachings, that sex is bad, it's "wrong", it's (ahem) undignified, those lessons don't go away, and I think many find that the post-marriage sex life they were expecting just ain't happening! As another poster said, if doing something now makes you feel slutty, I'd be willing to bet a large sum of money that you'll still feel slutty even with a ring on your finger. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely your right to conduct yourself in any manner in which you see fit, and if you think waiting for marriage is the way to go, then go for it. But I think you're fooling yourself if you think you are going to think differently about it after some random minister declares you husband and wife. I think you are giving too much credibility to those in your life who have told you that your sex life is "supposed to be" a certain way. IMHO, they are wrong. Even though, we've had our disagreements in the past. I thought this post was 100% honest, truthful, and excellent. Very insightful, Very on point. A lot of truth in this completely.
MSUE Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Freedom to indulge in sex before marriage (which really is quite a recent thing)... and also freedom to abstain. Where is the freedom of choice when now the 'reasonable choice of a mature adult without issues' (as some of you imply) SHOULD be to have sex before marriage? I personally don't feel its a recent thing at all...at least where I live(NYC) and where I grew up( which is a different country not US btw)its just not this big of a taboo anymore...thanks to the 60's and 70's...people got tired of hiding and all of society's well primarly the church's rules...so people said enough this is what we do and we love it so there we are not hiding anymore
Els Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 40 years compared to over 3000 is not 'recent'? That's also only in certain countries. Many other countries haven't really 'caught up' yet. Anyway my point is, it's great if you love it and wanna do it and all, that's what freedom of choice is about. But you shouldn't be impeding on someone else's freedom by implying that their decision to NOT have sex before marriage is outrageous, either.
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